Overbearing Mom, Grandmother

There's a great book called "Boundaries" by Henry Clound & John Townsend. I highly recommend it. It will teach you to set healthy boundaries with people.

I suggest that the two of you are using language that pushes each others buttons. You could start by being sure that every statement you make is an I statement. For example, when you say such and such, I feel like you're saying I'm not a good mother.

Learn how to use "non violent" communication. They have a web site that will get you started. The use of the word violent is not referring to physical violence. It's helping us to change the way we word things so that the other person is able to more easily hear what we are saying. Non-violent communication enables people to listen and accept what each other says without feeling so defensive about it.

My daughter and I went thru a similar situation. Never did I mean to imply that she wasn't a good mother. I didn't even intend for her to always use my suggestions. I just wanted to give her information. She heard them as "you have to do this if you're going to be a good mother." My daughter heard my words as "order"s or as something she had to do. I did not intend them that way.

Also, when I was taking care of the baby, I did do a few things differently than she did. I felt like she was telling me I had to do everything in the same way she did them. Turned out she did want me to do everything the same way she did them. It took her quite awhile to learn to trust me enough that she wasn't always second guessing what I was doing.

Took me awhile to keep my suggestions and opinions to myself. I eventually learned to only say something when she asked for my opinion. As time went by, with me being quiet, she asked me more questions.

We also developed a way to talk with each other that included her telling me that she just wanted to vent and did not want me to try to fix anything. When I forget and start in making suggestions she tells me, "mom, I'm venting now." or even just the two words., "stop Mom."

I suggest that you and your mother find a time when you're both relaxed and talk with each other about how each of you feels. Start with reading about and trying a new way of wording your sentences. If either of you starts to get angry, stop the conversation, after agreeing to come back to it later when you're more calm. Arguments rarely, if ever, find a solution.

Perhaps start with just one topic. For example if the two of you disagree about how to hold the baby while bottle feeding, that's a good one to talk about. Each of you consciously and thoughtfully consider the other one's
view. It may take more than one conversation but eventually you'll arrive at an agreement.

You'll find that once the two of you find a way to respect the other one and is able to word sentences so that they do not sound judgmental you'll be arguing less and your mother will need to make less comments.

My daughter and I started with the spoken agreement, that she is the mother, and I would only make suggestions when she asked for them. This wasn't easy for me at first. I'm a fixer by nature and I love my daughter and wanted to make life easier for her. I knew she had to learn much of what I already knew thru doing it herself. I had to let go of my need to be helpful by giving suggestions.

I also had to remember that times have changed and so have the theories about baby care.

Over a few months my daughter and I worked out a way of talking with each other. First by not talking and then by using neutral words and sentences.

Doing this required that I not be so sensitive to her saying, you're not the mother. I'm the mother and I know best. It felt to me like she was saying I didn't know anything and even had no standing as a grandmother. Eventually she was able to hand me the baby and say, "do your grandmother thing." lol Our relationship was much better after that.

Both the mother and the grandmother have a role in baby's life. Having one role doesn't take over the other role. Having clear boundaries between the two helps tremendously.

If you have difficulty getting started with more helpful communication, consider a few sessions either by yourself or with your mother to learn positive communication skills.

I reread your question after reading S.H. response. Your mother could be acting as a bully, actually telling you what to do. Has she been this way all of your life? If so you have a different problem then the one I had with my daughter.

You need to establish better boundaries. Using non-violent language and finding a way to feel respect for your mother will help tremendously.

You are the mother! But don't use those words with your mother. I can tell you they're fighting words because they don't acknowledge that she is the grandmother. Your mother may be fighting to find a place in the family now that she's no longer the mother. You can say, "you're the grandmother and I'm the mother. I know it's difficult to find a place in our family with a different role."

Then the two of you gradually work out the roles. If you try to "lay down the law" in one conversation you become a bully too. The first step is to work developing a trust between the two of you. It might help if you tell her specifically what it is you'd like her to do. Elicit an agreement from her to not make comments about anything else. And you also don't make comments about how she does what you've asked her to do while she's doing it. If afterward, you find that it didn't work the way she did it, sit down over a cupa and calmly talk about it.

This will take time and you may need to get professional help to bolster your own confidence and skills. It probably would help if your mother would go with you. Tell her the purpose is to help both of you communicate better. If you're telling her what she's doing wrong and she is telling you what you're doing wrong you have to get past that level of communication.

You are the mother. You do have the right to do whatever you want in your house and expect your mother to follow your rules. Often, daughters and mothers have difficulty changing to their grown up roles. Talk about this with your mother and find ways to give or reinforce her role as a grandmother. Praise her when she does things that you like, even if you have to reach some for them. Especially praise her for coming over and helping. In some ways, getting along with adults uses the same skills getting along with kids take, using adult tone of voice and language.

Kid skills and arguing work with adults. Never argue. Arguing rarely if ever gets a solution. Once an argument is eminent, stop talking and walk away. Your mother will probably want to keep on talking but you don't respond at all except to possibly repeat, we'll talk about this later.

You may have to forgo her help if the two of you aren't able to agree upon boundaries but it may be worth it to learn new ways of relating to your mother. Mother/daughter relationships are very complicated and fraught with traps. The more you understand them the more you'll be able to be the adult daughter even tho she may remain your mother in her eyes.

With all due respect to the good grandmothers out there (my MIL is one), denying the fact that there are toxic grandmothers, is a diservice to everyone. Yes, you deserve respect. Yes, you often must give respect to get it. However, sometimes you can give respect without getting a darn thing back for your trouble. I agree that perhaps the best thing you can do is hire some help for the time being. I had my mom help when I was pregnant with my second (had really bad morning sickness) and hired help when I was pregnant with 3rd. The hired help went so much more smoothly because she actually did/ cared what I said without the added mama drama. Check with your church, on craigslist, with neighbors to see if anyone can give you a hand. (obviously need to research carefully.)
There are tons of books out there discussing the mom-adult kid relationships. (like you have time to read with twins!) If Mom asks why you're going this route, be frank and say that you're under enough stress with the kids, you don't have the energy to fight with her, too. If this sparks a discussion to remedy the problem, super. Then go back to what the other ladies have discussed. If this just makes her defensive/ angry/ aggressive, well, then... you need to carve out some time to read some of those mama books! ;-)
Hope this helps.
:-)

I am in a similar situation. In my case, I think it is a control issue. She wants me to do everything her way and if I don't she complains. On top of that, she complains to other family members (sisters, brothers, aunts) about how I and my husband do things. I also let a lot of things go to avoid confrontation and worry about my kids picking up on the tension. I have found that the best solution is to limit our time together. This hurts me because my kids love her to death. It also cuts down the time my dad spends with them who they also adore and who I have no problems with. I have asked her several times what is wrong but she insists everything is fine. If you want to get to the root you are just going to have to flat out ask her what it is that you do that bothers her so much. Ask for specifics. Chances are, you are not the problem but you, like I are the one who will take it and that's why we get it. I wish you all the luck.

I wish that I could write as eloquently as Marda did...she said EXACTLY what I wanted to say about this situation!!! Reread her advice and just pretend that I said that same things!!! (lol)
I can tell you from my experience of being a Grandma that it takes a little bit of give and take on everyones' part for things to run smoothly. My oldest daughter has a completely different approach to child rearing that I had with her and her siblings. Some of their ideas were , shall I say, amusing , when they first told me how they wanted to do things. But, my daughter had obviously done a LOT of research and she knew WHY she wanted to do things the way she wanted to do them, so I respected her decisions and her love for her child. I remembered how I resented my own Mother for trying to tell me how to raise my children.
I agree with Marda that you need to sit down and talk with your Mother, not when you are in the middle of a disagreement but when the two of you are relaxed and in a good mood. Try to find a time that the two of you can talk without the children with you, so there are no distractions and no reasons for disagreement about how to handle the children.

Okay, first things first. You need to talk to her and see what the problem is. Maybe she feels as if she is no longer "needed". It's a hard thing when our parents are no longer the parents. You need to have an open line of communication about that. She is probably feeling like you don't give one wit about any of the experience she may have. We, as a society, most definitely not revere our older generation and what they might have to offer. In other cultures the older generation were wise and had counsel for us to admonish. Our parents don't look like our grandparents so sometimes we forget to treat them as such.
If there is a problem with which how you and your husband have wanted to raise them and it differs than your mothers idea, then you need to explain it to her. There really doesn't need to be confrontation, but you do need to get to the bottom of her feelings.
Hope this is helpful.

If I'm tired, the last thing I want to do is argue with whoever is 'helping' me. So I would find some more agreeable help. Find a teenager who is willing to be a Mommy's helper. Back off on Grandma visits and if she asks why, tell her you are tired of fighting, and fewer visits fixes it as far as you are concerned. You are the Mama now. You get to arrange things to your liking. If Grandma does not like it, she can learn to be a bit more accommodating or she can find someone else to fight with.

I love my mother to death but the BEST thing she ever did for our relationship was moving to Vegas when I was pregnant with my second child. I was a bit resentful at the time but now I am so grateful. I think it's the only ting that saved our relationship. She knew that she would be doing exactly what your mother is doing. Now she can talk to the kids on the phone and breeze into town every so often and my kids do not love her any less for it! I would NOT be able to handle the "help" you are receiving. Maybe you should start doing things on your own and show her that you can handle it. Perhaps because you are asking for help and then arguing with her over it, she feels that you can't handle it (but would never say that) Show her how strong you are.

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I find there is always conflict of some sort with my mom and my MIL. I try to just take a laid back attitude and just let it roll. It usually isn't worth the stress and tension to deal with it.

However, perhaps a friendly chat to see how she's feeling and to remind her you are an adult and capable and she needs to let you do it your way.

Possibly, let her spend alone time with the kids so you aren't both there mothering at the same time.

Good luck :)

Unfortunately by her being so involved with your life she feels she has the right to say and do what she is. It might be wise for you to seek help from others than your family members. It could save you relationships in the long run. Not sure you could have both if she doesn't respect your way of parenting.
It's not a healthy relationship and it's just one sided if only one person gets to be right all the time.
Best Regards,
C.

Gr-moms tend to feel useless once their birds fly from the nest. They have all this expertise and no one seems to respect it! I finally learned --every mom has to do it her own way and put mental tape over my mouth. I recall thinking (before being a mom), 'when I grow up, I'll never do that to my children'. Now (as a Gr-Ma) I think, "I didn't do that to my children did I?" which is possibly where your mom is coming from.

Perhaps find a neighborhood teen who could be a mother's helper who could relieve you (an hopefully take your direction w/o comment) during afternoons (or all day -- still summer). Ease out your mom. When she notices explain you thought you were tiring her out (since you were arguing so often) and didn't want to impose on her relax-time (rest of her life). If she dosen't get the message a little heart-to-heart talk will have to occur...

Our babies are young ONCE... It is hard work and physically tiring in the beginning but sadly over very quickly. This is the cutest time (of course, or you wouldn't be willing to invest you life 24/7) and it would be nice to enjoy them when possible.l... (and you would like you mom to enjoy them too).

One of the best parts about being a gr-mom is delighting my gr-kids growth and progress which is up to them actually... (plus, I get to spoil them -- mostly with mom's permission). We just do the serious business of making the enviornment clean and safe so this can happen. I hope you can help her ease up and enjoy them along with you... It is nice to have someone whose 'been there, done that' support you and help you laugh when things go wrong.

Hello, I am a mother/grandmother and it is not okay for your mother to tell you how to raise you children. Perhaps you should tell her that you love her and miss the relationship you used to have. Therefore, you will not have her coming over to help with the kids anymore. Explain that how you raise your kids is yours and your husband's decision and nobody else's. If she continues to give suggestions you might just say, "Thanks, Mom, I'll think about that." Then just do what you think is best for your children. She may be feeling like she has nothing important in her life right now. Maybe she could just pick up the kids for a couple of hours a week while you do what you need to do without her help.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I don't know how old your mom is, but as women get older (ah ehehem-like me for instance) weird stuff happens to our bodies and we can't even explain it. We are tired, edgy, hot sweats, flashes take over and no one ever explained this can happen to us. So we don't know how to talk about it. I believe you are an excellent mom and I think she probably knows it too but funny things are going on. Our bodies are drooping and getting more tired, we feel ugly, unattractive when we were young hot things once who had sex and babies and we raised our kids and think we did good and want to give tips and advice and it's only because we remember when we screwed up - so now we think we can help. NOT. Because we are not the moms of your kids. Your mom loves you, this I am sure of and is probably not trying to insult you. If she is and you are sure of it, then don't have her over. But if she is giving tips and they sound critical, then without hubby around, tell her so. Let her know that perhaps you just want her to visit, not to do much. Because that is all some of us need. and sadly maybe she needs a little attention and is not getting it and is going incredibly crazy thinking her help would make a difference in someone's life. It's like only now I can explain over and over to my kids who are older, not married yet, but I say in a lot of cases I am only trying to prevent them from hurting. But we all learn on our own. So in a gentle way you can tell mom to butt out but let her know how much you love her.

It sounds like there is a dynamic going on here that you need to step back and see in order to decide what to do. On one hand, you are admitting to being tired and people that are tired don't always see or accept advice from others. You are putting it all on her and not recognizing that you may be taking some of what she says the wrong way. And yet, I also hear you saying that you want respect now because you are a mom too. But being a mom doesn't automatically give you the wisdom that your mother could or at least should have by virtue of the experiences she had raising you.

In addition, you are needing help. She is likely feeling like because you need help, you must also need her advice because you just can't keep up. She may feel that if you were able to do things differently or somehow better that you wouldn't be reaching out for help. Did she have or get this kind of help from her family when she was young? I can tell you that there were a lot of years where I was totally on my own through thick and thin, sleepless nights, and I had ZERO help from anyone, even my husband. He was alwasy so certain that his job was 10 times harder than mine and he pushed all the family responsibility and chores onto me without even a thought to how hard I had to push myself. Fast forward all these years... Now I still do a lot, too much really, and I am in PAIN all the time. And yet I also help my daughter. From time to time we disagree about something when it comes to her sons care. We do respect each other and I don't feel that either of us is upset by any little disagreements we each have. But it wouldn't surprise me if some days my daughter told her friends that she is glad she's not paying me because if she was... fill in the blank...maybe she would feel more like she could tell me exactly what to do.

It really comes down to the fact that respect is give and take and she needs a little more respect due to the fact that she's helping you. What are you doing in return for her? If she doesn't need any help from you, maybe at least you could give her the respect of listening to her and taking at least some of her advice.

How old are your kids?
How old is your Mom?
Some elderly... get more 'controlling' the older they get because they know they are getting 'old.' So they think asserting themselves, makes them 'strong'.

Next, yes, you are the Mom.
If your Mom gets really bad.... then don't invite her over.
It is your house.
How does your Husband feel about it all?
She can't boss him around either.

Or, do you think your Mom is experiencing aging? And the deterioration of her faculties? If so, talk to her about it... she should see her Doctor.

You say other people notice her behavior too. So, you are not the only one. OTHERS notice her behavior too.... and its inappropriateness. So....

And yes, since you don't want your kids to be influence by her... then it is your job, to explain to your kids... about WHO is their "parent'... and that not everyone knows how to behave, even if they are an adult. Teach them how to discern.... negative or good behavior in anyone. And what 'respect' is. YOU need to teach them that. Not just let them be a spectator to your Mom's behavior and mistreatment, of you. You have to teach them.... and advocate for your children.... on how people are treated or not. And that yes, even if they are a Grandparent, it does NOT mean that they are perfect. But that they need to also learn how to SPEAK UP when there is wrong-doing... and what to do, when someone "bullies" them... because, in adult terms... your Mom, is a "Bully"... and you need to, by example/role modeling... 'show' your kids... what is right and wrong... no matter who it is.

One of my siblings is like your Mom. A Bully. I taught my kids all about it. And what to do if someone is like that to them.

Next, a child or an adult does not have to 'like' someone just because they are related. They need to learn boundaries as well. Not about how mistreatment is 'okay' just because someone is a relative..... and as they get older, they, with you teaching them... will learn about nuances in how to be 'polite' but not that they have to agree with the person. But that everyone can speak up.... and not be a victim.
If your kids grow up not liking her... then that is fine. You cannot FORCE a child/a person to 'like' someone.... especially, if they are not treated nicely nor respectfully.

Next, why don't you just ask your Mom, what is wrong? Or why she is so mean to you????

all the best,
Susan

You seem to be on the defensive all the time with your M. and she knows that you will just back down, get calm and she wins. You have to be confident that you ARE the M. and also be mindful, that YOUR M. IS also a M., so it's a matter of compromising, respecting and giving each other the chance to voice what they think is best, but leave the final decision up to you. If you fight back with a stubborn person, and you are the one to back down to avoid conflict, she will overpower you and make you seem weak. To combat that, simply let her voice her views, don't argue with her, listen and then do what you know is right for your kids without the fight. . The most she can do is get upset saying you think you know everything, but she can't say you didn't listen or disrespected her. When she questions what you did, then calmly let her know why you do it. Most times if they have an explanation as to your reasoning for doing stuff, then they will not fight so much. Their reasoning and yours might be different. Ex. She might think you should put on a coat before the kids go outside, and you might be thinking the kids don't need to put a coat on because they already have on enough clothing and could overheat. Realize you BOTH care for those kids, just differently.

Congradulations on the twins!
I have a set of 21/2yo twins that live next door and the greatest thing about my day is when they call over the fence NanaGenda can we come play in your yd?
I am the mother of 5 and the grandmother of several. I have personally seen this experiance many times. I guess I am blessed with the greatest of adults for children becaseu it seems they are the ones bossing me around and put up with all that I dish back out. When one grandchild was born 3 weeks ago( his mom has a twin sister) I was front and center to take care of the other children and had been cooking for weeks and freezing meals forthem. They all understand that is just wht I do-- I am still the mother with the rewards of Grandmother hood. I would like to suggest what my girls(both daughters and daughters inlaw) have done - so I don't go over the top and take over. They let me take care of things like meals, cleaning and dishes, and shopping and they take care of baby . With 2 YOU HAVE TO BE EXHUSTED-- See if she will let you nap and then watch the babies-- becasue the chances of both sleeping the same time is rare. Set up some lists of what you really do need and just let her know that you understand that she loves the children and you but she can't make up for the lost things she didn't do with you through them, and she did the best she could do . I have several friends that tried to make up for lost time when the baby was born-- such a bad idea. I learned from my MIL when mine were young, that her family didn't help so she didn't much either-- maybe her actions are what she had as experiances as a young mom? Maybe its knowing that she is older that is getting toher or the fact you just don't have time anymore to agree with her! I have to tell you that you are the parent and no matter what she thinks you get the last word and unless she is supporting you 100% she is an advisor now not the leader. You, will get more rest by the time they are 3 but until then find someone tru the twin clubs that can give advice, or help. They will be a great help for you in many situations. Then you are not letting your mom be the only one you rely on and takes the power from her. This is her time to kiss and hug the babies not to train you what to do when you are getting things like dirty diapers and crying in stero... God Bless You, and thanks for reminding me to be kinder to my own children and to appreciate all the love from my grandchildren for the example it is of mine to set for them.

You just have to be blunt and basically tell her flat out. I live with my mother in law and she seems to think she can do whatever with my 3 year old with out permission and thats a big heck no with me.
what you should do is have her come over early while the babies are asleep and say these are my ground rules for when your at my home. you can do this with the babies. when i need advice ill ask and please dont put me and my husband down. if you can not accept these rules for while your here then you wont be coming over for more then a short visit. i am telling you this because i feel our relationship is being stressed and i need room to learn and parent without feeling like im always wrong. i appreciate your help you give me and i want our time to be special together.
hopefully that will work.

I wouldn't accept her "help." It is costing you far too much. Brainstorm with your husband and try to find an alternate source of help.

If it's not one thing it's your mother!!! Tell her that she can't come over until she stops micromanaging and being rude to you. Cut her off! Sometmes people need to be put in place. Give yourself a break from seeing her and if she asks be honest and tell her that you are not liking her very much, lately. Give her a time out, LOLS!

If possible, I would stop having your mom come over to help on a regular basis. If that isn't possible, I'd tell her that you really appreciate her help but that sometimes you will have to "agree to disagree" and leave it at that. :-)