Does It Annoy You When...

Well, isn't that half this board? LOL! I think some people whine to strangers (they call it venting here on MP) and some people whine to their friends and family. Probably helps get through the day, I guess.

I'm laughing while I write this - hope you take it the way I offer it!

Smiles!
Dawn

I know what you mean, but just remember that although something seems like a no brainer to you, it may not be the same for others. Until we’re in that person’s shoes, we don’t know their reasoning of the situation and their alternatives.
One example would be someone in a bad marriage; I knew a lady that said her husband psychologically abused her, but when faced with the perspective of divorcing and having to find work and fend for herself at almost 60, she got scared and decided to stay with her husband. She has always been depended on others, so it must’ve been daunting to think about starting over.
Or perhaps a SAM that has never really worked outside her home before, if she leaves her husband does she have the means or education to support her children, does she have family support in the area, does she believe she can do it or has she been taught that she was meant to have kids and be by her partner’s side?
Anyway, that’s just my perspective; I try not to judge because I really don’t know what really goes on someone’s head or home, although I admit it’s hard sometimes.

My all-time favorites are the repeat offenders who shoot down every suggestion you ever make.

With certain people in my life I just repeat the phrase "that's terrible, I'm so sorry you're going through that."

My other favorite is when it's NEVER about you. It's always a one-way street of listening to a litany of complaints.

Ugh.

Nah, it's human nature, right?

Sometimes I even LIKE it, makes me feel better about my own choices!

:)

Yes, constant complaining or whining from an adult is a downer. And as a women who stuck out a horrible first marriage for 13 years before I really "got it" that I had to find a way to leave for my daughter's and my own emotional health, I can also attest to the difficulty of actually making a change – especially a big one that will have familial and finanacial repercussions.

I'm sure grateful for my girlfriend and a sister who very kindly received my anguished tales, each a version of the story they had witnessed for years. They both were wise enough not to lecture me on how to change. They both gave me the most helpful feedback when they said things like, "That must be intolerable. You are reaching the end of your rope, aren't you? What do you think you can do about it?"

I am NOT "the type who is not content to be discontented with circumstances." (Wow, how's that for a confusing set of double negatives?) I've been watching people closely for my whole sixty-some years, and nearly everybody (including me!) secretly believes other people do, or at least ought to, understand things the way they do. But we don't – we are vastly individual with very different personalities and inclinations. We approach similar problems in very different ways.

I had a conversation with a "friend" just yesterday who has several times expressed severe judgments against women who stay in abusive relationships. He was surprised when I shared with him how long I stuck out my first marriage, and my many "good" reasons for doing so, religious, cultural, familial, financial, and emotional. It had never occurred to him that it's not an easy choice for other people to change.

And yet, he's sticking out a job he detests, and drinks and games a lot to ease his form of emotional death. It doesn't look to me like his choice not to change his employment is all that different than my choice to remain in a marriage that I kept hoping would reap rewards eventually.

Did we both put ourselves intentionally into those situations? Yep. And did they turn out as we perhaps reasonably hoped or expected? Nope. I don't think many of us have access to a clear vision of how different choices will affect us in the long run.

What's there to do for it? Not a whole lot, I suspect, other than to keep learning as we go. We all do what we do until we can't do it any more, and the tipping point for each of us, in each situation, is unique.

No. People vent. It's a necessary tool for mental health. Have some compassion.
I gripe about my job, but, yes, I choose to work here. If given the opportunity, I probably wouldn't make a change. But, I have good days and bad days. There are ups and downs to every situation.

When I was pregnant, my back hurt so bad I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't change it.

The way I typically respond when someone is venintg is to just listen, with the occasional, I can only imagine, or, wow, or well...it won't always be this way, or something encouraging.

I think I'm guilty of both, griping about situations & being annoyed . : /

When someone starts to complain about something on going that they're not ready to change, I ask them if they want suggestions or do they just want to vent. When they say they just want to vent, I no longer feel annoyed. I can listen for awhile and I'm able to get out of the conversation when I've had enough.

The key is to take care of yourself first. If their talking about it annoys you, then tell them you don't have time to listen right now, or even that you're just not able to listen one more time. Say it nicely and leave so that what you say doesn't become another poor me story.

I hope my friends let me gripe and whine about decisions I've made as much as I've been gracious to them about decisions they have to live with and don't like. I just sit there and listen, no problem there. I can tune them out if I don't want to hear anything but at the same time smile and nod. Sometimes I have to pretend to be really interested in their problems for the 10th time, but for the sake of conversation and our friendship, I can do it.

It depends. Sometimes people need a good vent. Sometimes, even though people put themselves in that situation, they still need help and support. Sometimes people need to talk out loud to hear what they are saying - then it sinks in. They may not be able to make a different decision right then, but there is a slow progression of learning from their mistakes.

THEN, there are those people who make a string of horribly bad choices and wine about being a victim.

I'm not friends with those people. I can't take the life being sucked out of me. I look for people who are my "emotional equal" which means they, for the most part, attempt to take ownership for their life.

i had to end a friendship. i enjoyed eating lunch with her and shopping with her. i could not stand to hear her complain about problems she kept doing over and over. she would say she learned but she never changed.
it was draining and frustrating.

Yes, it does annoy me, but it also depends on the 'degree' of choice they may have. Sometimes, changing certain aspects of our lives is not a facile thing to do. Especially for moms, where we'd like to think that staying home or working are choices, but sometimes, they aren't.

I love the response of "Hmmm..." for the ritual complainers. It's an acknowledgment without condoning or consoling. Just "Hmmm..." as in "well, well" or "so what are you going to do about that?" or however you mean it in your own head. And they'll interpret in whatever way they need to as well.

I will say one thing: sometimes good change only comes after someone hits the wall or is so miserable they do something about their circumstances. I can tell you--you probably didn't want to hang out with me in my twenties.:) I sucked, and I probably sucked up a lot of energy in the process. It took a lot of "life sucks" to get me into a better situation, get help (therapy), deal with my very damaging family, dump my ex-husband and to move forward. So when someone is really driving me nuts but obviously doesn't want to change their situation, I have the empathy to understand how stuck they are and the good sense to limit my future interactions and not 'cultivate' that aspect of our relationship. Or, to just not pursue the relationship any further. People who are stuck in their own mire may not have the capacity to have healthy, reciprocal friendships. You sometimes just have to let unhappy people be unhappy. No one can fix it but them.

I have a friend who is divorced because she didn't want to remain faithful to her husband. They tried to have an "open" marriage, but that didn't work, so they divorced. Whatever, it happens. Well, now she is back in the dating world sleeping with anything that moves, and she is surprised (continually) that these men don't seem to respect her. Sigh... All of this wouldn't annoy me except that every time I talk to her, it is all about why guy X hasn't called her, or why guy Y only calls when another girl backs out of a date at the last minute. I just want to scream, "WHY DO YOU *THINK* THEY'RE DOING THIS?! BECAUSE YOU *LET* THEM!!!" Ugh! But I never say that. I always say, "That's too bad. Why do you think he did that?" and then listen to her make excuses for the guys' bad behavior. I don't know, maybe I'm enabling her. But I don't think she really wants to hear what I have to say. :( It has made me more conscious of not doing stuff like that myself, though. Or at least, trying not to.

Yes! I get annoyed when a friend is 'always' broke but eats out at restaurants every weekend :( I understand if someone his having hard times but after 20 years it gets old!

I think there are two kinds of people in the world: reactive and proactive.
Reactive people drive me crazy!
Proactive people take a "bad" situation and DO something about it!

To me this is a whining question(s)...why do you stay friends with them? Seems you'd want to make the change to find new friends as you suggest in your note.

I'm curious, I don't be to be completely disrespectful...there is sarcasm in here but I'm curious, if you don't like complainers then why be friends with them?

ETA: I have these whiner friends...I can be one of these whiner friends...that's what friends are for...at least to me...to be there in good times and bad.

ETA x2: I have had to remove individuals from my life with toxic issues...and I have no problem doing so with family or friends. I do believe that sometimes there are lines and when that line is crossed I'm done. As in my A./cousin...they threatened my life and my children (because I no longer enabled their behavior)...done, their gone out of my life...it's been the best 11 months!

YES! I completely understand! I get frustrated with one particular person who constantly gripes about not having a job and isn't willing to put aside their pride and get a different job where they would actually make some money and have benefits etc. They insist on doing EVERYTHING the hard way and are content with being broke, unhappy and negative.

The way I handle it is to say with love, when you are ready to do something different and change your life, I am here to support you. Until then, I really don't want to hear anything more about it if its negative.

Some venting is fine. Them asking for suggestions is fine, But the constant whining, complaining and them not changing.. I can only take so much..

I have dropped some of them because they just seem to wallow in their misery and will not make a move to change..

They need to either change, accept or get the hell out of their situations.. I cannot save them if they will not make a move.

People that know me never bring self inflected issues to my attention. Ya know how people say she wouldn't say that to my face, I would, I do.

I try to word it as nicely as possible but I cannot enable. When a friend brings and issue to me I point out options, I try to help them weigh their options but telling them stay or run, I will not do.

I really don't get a lot of people bringing issues to me where they want to continue. In my experience people that want to continue their behavior want someone who will enable. They want to speak to someone who says it is your life, your choice. Although that is a true statement it is also a cop out.

I tend to attract those that want to make a change.

Some people vent.
Some people complain.
Some are chronic.
Some are not.
Venting and complaining to me, are 2 different things.

Per "toxic" situations, well that is a whole other story.

I have to admit, it annoys me when my friends gripe about being home with their kids ALL DAY and people who work just don't get what it's like to not have a break from kids. The friends that know I long to be home with my own child... That does get under my skin and makes me feel sad if I'm being honest. Besides, I don't get a break from kids. I wake up with mine, spend the day with other peoples', then spend the whole night with my own. So, I do get it. Haha.

No, it doesn't annoy me. Everyone has a right to get down on themselves, whether their situation is a result of their own actions or not. Just because you either knowingly or unknowingly chose something does not mean you never have a right to complain about it.

What annoys me is when people take THAT attitude.

I can see how it could cause an eye-roll if someone is always complaining about something that they CAN change, but choose not to. However, as an outsider looking in, I always remember that I don't know everything about what a person is having to deal with, and some people truly are stuck. I just say a prayer for them and hope that they are able to see a way to be happy.

Not sure what the point of this post is...

Oh my gosh yes. I got sooo upset at a friend who got pregnant twice, unplanned, with her boyfriend after I spent years with my husband trying to get pregnant and she whined about it while I wanted to scream. She was angry, did have the baby (ies) and I couldn't have anymore.
Next I get mad at a few people who have babies, then stay with abusive nasty men or marry them because they had the babies and think they will 'change' the guy or benefit from it financially ( Iknow that is not true with so many, I am only discussing the ones I know who have done it) . And I sadly even felt very sad when my sister, who clearly has a nasty husband got pregnant for the second time after talking about leaving him for over four years. She however lost the baby and that made me sad, too.
Sometimes people really do keep making the wrong choices over and over again and some learn. Let's hope more learn after this post.

i hear ya. i have a very hard time just being a Giant Ear for someone who wants to whine. that is NOT the same as being there for someone who needs to vent, and someone who is there for me to do so also. but i just have no patience for the terminally aggrieved, the ones who won't make any positive changes but are endlessly complaining that their lives stay stuck in suck.
khairete
S.

I find out if they want to vent or if they want advice. If they want advice, I give it and watch how they handle it. They don't have to do what I say, but I have to see some effort if I am to be invested at all. I tell them this.

I typically have little to no tolerance for listening to complaints about something that they're not willing to change. If it's just a vent, it's got to be kept to a minimum. I tell them this.

The key to my peace in this is to find out what they're looking for. I have to be a friend to my friends and not keep it only on my terms, so that's our compromise. My friends know this about me, and I have been dubbed the "tough love friend" because I pull no punches.