Dealing with Kids Who Aren't Mine

Well, if you don't actually see anything happen, you can't say anything, but if I see something happen, I always say to the other kid, "Stop (hitting, kicking,whatever), or It's not okay to ________ or We don't do________here." I say it sternly and firmly -never yelling. Kids will usually go away at that point or completely back down when they realize they've been called on something they know they're not supposed to do -especially by an adult stranger. I have no problem letting any parents who suddenly materialize and take issue that their child was doing whatever it was.

I'm always commenting to other people's kids. The kids fool around pretend they are ninja's and then what is playful gets out if control and the kids hurt eachother. If my son hurts a kid by accident he apologizes right away. If another kid hurts him and doesn't say anything I say" ok, things are getting out of control here you guys are hurting eachother back away for now". If I didn't see what happened then I assume it's an accident and make the kids involved apologize to eachother. Each situation is different. But since she had no parental supervision you could have just said "there are little kids here and I don't know what happened but you being the oldest please be more careful" and go from there. I am glad to hear your daughter is ok.

I try to remain calm and always tell the other child politely the right way to handle the situation. In this situation I would have looked at her and said "I realize you may not have done this on purpose, but the nice thing to do is ask if she is ok. Then I would also apologize to her if I were you and again I realize it may have been an accident." I try to make the other child know that I am not puting an "at fault" on them, but just the let them know it is ok to ask if someone is allright.

Good luck and I look forward to reading your other responses.

I once forced a girl who had kicked my son, and tried to do it again, to take me to her guardian so I could talk to them.

I would probably respond the first time with something like "Please try to be more careful, you are bigger and need to be careful." If it persisted, I would just leave. It's not my place to raise some other parent's little bugger.

Mom, there is not a whole lot that can be done when the 10 yr old child is there with out a parent, you have no power beyond what you did in talking to her. In addition to what you said you may have also said something to the affect of "you need to be more careful around little children" in a stern way but I think you got your point across. Call me old-fashioned, but my 10 yr old would not be allowed to go to the park on her own, it tells you something about the parent who allowed her to be there without supervision. You did the right thing Mom.

MS, as the mother of 5 and all of them active and curious I saw a lot of this from both sides. When I saw a child hurt mine I would insist on talking to the parents and telling them to watch thier child and be responsible if it was my child that caused the problem and a parent talked to me I'd make mine work extra hard at being nice to the other child.
Since there were no parents-- what kind of folks let a child these days go alone to the park??? one almost has to feel sorry for her. But you must protect yours and tell the kid NO and I mean it, you owe my child a apology and I don't want to see that happen again you are bigger and should be more careful. Don't you see how you hurt this child?
On the other hand, I have a child with Asperger's Sndrome which is in the Autism family. People see him as a big guy, silent and watching nd will think he is the agressor when in fact the judgement comes from his size and ability to have hurt someone. Once he got yelled at and I informed the parents that he'd been helping the hurt child so attack the one who did it. A bully is a bully and tht is not ever acceptable. My son just came in and said "Mom what if the parents weren't there becasue she isn't cared about and no one taught her" So what ever you have to do make it a teaching moment.

I just jump right in there and yell at them. Once I turned around and there was a kid holding my son's shoe and wouldn't give it to him. AT the top of my lungs and sounding like a posessed woman yelled WE DO NOT TEASE-NOW YOU GIVE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW DO YOU HEAR ME!!! The whole playground stopped and looked. I never did see who the parents were-they were probably too embarressed to fess up.

I probably would have sternly told that 10 yo how we need to be careful around little kids.

It takes a village. At a neighborhood park I would hope someone would step in and correct my child's behavior if I didnt see something happen. Shoot, anywhere! If the parent is there I leave it to them. No parent around? I am the adult in the situation.

And YES my 10 year old goes to the park by herself. It is called building independence and learning important skills.

You've gotten some great feedback here, I just want to put in a word for that ten-year-old's "smile" - I have seen that smile, on my own kids, and on other kids - it's really not pathological, they're embarrassed, and they don't know how to fix it. Maybe she meant to hurt your daughter - more likely, she was just playing her own game and it was an accident. The mom who suggested asking questions was right on, I think.

I also have to put in another word for the "village" that we are all a part of: we all live in a community, our children are part of our community, and we are all responsible for the community that we live in. I expect other parents at the park to interact with my children - in friendly ways and in parental ways. I appreciate it if my kid starts to fall off the climber and another parent steadies him. I appreciate it if my kid accidentally hurts someone else and another parent helps to mediate. As long as everyone is respectful, and we as parents strive to be fair and not get emotionally caught up in defending our own children, it all works out.

I get so ticked off when I read a post where an adult actually questions whether they should step in when they see something wrong. That's what being an adult IS.

I am not trying to be harsh to you personally, but somewhere along the way, we forgot that we're all in this together. No one can hover over their kid 24-7, especially at age 10; I would be mad if my kid did something stupid and the nearest grownup didn't call him on that. Kids do dumb things sometimes...grownups correct.

The teaching moment should be: Hey kid, all grownups are your parent, so behave!

You know I remember being young still very well even though I'm 30. When an adult interacted with me I could have cared less. I was a well disciplined child at home but what some other adult said I could have cared two cares. Sure I might move away from the adult. You know what makes an impact instead of meaningless words....

My mom! I'd ask for the child's phone number and call her. Follow the child home. Ask for an address whatever. Not to mention I'm never ok with a person talking to my child. Stranger danger and all that.

But if you have concerns and you don't want to call the mom remove your child. Lets face it only people of authority matter and another mom isn't going to be one more than likely.

But I'm a proud Helicopter parent as my mom was. I think I turned out to be a great person and I think my children will. They will learn how to behave in this world with me teaching them at their side. I was always well adjusted and I always know what to do. Why because my mom was right there in ever situation to teach me. So I see nothing wrong with being a helicopter parent. Sure when they are teens you have to let them go but hey lets face it when they are that old you better have taught them how to be a person and well there they are.

I don't hesitate to step in when kids are hurting each other, even if one of them isn't mine. Instead of going on the attack, though, I tend to ask a question. Like, "Can you tell me what's happening here?" or "I saw you throw that stick. Please tell me why you did that." or "Is there some way you guys can work this out without hurting someone?" or "What do you think would be a good way to solve this problem?"

Kids get defensive and start making excuses and accusations if accused, as would any adult, even if they've been on bad behavior. It's generally more helpful to give them an opportunity to straighten up and save face. If they won't or can't, then it's appropriate to ask them their name, phone number or address, and perhaps offer to escort them to their homes for further discussion. This has scared a couple of kids into behaving well, at least while I was there.

That's when you want to use a "teacher voice." Harder if you're not a teacher, I know, but you want to talk like a teacher does, with authority, but calmly and in a way that makes the child feel safe.

Steps to follow, address the hurt child, make sure they are okay. Ask the other child what happened, listen, ask your child what happened, ask both kids what they could do next time to keep this from happening again. This allows the moment to be a teaching/learning moment.