Doesn't Want to Lose

It will get better as he gets older but he does need to be taught how to overcome it. I would give him a scenario and then ask him how he feels physically and emotionally when this happens and then talk about how he should react and why. Use how he physically feels when he starts to get upset as cues for him to start the correct behavior you have practiced.

Role play the correct reaction. Then sit down together and play board games etc. Tell him that when he can do it right you guys will go out for ice cream to celebrate etc. If he looses and reacts, wait till he his calm and then go through the steps you just discussed. Have him role play the correct reaction again. Ask him if he wants to try again. If not try another day.

Once you are confident that he can do this right, take him to a place where he will be in that situation with other children. Prep him beforehand by going over how he feels before he starts to get upset and what he can do to fix it. He will overcome this and its not forever!

I think its a typical point-of-view for the age. My 9y can be like this. He has a friend and a cousin that is going through the same thing. Its actually pretty funny.

When they come here and play Wii, and the friend or cousin wins, he gets mad cuz he lost. 'I don't want to play anymore'. However, when he goes to the friend's house, or plays at Grandpa's house with the cousin, and my son wins, the friend or cousin gets mad and doesn't want to play anymore. Then my son says 'well YOU don't get to win ALL the time!'.

Learing to lose is an important developmental step. If you stop him from playing so that he won't throw the tantrum, then he won't have the chance to learn that its okay to lose and he won't learn to overcome the tantrum.

I like the new Pizza Hut commerical where the coach takes the team to Pizza Hut when they lose. One boy says 'Who says losing is a bad thing?'. The other boy says 'Winning is so overrated.' Makes me laugh.

Does he watch sports? Those guys are paid BIG bucks to play games and they don't win every game. The guy that won the NASCAR championship last year didn't win every race, and the race where they declared him the winner, he just had to start the race, and then finish in the top 10!

The fear of losing will fade over time if you explain that everyone loves to win sometimes and the fun of playing the game and being happy for other people is part of what makes playing important..no one likes a bad sport...everyone likes him if he wins or loses..blah blah etc. Unfortunately, you can not speed up that process or make it stick immediately.
When I was little, I HATED all competition and games. I hated losing, I hated winning because other people's feelings were hurt, I hated the whole friggin thing. I liked playing piano-but hated recitals-loved gymnastics-but hated meets-liked soccer-but hated games...to this day I'm not competitive. But I was always polite and nice, and luckily wasn't always forced to participate.

What you CAN address immediately are the tantrums he throws. This should not be allowed whatsoever in an 8 year old child. He should have very clear and firm consequences for beginning a tantrum no matter what the reason. Once he learns to stop this, you can address other things. For example when my 4 year old first becomes upset about something, and tries to tell me in a frantic way, the FIRST step is reminding her to settle down, which is easy, because tantrums have never allowed. From there on, we can address the issue.

You need to warn him in advance exactly what his consequence will be if he throws a fit, and follow through ALWAYS at home, and even if you have to leave an event to do it. NO matter what a fit is for, he needs to know it is never allowed, so he doesn't suddenly do it in these situations. Until he has this mastered, I wouldn't even allow him to play in public situations. He can earn the privilege to participate when he assures you he will be nice. Firm discipline is key.

Teaching him firm rules is not more mean that depriving him of experiences by leaving him home. Teach him how he needs to behave, and address the "love of competition" later. I would also get a hold of some books and movies for kids with good sportsmanship in them so he hears positive examples of how to handle things. Good luck!

Hi, Jenn:

Get an appointment with your local pediatric therapist and
get an assessment.

Thanks for asking. D.

Not sure I know much to help, but it might be that he just can't handle not having control over the outcome and that makes him mad. Sometimes not being able to have control over things can be really hard for some kids. They like to be able to know how things will be and if it isn't what they thought, it can be tough!

I have the same problem with my 7 yo, we try to play games at home, and I make sure he loses a little, so he gets used to it, also you could enroll him in a camp with a strict instructor, like a soccer camp, where he will have to conform

You need to nip this in the bud-- being afraid to fail will follow him around for the rest of his life. Make sure you are sending positive messages about trying-- even if he fails. Talk about how you learn a little something every time you lose or fail at something. Getting better is something you spend your whole life doing, not something you are supposed to be done with at 8. Talk about how he had to learn to read, learn to write, learn to add, subtract, etc. That there was a time when he couldn't do those basic things, and there will be a time when he can do so much more. When he is exhibiting in appropriate behavior around losing, make sure he gets a consequence-- not for being upset, but for screaming in appropriately,etc. Talk about his feelings and help him to find ways to express them appropriately.

Point out to him times you try to do something and fail, and how you handle it. Make things about the process, not the outcome. Let him see you do things you aren't good at, but emphaise that you have fun doing them. If you can get him over this, it will be a great lesson for the rest of his life!

It sounds like a character issue to me. I would play games with him. If he wins, congratulate him on a game well played. Insist that he be a good sport in winning (not gloating, being charitable to those who didn't win). And, when he loses, insist that he be a good sport (congratulate the winner, not pouting, throwing temper tantrums, etc.). Insist upon this as you insist upon him following other instructions you give him (like going to bed and eating with manners). If he doesn't obey, then he gets discipline. I assume you discipline him when he breaks other house rules. This is no different. As parents, it is our responsibility to train our children to have manners and to be kind to others. What a selfish act it is to rob another person of their joy in winning a game. Does he see that reaction demonstrated by others when they win? What is the atmosphere like when others win in your home? Is there gloating and belittling of others? Do they wallow in pride when they win (an in pity when they don't?)? Sometimes, for effect, we over-exaggerate these behaviors to our children to make a point. Of course, we all end up laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Sometimes that is what it takes for them to *see* how they look. You can do it. Just insist upon it.