OK so this is a partial vent and wooo is M. and question.
My ex and I havent been together since my daughter J. turned 3 and shes 5 1/2 now and living seperately has really started to bug her. She asked her dad last night if he could ask M. to marry him so she could have one family and one house again. It's breaking my heart completely. He even confessed to being willing to J. for her. Gosh it shows how much you love kids, because I am completely in love with my boyfriend and never would but those words make M. question (I SHOULD UPDATE THIS NOT IN REALITY i WOULD NEVER AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE REST OF MY POST, it doesnt make M. actually ponder it J. a quick thought) if I could live without love for 13 years J. to make her dreams come true and he completely does not like M. in the least bit in that way and probably never has but actually jokes at the idea.
(back story) My ex cheated from the time we met when I was 14 to the time we split up when I was 26. He had online dating profiles, did tons of things shady and lying. Put his mom first, would always threaten to leave unless I agreed to living his way (.yea I was silly for dealiing with it but I got my daughter=) ) . He admits to dating the same girl from 14-23 and then claims it ended when we were engaged even though the reason i found out was at 26 he left love letters on the desktop that went up until after I had my daughter. I still would have tried to fight and work on things and told him I would go to counseling if he could find a way to show M. it all wasnt fake and he loved M....yea he couldnt and later admitted to not ever loving M. before out daughter (10 years) and not being sure if he ever was in love with M.. So that was the reason I ended things. I wanted my daughter to see a loving relationship and family. So yea not something good to actually go back to. My whole life with him was pretty much a lie. We've made up and get along wonderfully now and I hold no grudges. I understand how his upbringing made him think all of those things were normal and hes since got help to make himself better for her.
So fast foward 2 1/2 years I have been with my boyfriend for over a year they met around 6 months when we got serious and he;s been very involved in her life and all things good for her since. Willing to go to parent days at school when I cant because of my work scehdule and much more. My daugher loves him but gets competitive at times and jealous and will tell him not so nice things sometimes (you're a poopy head), I think mostly to see a reaction , she used to with her dad when we were together when she was 2 and I think her dad still allows the potty talk. She does get talked to and punnished for this since I expect her to respct and be nice to everyone ecsepcially adults. Its so odd because if hes not there when she gets home from school she gets sad and misses him, so its not a matter of her not loving him. I assume some kids get jealous of bio parents relationships sometimes too right? i;m clueless because my parents didn't love eachother and werent healthy mentally or physically at all. I always reaffirm that shes my top priority and I love her with my entire heart and that love is endless and not to be measured between people.
Anyway my question is has anyone else gone thorugh this? What do you tell your child when they ask for the impossible, the fairytale that I wish she could have but is J. not feasible?
Does any other divorced parent have guilt for not beig able to make the impossibl possible?
Also have you dealt with jealousy between your child and signifigant other? whether it be their actual bio parent or a step parent? If so how have you dealt with it?
I plan to be with my boyfriend forever (an in marriage). We both plan for him to be an extra father figure in her life. I'm wondering if we should have a sit down and explain this to her so she knows his exact role in her life?
Anyway bring all of the suggestions and opinons even if they're not so nice.
I understand some will say I should still go back or should have tried harder but for M. to live completely depressed and know that everything I was living was a lie felt like a very unhealthy enviorment to raise my daughter in.
Also my plan is to concentrate on the good and tell her how lucky she is to have 3 people that love her so much with their whole hearts and we should be thankful for what we have rather than concentrate on what we don't and that she can come and talk to M. if shes feeling sad but I want her to realize how good this is and how mommy and daddy are happier and more friends apart and still are her family?? idk any other thoughts
Mtzkitty, I waited a year and a half to date --and we were over way bfore that year and a half even started...and by forever i mean we;ve talked about marriage, not some whimisical forever notio0n of a neverending fairytell.
I agree my ex should have told her a prompt no that would not work kinda answer. Rachel you're complately right! I would never actually want to or entertain the idea its J. a thought in the back of my head, like could i put up with that or should I ghave at times when I feel bad for her having to deal. It came up because she really hates livig in 2 diferent homes and keeps asking that we all move in together....even my boyfriend...lol i love how innocent she is with thinkint it would work...whenever we drop her off to him, she makesus all do a group hug with her. We al deal and do a quick hug. Obviously the answer is always no but when i hear her ask that it makes M. feel bad. Oh and my ex didnt tell her he would he told M. he would deal for her.
My kids would rather live here with Troy and I than their dads.
I get the feeling that is all she wants, to not go back and forth. I don't think there is a kid on earth that enjoys that.
You are so sweet and you love her soo much! I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from. Guilt for not being able to give perfection to our children is NORMAL and so is for them to seek what they think it's perfection (mommy+daddy) since this is the very natural way they came to life: from mommy+daddy, certainly not from mommy+"X". You are loving and sentive to your child's needs, you are also smart and know what's the best for THE BOTH OF YOU: since children seek perfection, I have no doubt you will be *PERFECTLY* able to ease her heartache and guide her through the array of feelings children of divorce go through while growing up. Luckily you also have a man you love by your side, to help you along the way. She will be ok, you are doing J. FINE, momma!
She's 5. Don't let her whims rock your world so much. She probably thought about it all of ten seconds, and you're reaking havoc on your own thoughts & emotions! You know what's right. I didn't even have to read all of your post to know that you shouldn't get back with her father, you shouldn't even think of it. And you should tell him that next time she asks him that, he should tell her NO, quickly, and let that be that.
Don't let the caboose drive the train.
WELL... I personally would not remarry him. I wouldn't even entertain the thought. What does your boyfriend say about all this?!
Thing is, 'normal' to kids is whatever you MAKE normal.
I'd let her know that sometime's moms and dads get along better when they don't live together, or even live with other people. That doesn't change their unconditional love for her, your daughter.
Would you want your kiddo staying with a guy who treated her poorly? HELL NO. So set the example NOW, and follow your heart... not hers.
It's a bitter pill for kids to swallow, but if you go into it confidently and put your foot down and explain that the stamped out all American family J. isn't what it used to be, maybe she'll start to understand better.
What prompted her to ask this to begin with?
It does get better, I promise, my 2 girls used to ask M. the tough stuff all the time... not so much anymore, because they GET it :)
ETA: Saw your SWH... seems like he told YOU and not HER so YOU would have to be the bad guy and tell her (and hurt her)... he needs to man up and be the one explaining this, she asked HIM!! He shouldn't have put you in that situation :(
I would J. hug her and say "I'm sorry this makes you sad, but sometimes we don't always get what we want. Some mommies and daddies do better living away from each other. We both love you very much but no we will not get married again."
I think you will have to say this several times. You're the parent, you need to set the expetations of your daughter not her. I would never go back to a bad situation J. because my child wanted that. My DD wanted a pony when she was little, but she didn't get that either and she turned out okay, so will your daughter because she has such a caring and loving mom!
Gotcha, JM. Now I understand better with your SWH. I'm SO glad that he hasn't said it to her. I would make sure that he doesn't, J. in case.
It sounds like he regrets being the jerk that he was, but that doesn't mean that a do-over will turn out any different. People who have a personality that is all about them, whether it's about a spouse, or even their own kids, don't change. You deserve to be loved by a man who won't have an affair. And you deserve to be loved. SHE will be loved by 3 of you - J. like you said.
Original:
JM, I don't have your experience. I do want to say I am sorry your ex is putting your daughter through this. I think it's a huge cop-out to tell her that he would be willing to marry you. It J. makes you the bad guy when you two don't get married. It's cruel to her, and cruel to you.
He doesn't love you. He loves her. That's okay. You are not in love with him now and have another love interest who is good to your daughter. So... no looking back.
I would take your daughter for some counseling to help her with this. I would get that ex of yours to the counselor and get the professional to tell him how unfair it is for him to get this child's hopes up. I really think that you'll have a lot of problems with her in the future if you don't get some help and get your ex to straighten up and act like an adult with his child. He isn't acting like one.
Good luck!
Dawn
I would be careful to not tell her "how lucky she is". She needs room to sort this all out and come up with her own conclusions. I know as parents we want to cheer them up and make it all better but some aspects of life are complicated, like blended family life, and kids need room to find their own way. She might need time to mourn the idea of not having her parents under one roof. I would J. validate her feelings rather than tell her to feel lucky. She might not be at the same place as you are with your boyfriend and she needs permission to go at her own speed. She will love you guys for that later. Sometimes it is important to focus on the positive, but with complicated situations i think it is best to J. give her room to feel what she feels. Blessings!
I agree with Rachel D. on this one. My 8 year old stepdaughter still asks my husband stuff like this occasionally. It was worse there for a while but it has gotten better. My husband J. consistently told her that mom and dad didn't get along which is okay. It happens. Everyone still loves her very much and everyone was happier with the way things are now, living apart. We also told her over and over that she has more people loving her this way. Mom, mom's family, her boyfriend, his family, my husband, his family, M., my family. That's a lot of people to love her and help her grow. She liked that answer by the way. It gave her reassurance she still mattered.
Her latest campaign is that we all move in together – the ex, her married boyfriend, us. That sounds like fun, huh. Maybe we can get the boyfriend’s wife and daughters to move in too.
I would concentrate on the good, too, and tell her it's not going to happen. Sorry. Don't feed into any fantasies of the two of you back together. You don't need to tell her what a cheater he was but you can tell her she is loved by all three of you.
I think that she's seeing a different normal in her friends' families and is comparing. It would be easier on her, but not what's best. You might want to point out how Suzy (or whoever) doesn't live with both her mom and dad, either.
Most kids I know that switch households hate it. I am seeing more and more couples who leave the kids in one spot, and the parents move in and out on a weekly basis. Those kids are much happier than the ones who have to switch back and forth.
When she says things like that, you J. have to tell her that you know that would be nice for her, but it's not possible and that this is the way it's going to have to be.
If you and your ex are determined to make her happy, maybe you could discuss having a family residence where she stays and the two of you come and go.
I can only imagine how much that would hurt your heart. I think if you remember that you don't have to have the perfect thing to say to her you'll feel less stressed. J. make sure to listen to what she's saying. Ask her why she thinks that would be better? She may give you an answer that you don't expect, and also something that may help her (obviously without you getting remarried!). Like maybe there is J. a logistics issue that stresses her out and is easily fixed. It may not always be that easy, but J. asking her questions lets you know where her head is at, and it will be easier for you to make her feel comfortable. You're such a good mom to worry about her, she'll be fine.
aww we want to do everything humanly possible for our little ones don't we? i totally get where you're coming from and if the reason you divorced was because you had lost the romance or been through a rough year or so, i would say sure why not try?? a non-broken home would be great for your daughter! i'm a big believer in the sanctity of marriage and whenever possible, i think two people who committed to each other in front of God and everyone should work things out BUT reading about what your marriage was makes it evident to anyone that getting back together isn't really an option. i think it's great that your ex got some help for his issues and you two get along now but if he never loved you and you know it's all a lie, that's not a healthy model of relationship that you want to pass along to your daughter. To have parents fighting and calling cops on each other in front of their children is what messes kids up, not necessarily the fact that bio parents aren't together anymore. as long as you work together to provide stability and love in her life, your daughter will be ok. she's still young and it sounds like she doesn't realize that your bf would have to disappear in order for her fantasy to come true. from what you write, it sounds like she likes (or loves) your bf so hopefully your plans to marry will come to fruition and you all can be one big modern family. :)
