Eight Year Old with Reoccurring Fears

My son had similar issues, but mostly when going to bed. He was in fear that Satan was going to get him in his sleep. I honestly think that his private school had something to do with that. But, what I wound up doing is taking him to his pediatrician who recommended psychotherapy due to underlying anxiety issues. It was pretty successful and I changed schools about 6 months later. Good luck, anxiety for a young child is a scary thing for him/her to go through.

I would recommend finding a way to help her feel empowered so she can face her fear. Maybe let her come up with an emergency plan - like what she would do in that situation. Since she's already 8 she probably already knows most of it but it can never hurt to go over it once again. Remind her to call 911, have a safe place for her to go (either a hiding spot in the house or an agreed upon neighbor's house). Maybe you can even let her make a trap or her own alarm with cans or something and tell her that you have a plan too that includes the security system. The phase shouldn't last long and you may want to double check with her doctor but I remember being a little girl and going through this and the only thing that helped was when my mother showed me a way to face my fear (even though my resolution was to hide in a mound of stuffed animals and know where I could find rope in case I needed to catch the bad guy). Another idea would be to play-act with her with some of her toys. Does she have a doll house? Or even stuffed animals? You could suggest that you play house and that you'll be the bad guy so she can practice defending herself. Good luck - I know feeling afraid of your own home is such a scary feeling.

Hi T.,

I know exactly what you are talking about. I'm not sure if it has something to do with being 8, but my daughter went through the same fears at that age. Simple things like watering the plants on the porch just outside the playroom, or going to the step to get the paper without her would make her completely panicked. We never really did get to the bottom of what started the fear in the first place, but there had been talk on her bus about "hobos" that were "living" in a wooded area near school. The stories on the bus got out of control and we finally heard about it directly from her. Although we explained that the term "hobo" simply referred to a homeless person and not to a "deranged murderer" (as was the talk on the bus), it didn't seem to help much. We tried to stay away from talk about that and just address her fears in general.

My advice would be that you should do your very best not to lose your temper or get frustrated with the situation. (It drove me completely nuts!!) At times I would get frustrated that she couldn't explain why she felt the need to be glued to my side at all times, and I would raise my voice to her when I finally reached the end of my rope. All that did was to make her even more panicked. She feared that if she wasn't with me at all times that I might get fed up with her behavior and "sneak out of the house" without her!!

Her dad and I gently pointed out that we had never yet done such a thing, and that we never would. We talked about how it was important for her to have her independence from us and for each person to have their own "space." Our house isn't huge and if the dog wasn't under my feet, she was! Without coddling, we encouraged her to keep a timer with her and let us go and do something quickly (i.e., grab the paper) and agreed on the amount of time we would be gone (5 minutes). Then we would come back to make sure she felt OK, and would wait a short while and tell her we were going to go and take care of something else and would be back in X number of minutes. Little by little, we would increase the time and we would praise her when she wouldn't panic. One example was to bring a bag of garbage out to the garage and then come back in. Then, go back to the garage and walk one trash can to the curb and come back in, and then repeat the process with the recycling can. I also gave her one of my necklaces with a cross on it (could be anything) and whenever she was feeling anxious, she could hold it and rub it and try to calm herself down. I also gave her one of my shirts and let her wear it over her pjs each night and it gave her a sense of my presence. As she gained confidence, I would tell her that we would play a game or read a book together just as soon as I was able to sort and put in a load of laundry alone, or pay some bills at my desk, or something that took a little longer than 5 or 10 minutes to do. She would use her timer and I would check my watch to be sure I followed through. If it was going to take longer, I would touch base with her and let her know that I needed a bit more time.

For a long time she didn't want to go to sleep unless we were on the same floor (again, our house isn't big!). She wanted us to promise that we wouldn't sit out on the deck after she went to bed. We told her if she would feel better, we could keep the baby monitor in her room so she could call to us if she suddenly felt the need to. After a few times of responding right away, she knew she could depend on it and it helped her to calm herself enough to sleep. It helped to keep her favorite music on low in her room at bedtime so her thoughts wouldn't be racing.

We never belittled her for being afraid because everyone is afraid of something at some time in their life. We tried to be as encouraging as possible and to acknowledge each successful effort in independence. Eventually, she was pointing out to us her successes, and the fears slowly faded away.

Is it easy -- NO!! Will being patient get you where you want to be more quickly than losing your temper with her?...Abosolutely!! She is now 11 and is a big help with her little sister (who is 8!) I often hear her tell her sister that she "was afraid of lots of things that really weren't scary" when she was her age. ;o)

I hope this is helpful and I wish you the very best!
L.

Hi T.;

My 11-year old still has some of these same fears. A therapist recommended that when he worries about stuff like the doors being locked, to take him to the doors and show him they are locked, the windows, everything. He used to wake up at night and insist he heard noises. I would then walk him through the house, even if it was 2 in the morning and show him everything was locked and safe. It was easier than trying to coax him back to sleep, and it worked. Someone mentioned that her parents put her "in charge" of locking the doors at night, sounds like a similar approach. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi T.,

I, being my age, even have that issue. It's hard to deal with sometimes & it's nerve racking. First off, is is something she saw on tv? I mean there's so much garbage on tv (I've had an issue w/my oldest regarding something he saw on a cartoon I thought was ok - well let's just say there's even less TV time in our house now!).

My only advice is - get her a dog. =0) (if you can ofcourse and if you dont have one already). I have my 'guard dog" & I feel 100% safe. (I don't have to slide my couch in front of my door at night anymore! lol)

This is a tough one though - maybe there are some dvd's out there that will soothe her mind on this matter ....

good luck!

A quick call to the pediatrician or even talk to the school psychologist/social worker who can maybe talk to your daughter about her fear. It may be as simple as something on tv that she saw and needs additional reassurance, or it may be something more and needs additional assistance. My son developed an abnormal fear of the dark and we had to see a counselor for a couple of months and nows he much better!

Good luck!
C.

My son was behaving in a similiar way when he was around that age. We once saw a therapist, who wasn't very helpful. But finally we go some help through the BU Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. http://www.bu.edu/card/disorders/childado.html
Since it was inhibiting my son's daily life (and ours not to mention), they included us in a study. We went through a free therapy program, which helped him, but even more us , the parents.
This is a hard one to deal with, so don't feel bad if you are looking for some help from the experts. Their program actually works very similiar to the steps that Lisa described in her post below.
It can and will get better. He's now 10, and I am even able to leave him at home alone for 30 minutes to pick up our younger one at school. Something I thought would never happen!

T.-

When I was little I had the same anxiety. Mine was actually really bad. But what helped me is my parents put me in charge of locking the doors at night. My dad and I would go and check the windows and doors. He would say "see all safe!"
I also grew up during the Cold War so it was kinda scary for me. The important thing to do is let your daughter know that at home she is in a safe place and "mommy and daddy" will not let anyone hurt you or get it. But I think you are right, maybe she heard a story at school or accidently saw something on tv. Try to talk to her and see if you can figure out what the change was. The good news is that she will work through it. Tell her you love her and she is safe with you and your husband. I hope it all works out. Good luck!
E.

this is the age when kids typically develop fears (boogie men, monsters under the bed, etc). Comforting words, reassurance, letting her know that she's in a safe place will help. It should gradually fade. If not, or if it gets worse, you might want to see a psychologist for evaluation for anxiety issues. Try to downplay it, so it doesn't become a source of attention for her. Or give her her tasks to do to distract her, like set the table while you make dinner, or pour the milk, or feed the dog, etc.
My daughter, now 9.5, has some anxiety issues, and has had a lot of fears. Falling asleep has been a challenge. She's always hearing noises, or afraid of something evil. She's gotten a lot better as she's matured. She even will go into the basement (not a very nice place, admittedly) on her own now. Or, if she's afraid, she knows she can ask for company, and we make it no big deal. I think it will naturally pass, although I know it's hard to deal with now.

I also had a similar fear when I was young. I agree with Tatjana about giving her the power to deal with something if it came up. I used to sleep with a mini-baseball bat under my pillow and that helped a lot. Also I do not recommend going in to sleep with her. I'm not sure if you do that or not. I would bug my mom to come in with me and she did for literally years. Looking back, I feel so guilty for putting her through that and it didn't help me deal with it anyway. Good luck.