Dealing with Inappropriate Comments

Generally speaking, I try to have my husband address issues with his family and I address issues with my own. Ideally, in a situation like that, your husband would hear the comment and immediately address it clearly and directly. "Dad, I don't want you talking to my daughter like that." If your husband does not wish to step up and address the issue, first inform him that you will. Have a ready response for anything that you feel conflicts with the way you and your husband are raising your daughter, but make it clear that you will not tolerate inappropriate conversations with or around your daughter.... "I don't appreciate those comments to our around my daughter." If the response is, "It was a joke." You can ask him to try humor more appropriate for a toddler. He can choose to escalate things, but you've at least tried the moral high ground.

I agree with you, these are hurtful comments. Not only to your image but to hers in the future when it comes to her friends. She is not going to be self confident if her G-pa feels she is already below the norm because of her home life as he sees it.

If I were you I would have your husband and MIL have a conversation with him telling him this is unexceptable behavior and if it does not stop he will not be allowed around her. He needs to know it is not about him it is about her and what is best for her and you and your hubby are the boss and have the support of his mom so this is what it is.

I am sorry you are having these issues and hope this gets better.

Often people say things to a child to make a point to the adult. Like - isn't your mom pretty or is mommy having a bad day today? rather than saying dear you look pretty or are you having a bad day.
I think your husband and his dad need to talk about how little respect he has for him. That's his own son he's calling poor. They may have some issues that need to be addressed. Those issues are manifesting themselves as comments to a little child. Is he disapointed in how his son turned out or what? I'd be mad that someone had that little respect for my husband.

Hi, why don't you suggest that he set up a college fund for your daughter if he is concerned about your income?

You know what I'd do? Take him up on his offer. Next time he says it, say, "You know, I'm so glad you mentioned that. Husband and I are really stressed out and could use some time off, so we'd love for her to stay with you for the weekend! Thanks!" If he balks, mention that he's made the offer several times, and you're _so appreciative_. You'll be back on Monday.

My guess is that one of two things happen. One, they take care of your daughter for the weekend and never make the offer again (those little buggers are tiring!) or two, he insists that he's joking and so you say to your daughter, "Aw, that's too bad that grandpa won't let you stay here. He must not really love you." When he gets upset, insist you're "just kidding."

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. Good luck.

how about telling him "But she lives with us so she can learn that money doesn't buy happiness?"

I agree that sometimes people say things to a child that are intended for the adults to hear. I suspect that FIL is embarrassed or anxious about your financial situation and has chosen a wrong way of communication; the subject probably is not easy to address! I think it is a communication flaw that resulted in disrespectfulness and miscommunication. Someone should have a heart to heart talk with him and hopefully would result in a positive way to express and address his anxiety! If he is sincere about offering help, let him know that a college fund idea is a better than his taking your daughter away to live with him.

Oh my! Nip this one in the bud quick! If your daughter hears that when she is a little older, she may worry that she will have to leave you! Some adults think they are so dang clever!

I remember a neighbor telling my sister and I that instead of paying taxes with money that my parents were going to have to give up one of us kids instead. My 6 year old brain couldn't discern that he was kidding and I lay awake at night wondering when my sister or I would be taken away. Boy, was my mom mad when she found out! She gave that neighbor and earful!

So......give your FIL an earful and tell him to be more respectful of your family and that your finances are none of his concern and that, unless he is paying your bills, you expect he keep his opinions to himself and DEFINITELY not saddle your daughter with his comments!

Kuddos to your MIL for standing up for you! Give that woman a hug!

I wouldn't worry too much about her picking up his values. You and your hubby are her best role models and you sound pretty grounded money-wise. Kids learn pretty early which relatives are not playing with a full deck. Just make sure that you combat his comments in a positive way. I would NEVER tell her that her grandpa doesn't love her. Especially, if you plan to follow-up such a hurtful comment with 'just kidding'. That is childish tit for tat and has no place in effective parenting. You are not responsible for teaching your FIL a lesson, but you are responsible for teaching your child how to respond appropriately to inappropriate comments. Instead, you could say, "we may not have much, but we have you! And that makes us the richest parents in town!" or 'our family may not have tons of money, but we have tons of love!' Then very cheerfully tell grandpa that he can't have her, 'cuz you would never let her go.
Just keep reinforcing your values with your child and know that grandpa's comments only make him look like and elitist idiot.

My two...

He might be directing his voice to your daughter but he is definately talking to you and your hubby. Its super rude and I would call him out immediately. A quick "that is so rude you are going to have to leave OUR house" - then do not listen to the joke explanation. If he says its a joke say its in poor taste and when you get some new material you can come back. Leave it at that and hopefully he will get the point.

When I began to read your post, I was thinking your child was able to comprehend what was being said. I'm sorry if you were hurt or insulted, but at 1.5 years old I don't think she's in danger of being corrupted by her rich Grandpa.

If what he said upset you, speak to him directly and don't let this fester. If he doesn't know what you do for a living, tell him and explain that you and his son are raising your child with your own set of values.

Blessings...

Hi Mama-
You have to squelch it, now. Really, your daughter is very impressionable. And when you think about it, unless your in laws were born into wealthy families, they too had to work hard for what they now have, and it didn't happen when their babies were infants/toddlers. Most people don't understand that at 25-30 you are not going to have what your wise and investing parents have achieved at 60...because you are not 60 yet.
Your father in law perhaps should be reminded of that fact and if he would like to contribute to the income that is fine, otherwise his "jokes" are not welcome. The thing to do is have a heart to heart where he won't be embarassed- your hubby may need to be the one to do this- and let him know that while things may be tight financially, you are still okay and if you ever needed help, he would be the first one you asked. And in return for not making this a public scene, you would appreciate him remembering that you are still young and foraging ahead, and eventually you hope to be as well taken care of/fortunate and blessed as he has been. You know he has worked hard for it and you are doing the same.
And as far as your baby girl, kids are impressionable, and she needs to learn love over money, not love of money, and you need your in laws help in teaching her that. If they are part of the solution, they are usually more willing to help.
Good luck!

I would honestly, tell him to knock it off.
I understand you want to be nice about things, but it sounds like this is something that continues with or without you saying something to him.
Be stern and serious. Tell him he either knocks off those comments or attitude, or he can't be trusted around your daughter.

I have a similar situation with my MIL. She talks to & treats kids like they're ignorant dogs. I got sick of hearing her say things like "You wouldn't know anything I'm talking about cause you're just a baby" or "All that a baby's life consists of is crying & pooping" And saying them TO MY SON.
There were worse comments made as well.

I finally got so sick of her I "told her off"
You might have to do something similar.

I think that your husband needs to have a good private talk with his father. I agree with the person who mentioned that what he's doing is making a disparaging remark concerning his own son. But, I would suggest that your husband not even dwell on that aspect, but point out to his dad that if he keeps on making remarks like this, eventually your daughter is going to be old enough to understand them and that the likelyhood is that they will cause her to lose respect for grandpa. If he values his time with your daughter and her respect, this may cause him to re-consider the way he's talking.
A little thought on a 'smart-aleck' comment too... what if you said something like "oh thanks Dad, when can we move in? We were just trying to figure out how to save money."
More seriously, in cases like this it would sure be nice if the parents were more supportive and trying to find ways to help you out with your difficulties without being pushy or trying to take over your life. We have seen situations in our grown children's lives when they needed a financial 'boost' and we invited them over for dinner a bit more often, or did other little things for them that were helpful without making them feel like charity cases. Sure would be nice if your fil would knock off his comments and start thinking about ways he could be helpful too. But we can't always change people's ways. Just have to love them in spite of themselves, I like to say.