Does This Sound like PTSD?

Feeling anxious about having a conversation you think might end in a fight, is normal. It is definitely NOT PTSD.

I suffered from PTSD from being the victim of domestic violence. Once I got out of the relationship, for about 5 years, ANY time I heard a man raise his voice, even if not at me, you would find me in the fetal position in a corner crying. Any time ANYONE made a sudden movement, I panicked. THAT's PTSD!

As a person who has dealt with PTSD, I think it would be very irresponsible to advise you with anything other than "go to counseling" and start with that. People can develop PTSD due to long term physically or emotionally abusive relationships or situations, but any sort of diagnoses needs to come from a professional such as a counselor or therapist.

That said, do try both individual and couples counseling. I can tell you that both my husband and I came into our relationship with a lot of baggage and having someone who could help us do better with each other was a blessing. We are so much happier because of it; it's not just about 'working on the marriage' (as if it were a duty or big drain)... good counselors help us reconnect with our beloveds, find common ground again and help us *enjoy* being together more because we better understand what makes each other tick.

I also think that if you are needing to process your past, it's good for you to find someone to talk to. Just because my husband is my best friend it doesn't mean he's my therapist; there's nothing wrong with realizing that he may not be all that one needs in this regard and frankly, I doubt I would want to be the person my husband processed everything with, y'know? Sometimes we can only work on our selves and our own choices, but addressing them (instead of letting them fester inside us) is helpful. Like anything, just be choosy who you decide you want to do that work with. Spouses aren't ideal for 'unbiased support'.

PTSD, no, it is not. Trust, that is your problem. When you don't trust someone it takes time for that to build back up. He has done these behaviors over and over. He has probably said a few times he would stop. So now at issue is can you trust him to not relapse. That takes time.

I don't think you should just accept his efforts but on the flip side you shouldn't act on your lack of trust. What I mean is he usually cuts apples in half, he got help, now he cuts them in quarters. When you see him cut an apple in half you can't jump him, you are back to your old self!! because you have to cut an apple in half before you can cut it in quarters, right? So you see he finishes quartering the apple, a little trust is built back up.

Now if he walks away saying eff it, quartering takes too much effort!....

Trust takes time.

I don't think this is PTSD however, seems to me that you would benefit from counseling in how to deal with your finance. In addition, premarital counseling is a MUST. I wouldn't get married until I felt comfortable talking about messy issues. Lets face it, life is messy and if you feel sick having to have messy conversations now, it will just get worse later.

I don't know if this is PTSD and I suggest that it won't help to give this a label. To put it simply the two of you together have a communication issue that is best addressed in counseling together. The question is how do we talk with each other so that both of us are comfortable?

I suggest that since your fiancee is already in counseling that he ask his counselor for someone who can work with both of you. If he's not able to do that then look for one yourself. If he's not willing to go with you, you begin for yourself.

Know that it is normal for you to feel anxious. I suggest that even tho he's changed you have been traumatized by past behavior. I doubt the trauma is as serious as PTSD. You are conditioned to feel apprehension. Along with this condtioning the way the two of you communicate has changed. Now you have the opportunity to develop new ways of talking. I suggest you read about "non-violent" communication. It's a way of talking that includes using I statements and much more. Get information on it by googling it. There is also a book with that title as well as more material. Both of you could read and practice it together or you could try it out on your own.

I don't want to be a downer, but I think you guys are working too hard on your relationship. What I mean by this that you know when the person is the "right one" because the work doesn't seem like work. When I met my husband, I knew I wanted to be with him forever because he got my short hand. Communicating was super easy. Sure, we had some disagreements, but egg shell walking? Never.

Maybe counseling will fix it, I don't know the backstory, but I do think some communication problems are a sign of an an incorrect fit. I say this after dating lots of guy that I wish worked but that didn't work.

Is this fiancé the same guy (father of your 3 year old) to whom you referred to as your "soon to be EX boyfriend" in the post roughly a year ago?

If it is, honey, you got derailed a year ago, then got ENGAGED to him?
Oy!

This is the man who judges women by their clothing, gets matter when your (yours and his) daughter refers to your ex husband by name when he's coming to pick to your older child, demands that his (and your daughter) have NO other men around her except him (sound familiar?) and generally is suspicious of your relationship with your ex husband?
(Whew!)

Nah--not PTSD, more like GROTAH. ( Get Rid Of The A&$ H%#+) to me.
Sorry.

You haven't given any details to suggest PTSD, which can only be diagnosed by a professional anyway and based on a lot of input about exactly what past traumas may have contributed. I have a friend with PTSD from time deployed as a Green Beret, and he also came back with chemical poisoning and other issues that caused major headaches, fears, etc. You have said nothing about your fiancé having any reason for PTSD.

A lot of people latch on to labels because they think it excuses behavior - "It's a disorder so he can't do anything about it."

It also sounds a lot like he has a major anger problem. You've been posting for several years about his anger and his reactions to things like what children say and what clothing women wear.

You also have referred to him as your "soon-to-be-ex" but now he is your fiancé - unless this is a new man. You also have an ex-husband who has been a problem.

I think the problem is the choices you make in men, and the way you behave in those relationships. You have children with these men, and then you feel stuck with them. You are so tentative in your actions and words because you are afraid of what the other one will do. You said it well here too - you are now anxious about talking to him about anything. You think discussing a problem is attacking him, or that he will see it that way. That is NOT the basis of a healthy relationship.

Whether you have anxiety or co-dependency, or both, or neither, is not the point. You need to get help right now. Maybe just for you (and your children) but maybe for the relationship. You cannot control what this man will do. You can only control what YOU will do. To start with, accept that you cannot solve this yourself, and you cannot solve it on Mamapedia. Look over your prior posts - I took a quick look just at your titles going back to 2012, and I remembered quite a few of those questions and the many answers your got from moms on this site. They all dealt with some self-analysis and getting counseling.

Now you are saying you have "suggested some counseling for both" but then you question that and say YOU are the one who "needs to move on" in thought processes and accept his efforts. You have not been happy with this man for years, but you think you have to accept that what he does is as good as it's going to get? He's angry, any little thing sets him off, and you have children in the house (one not his), and you think you just sit there and live with this? Sounds like waiting for a bomb to explode. Not wise. If you won't get out (and it sounds like you won't), then get help. Don't wait for him to agree to go. Go yourself. Call your physician for a referral to a counselor who accepts your insurance. Do it today.

it just bugs the becrappies out of me that you are afraid to bring this up to him, and blaming yourself for being *unwilling* to move on.
talking to him is not attacking him. and tension isn't necessarily the end of the world. most couples have subjects that create a bit of tension.
but if you really can't broach it without anxiety, that's a huge red flag for me. counseling is the very LEAST that needs to happen here.
khairete
S.

It truly sounds like co-dependency, sort of, to me. You are worried about his reaction to you try to gauge your actions according to his reactions...see?

It's something you both should address in counseling. It would be good if he'd go with you but if he's had enough and feels he's okay then you should still go for at least a few months. That's all the time it might take, just a few visits.

With the goal being you start to see his actions and behaviors for what they are, then you can learn how to bring up topics that were triggers in the past.

Sounds more like, once bitten, twice shy.

CoDependant No More, is the book for you. You can not be responsible for every bad mood, angry outburst, and curing immature thinking in your marriage. Marriage counseling with a good counselor. Sort out what's your problem, his problem and the marriage compromise.

You could really use some counseling alone. A good counselor can support you in understanding what your fears are about speaking up for yourself, teach you some good communication skills, and support you in healing the fears that are causing your anxiety.

A good counselor can also support you in understanding about self-care, boundaries, and healing the blocks to doing those things for yourself.