Disrespecting in Laws

Updated on August 05, 2008
J.B. asks from Redlands, CA
4 answers

hi moms. my husband, 16mo daughter and i live with my in laws (hubbys parents). everday is such a power struggle over my daughter. we respect their house rules to the point that im not aloud to have my friends over becuase the house isnt a daycare (its rediculous). i am currently looking and applying for work to get the heck out of here (but the hiring is super slow). anyways his parents dont respect any type of rules that we have for our daughter (shes hitting that age of mad defiance lol). like for an example our daughter knows that the laptops are not toys and dont get touched but his parents let her push the buttons even when we are telling her "no" and "hands off". my daughter has a bottle (that is intended for a chemical but has never been used) that she likes to carry around and we let her and his dad took it away stating that she shouldnt play with that unless its been washed out thuroughly and i told him she wouldnt be playing with it if it have had any type of chemical in it! (its like hello!?!). his parents dont disapline our daughter for nothing even when shes doing things that she can get hurt with. like the baby was playing with the cord and started trying to plug it into the wall as im telling her no dont do that his mom just sits there (2 feet away) doing nothing! and i said hey can you get that and she doesnt move at all. so i then walk over take the cord and tell my daighter no and tap her hand firmly. his mom had the nerve to try to tell me that she was fine! im like no she doesnt need to play with cords and next time your asked to take something away from her like that you better do it. they try to say that they support our daughter when we buy her groceries and food every other week when my husband gets paid. i make sure she has enough food and supplise to last 2 1/2 weeks. his parents buy food and everything when we tell them not to that she doesnt need it. like his dad just bought diapers after i told him that we didnt need then because we just bought a box. and they have the nerve to say that they support her? and that they cant do it anymore... ummm ok dont i dont ask you to anyways. i know we need to move out so you dont have to tell me that but how do you handle things like this because im getting to the point that i cant be civil anymore towards them. please help!

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M.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

wow, sounds like you're in a very tough situation. how does your husband feel about everything? do the 2 of you see eye to eye? what is most important is that you and your husband have the same goals or end result for what you want your daughter to learn.

if it were me, i'd find activities for my and my daughter to do that keep us separated from the in laws for as many hours in the day as possible. you mentioned you're home with her all day, but are they home all day too? or do they work?

make plans or activities for you, your daughter (and your husband when he's not at work) to do. have play dates with other friends, go to the library or book store, park, local pool.

if you feel you can, sit down and talk with your in laws. make sure you and your husband let them know how grateful you are that they have let you stay with them. but that you have chosen to raise your daughter with certain rules. tell them that you can respect their rules and you would appreciate it if they would respect yours.

focus on getting that job and moving out. but who's going to watch your daughter? would it be better for you to change your current routines and be able to stay with her yourself rather than working and sending her to daycare? or have your in laws watch her?

talk with your husband and let him know that something needs to change. good luck!

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J.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

HI J.:
It sounds to me,as though you can't make up your mind what you want. On one hand, you sound as though you want them to stop butting in altogether but on the other hand,you get mad,when they don't disapline her.Its one or the other.You should have made it clear from the beginning."The care,and disapline of my daughter will be done strictly by her father or I" You mentioned one incident, where your mother in-law was sitting a few feet away, and you ask her to get up and go stop your daughter from playing with a cord? Why didn't you get up and stop her?You were obviously in eyes view. You threatened your MIL with "Next time I tell you to take something from her you better do it" OR WHAT? you'll move out in the street? You are living under their roof.While i'm quite certain you would rather be anywhere but there right now, Thats where you are.You can be certain,that they would rather have their home to theirselves as well.You need to relax,and make an attempt to keep the peace.Regardless,of how you feel about them, they are still your husbands parents. He loves them.He not only has to deal with the pressures of sharing quarters,with his family,but with the uncomfortable feeling of tention between you and them.If things continue the way they are,you could wind up divorced,before you ever get into your own home.Put a stop to the power struggle between them,and spend more time away from the house if you must.If you know, that you are going to be residing there for any length of time, I'd suggest a serious sit-down together, or counseling.The best to you and your family.

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E.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

You guys need to get out of that house and get on your own. This isn't healthy for you or your daughter.

You will struggle financially, we all do to some degree...but you need to make this a priority.

Lots of people do it, so can you.

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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

It sounds like they are supporting her, you and your hubby since you are living with them. Diapers are exspensive and it was a nice thing for him to do-it's not like she won't use them. He could have easily spent the money on himself. You should be grateful for what they do.

Make arangements to move into your own place as soon as you can. When you are staying with them you have little control over the situation. Until you leave, you have to be quiet and accept them for who they are. You are a guest in their home. If you want to set the rules, get your own place. since you are looking for a job, look for nights and weekends so your daughter doesn't have to be in daycare or with the in laws

It sounds to me also as if you are giving them mixed messages. Wanting them to but out but then step in for you if you are busy. Your MIL probably didn't step in for fear of making you mad. As far as the bottle, be glad he was concerned for her safety.

What does your hubby think of all this? Wouldn't your marraige be so much better in your own place? The relationship your daughter has will also improve if you all don't live together. For the sake of everyone you must be civil until your family can support themselves.

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