Dealing with Separation

www.focusonthefamily.com
Here are two websites that offer family help.
http://www.pbbc.com -offers family counseling
www.earlycareguide.com
The counseling center ###-###-####
Sp River counseling ctr ###-###-####
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www.singlemamahood.com

D.,
I am going through a divorce myself. Even though I'm the one who filed, it's still a scary, emotional time. (My kids are 16, 14, and 5)

I have found a great online group that has tons of answers, advise, and support. It's http://groups.yahoo.com/group/copingw-divorce-separation/

You just need to sign up for a free Yahoo ID and join. I've found a lot of help on this site, and there's even about 3-4 of us from Fort Lauderdale on it.

A.

I wish I could help you but my hubby left me on Nov.3 with my 7yr old and my 6mth old. Just pray thats what is keeping me sane

D. I am a professoinal woman, but I have got to tell you the way it is. Girl friend if he want to go than let..... Him..... go......... Please do you think for one minute if some.... well let me hold my tongue, body wants to leave me I'm going to be sitting somewhere slingning snot all over the place, please...... Let the door hit yah where the good Lord split yah. You aint gone yet. Give me a number I'll fax you out of my life. Listen bump him, answer me this if some one killed one of your kids wouldn't you wont the maxium for that person. Okay than it;s a no brainer go for the max. Divorce is the death of a relationship, he detroyed a portion of your life, make him pay. Who cares about his anger. My guess is that you didn't just find out that he didn't want you, he has probaly been a jerk for a very long time and God did you a favor by riding you of that heart-ace and pain , girl friend celebrate have a party. Do you need me and a couple of the mamasoure mothers to help you celebrate. Please shake your self open your eyes. There was probaly so much stress in that house the kids was probaly scared all the time. Now that mess is
O V E R. Shake your self wake up, now it's time ti live. Go shopping by your self some new cloths, and say God in due season send another better than the other.

Umm I could write a book. I know exactly. The only difference is we didnt' have a house together and we only had a 2 year old at the time. He kept going back and forth and for her sake we kept giving it another chance, his decisions of course. When he would say "I want you" i believed him. A year of rollercoaster. The other day would have been our 4 year anniversary, i remember the happiest day in my life like it was last week. The drama since then, how could he put me through taht, he was supposed to love me, he said so. But i digress... we signed separation papers a year ago, and due to stupid lawyer, it is almost finalized right now. There really are different stages of gried, it is the loss of a relationship. Luckily i dont have issues witht he kids. she is used to him not beinga round, and now he moved out of state. So Im a really a single mom, but i have been living with family until i can afford to move out.. its been over a year now. He is thousands of dollars behind in support. I am still angry as hell at him, i am so better off. i was unhappy when we were together we said vows, if he never left i wouldnt hav eeither. it was a good choice, but he lied to me and faked a relationship with me, and of course found other women, but he ekpt coming back.. so i thought that meant more. lots of counseling... my counselor makes me feel like im not alone, he tells me about other people he knows (not names of course) but advice i can take with me. My email is ____@____.com to talk more, it does get easier with time. The most important thing in the world irght now is your kids and taking care of yourself. EVen though, i'm one to fight fair. I dont want to fight so hard, that he will make my life miserable. Pick your battles kind of thing. I want him to go to hell though, wish him the worse of luck (which has happened and im proud of it), he has been with psycho women and deserved it, he lost his house to Foreclosure and deserved it,i hate him for what he did to me. I have no interest in dating either.. just trying to be the best mom there is .

S.

Try counseling, individual and couples. if you wnat to keep your marriage together, you have to be open about trying different things to keep it together. Something was being said or done by either one of you that was not listened to. when he says something toyou that you don't like, your defenses go up, but he's saying it for a reason. And vice versa. Whoever should take that and learn from it. Most people don't though, they just shut down. As long as you feel like you tried everything to save your marriage.

If it does go as far as a divorce then as far as the child support, I think try to keep it fair. i know easier said than done when you feel he's the biggest jerk. Try and calculate the cost of living for them and then a little extra for the just in case moments or whatever.

As a child of divorced parents....it sucks, especially if the parents don't get along. If i learned anything from my parents divorce and from watching my friends with their divorces, is that regardless of the circumstances, you have to try to make an effort to get along and be in the same room together for the sake of the kids. It soo hard when I know that one or the other of my parents will not come to an event because of their relationship, or its so tense in the room that you don't know what to do with yourself. you have to think of whats is in the children's best interest because this is for the rest of your lives and thier lives and their children's lives....forever. Thats alot of school plays, graduations, birthdays, weddings, births, etc.

Do what you have to do and ask for what is deserved and needed for the sake of the children. this is one of those situations where you're gonna have to be super grown up about it and do alot of pride swallowing. It WILLl get better.

D.,

My husband and I have been sepparated for 7 months. We're getting to the point where we're either going to reconcile or get a divorce. It's a more mutual thing than what you're describing and still those shifting emotions are verry strong. The best advice I can give you is to put the emotions aside when you're dealing with the support negotiations. This part is all business. Sit down and figure out what it realistically costs to support you and the children, down to the number of Happy Meals ;). Your lawyer or mediator will then tell you how much is a fair amount of support. Then ask for more than that. You can back down a little in the negotiations or waive that extra later on but it's very hard to get more support if you find you need it. Remeber, being fair about this means being fair to yourself as well. :)

The other thing I strongly advise is getting into a support group as well as weekly therapy. This is an overwhelming experience; no one gets through it alone.

Best of luck,

J.

D...

Unfortunately, I am married. However the feelings you are feeling are justifiable and its okay to be unsure. Just remember that the kids can sense any and all hostility between your husband and yourself so if possible try to be civil just for the kids sake. Its all about Karma and he will eventually get what he dishes out.

D.,
I'm so sorry that you have to go throught this. I can imagine how hard it must be for you, considering the age your children are.
While I don't have any experience with my husband leaving, when my twins were 6 months old, their father left us for another woman. I was completely devasted. I had an emotional breakdown and unfortunatly, it happened infront of my daughter. Thankfully, she was so young, she doesn't remember. But she and her brother do remember the fights. He was in and out of their life for about a year and half. He just recently moved to Illinois and I'm supporting them 100% alone.
It will be hard, but for the kids, you have to be strong...at least while they are around and awake. And make sure you and your husband both explain to them that it has absolutely nothing to do with them. And...if they see you crying, allow them to comfort you. Let your hearts break together, because maybe that will help.
My email is ____@____.com if you need to chat, about anything. where are you located in Florida?

Best wishes,
S.

Well it was hard for me when he just up an left. It takes about 6 month to move on. But you can do it if you have alot of friends and family to help you. In the divorce make sure you get what you think is right. See I never married mine but we where together for 10 years. But I took him to court for child support I told him he was going to pay. But he still has not. But I have been doing great with out him on my own I have some family help. You can make it if you ever need some to talk to i'll talk.

F.

Dear D.,
First I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. It is hard on the parents and the children when there is a divorce. You were saying that you werent sure what to ask for...that is hard. You need to remember ...he left,but it is still his responsibility to make sure you are able to take care of the children. However, the one who gets left always has the biggest responsibility and in the end will benifit the most from sticking with your kids and the family God has given you. Dont feel bad about asking for what it will take to get you and the kids through this time. Keep working hard like all us moms do! Also try not to down talk your ex to your kids...my husband is bad about down talking his ex wife to the kids and it only makes them mad at him and defend her! They are smart kids I am sure and they will learn in their own time who is really there for them. Good luck with all this and may God bless you and your children AND your ex, because the better you and he get along the better it will be for your children. Hope this helps even if only a little.

D.,
I am so so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I went through a divorce myself, thankfully no children were involved. However, that doesn't make it hurt any less!!
You don't know me, and I don't know you, but if you need to vent, or talk or whatever, I would love to hear from you.

I am also 35,a stay at home mom, with three kids.... except mine are 4,3 and 1!!!
J.

I am so sorry for you. My husband left me 4 months ago for a 19 year old with also 3 children. I am going right now through court proceedings. My number is ###-###-#### or cell ###-###-####. I know your pain and I am here for you anytime. Its hard, overwhelming and at times you feel all alone but you are not. We need each other and we need to share and see that we are not alone. Our children needs us as much as we want things to go back the way they were but sometimes, its now our choice. Please call me anytime if you need to talk or even met. Take care and I am praying for you and your children.

D.,

all these feelings are so normal. It truley took me years to get over my husband leaving, and of course with kids its even harder. Yes you do need to make sure the kids are taken care of. as far as child support, what the state of Florida goes by is what the two of you make a year and the number of children. I do have a printed copy here as I am in the middle of a divorce as well. If you would like some more info, email me privately. My email address is ____@____.com You also want to make sure you have a good support system. That is what is going to get you through this.

K.

Hi D..
I completely understand what you are going thru. I am also 35, and in April my husband left me and our 9 year old twins, and it was a complete surprise. It was also devastating financially. We had an ugly couple of months where he avoided us, we got no money, I wasn't earning enough at my part time job to pay the bills (thank God for friends loaning me money) and I even had to get a temporary restraining order on him (usually a very very sweet guy, but he kept breaking into the house after I changed the locks to get more of 'his stuff'). Luckily, we have finally gotten to the point we can get along and he pays child support regularly.
Enough about my details.......I Still get angry, sad and feel numb so much of the time.
You need to speak with a lawyer (if you can't afford one, contact legal aid in your area to find out what you are entitled to in a divorce), because it may not be a matter of what you OR he wants in the divorce, but what it is his DUTY to supply his kids with. Contact your local child support enforcement also, it's a time consuming process, but a very important/necessary one. You will regret it if you don't.
I also just saw a doctor to get back on depression medication. I have cried so much over the past 6 months that I realized I needed help. Talking to your doctor (and scheduling an appointment with a therapist) can also be very helpful by giving you a way to vent, and perhaps a way to look at things that is not so hopeless.
You will be fine. You are a woman....with children. I believe that is the strongest kind of woman there is!!!
This is something you WILL get thru. I promise it. Your kids will drive you.
Good luck.

Sandy

D.,
Hey friend......
I am so sorry for the feeling of being deserted and alone. Not to break out and start preaching on you but be assured, your never alone. Not to be little your situation either, but know too, your not the only one suffering this feeling "now".
God will fix this, I believe. Do you want it fixed? Do you want to struggle through until it's fixed? Most of the time it is easier to walk away rather than fight. With God and his power, you would not fight alone.
Divorce is the easy fix today. And for what, so you can eventually meet "Mr. Right?" there will never be a Mr. Perfect. Perfection does not exsist here on earth. Your not perfect, why do we expect or partner to be? I do not know the situation, no. But I have had my own and believe you me, I prayed for my husband to just die. Grieving his death would had been easier than walking the road I had to. I prevailed! I am still struggeling! Every day now is a day "I" have to conquer not wanting to make him feel as he did me. It's not just about the children. They will forever need their father. He can't be replaced. There's so much to weigh out sweetie. I say personally, pray. Pray for the strength, understanding, wisdom, and all you need to pull it all back together. Either way God's will, will be done.
Hopefully it's not "to late" and the two of your can seek counsel. A lot of relationships dry up because we have the children and stop having a marriage. So even if it is to a counselors office, it could be "the fisrt date" to recover. Don't give up sister!
God bless the family

Hi my name is P., I'm mother of 7 months old baby her name is Leah. She is my sunshine and I love her so much. I imagen that you are having a hard time and I want to help you with some thing.
Do not try to find a guilty... that it does matter right now. You have three beautiful kids and every thing that you do is for them. Do not fight or discuss with him.... remember "you will catch more flies with honey" and you have to get that He still supporting you.
Try you keep you busy doing things that probably you didn't do it because the time, read, put in order your closet, clean the garage.... or dye you hair, wax your leg, walk, do some excercise.
Always after the night a sunny day come....
Don't drink or smoke that wont help you....You have to be wake up!
Good luck and I will like to say hello whe do want it.
P.

I am actually going throught the exact same thing right now. Only I left my husband and our home with the kids three months ago. He was verbally abusive and very unfaithful. We were trying to move past that..but in his mind he was gone long ago. I decided I deserved better than a man who never got me anything for my birthday, anniversary etc and was always gone and his cell phone ringing constantly. I am angry, sad, and confused too. At times I wonder if it would be better going back but then I realize when I see him, he will never be any different than the cold hearted dick he became. Its hard to let go and start over, but sometimes you just have to....it's always greener on the other side of darkness.

Hi D.;

First off I wanted to say how truly sorry that i am to hear about your situation. It is a really hard thing to go through no matter what age your kids are. I understand what you mean though about not wanting to upset him so that it protects your kids. But i need to tell you something about that... You can try all you want but sometimes that signifigant other just doesn't think about things the way you are... It is very likely that your kids will go through dificult emotions anyway as long as you are there for them to talk with they will be able to get through it... But no matter what never apologize for your "husbands" actions. Always be there for your kids because they are the most important thing to take care of in this delicate situation.
I have been through (am still going through) a divorce my husband left us when my son was a month old. It is really hard and if you ever need to talk about it or vent or ask anything i am here my email is ____@____.com feel free to contact me anytime. Eventually things will get better just always keep your kids best interests in mind and there is always help out there ... There are a lot of different classes that you can check into about divorce and children that might help if you have a lawyer ask them about it or talk to the legal aide offices and they will give you some numbers. Take care D.

J.

D.,

I am very sorry you and your children are going through this right now. Seperation and divorce are never an easy path. Every feeling and thought you are having right now is normal.
When you say that he has left, did he just leave without having any kind of discussion with you, or have you both sat down and tried to talk about what to do now? Is a divorce surely in your future? Would he consider marriage counseling at all? If a divorce is truly going to happen, its going to be rough for awhile. The anger and pain will last for a long time. I have never been through a divorce myself, but I am currently standing side by side with my best friend through hers. In the beginning, she felt the same way you do. She just wanted everything to be okay, and back to normal. She held off saying what she really felt, and let him run the show in things. I do not suggest that. This man has up and walked out on not only you, but his 3 children. You need to do what is right by the children, and not worry about how it is going to make him feel, or react. When it comes to child support, let the courts decide what is fair. If that means he needs to get another job to pay for it, so be it. Also, if your husbands job does not offer health insurance for your children, I would ask for that as well. In some cases, the parent ordered to pay child support is also responsible for providing health insurance.

No matter what happens, I wish you and your family the best. Hang in there, and remember, the most important thing through it all is your children.

Deana, I live in Longwood as well. You shouldn't keep on the whole burden yourself. Try to make it as equal as possible so he stays in the childrens life. Of course you will need child support and alimony if possible. Try to keep the kids busy as much as possible. As a matter of fact Candyland Park is having a movie in the park tommorrow night they are showing the Grinch from Jim Carey. I think they will enjoy that as well as yourself.

D.

Sweetheart hang in there. Like so many have said what you are feeling is normal. When thinking about what to get in the divorce remember one thing. Your kids. It's not about hurting your ex it's about having what you need for your kids. If he thinks it's too much, then it's not enough. No one can determine what that amount is but you. Only you know what is needed to keep your kids safe happy and provided for.

As for the emotions and lonleyness. I have been a single mom for 9 years, for many years it was tough. I always felt alone and like no one cared. The one thing that turned my life around is God. I believe strongly in Prayer and what it has done in my life. When you feel like everything is falling in around you, pray. Hang in there and know you are not alone, and there is always a shoulder to lean on.

Best of luck
A.