Problems with My Own Mother

You give her basic info about the kids.
Detach yourself from needing support from her.
If you need an ear call your dad.

Remember- the relationship will only upset you as much as you allow it.
Take control of yourself and remove your expectations of her.
It's normal to want your mother to care and to be concerned and supportive. I understand very well how that goes.

You don't have to cut her off. Just change your expectations.

Best wishes-

You answered your own question - YES, STOP telling her what's going on in your life and YES, STOP talking to her (at least stop telling her personal or important stuff)!!! You do not need a mother who criticizes!!! That is what my mother did and I moved several states away from her. You have th epower to put a stop to this by stop talking to her. Start talking to a close friend instead of your mother. Sorry!

Of course I don't know the back story but there is a possibility that you and your mom are experiencing the "adult daughter - mother syndrome". I have done this with my mom ...and with my adult daughter. Sometimes when we share our problems with mom, they have a mother's instinct to try to solve it, even if you're just venting and not looking for them to solve it. And the reaction to mom trying to solve it is a feeling that you're being criticized by mom, when they aren't really trying to be critical. So if you think of the conversation before it turned into an argument, try to picture it as 2 friends talking. One is saying oh, I'm having this problem with my daughter, the other says have you tried such and such?, you respond no, but I don't think that would work with her because..and, anyway, conversation goes on, every body states their opinions (knowing that you can discount the other friend's opinion entirely if you so desire) and there are no hard feelings. Same conversation between mother and daughter (and I have been on both the daughter side and the mother side) is somehow irritating and the mother can keep trying one solution after another solution after another solution so the "Am I being criticized?" feeling grows and then it turns to argument phase. If this sounds at all familiar, then just have a talk with your mom. I have learned to bite through my tongue with my daughter...and LOL, I bite through my tongue with my mother, too, because she's too old to change. But watching my interactions with my mother really helped me figure out how I was annoying my daughter! So again, without knowing the back story, I say give her another chance and talk to her about how you want to communicate adult to adult.

I wonder...
It seems to me, that when we are talking to other people, just sharing and maybe venting or complaining, even though we are not asking for advice (at least not in OUR minds)... what we end up doing is inviting the other person to make suggestions to improve our situations. Sort of like men vs. women. Women talk just to talk... that is how we work through things... we talk about them to other women. We don't expect a solution from the listeners, just for them to hear us as WE work it out for ourselves. To try to talk to a man in the same exact scenario... they feel the need to FIX it for us. They CAN'T listen just to listen. They don't understand that what we NEED from them isn't the solution, but a sounding board. But, if we don't take the advice given or the solution offered, then the listener becomes angry or offended...because WHY did we go through all that talking if we weren't going to follow their suggestion?

It sounds like your mom has a man-brain.

Can you preface your conversations with her (about the confrontational issues) with something letting her know that you aren't looking for suggestions to change anything... just sharing your lives with her?

I think the solution is to talk to girl friends about your problems and talk to your mom about other things. She just is not able to be the mom you want her to be and she probably will not change at this point. I have started doing this as well bc my mom was being so critical. Now I have pulled back a bit and I don't expect her to be a good friend. I save my real gripes for my good friends and I keep it more "light" when talking to mom. It's very hurtful, and I've gone through a stage of mourning for the mom I will never have. But now I have accepted that this is the way it is. I read in a book to write down all the things you want in your ideal mother...make a list. Then take the time to grieve that this is not what your mom is like. Really feel your feelings and when you are done throw away that list. Then make a list of the good points your mom really does have and focus on those. These are the things you can have with your mom. The other list, your ideal mother list, is just not who she is. Let it go. Try to not expect those things from her ever again.

Just something to share....I was very, very close to my grandmother. My mom was an only child and did EVERYTHING she could ever do to love, help and please her mother. To this day (my mom is 74 and her mom is long gone) she feels like she could never please her own mother. (Except for O. time that she sewed special valances for her mom that she LOVED! That's sad--only O. example of feeling like she REALLY pleased her.)

But the thing is--with ME, my grandmother had nothing but praise for my mom. What a hard worker, how talented she was, etc.

So....lesson learned..we know to tell our kids how proud we are and how much we love them AND maybe your mom feels her comments are more about how she perceives your life would be easier, nicer, etc...if you didn't homeschool, etc. Maybe it's not that she doesn't approve, maybe she thinks you're making it harder for yourself (not saying you are--just what she might think).

of course you don't want to take your mom away from your kids, or them from her. i suggest if you need a bff, call dad. otherwise, deal with mom on a need-to basis. if she's interested, she'll ask. and there's always the "I LOVE YOU MOM!!" line. if she starts offering unsolicited advice. i would just not respond at all, no "mm-hmm's" or "yeahs..." just shut up completely. and when she's done just say, "i love you mom!" and change the subject. lol!

Talk to her less than you do. Don't tell her everything, find another person to listen. I had similar issues with my mom but hers was being jealous of my life and insecure and negative. I couldnt' handle the negativity anymore and I would cringe when the phone rang. she was a great grandmother to my first born then when my second came along, she was too involved with her own life and didn't pay her much attn. she spoiled my sis' son rotten and gave him everything even though it was obvious she was not fair to my kids. Long story short, I found that I was less stressed without her in my life. We got in an argument when I told her how I felt and did not talk for almost a year. Two years later we still do not speak but she calls to see my kids about 2-3 times a year. She lives 30 mins away....nice huh? anyway, it stinks but my kids see her and I don't have to deal with her. But your father is still with her which makes it hard on you. If I were you, I would keep the relationship, just talk to her less and don't tell her things that would make her say bad things. When she does, make an excuse to get off of the phone. I find my life is a lot less stressful without negativity. Good luck

Enjoy the good things about your mom: how she loves your girls, buys things for them and is willing to visit you. Then accept the fact that she's not the person to share your heart with.

My mom loves to chat with me, she is really for me. But she has a hard time hearing if things aren't going well. So I have to pick and choose what I share with her. She was also a public school teacher and was not thrilled that I homeschooled my kids. I knew the tide had turned when I found out she'd bragged to a friend about how smart my kids were because they were homeschooled. It only took her about 10 years to notice!

So things can change, including the relationship we have with our moms. But I hope you can make the most of what you do have with yours and find friends to fill the needs your mom can't meet.

You may have to accept the fact that your mom can give to the kids but not to you. I would lean on your father or other friends for support and not tell her things that will set her off. If she says anything about how you don't talk to her anymore, I'd calmly but firmly say that you aren't going to because she is negative, critical and doesn't seem interested. End of discussion.

As your children get older, you may explain that they can still love their grandma but not take her criticism to heart/that Grandma understand homeschooling, but that Grandpa would love to hear about what she did at the pond that day. And you can always continue to evaluate the relationship and set up boundaries with her if her critical behavior harms them or she starts to bad mouth you in front of your kids. She can only visit or skype if you allow it. I wouldn't even let the gifts be a factor. Gifts are nice, but not if the giver is mean toward you later.

Sit down and talk to her. Perhaps she may have some truth to her actions. You may not realize you are doing things unusual and maybe she just wants to help. Don't take offense at everything, I'm sure she is only wanting to help, whether it comes off that way or not. Maybe she has something good to say if you wouldn't be on the offense and actually listen to what she has to say. You can only change her, by YOU changing first.