If I'm not careful, my default mode is "Fixer". Someone gripes or groans and I rush in with an armful of (usually unsolicited) advice. I find that this attitude is, for me, accompanied by expectations galore; I'll listen BUT if I do, I want you to follow my agenda / be on my timeline.
Turns out people often times need to:
- Feel heard and understood
- Come up with their own solutions
Sometimes people are looking for suggestions (from me). That's pretty obvious because they'll ask, "What do you think I should do?".
Most of the time, I find that people who are complaining just want their hardships to be recognized, to feel not-alone, to be heard, and to process. I try to take a questions based approach, "How's that working for you? Is it worth it? What do you get from this? Is this something that you want to change? How do you feel when X happens? Do you want some help brainstorming solutions?" Or I'll practice reflective listening, "That sounds hard. / So, when X happened you felt X? / Yah, I hear that. You sound really upset."
Too, I *get* to have limitations. If you keep slamming a hammer into your hand and then want a ride to the emergency room when you break a finger, I get to say no. Sometimes I do tell my friends, "I love you. I know this is hard for you. I'm not able to give you the space and energy you need around this. I need to spend time with you where we don't visit this topic."
I complain sometimes. Usually about stuff outside of my control, "This weather really burns my toast. I'm absolutely not ready for it to get cold.".
Other times I complain about things that are a result of my choices.
Example: I am starting school, a custody battle, and my kids will be in kindergarten and childcare (respectively). I've begun a new career related volunteer position that comes along with a LOT of secondary trauma, a commute, and training. My husband works two jobs (both low pay and back breaking).
I'm so darned busy. And also, I wake up feeling excited about life. It's so cool AND I can't breathe. This schedule is hard AND I'm choosing it because it's worth it.
When I gripe, I'm just looking to Gripe. Not to be fixed. Just listened to.
I have a girlfriend who is in a very rigorous academic past. She gripes about it often. It's kicking her butt and she's wicked smart. She doesn't want to quit AND she's exhausted. That's cool. Both of those things gets to be true at once.