Crying Baby Does Not Want Family to Hold Her....

All kids go through stages. If she was ok before, then she'll be ok again. Keep taking her around her extended family, but don't force her to be held by others. She is still young and not really old enough to be manipulating the situation. If it keeps up as she gets older then you can start to worry, but for now just see how things pan out.

It sounds like this is a developmentally appropriate stage. She knows who you are and wants you close. Ask family for their understanding and let them know that she is just going through her developmental phase where she wants only mommy. (They shouldn't take it personally.) And she will go in and out of times when others can hold her or not. RE: spoiling a child that young... you can't do it, so comfort her how you want! It is a wonderful time b/c she knows that you are more than just the milk machine! Good luck, hope that helps!

My daughter was the same way.....she has thankfully outgrown it and is now 9 years old. Even if I went for a jog for 30 minutes, I could still hear her screams on my way back home! Not even my husband could soothe her. Hang in there. It's not easy, but she'll outgrow it.

Marie-anne :O)

My son is now 3 but as an infant from the day he was born I held him he cried of other people held him. Its just the personality of the child. Luckly he loved when his dad held him but no one else even grandparents tried to hold him and he screamed. I would continue to hold her and love her and ignore what other people are saying. she just has a personality that she wants you to hold her and no one else.

My son was about 18 monthes before he would sit with other family members. And now he is so lovable and loves to curl up with anyone but it took a long time.

Be patient she will come around in her own time.

I had the same issue with my older son and my mother told me that I was enabling him. Well I don't think a baby cries for nothing, and I DEFINITELY don't think a baby has the mental capacity to be manipulative. Personally I did everything possible to help my son feel loved and secure throughout his infancy, which included never letting my mom babysit him. What we have now at 5-1/2 is a very happy, well-adjusted child who is trusting. Many people comment on his confidence and carefree nature. I believe it's because he got a solid foundation of security.

I say ignore those family members. Tell them if they want to parent a baby then have their own. (sorry if that sounds angry but I am also annoyed with people who think they have a right to tell a mom how to parent their child).

Take care,
B.

Hi, V.! You're doing fine with your baby...definitely don't listen to the negative rantings of your family.

Your baby girl may be feeling overstimulated if there are too many people in the room and too much going on during the family visits. This happened once to my son when he was your daughter's age (he's 3 now). He screamed terribly and inconsolably and I didn't know what the heck was wrong (at the time).

Eventually your little girl will get used to being around and held by people...but it has to be at her pace at this age. I agree with a previous post that said to expose her, gradually, to each of the family members. Sometimes slow and steady does the trick.

Just continue to hang in there and do what you feel is right in your heart as her Mommy. And remember that while many others (family, friends, strangers) may offer advice (and all too often much unwanted and un-asked for advice), just listen politely, smile, thank them and then do what YOU feel is best for YOUR child. You'll always be better off that way. :-)

tell your family to get over it! she is ONLY 3.5 months old. They go through these phases. she may also be feeling a bit under the weather, teething early (sometimes it happens at this age), senses some tension and her comfort is YOU. your her mom, you are the one she looks for when she isnt sure, she is scared, not feeling well..etc. are they loud? do they move around too much? do they yell alot (even if its playing around) there are sooo many factors that could make her not feel secure and that is why she cries. you are not wrong in feeling that you need to wait till she is ready to be around other people - she is ONLY 3.5 months old. have you tried having only one person around at a time? then gradually moving to 2..etc? being a first time mommy can be tough especially if you have too many giving you so much 'motherly advice' it makes your head spin. and its worse if she is the ONLY grand baby/neice in the family so far. just go on your intinct, remember when/if you played with your baby dolls? how careful you were and how quiet you had your room when the baby was 'sleeping'? how did you react when you got hurt or were ill when you were little? being a mom/parent is about common sence and using what you have learned about being a human as you have grown up. its a never ending learning process for you and for your children as well as for your own parents. you are passing down your own lessons in life to your children and we always want our children to have better, do better, learn more :) no matter who we are.

your family may be bringing in stress and she feels it and doesnt feel comfortable being held by them. my daughter did that too. enableing haha whatever! shes your baby and you dont have to let anyone hold her. maybe try to just let her play on the floor and have tummy time while they visit she can get used to them being there and if she starts to cry have someone else pick her up an comfort her. if she doesnt calm in 5 mins then take her calm her down and put her back. or try to have another person feed her. its too soon for her to have the stranger fear so just give it time dont let your family get to you ok!

Oh sweety, just relax. Don't pass her around, let her stay where she feels safe and close your ears to negative things. Give the baby time and safety, this too shall pass. Can you put her down or in a seat without her crying? She just wants to be with you, forcing her to be with someone else is not the answer, at least not the only one. You are doing fine.

You are not enabling her, you are comforting her, you are reading her cues the way a mother should, and you are making sure she feels safe and trusts you! Good for you! My son started the same behavior at the same age and I did just what you are doing - after only a couple of months he was back to being comfortable with family members, but at three years old is still very standoffish with strangers or people we don't often see. It will get better faster if you don't push her and force her to be away from you - just tell everyone you're sorry they aren't able to hold her but you're sure this phase will pass and please keep coming to visit and play with her on your lap, you want her to see how safe they all are and how much they love her.

Dear V.,

You can't spoil a 3 1/2 month old. Just be attentive to her needs and, if she doesn't want to be held by anyone but you, just hold her. It's a phase she'll eventually outgrow unless she doesn't get her needs met now. Since the only way she can communicate is to cry, that is what she is doing. You are right to listen to her, rather than your friends. If you ignore your baby's needs and wants, she'll grow up feeling that she is not important or worthy of having her feelings acknowledged.

Continue to follow your own good instincts.

V.

My daughter did this around three months too. She would fuss and cry if anyone except me held her and after being with her all day I wanted someone else to hold her, even my husband. We realized that she was fussy and crying because she was tired. When our family and friends would come to visit it was usually in the evening and she was ready to go to bed. Now we just tell people to come and visit on her schedule because no one wants to hang out with a crying baby. Hope this helps. Also, are you breastfeeding? Has your baby taken a bottle? Maybe try having someone give her a bottle, especially if you are breastfeeding. It is important for her to know how to take a bottle if you are unable to feed her, ie. emergency. My daughter will take a bottle from everyone, but me.

HI V.,
Your little one just barely came out of your womb- where she didn't have to share you with anyone else. Try to look at her on the soul level, not just a baby who is at the mercy of every adult's opinion. What is her opinion of being held by anyone but mommy and daddy right now? OK- so she told you what she wants, now stand up for her!
All the best, S.

Hi V.,

Stick to your mommy intuition!! You have it for a reason. Like what everyone else says, you cannot spoil an infant. Allow her to observe everyone in her comfort zone. It will pass. You may go through the same thing around 6-10 months also. That is when, they say, your child developes seperation anxiety. I am going through that myself with my beautiful almost 10 month old. And stand firm with your family, they need to understand that its your baby's feelings that are most important, not theirs. Their ego may be hurt a little when your child rejects them. But their behavior and comments(in my opinion) are uncalled for. Stay strong and good luck. They grow up so fast.....

C.

Hi V.. Your daughter may be starting to realize that you are not attatched to her and finds this scary. Separation anxiety and fear of "strangers" is a very normal stage that all kids go through. Some feel this very strongly. Others it is barely noticable. Try having family come over to your house one at a time or visiting their home on a very low key occasion. Do your best to have others be the focus (not your daughter).

When you (or they first arrive hold your daughter or have her in your lap. Then have her sit next to you on the couch or floor. Ask family to sit with you. Give your daughter time (each visit) to warm up to them. Through out the visit always welome your daughter back when she comes back to you but after a few minutes move her away from you. Now, I'm not saying send her across the room. Start with her in your arms facing you. Step two is in your arms facing away from you. Step three is in your lap. If she can sit up on her own you would move her just a foot or so from you. If she doesn't sit on her own you would have the family member sit next to you with her between you. First you would support her then you'd have the other person support her.

With some kids this is a quick and easy transition that is child led. Some kids go back and forth and it takes what feels like forever. I liked to focus on whom ever I was talking to until I had my kids leaning on or held by the other person. When they had my kids I would play peek-a-boo or some other game that works best when facing the child. This way the kids got my attention and support through physical contact then they got my attention face to face and talking. Eventually I got to move away and focus on being ME not mommy. Good luck!! -Abi

V.:

First off, don't worry too much about everyone else's hurt feelings. Your baby's needs come first and you shouldn't be afraid to tell family members this. Your daughter is only 3 months old. In my opinion, it's not possible to spoil a 3 month old; you're only teaching her your love & compassion. She obviously feels most secure with you, so nurture that. She will come to enjoy others with time. At 3 months, her vision is becomming more focused, so seeing too many different faces may scare her.
If the situation is really bothering YOU, then try to not hold her so much when it's just the two of you. Or try to involve dad more and more. With my 2nd child, I did this b/c he wouldn't even go to my husband, which was really hard for me since I wanted them to bond. It took some time, but he was able to adjust. But I still didn't let other people hold him if he got upset. Like you did, we tried, but if he cried and didn't stop within a minute or so, I just took him back.
Also, as you're holding her, let others come within her vision range (about 12 to 18 inches away right now) and talk to her that way. She will still have the security of your arms, but she'll be able to sense that you are ok with the "stranger" and she will eventually be ok with them too.
Just don't force her. That will only make it worse on both of you. Go with your instinct on this and do whatever YOU feel is right. Good luck.

Wow! You are really over-thinking this! And listening to your family WAY too much. Your daughter is a little baby! She wants YOU. Babies and moms are a unit. You are her safety and security. She is becoming more aware of her world. She is growing and changing. You are her mom. Go visit family and friends, but hold her while you are there. Don't leave her with people just for the sake of doing so. You are her mom. Listen to your baby, not everyone else. She is now your main concern. If your family and friends can't understand that, it should be their problem, not your daughter's problem. Be a mom.

I don't think it's even possible to "spoil" a 3 1/2 month old baby. They want what they want, and it's your job as her mom to give it to her. My daughter went through a similar stage when she was about 4 months old. It lasted a few weeks and then she was back to being comfortable and social around people again. Please remember that even though she's only 3 1/2 months old she can feel everything you feel. So - when she cries when handed to a family/friend, take her back and reassure her that it's ok. Your job isn't to make the family/friend feel better - it's to make your baby girl feel loved and secure. As a side note - my one and only child is 3 years old now and one of the most social kids 95% of the time. There are still times when she gets clingy and doesn't want to go to anyone but her dad or me and there never seems to be any rhyme or reason to it. Hang in there!

You are doing nothing worng V.. And it si your JOB to protect her from discomfort. My first baby did that, I receveid all the criticism that people and relatives offered, and STILL kep my baby in my arms. You see, some people think that your baby is their toy! You need to be strong because this is just a first in a long list of future experiences where you will have to be your bchild' voice, and show yourself and your kids that you are in charge of them, not others. If the discomfort to stick to your values is too big, well, stay home and enjoy your baby...but don't lie about it! Good luck...in-laws and relatives can be a pain! A:)

Your family is over reacting. You CAN'T spoil an infant. Right now your daughter is clearly telling you she needs you for reassurance and comfort. Your best move is to offer just that and show your daughter that you can be there for her. She will grow out of this eventually and your family should be more understanding. Stick to your gut feelings and don't give in! Shame on them!

M.
www.sittersnow.com

We have a 2-1/2 yr old girl who did the crying and not wanting to go to anyone outside of her mom, dad and me grt g/ma. We did not force her but just told everyone about her phobia of other people. This was when she was an infant until almost two yrs old. People did make remarks that she was spoiled but in actuality she just didn't like other people holding her. She is fine now, very personable and able to go to others to say hi! Your child has hope, just don't force her because it may be traumatic for some.

Your daughter is trying in every way she possibly can to let you know she doesn't want to be held by others. RESPECT her. Follow your intuition. When you listen to others and dis-respect your daughter in this manner, she will begin to distrust you and sub-consciously that will permeate your relationship with her. This may sound a little harsh but I have had a similar situation. Cutey though she may be, she is a person. If she were 8 and objected, would you insist that she alow others to touch her? How about when she is 14? Protect your daughter.

Dear V.,

My daughter did the same thing as your daughter. She too was fine with others for the first few months. But, after that it was only me. She didn't even want to be held by my husband, her own father. I would leave her at the nursery at church and after 20 minutes they would have to come get me from the service. I finally decided to hold her when she always wanted and I didn't care what other would say, more so my friends. My family was supportive of me and reminded me that she is only little for a while and to enjoy the moment of embracing her. Sometimes it would be very tiring for me. But, I kept that reminder in my mind. I came to understand that her personality is a very cautious baby and needs a lot of time with a person and her surroundings before she is confident enough to be alone with anyone. As she got older, I would explain in step by step details of anything that we would do new and what I thought might make her feel unsure. My daughter is 7 years old now, she is strong willed and was at 3 months old. Knowing exactly what she wanted and what she didn't like and the only way to express it was by crying. The good thing about it all, was that I didn't have to worry about her taking off with a stranger and if so, I would be able to hear her shrieking cry! HA!

Because I stayed with her all the time. I had to make sure she was not getting away with being spoiled. This is something you will have to read for yourself. Children are clever and if they can get away with something, they will. So, if she is like my daughter and unsure of her surroundings, I would not give her that insecurity.

My daughter went to Pre-school at 3 years old. Using careful attention to her feelings and personality. She didn't speak to the teachers for 3 months and would not participate with the group. But, did well interacting individually with the teachers. This again made me think about her needing to be comfortable with her surroundings and in a group there was too much to have to be aware of.

Anyhow, sorry to keep going on and on about this. But, the main thing is to read and understand her and remember and to let others know that she is little for just a little bit and you may as well embrace her while you can. Because, one day she'll grow up and she won't want to be held anymore. She loves her Mom and feels secure being with you!

Wishing you all the best!!!
Enge

I have the EXACT same problem and it's so good to hear everyone's responses because I was having doubts too.

I am at the point that I do not want to visit anyone until I feel that my daughter is ready to be with people again. You said it! She is going through a phase, be patient and hold her as much as she wants, it won't last forever, and she needs your comfort and love.
E. H

From what I've learned in different classes and books, it is completely normal for a baby to prefer being in mom's arms. They feel safe to observe and interact with the rest of the world from your arms. It is a normal part of their development and you are number #1 to her right now...her moon and stars. Enjoy it rather than worry about what pleases others. My 10 month old daughter Grace does the same thing right now. I used to be able to pass her around for others to enjoy, but now when I try to pass her to an eager relative or friend (sometimes even dad) she grabs on to me like a koala bear and turns her head away from them. Then she turns back and smiles at them as if to say "i am enjoying you immensely..from here" And don't listen to family members that say you are spoiling her. You are actually teaching her that you respect her feelings and that will allow her to feel safe and secure, building up her confidence so she can then branch out to experience the world.

She's a little tiny baby. You need to do what's right for her and you. My daughter went through the same thing. She's just now realizing that she's an individual and not still attached to you. I would never force her to go to anyone. Your daughter needs to feel comfortable and secure. It's o.k. to hang on to her. Your not enabling her you're giving her security. When people stop paying attention to her and stop getting in her face, she'll branch out a lot more. Adults need to understand that this is a huge scary place, new sounds, new voices, she's at the age where she is now looking and hearing everything for the first time. At her age she doesn't have short term memory. She's not going to remember Grandma that she only see's on occation. Hold on to that baby and tell people give her a little space and you'll see soon enough she'll be more open to people.
My daughter would nurse for 20 min any time we went anywhere. It gave her a chance to listen to the new sounds, new voices, new smells, all the new senses. Then when she was done nursing I'd just hold her for a few more minutes so she could see all the new faces and things. Then and only then she would let someone hold her at only for short periods. She's now 2 1/2 and she approaches everyone ask their name. We went out dinner recently and she started talking to the table next to us and she introduced us to the whole table. Still today if someone she doesn't see a lot or a stranger reaches out to her or get's in her space she shy's away.
Be strong in what's best for you and the baby. If your not comfortable then don't do it. Your the mom & it's about you and your princess. I have 2 childern and people tell me all the time their fine, don't worry and that may be true, but I'm not and I need to make sure they're safe and secure. Not only physically, but emotionally too.
Don't worry you're doing a great job

T. H

Stick to your guns. You are doing everything right. She is still a little baby. If I was that baby and people kept trying to hold me and than telling my Mom she should leave me, I'd be crying too. I have a 2 1/2 year old. I didn't put him down for the first month and after that either I or my partner hold him as much as he wants which has naturally become less and less. I believe the more you hold your baby the safer he or she feels. Now he is more independent than some two years olds I meet. Just remember this time goes by so fast and no one will even bother to remember how she was at three months old. A good mom goes with her heart so keep up the good work.
You can't "enable" an infant. For the first year, you can pretty much count on the baby's want being a legitimate need. You can't spoil an infant by responding to her with comfort, love, attention, cuddles, etc.

My 13 month old son is very, very attached to mommy. It took him a while to get used to close family. The more you take your baby around family with your presence the more comfortable your baby will feel around different surroundings. Your baby is only 3 months old but very smart. It maybe stressfull not being able to leave her alone and run your errands or personal time for yourself but there are no breaks in being a mommy. You are not spoiling her but only meeting her needs, she needs you more than anyone. As long as she is calm and observing while you are around there is nothing wrong with that. Others can play with baby while in your arms, your baby will soon come around with confidence and go with them and that will be a growing step thrill!

I don't think you can spoil a child that young. I believe after a child is 2 years old, you can begin to spoil them. At 3 months, hold her. Tell your extended family that your Doctor said that it is impossible to spoil a child that young. Whatever. Hey, it worked with my family. LOL.

Hi. My son was like this as a new baby, too, except that he was like this from birth until about three or four months old and then he seemed to grow out of it. Same problem, except he also wanted me to hold him all the time. If I put him down or if anyone else tried to hold him (including Daddy) he would just cry forever. It was very difficult and stressful. The doctor suggested we try to soothe him like you would soothe a colicky infant, although he never came right out and said my son had colic. Either way, I used to get criticism from my mom and other people that I wasn't allowing my son to learn to be content with anyone else because I spent all my time holding him or wearing him in a sling. But I couldn't stand to leave him with somebody else or put him down if he was just going to cry (scream) without end. My advice to you is to do what I did -- which is to give your baby what she needs, which apparently is to be held by you and not handed off to anyone else. I know this is stressful and it puts a big burden on you because you never get to give her to anyone else so you get a break. But you already know how stressful it is to hear her cry! So I would find ways to accommodate her. Will she let you put her down in a swing or a baby seat? If so, that's good, and if she's happy that way when other people are around then just ask relatives diplomatically not to try to pick her up and just enjoy her and try to play with her while she's in her seat or swing. I don't know what's causing her fears or discomfort but she will probably grow out of it in time. Don't worry about "enabling" or "spoiling" a baby that young. She just needs what she needs, so try to give her what she needs (the comfort of being with you and not being handled by other people) and she will probably grow more comfortable with other people over time. good luck!

First of all, it is a phase. Don't worry. Your daughter senses your feelings better than you identify them yourself. Do not limit your outings or visits. That will only put-off completion of this phase. She needs to know that you trust whomever you have placed her with. It is much the same way when a working parent leaves their baby with daycare. You have to trust. Leave the room when a friend/family holds her...so you are not an option. You will get through it and many more phases to come. I personally loved the one where if I was out of their sight, they cried - so selfish of me. Take the phases in stride. If it isn't a health issue, it is not life threatening. Don't worry! Good luck & God Bless You!

OMG, V., she is just an infant! I'm so sorry to hear that you are being given a bad time from family members on this subject. Your daughter is a baby, babies want their Mommy.Period. There is nothing wrong w/ her, or you for that matter. I realize that everyone WANTS to hold her, but she is obviously not comfortable w/ that at this point. Listen to your baby. She is telling you want she needs. FYI, my daughter has always been very clingy with me. I often have felt bad because she won't go to my Dad, Stepmom, sister,etc. I've never forced her to go to anyone she didn't want to. My daughter is 20 months old now & is starting to warm up to people more. There are a couple of people that she see's every week & she's finally comfortable with them. Give your little girl time & don't force her. She'll come around on her own and on her own terms. Take Care!

As a former social worker you should know about child development and that a baby can't be spoiled until around 6 months, nor do they learn how to manipulate by crying. Your daughter is not comfortable with being passed around and ignoring that will set her up in the future for problems.

I have a niece who wouldn't let anyone hold her except her mother and great grandfather. She cried and cried whenever anyone else besides those two held her. By a year she had outgrown it, and was comfortable being held and around other people. When her mother forced her to be with other people it really exacerbated the problem and when she was allowed to set her own boundaries they actually expanded.

Some children and babies just have very sensitive boundaries and forcing them to let people invade those boundaries will affect her many years down the road. My niece has had to learn some very hard lessons in life with setting personal boundaries because she didn't want to disappoint the people invading her space. She is now a mother of her own and has only recently started to be able to stand up for herself. It was really hard not to hold her when she was so cute and little but our relationship now is great and has been since she was just over year old.

You are your babies best advocate and you know her better than anyone else. Don't ignore the mommy feelings you have and don't let other people pressure you into doing things you are not comfortable with. Your baby just wants to be able to observe from a distance and there is nothing wrong with that!!

Good luck and be firm with your friends and family. Also there are some good articles I've seen out here (can't remember exact URL's) but google baby behavior and get some support for your position. She will be better off in the long run if you allow her to comfortable at this age. If you don't protect her who will?

A. - Mother of 5 aunt to 26, great aunt to 1 :-)

She is who she is and you cannot do anything to change that, so don't stress about this "enabling" business. You are her strongest advocate, so you need to be firm with these "family" people that you would love for her to have a relationship with them, but they need to respect her boundaries. She will eventually outgrow this stage and become more active/mobile and will want to crawl around and interact, but she may NEVER be a snuggle bug to anyone except the people she chooses. And that is just who she is. Just keep visiting, but don't stress out the child or it may backfire and then every time you get into the car she will shriek until you are on your last nerve. Encourage her to interact with them by waving and quick kisses and she will learn that she must say hello and goodbye (basic manners) but don't force her to be held by them. There are lots of ways to enjoy babies, you don't have to hold them.

I don't think you should keep her away from family, just let her warm up to them. Hold her like you are right next to a family member, as she even gets a bit older sit her on grandmas lap (or whoevers) and hold her arm or even her leg so she knows you are right there. As long as you aren't holding her all the time at home (I know this can be really easy to do especially with your first baby) but let her go on the floor by herself, let her go in a swing, bouncer etc. Its easy to hold your first all the time, but you can still be very involved with her right there on the floor. Plus you will find out where and with what she likes to do when she is on her own, to give family and friends ideas if she gets upset. Plus then when you are at families house just put a blanket on the floor and let her play down there. Family will love to see her reach for a toy as well. You can also play "peek a boo" with her at this age. I did this with my husband. He held her with me right there talking and smiling at her, then I would put her blanket between her and I then right away I would show up again. It gets them used to the idea that mommy didn't go away, she will be right back.

First of all... you CAN'T spoil a 3 month old by holding her and making her feel safe!!! If she is exhibiting signs of separation anxiety there is a simple solution, keep her close! Don't let pushy family members make you second guess yourself as a parent. I'm sure they mean well and they just want to hold your cutie pie but if she's not ready then they'll have to wait and respect her and your feelings! Keep doing your job of making her feel safe. It's TOTALLY normal for her to be experiencing this. Google 'separation anxiety' and read a little about it for yourself. She'll grow out of it in no time. Just enjoy snuggling with her for now but continue to visit and expose her to other people. Now is the time when she'll begin to recognize faces and voices and eventually she'll warm up again. Good luck. You are doing great!

You are NOT enabling her. You are being the best mom you can be. Don't listen to any negative talk from your family. I think this is a phase that she will outgrow. You need to wait until she is ready to approach strangers/family and not force her to do so. Many books will tell you such. Enjoy her being little while you can. They grow so fast. Good Luck with everything.