Confused - Portsmouth,VA

Hi D., I have to agree with Christa who responded by saying that it could be "age, state of mind, or health related"... all three of these play a huge part in our life when it comes to being intimate however, I'd like to think that morals play an even bigger part as well. This was more than likely the case for me because I knew this was my "friend" and not my husband. You may not know exactly why but if you search deep inside, I'm sure you'll find at least an idea as to why but whatever it may be, don't stress. Take as long as you have to, pray, and believe that things will turn out for the better. Take care and God Bless you in whatever decision(s) you make.

Hi D.! Every woman is different and the genre of sexual arousal can vary quite dramatically from one woman to the next. All of the information you are receiving is spot on. Talking to doctors about birth control methods, taking time for introspection to see what, if anything, may be troubling your subconcious, and spicing things up can only help to eliminate what is causing the decrease in libido.

I am a Passion Parties Consultant and can help with the latter of things. If you would like to talk more about some easy tips to knock the dust off your bedroom routine, I'd be happy to help. Please check out my site at www.LauraAmick.com and think about a Girls Night In, where it's all about the Ladies and how to get what we want in the bedroom. You can check out reviews for Passion Parties by L. in the Member Perks section.

I wish you best of luck & hope to hear from you soon!

I like Nikki C advice about the birth control. That was my problem. I started the pill before I got married (7.5 yrs ago) and soon after I had no desire for sex, much less getting "naturally lubricated" to have sex. After 3 years of my doctors telling me its not the birth control (which they switched me to 6 different kinds to try find the right balance) and its all in my head. It just about destroyed my marriage. I finally took control and told the doctors it is the b.c. since I was fine prior taking it, so I took myself off and within 2 weeks I started to have my desire come back. It took much longer for the "natural lubrication" to return, but that is what KY is for.
Not sure if this falls in line with what you are experiencing, but something to look into.
Good Luck!

Hi D., the first thing that popped into my mind was: Men want to have sex to feel close and intimate. Women want to have intimacy and feel close before they feel like warming up to someone sexually. (Unless you are in a situation where you are meeting someone new and you are hormonally driven to rip their clothes off as soon as possible, but you still don't know much about them.....this is the exception to the norm). If you feel like you guys aren't as intimate, due to schedules, routines, lack of small moments when you show you appreciate each other, "thank yous", "flowers", doing house hold chores un prompted to show an effort to support you....those things really add up to intimacy and a general feeling that someone cares for you, then it might be harder to feel like connecting with someone. Nothing turns me on more than my husband giving me a backrub, no matter if it's two minutes long....also, watching him take charge in the house from time to time helping out...that makes me feel like he is just as committed to our home life as I am, that makes me feel like cozying up to him. What your lack of desire may be attributed to could be a need in you to feel like you aren't putting out to a "taker/not a giver". Many times in our early relationships, we give freely because we think it will be an investment in a longer term happiness. But when that happiness plan doesn't progress the way we would like, we begin to want to conserve our energies, "just in case" we were wrong in our long term projections. I am not saying that your relationship is heading south. I am saying that maybe there could be a way to spark intimacy again, in areas besides the bedroom, that make you feel like warming up to him...The best way to show what you like is to do to him what you would like.....Say thank you for small things like doing dishes, helping around the house, picking up kids from school, paying that bill, taking out the trash, fixing that whatchamacallit. And when you do things for him, make sure he acknowledges it as well, gently, of course. Everyone wants to be appreciated. This is a really small way my husband and I are able to feel connected, liek the other is in tune with what we are going through. Big or small. Saying thank you is one of the easiest ways to change your day, and the day of someone else. It's also contagious. Hope I came across the way I intended. I wish you the best!

Hey D.,

First are you on or have you changed birth control pills? This can cause a decrease in sex drive.

Also if you are not making any time for you at all you will be tired and many times unkowingly feel less sexy which in turn can decrease your sex drive.

I would recommend making sure you are taking some you time weekly. I would also recommend making "date" night. This way it is more grown up time where you and your friend can bond and have grown up dinner and conversation and then your emotional needs will be better filled as well as physical. I think this may help your desire also.

I really recommend if there is not a medical reason-which you would want to speak to your doctor and may not be a bad idea anyway- taking YOU time. Women need to do this. We give so much as mothers and lovers and career women and when we don't areas like our sex lives can suffer.

N.

You don't say in your message if you have kids, or how old they are. It's common for new parents to be so exhausted, or "touched out" that they're less interested in sex. Can you think of other ways to be close to him?

Also, might be worth having your hormone levels checked out. Thyroid issues can really sap your sex drive.

Maybe you are just in a rut and bored with things!! If it's anything like relationships I have been in, things in the bedroom tend to get to where you can call out the play by play before it even happens. If the two of you put your heads together you can probably come up with some ideas to spice things up. Try visiting sites like ivillage.com for ideas on how to change it up!! Good luck.

Try new things...go to the "toy store" or go to Borders & get a book on "it". Sometimes women just don't have any desire. Depending on your age & state of mind & any health issues you may be having, you may have to visit your Doctor. Sometimes you have to just "take the bull by the horns" and start crossing things off your list--if it is a health issue there are pills & other things out there that help & they really do work!
Good luck!!