my husband moved out last week. we have not been getting along and he had canceled our appointment for marriage counseling. we have 2 small kids (4 and 1) and i know everyone says try counseling first. i have since told him i love him, i want this to work, i'm sorry for the things i said....he has said none of it. i asked him if divorce is what he wants and if so we should take the next step and he would say things like...that's why you kicked me out (i didn't), thats why you were getting a lawyer ( i did threaten this) and what is the next step. he nevers says yes i want divorce...always puts it back on me. anyhow he clearly doesn't want to take any responsibility in this or work at it. he also has said he doesn't want to talk money now but will help some. i feel like i have done eveything i can. moving on is my next step. without him offering a number that he can help myself and the kids with i am looking for another place. is this bad? will it look bad in the courts eyes should it go that far? i really can't afford this place and honestly don't want to live here...it is 8 houses away from his mom's house where he is staying. which btw he has seen the kids 1-to ask me to turn his phone back on. not called them or anything. i just want to make sure i am doing whats best for my kids and not shooting myself in the foot at all.
thanks
Smells just like a guy who already has another woman lined up. Get a lawyer immediately so he doesn't get a chance to hide all the money so he can live better with her while you struggle.
He wants a divorce. Give it to him. He's Mommies little loser.
.
You really need to talk with an attorney, if divorce is your goal, before you take any action.
It's only been a week since he moved out. It takes weeks and sometimes months for someone to get past the hurt created in an argument. You are both hurting and angry. It's important to not make important decisions this soon. You are critical because he's not provided money or a phone call. It's only been a week! Calm yourself down. I imagine you're scared stiff. I would be. If your husband has been financially supportive up until now, I'd assume he'll continue to be. He may just need time and it will work to your benefit if you give him that. Right now you're pushing him into a corner. Please back off. Take deep breaths. Make an appointment with the counselor.
I urge you to get started in counseling. You sound unsure of what you want and what is best for your children. Your husband is reacting in an immature way and you're wanting to make quick decisions. Bad combination! Please take time, get professional help, and accept that as painful as this is the only way you can move on is to take things slow and get helpful information about yourself and what you wan. You have to be able to provide for yourself and your children emotionally and financially.
I'm not surprised about his reaction and actions. It's only been a week. I'm not surprised that you want a quick resolution. You must know that a quick resolution is not possible. Both of you need distance from the fight that caused him to move out.
As to their father not seeing the children, perhaps he's in too much pain or too angry to face you. Perhaps you could suggest that you'd drop the kids off at his parents for an hour or twos visit when it's convenient for everyone. I imagine the grandparent's miss the kids too.
Do all you can to remain civil and eventually gracious to your husband and his family. It's natural for you to be exceedingly angry too. Counseling will help you learn how to manage your anger so that you can be constructive in your actions to take care of yourself and your children.
Divorce may be the answer but it's too soon to know. He canceled the counseling appointment in anger and it sounds like he canceled it because of things you said that were best left unsaid. You can't fix it in a week.
I urge you to make another appointment and go to it. In my opinion you have nothing to lose and something to gain by going at this in a slow and methodical way.
I want to repeat what Denise S. said as an explanation for your husband's attitude. "In his eyes, you've already called it quits, so why try?" No matter how many times you ask him what he wants, he's feeling too vulnerable to give you an answer. I've experienced this many times with friends after we've said things in anger. It takes time to rebuild the trust.
Later: I see that there is more to this story than you've told us with this post. Your last post, on Oct 26 said you packed his bags and told him to leave. No wonder he won't commit himself to anything. He's scared! He's hurt! Yes, you are too. And it sounds like this all started last year because of a fight within your extended family last Thanksgiving. Of course, the time of year has brought to the surface all those feelings.
I URGE you to get counseling. I hope it's not too late. You've been stewing over a circumstance that came to a head nearly a year ago. Your angry feelings have grown and multiplied. You have to deal with them before you can move on, no matter if you stay together or not. Go, run, get counseling NOW.
I also urge you to be honest with yourself and others. What has happened happened. You can't change it by talking about it in a different way. Face up to the problems. They're on both sides. Both of you have experienced a negative life at least for nearly a year. It will take time to heal the pain. Give yourself and him the time that it takes. Unless your marriage has been totally unhappy from the beginning, don't give up now. Deal with what happened last Thanksgiving. Learn how to express your feelings without anger. Learn how to work thru the issues together. You can do this in counseling.
If he moved out, he may responsible in the courts eyes to pay you child support (definitely), and possibly alimony...which would pay for keeping you in your current house. The courts frown upon taking children out of a house they are already residing in...especially if their father has already moved out. They already have a roof over their heads, why move now? Your husband will be responsible for part of that mortgage. Child support is specifically for food, clothing & SHELTER. You DO need to consult with an attorney as soon as possible to get the ball rolling. The longer you wait, the longer the child support/alimony process takes. And as another poster said, get yourself independent & on your feet...open your own, seperate bank account(s). Good luck to you!
I think it depends on how the housing situation is set right now. Do you have a mortgage? Would you be selling the house? Is it in both of your names? Is it a lease? What are the repercussions for getting out of the lease? Those are where more of your challenges are. The Court system doesn't really care if you decide to move, they just more care if you did it fairly if it is joint property. If you don't, then you could be require to cover the costs that he is "out" (i.e. financial gain from selling a house, loss on continued mortgage payments/rent payments, rental history issues/security deposit returns). So yea I think it depends more on how moving affects him. If he is not out anything, then they won't care, as long as he is able to still maintain contact with his kids.
I'm going to assume you are renting. Is there a lease with both your names on it? If so, you can't just both walk away. It sounds like he is acting pretty immature right now. One way or another, you guys are going to have to talk. Would he see a counselor for the purpose of having a discussion on next steps? If not, and you're in checkmate while he won't say he wants a divorce and you don't want a divorce, your state does have the option of legal separation. That means basically that you can see an attorney and have a court order support and visitation without changing your marital status. I'm so sorry he is acting like this - my goodness, he has 2 children, what is he thinking?
in his eyes you have already called it quits so why try. you have to do what you have to do to take care of your kids. as far as turning his phone back on that is his problem you are not his mom.
He can turn his own phone back on or get a new one. Yes move, you are being smart to get something affordable & away from prying eyes. You should get at least half if not 2/3 of his pay since he is living rent free. So don' t talk put it all in writing & mail it. & hand it to him. Put it back on him, jut like you are telling us. Tell him "I didn't kick you out, you left. You canceled our marriage counseling appointment, not me. I just wan to move forward preferably with you. Keep a copy & date it. Keep a journal of facts, things said & dates. Get a folder for all typed responses. Start separating yourself from him financially quick. Get different locks, cheap at Home Depot or Lowes, easy to do yourself. If you need help e-mail me I will be happy to help or listen I live in Hillsboro, OR. I am sure you don't have a lot of money for lawyers open the blue pages of the phone books & have a pad of paper & pen handy, start making calls & asking questions to get help.
Hope this helps.
Get a lawyer asap. When he says he "will help some", it sounds to me like he is trying to get out of paying you what you need and deserve to care for his and your children.
ok i don't see how you have been hard to get along with (as the previous poster said) - no one knows why you guys haven't been getting along. but, regardless of that ... you have apologized for what you said/did, you've told him you love him, you've told him you want to go to counseling, work on the marriage, etc. if he hasn't said those things in return then what exactly does he want? i would put him on the spot ONE last time. and tell him (again) that you love him, want to work on it, etc. the ball is in his court - what does he WANT? if he wants to work on it then ... hello? go to counseling. if not, then he does need to give you some support financially. he can't just move into his mommies house 8 houses away and have no bills and just leave you be to handle everything including the finances and kids on your own. depending on how he answered that question would help me decide if i was calling a lawyer or not. you can't just stay in limbo while he is deciding what he wants to do.
Call the local YWCA and see if they have a lawyer you can talk to. I went to a class/workshop at the YWCA in Colorado when I was getting a divorce from my 1st hubby. They had all of the forms and I filed myself. They gave us a 30 min. free consult and from there they guy was so nice, he even helped me with some of the other financial papers I needed (free of charge and beyond the 30 min.)
In NM there is something called La Casa that helps out women going through problems. Check around Portland for assistance. You can some free consults with lawyers through some of these programs.
Good luck to you.
D.
