Creepy Neighbor, How Would You Handle?

After reading this I keep thinking, "I am SO blessed to be married to a man that would NEVER treat someone that cruel". Going over to help the poor man set up his gaming system would have been a PERFECT opportunity for your husband to feel this man out (in the process of doing something nice for a neighbor). I feel so bad for this poor man that was waiting outside for someone who didn't even have enough respect to walk outside and tell the poor guy he didn't have time to help.

Your husband is mad because the man brought over some books for your son. Sounds to me like he was just trying to be neighborly. Your husband on the other hand sounds like a complete jerk! Shame on him for making you feel guilty for being polite. Maybe he needs to be taught some manners himself.

I agree that if he makes you uncomfortable you should keep a little distance but, I DO NOT agree that this man deserves to be treated like a criminal. Your husband could politely tell the man that he is not comfortable with him stopping by your house when he is not there but, that should come from him....not you!

I think you're both being rather ridiculous.

This man has a brain injury, brought your kids some books, and came looking for some help with his game system from your husband. Instead of going out and telling this poor man that he couldn't help, your husband hid in the house like a wuss.

Now he's come back, looking for your husband's help, and because NOBODY has STILL told him that your husband can't help, he's likely confused!!

If you don't want to help, KINDLY tell this man, who has done NOTHING to you, that your husband can't help him. Google a local game shop or expert and give him the number so he can be on his way.

You don't need to be mean. You need to be CLEAR. The guy is brain damaged. He doesn't get hints, and he doesn't read body language. He needs WORDS that help him to know that your husband can't help him.

Lastly, there is likely no reason to be afraid of this man. But...if you really think there is...why are you leaving your windows open?!

Your husband is a coward and an idiot. People with brain injuries are not meant to be feared. My dear friend has a brain injury. He has problems with boundaries and so we have to simply tell him what is appropriate or not. Be kind, and be clear. Confrontation isn't needed here..... but communication IS.

I feel sorry for this man who clearly doesn't know his boundaries and is surrounded by people who won't set clear ones. If he is doing something harassing or illegal, call the police. If he asks if someone can help set up his gaming system and your husband is too cowardly to do it, then tell him, "I'm sorry, but I can't. Is there someone else who can help you?"

Sorry for being so harsh about your husband. I wish there was more awareness among the public for Traumatic Brain Injury. It's so unfair to write people off just because they act "weird". You are not wrong for being nice and accepting the books. I hope you are able to feel comfortable around your neighbor and not be afraid.

Edit* I want to be clear that I don't mean that you should open your home to him or get involved in any way. It's okay to be cautious. Just be clear and honest to him so he doesn't have to wait out back for 45 minutes thinking that your husband is coming to help him. That kind of behavior is NOT helping his confusion.

Personally, if I was you, I'd be more creeped out by my husbands reaction than the behavior that YOU have seen by this neighbor.
If your husband's so tough, let him handle it.
But he seems more preoccupied with his own jealousy and dictating your actions.

OK, yes your neighbor is weird. If he has a brain injury, he may have challenges with social situations and boundaries. From what you describe, he does NOT sound crazy or violent or creepy, just weird and kinda lost. You describe no trespassing from him, just knocking on the door and asking questions. But it's ok that you're a bit scared because it's just a wierd and uncomfortable situation.

You were being POLITE. It's how people are with neighbors. The police seemed to say that he is strange, but they did not caution agains violence, so that's a good thing.

I don't intend to be mean, but I'm going to be a bit blunt now.

Your HUSBAND's behavior, on the other hand, is freaking me out. Why in the world do you have to be "MEAN" to this man? Why is your husband so angry? Why can't he be a decent neighbor and help the guy? Why is he expecting YOU to be tough and mean to another man? It's just weird. Your husband is being an unsupportive jerk and his reaction is freakier to me than the brain-injured man's behavior...

As someone who is living with a person who has a brain issue, please cut the guy some slack. Just be polite but firm when he comes to the door. Teach the kids not to open the door - which they should already know not to do regardless of who is there. Your husbands advice is what will get you in trouble. Why in the world would you want to be mean and yell at someone? Why would you want to evoke a possibly violent reaction by screaming at someone? Was your husband mugged by a big man at some point? I would never put up with my husband behaving that way toward a neighbor! What better way to find out what kind of person this neighbor is then to have your husband go over and lend a hand setting up his gaming system. Then you've had a look inside the house, which can tell you quite a bit about the person who lives there. Your husband could simply state that if the man needs something, to please come over only when husband is home. Screaming and being mean to someone with a brain injury is only going to backfire....sure hope if the neighbor goes off it's on the right person - your husband. Depending on the type of injury, the man may not remember the nuances of "privacy" and "coming over unannounced" and not to peer in windows to see if someone is home. Tell your husband to look up the words Empathy, Sympathy and understanding!

I work with brain injury patients at a rehab facility in Colorado.

IMO if you, your huspband and neighbors are so uncomfortable with this man, you should look into educating yourselves with brain injury.

While many people that have had a TBI look "normal" for the most part, there is so many things that are underlaying. Someone that has an injury, while considered "recovered" are still never the same person they were previous to the injury.

The biggest portion of the brain that is usually injured is what most call our filter, the knowing what is and is not appropriate to say and do.

We fear what we dont understand. Brain Injury is not contagious, they just need someone who is willing to understand, take time and to be reminded of previous conversations and limits.

The next time you see your neighbor, find out his name, talk to him, then politely let him know what is and is not acceptable. When he comes back at a later days and those rules are crossed, nicely remind him, Remember when we talked about this?

Use patient and understanding, just as I hope you would be with a child. This man has suffered a great loss, a part of his brain.

Help your husband to seek education. Seeing that he is military, it is highly probable he will end up knowing someone with some type of BI or mental trama that will affect them. He should have a little more understanding and compassion.

If you need resources on TBI and such, let me know

Why should you be mean to him? Because he has a brain injury? Brain injuries don't necessarily make someone evil! Sure, he may act "not right", but that doesn't mean he's going to attack you. Yes, he may be SUSPECTED of looking in windows, but nobody knows for sure and nobody knows his intentions. It doesn't sound like he's done anything to you that should warrant fear or rudeness. How would you like it if someone treated you or your husband like that just because you seemed a bit "off"? He probably can't help it of he's had a brain injury. Keep him at arms length if you are uncomfortable, but no need to be nasty to him.

your husband is kindof a d(*&

This man has a brain injury -- he is not mentally ill. Brain injuries can cause all kinds of muscle problems. He may not be able to fully control his facial muscles, smiling may be difficult or impossible for him. That look off into space thing he does may also be caused by the injury, he may have just been standing outside to feel the warmth of the sun. He may also have trouble with his memory, short or long term. He may also not have any impulse control.

This is not a person to be afraid of, he means no harm. He probably has a caretaker or advocate to help him. Try to find out who is his caretaker/advocate and talk to this person and ask questions about his condition.

Your husband is a whimp. And being nice is never the wrong thing to do.

Yikes, I don't understand why you or your husband would want to be unkind to someone because they have suffered a brain injury, especially when that person is being kind to you. I don't think it is a good example to set for your kids.

Okay, so this man has brain damage and is trying to look in his neighbors houses to see what they're doing...it sounds like he needs to be put in a home where he can get medical help. He does not sound dangerous in any way.

He was standing outside waiting for your husband to come out. Hubby was rude to not go and tell him he wasn't coming. Hubby doesn't want to be around this guy, I get that. Perhaps if hubby spent some time with him he could find out if he's a threat or harmless.

If he has brain damage then his "filter" that tells him to not look in windows is damaged. He may not have that skill anymore. Kids will peek in to see if their friends are home or not, it's not because they want to see naked people or anything.

I suggest being nice to him when he's around but be watchful. He may just have a medical issue and is just trying to be friendly.

Next time the answer should be, "Yes, my husband is here, he just can't come to the door right now". You don't have to be mean to this guy, just don't offer any details and keep conversations short.

And I agree, your husband is laying a whole lot on you. I kind of feel like HE'S the creepy one.

Well, you didn't know this would happen. However, I feel differently than some of the other moms- I think that you don't need your husband to bail you out. I don't agree with your husband's reaction though- it's not your fault and you don't have to be mean. At the same time, you can't dance around the issue.
The first thing is that you never, ever tell a strange person that you are home alone!!! Next time he comes, go to the door (without opening it) or window, and ask him point blank, and firmly, what he wants. If it's to set up his gaming system, let him know that you talked to your husband, and he doesn't know how to set up the system. Tell him he needs to get someone else to set it up. Let him know you are on the phone and can't talk anymore. Then end the conversation right there and close the door or window. You don't have to be mean, but if he's confused, he won't pick up on social graces or subtle nuances. You have to be direct! There's a difference between being mean and direct.
If he's coming over the books or to ask questions about them, let him know that they weren't right for your kids and you donated them to the library or gave them to some other children that loved them very much. Thank you again, and goodbye.
Whatever he wants, shut it down right there. Then he has no reason to come back.
I worked public service for a long time, and have dealt with my fair share of people like this. And in this case, he's probably not dangerous, just not socially aware and isn't right in his mind due to the brain injury. You don't want to be mean as this can make some people unstable and have the opposite reaction. Remember, be direct, keep it short, and don't leave anything open for future visits.
Hope this helps!

Being mean gets you no where. It just starts a spark that did not need to be sparked. This guys has done nothing to you and just becuase he is different does not mean that there is a reason to bully him. Your husband wants you to bully this guy and there is no reason for it. It sends a bad message to your kids.

Bieng cautious is ok.

He scares your husband and he is to chicken to admit it. _ tell your husband that there is no reason to be rude..

He sounds confused not threatening to me. Sure I would totally stay away from him but your husband's advice of being mean to him is completely ridiculous! Not only is it unkind but that could also set someone off so to speak. Your husband also sounds like a total wuss. Advising his wife to be mean to some huge guy pfff! Next time say I am sorry I am in a hurry to whatever he says.

What? Did someone rob your husband of his testicles? What kind of man doesn't step up to the plate for the safety of his wife and children?

This is not your fault. Your neighbor is disturbed. Your husband is a wimp.

Honestly, I think you should move. Even if you have signed a lease, I would imagine you should be able to break out of it, since your landlord did not disclose the fact that you have a mentally ill peeping tom neighbor. I really don't think there is any way to live with any sense of safety and security as long as this neighbor lives near you. Good luck!

No, you are not wrong. From the sounds of it, you did not need to be mean. Nothing the guy has done sounds threatening, and he's mentally disabled.

I don't know what to tell you about your husband. He sounds like a coward who wants you to do his dirty work. If he thinks it's so important to be mean to this guy, then he should MAN UP, and be mean himself.

Hiding and telling you to be mean makes your husband sound like a complete wimpy jerk, sorry to say.

And I completely disagree that you should tell this guy that you have a gun. If he's threatening, call the cops. Hopefully you will move soon.

But if it were me, I would be nice, but to the point. "No, we don't want the books, but thank your for offering. Have a nice day." "I'm sorry, my husband is unable to help you."

Sorry, but from what you wrote, I don't like your husband very much.

I would have a very hard time being mean to this guy. If he is brain injured, he could very well be TRYING to be nice and kind, but is instead putting people off. I know that when my grandfather suffered some minor brain damage from a stroke, he seemed to be really mean. He couldn't control his facial features very well, and always looked kind of pissed off. He also got confused, and would act a bit irrationally.

This man sounds confused and misunderstood to me. I would definitely take precautions... Maybe install a deadbolt, or chain lock on the door (most landlords don't have a problem with doing this.) Keep some pepper spray near the door. Talk to your kids about NOT opening the door, and not going off with anyone. Make it so you are able to defend yourself if you need to, but don't assume that this man will actually try to hurt you. He hasn't tried to force his way into your house, and so far has left when asked to do so.

That said, it is very difficult to give any true advice, as I wasn't there. I usually advise to trust your gut in situations like this... If he feels dangerous to you, then you will have to act accordingly. Just make sure you look at the situation objectively, instead of allowing his eccentricity (likely resulting from his wreck) to color your assessment.

I am more concerned about your husband than the neighbor right now.

Maybe your husband is a tough guy all around, but:

First, he may not realize it, but yelling and shouting at this neighbor could set the guy off, enrage him, whatever. Especially if you simply start screaming at him out of the blue for his mere presence. I agree with you that the neighbor is one I would avoid every time, especially after what the police told you, and I would make a record of EVERY time the neighbor comes to your door (write it all down, time, date, record it if you have a security camera, whatever), but just starting off with a scream at him is really a good way to set him off. Ask the police. I doubt they will advise you to provoke this man by yelling.

Second, if I read the post right, and it was a bit confusing, you only took one box of books, once. You have turned the guy away at the door when he asked for your husband; you called your husband (why not the cops first?) when the guy was knocking and ringing at the door and you didn't open the door that time; when the guy talked to you outside (where you could not avoid him!) you quickly declined to go into his house and said your husband was home to alert the guy that you were not alone. Those all sound like exactly the right things to do. When you took the box of books you were not being nice and sweet and encouraging -- which your husband seems to think was the case -- but you sincerely mistook this guy for an EXPECTED delivery man bringing something your HUSBAND told you to expect.

Do you see the issue here? You have done nothing wrong. You have not encouraged this guy and have remained calm and on alert -- going nuts and screaming "I've got a gun" could only provoke this guy. But your husband is, your own words, "super angry" with you and laying 100 percent of blame at your feet. .Does he do this a lot, about other things? Because I see that he is part of the issue here. He does not recognize your fear. He does not even try to understand that you are scared to death to yell at this guy, and for good reason. He expects you to handle it as you are ordered to handle it, by him, or he'll be mad.

Did you get the name of the cop who talked to you? If you did -- call that cop. They can be reached at their station. If you didn't get that officer's name, ask for a community liaison police officer. Get an officer to come to your home and talk with both you and your husband about how to react to this neighbor and whether screaming at him is advisable or potentially provoking. I will bet you that the cop will advise you not to provoke this guy with screaming (especially if all the guy is doing is standing there staring into space). But your husband sounds like he will have to hear this from someone in a uniform, because he will not listen to you -- his terrified wife.

Then think about whether your husband has a habit of blaming you for things that are not your fault, or whether he expects you to act as he would act in every situation.

Yes, the neighbor is a red flag and I hope the cops are patrolling regularly. Tell them you want that. Because he is already on their radar you do stand a good chance of the cops actually coming to your home to talk to you, and putting on more patrols. Meanwhile, work on getting your new home ASAP.

I have to agree with Christy lee, you are confusing this man. Your husband should have been man enough to go over there and politely tell him he could not help with the game system. By telling him your husband would and then giving him no further information I am not surprised he showed back up to look for your husband, that would be the normal thing to do. I rarely think being mean is the answer, and being nice will often not only get you further, but will keep the other person from getting angry. This man may be a peeping tom, but he as not yet given anyone any reason to think he could be violent, I don't know why we tend to judge those with impairments so harshly and think that "being mean" is the appropriate way to deal with people. If he comes back I would politely and respectfully explain to him that your husband can not help him with the game (would be nice to give him numbers of game shops) and that he should not come over any more.

Ditto most of the other responses. This guy sounds unwell, and it's natural and appropriate to be cautious, apprehensive, watchful, and to a LIMITED EXTENT freaked out.

But you and your husband both seem to be assuming that it's more likely than not that he will cause you grievous bodily harm. That seems, unwarranted, given everything you've said. It's more likely that his brain injury prevents him from picking up on social norms, much like autistic people can't modulate their vocal tones, body language, and facial expressions in a way that makes other people comfortable, but this is a factor of their disability, not a sign of ill intent.

As for your husband's response, I agree with everyone else. No. Bad. Wrong. If this guy DOES mean harm, an aggressive response will provoke him. If (and I still think this is more likely) he makes people uncomfortable but won't do them any actual harm, then being cruel to him is an ethical wrong -- just like cruelty to any developmentally disabled person is an ethical wrong.

For you, I recommend taking a deep breath, continuing to be vigilant, but keeping things in perspective. For your husband, I STRONGLY recommend that he sit down with the police and ask for advice on what to do and what not to do. And that he FOLLOW that advice.

Finally, while I don't wish to get into a culture war here, I sincerely hope your husband doesn't own a firearm.

I just read this to my husband...he said that it is your husband's job to go and tell the guy to leave you alone.

That it needs to be done man to man and not in an "in your face" sort of style but in an "it is not appropriate for you to be bugging my wife" sort of way.

He said it is a husband's job to protect us and keep us safe from unsafe situations.

It doesn't mean I can't fight my own battles sometimes....but this should be a man to man discussion.

Now if after your husband warns him off it continues then you can always call the police non emergency number, if he is on your porch and you feel threatened.

I don't understand your husband not going to stand up for you!!!!!

When I was a single mom with my 2 boys (toddler and baby at the time), I lived in an apartment complex turned into condo's. After I had moved in, the neighbor directly across the sidewalk had a man move in. He was CREEPY to say the least. He always sat out on the patio (that faced my apartment) and smoked cigarettes and drank (that's not why I thought he was creepy). Once I swear I saw a ankle monitor on him, which led me to believe he was on house arrest. He stared every time I walked past with the boys and made me uncomfortable. Once he told me that I have really good looking boys and then chuckled to himself which FREAKED me out. My husband and I were dating at the time and I felt so much better when he was there. We used to call him Chester the Molester (to ourselves). Anyway, he never actually did anything to warrant me being mean, but he definitely scared me and my gut said to stay far far away from him. I would have NEVER provoked him by being mean, it would have made the situation much worse. I was just really glad when I moved! Anyway, I think your husband is wrong and being mean could seriously backfire. Maybe you should call the police department and ask them what you should do. But I guarantee, they will NOT tell you to be mean!

Sorry, but your husband is a dope. Being mean could set this guy off. Who knows? There is no reason to be mean to him, but you do need to be firm and careful. When he asked if your husband was home you should always say yes. Just mention that he cannot help him with the system, he's very busy, etc. When you are home alone, just talk through the closed locked door. If he has something for you just say no thanks or leave it on the porch. Teach your children this also.

Paragraph breaks are your friend.

Your husband is being a baby (sorry, he is).

No, it is not your "fault" that you were nice to this man the very first encounter you had with him and now he keeps coming back. Your husband is being ridiculous. And by the way, your husband doesn't really think that. He is simply irritated that he now has to deal with this issue (but really isn't, ironically).

What I can see your husband being irritated with is that you told this guy your husband would help him when you had no idea whether your husband would. Why woudl you do that? I assume you just blurted it out out of nervousness. You need to work on that - be calm and cool around this guy - that makes you in control.

Your husband should have gone out and POLITELY told this man he couldn't help him. If he really does have brain issues, he is totally confused at this point.

The answer to your "how would I handle this" part is difficult to answer. I am not afraid to protect my family, so if I feel they are being threatened in any manner, I will do something. I think rationally prior to acting, but I will act. The other person's feelings pretty much go out the door when I feel threatened. There is a reason I feel threatened, and hurting their feelings is the least of my concerns.

The way you describe this man, brain injury or not (had you not even mentioned that possibility, you would get VERY different answers), he is a potential threat to you when you are home alone. He has a history of stalking and neighbors (do you trust their word?) said he has been peeping. That is not OK, regardless of his "ability to get social cues". That doesn't mean you have to start screaming at the guy anytime you see him within 100 feet of your home, but it does require you to make smart decisions.

Your husband needs to step up and make his presence known.

You need to NEVER EVER again tell this man (or anyone for that matter) you are home alone. Wow.

You are FREE to tell this man he is not to come over during the week. (Better yet, have hubby do it) If he needs something, he can visit on a weekend (hopefully your hubby is home then). Tell him you have NO visitors during the week and you expect him to abide by that rule. If you say this politely and he objects, time to get more aggressive. But someone needs to set boundaries for this person who may simply suffer from a lack of understanding normal social cues.

Get a gun. Learn how to use it. I don't have a crazy neighbor (as far as I know) and we have a gun for protection in our home. I can't wrap my head around parents who don't (not judging, just saying I cannot even imagine what I would do if someone came in and I didn't have one). The gun protection is NOT just for this potential issue, it is for all potential and realized issues.

Get an alarm system - keep it on when you are home alone and make sure hubby knows it is on so he doesn't trip it.

Chances are, this guy will never harm you. But why on earth would you chance it? Put steps in place WITH your husband to allow you to feel safe in your own home. No one has the right to take that from you. And always follow your instincts. They will never fail you.

I cannot believe your husband is acting this way. I am just blown away. Women and men have different ways of dealing with things like this. If at that moment you were scared and intuitively felt the best way to keep yourself safe was to smile and be "nice" how dare your husband criticize you for that.

The few times I have felt threatened by a man my husband has ALWAYS stepped up to protect me. He is not an aggressive person but if I'm threatened by another man (doesn't happen often) then he uses his masculine presence to make sure I feel safe. Only once in over 25 years has it come to blows.

This guy could be dangerous but you don't really know. I think your husband wimped out, he should have gone over and talked with the man. Gotten to know him a little, as a man he has the ability to approach him in a way you cannot. I really can't beleive he thinks you should deal with this. I am one tough Momma if I feel my family is being threatened but I'm still a woman and no match for a 300# guy. I can handle myself very well when I need to be protective but I'm glad as long as my husband is around I don't have to do the heavy lifting when it comes to protecting kids and home.

Mean no. Cautious Yes. I always observe and see first. Your meaness could also be a spark. You never know what people have in their hearts. I would say this is a situation that your husband really should be handling, but he is reluctant to do so, so he is passing blame for something he doesn't want to man up and do (sorry). Thats how I see it.

Now you can keep some perfume to use like mace at the front door, dont leave your windows open and teach your kids what to do if this man comes around. Don't just tell them, practice it like a fire drill. Teach them some magic words and set up a code way to contact your husband if there is an emergency. This will come in handy if anybody is messing with them. Life skills you and they need to learn.

If you feel threatened it because your instincts are telling you to be. Trust your instincts and protect you and your children.

I would be leary too. With a brain injury and with a warning from the police I would keep my distance. I think your husband is scared and is taking it out on you. He should have talked to the guy the first time. You shouldn't feel bad and you need to tell your husband that you are not taking the blame. Good luck!!

I would certainly be scared in your situation as well. I hate to say it, but as others mentioned, my husband would never make me deal with this by myself, he would handle it. And I mean handle it.

But.... everyone's situation is unique. I don't think you need to mean, it obviously is not in your nature. But I do think you need to be direct. Next time you see him- preferably outside- I would say something like "I don't want you to think we're rude, but we really don't have people over for any reason, and just like to keep to ourselves, it's just too busy with the kids and our schedules. I hope you understand." Be clear. I know it will be hard for you to be so direct, but you need to send this message. Might also be a good idea to document when you say it- in case you need to later tell the police that you have asked him to not come over.

Other than that, it's fine to give a little smile now and then. If he continues to come over, you know you have a problem on your hands. If he stops, then hopefully he is just confused but not harmful.

If you tell him this and other things happen, you really need to tell your husband that he needs to handle this. If he doesn't, you need to consider asking the police to tell him to stay off of your property. Start small and polite, but do what you need to do to protect your family.

I don't think it's likely he's a serial killer.
I think your husband wants you to fight your own battles and not depend on HIM to take care of something YOU feel creep-ed out about.

I think it's good if neighbors can talk to each other.
You don't have to live on each others door steps but "Hello", "Thanks for the books", or "Nice day" is fine for light general conversation.
If you think someone's looking in your window (you've got curtains or blinds, right?), throw on the lights, open quickly and snap a picture.
Either no one will be there OR you'll have a picture of exactly who it is (it may or may NOT be your neighbor) and THEN you can call the cops and press charges.
Being polite and somewhat friendly (I mean in a light way - it's not like you are throwing your arms around the guy for a big hug) is not a 'Hey I am interested' come on.
(If your husband thinks that's what it means then he has his own set of special problems.)
Be clear about your boundaries.
If you don't want to help him with his game system then tell him up front "Sorry - I don't know how to set those things up and my husband is too busy to help".
It's just rude to let him stand there waiting for an answer from you.
You're a Mom - Queen of your domain - don't be a shrinking violet.
You can be firm and polite.
And if he ever DOES cross a boundary someday THEN shriek like a fishwife.

Where we use to live it was door to door saleman mecca.
There were days when the bell would ring every 15 min.
One time I got home from work, had our son who was teething and cranky was crying, supper was burning on the stove, I'm trying to get a load of laundry in (involved going up and down the stairs), I just answered the door 20 min ago when the door bell rang AGAIN.
It was the last straw.
I jerked the door open and said "WHAT?!?!".
The person took 3 steps back, said "I can see you're pretty busy. I'll go away now. Sorry to bother you." and then ran down the driveway.
I just said "GOOD" and slammed the door.
Yelling at door to door sales people and telemarketers is good free therapy as far as I'm concerned.