Enabling Parents

Yeah...sounds pretty logical, huh?
But I think MANY parents truly think they are helping.
You know, in the case of addiction, it's a FAMILY disease and normal/center shifts s-l-o-w-l-y over time (at least the perception of 'normal')
It also applies in cases of irresponsibility and mental illness and brattyness, I think.
And it's probably a case of being hard to relate OR understand UNTIL O. has failing or struggling adult children. Add grandchildren and their welfare to the mix and its an emotional roller coaster, I'd guess.

Sometimes when kids screw up big time the parents feel guilty that they somehow failed them, and then they feel the solution is to bail them out. Over and over. It's sad.

One of the biggest things I've learned as my kids have gotten older is to be less judgemental of other parents, because you never really know the WHOLE story.
My children were a pleasure and a joy as toddlers and young children. Happy, well behaved, respectful. The teen years have brought challenges I never expected. I can see how many parents make a lot of mistakes at this point (I certainly have!) Your kids are growing up, trying to find their place and voice, and you're constantly trying to balance their levels of freedom and responsibility, all the while questioning yourself (and your spouse.)
So yes, I agree that sometimes these parents come off sounding like they have no backbone and are just making things worse for their kids (and in some cases they are) but until you have to look your child in the eye and tell them to leave your house, possibly to live with an abusive partner or on the street, you'll never really know how hard that is.
Parenting is not for wimps :-(

I think this is easy to say, and not so easy to do.
My kids are little, so I haven't been there yet. I do try to let them deal with the natural consequences of their actions right now (ie, you didn't play nicely with your brother, and now he doesn't want to play with you at all. No, I will not step in and make him.).

But could I imagine doing nothing when my child is homeless, or otherwise in danger for his life? What if your child has a child, who is innocent and deserves a chance even if the child-parent isn't making good choices? I don't know, because I haven't been in those shoes, and I have nothing but sympathy for those who have to make those kinds of decisions. It must be heart-wrenching.

Well, unfortunately to look at me one would assume I'm one of those parents. But I did have rules, curfews, stayed home with my kids, limits made them work at 16 to pay for their own car ins. Groundings for poor grades. Said NO more often than not. Husband different story. And 3 of my children turned out great one graduated HS with honors went on to college was always on the Deans list. Also graduated with honors there, now works full time as a NICU nurse lives on her own, paying for own wedding next spring. The other two are still in HS, my son does have ADD and ODD but he tries, is very loving and appreciative for everything. My youngest is a super athlete, honor roll student, volunteers. Then there is my oldest. OH VEY. She doesn't get it, everyone is responsible for all her problems but her. (see post HONES OPIONS PLEASE). So sometimes NO MATTER how good or bad your parenting is Your Children can turn out so different than the rest of the family. So remember sometimes the old saying "Judge not lest you be Judged"

it was very obvious to me, before i had kids.
everything was quite simple, and logical, then.
then real life comes along, and you find out that while your overall ethical structure can remain in place, the details of how that structure stays solid from day to day vary wildly.
i'm with you in that i disagree that children should be bailed out constantly and never have consequences. but i'm a lot more generous in understanding how hard it can be to watch a beloved child flounder.
khairete
S.

Sometimes it is easy to say what someone should do when you are not standing in their shoes. How far do you go with tough love? Let them be homeless? Let them die? Until you are watching your own child self destruct you cant know how it would feel or what you would truly do.

I always say this same thing to those who judge woman and men who stay with a cheater. When you are not the one walking away from the life you built it is easy to say "I would do this" or "you should do this", but when it is you it is an entirely different situation. You just can never truly know unless you are the one it is happening to.

Blessed Be.

What looks like a clear decision to you, can be filled with complicating details. Or we think, just one more thing will put them on a good path. Or you have spent 20 yrs nurturing and you don't want them to blow it in one bad decision for the rest of their life.

And in case it doesn't look that way to you, your child getting hurt at 22, hurts you just as bad as if they were 2.

Well, I suspect that you don't really let your little child learn the hard way. For example - you wouldn't let your toddler run out in front of a car to learn about cars, would you? No - you would tell him (over and over and over) to hold your hand when you cross the street and you would set him up to succeed - not to learn from natural consequences.

Natural consequences are useful when they are mild and safe - it's ok for a toddler to learn about gravity when he falls from standing to the ground - less ok for him to learn when standing on a 10 foot ledge and falling to the ground. Parent's job to keep him from getting to that ledge until he is old enough to negotiate it safely.

I suspect it is the same sort of thing when a child gets older (mine is only 7 so I am only speaking from observation and my experience being that teen/young adult). I hope to teach my child a lot about how to behave positively and make good choices. But should he get caught with (for example) illegal drugs - I will fight as hard as I can (with as expensive a lawyer as I need) to keep him out of the legal system. Because the 'natural consequences' of our legal system s*ck. I will not let him mess up a chance to practice law or medicine forever because he made a bad choice as a teen.

There is 'fall out' that kids can learn from (just like toddlers) and there is fall out that will be long term damaging to kids. Teens and young adults are more impulsive than adults and can make bad choices. I see my job as a parent to model good decision making and to help them develop into good people as they mature.

I think a lot of it is born of guilt.
With both parents working, the children are indulged. The children get what they want, and if they don't, they put up a fuss until they do. The parents feel guilty because they don't spend the time. They feel guilty because they are tired and don't want to spend the time. They indulge more.
The kids aren't stupid. They learn very young how to get what they want and how to get away with stuff. Then, when the kids are teens the parents wonder what happened...
I am in the schools. I see it happen over and over again.
The kids will tell you that their parents can't control them, don't really care, and just try to buy them off...
Sad...
But, unfortunately, true...

I think the same thing when I read these kinds of posts, but I do think that it's easier to think it when it isn't us. Even when they are young and in grade school and they forget their homework or lunch, it's HARD to not run it over to the school and bail them out. Some kids are helped by parents more than others when they are older - college, housing, transportation, etc. Some parents have the means, some don't. Some kids are lazy, some are strivers. Some deserve help, some don't.

My older son is in college and has a monthly stipend. I'm proud that he never asks for extra money. He did say that he realizes now how expensive dating is LOL! He also knows that if he wants to spend more money dating, he will have to work for it. However, we do pay for his college expenses, whereas some parents think that doing this for their children is not their job.

When he gets out of college and starts life on his own, THAT will be my test, mom. It's all well and good for me to give the advice I give on here when I tell people "no more". And I do believe my advice! Will I pass my own test by making my son be totally responsible? I hope that he will relish in being responsible, and work hard to be. That would make it easier for me, too. I also hope that I can do what's right and help him be the man that he wants to be by NOT bailing him out, when push comes to shove...

Until I cross that bridge, it's just "words", you see, the advice I give about not enabling our grown children. I'll be so happy if I don't have to cross that bridge...

It's hard to watch your child fail and suffer the consequences. As parents we feel we need to make things all better so we just in trying to offer support when sometimes it's better to sit back and watch things unfold. There's no owner manual for children so most of the time we are just winging it.

It is hard to let your child flounder and learn from his/her mistakes, but it is critical to do so.

I think that letting them suffer the consequences of their actions is more important when they are older than when they are little.

Why do people rescue their kids? Doubt? Guilt? They are worn out? All of the above? It's difficult not to, ultimately.

Mamazita makes a good point.

The older my children get, the more humble of a parent I become. Each child, each age, each sport, each activity brings new challenges to them growing and to me parenting. It's very easy for parenting to be black & white until you're the parent and find out its mostly gray. Sure I have issues with my teenagers, but they're pretty good kids. So far, they haven't made any major mistakes that have consequences that alter their lives. I'm not naive enough to think they're never going to make mistakes. I just pray that their values, beliefs and foundation is strong enough that they'll make good choices.

Yes parents make mistakes and its easy to blame the parents. It would be easy if there was a guide that said what the "right" thing to do was, but the reality is that we're just guessing. Parents of teenagers are going through the same thing as parents of teens only with larger consequences. I laugh at my young nephews throwing tantrums over naps, their clothes and toys. I'm not negating that time in life b/c I was there and I remember the struggles. The reality is those were easy and the worst consequence was a broken toy or a cold child b/c they weren't dressed appropriately. The first time your child drives away in a car alone is scary. You learn to live on faith.

I have no intention of bailing my child out time and again for poor choices, but I haven't faced anything like that at this time. Ask again in a few years

Challenges and consequences are different at different ages, I'm puzzled at people who say they'd rather let their kids have natural consequences than to discipline them, because the natural consequences never seem major or consistent enough to achieve a certain level of behavior, but everyone's standards are different. People do suffer serious consequences-sometimes determined by others-in real life for wrong actions..so to me, the earlier kids learn to control themselves the better..as for older kids, it must be very difficult to let kids fail. But my parents did and I believe it's why I have always been self-sufficient. It's not easy to do. Some parents can do it. Some can't. Beliefs are different. Some believe bailing children out is helping them. Some believe not bailing them out is helping them.

Could not agree more!

My kids are 14 and 18, and thankfully have not done anything disastrous! I'm not a fan of swooping in and rescuing kids/kiddults, but that's often the result of helicopter parenting. The same parent who calls the coach when their kid does not make the team or emails the teacher when the child earned grades that left them ONE POINT short of honor roll. I think it's hard for those parents to get out of the mode of "helping" their child. Some of it is guilt, some of it is fear that their child's life will be ruined forever, some fear that their child won't love them anymore or feel that if they can help, why shouldn't they? Many kids are not being raised in such a way that leads to them becoming responsible adults. The parents feel guilty for the mistakes that the kids make and figure if they didn't raise them well enough to have done better, then the least they can do is bail them out.

My FIL bails out his boys. My husband for some reason decided to grow up and does not take handouts from his dad. My BIL on the other hand is the biggest looser. He is 42 and still goes over to his parents to eat because he cannot afford food. His dad complains about the high food bill but still allows him to do it. His dad also pays him to do yard work (because he needs money for gas and rent). BIL will not get a job because regular jobs are beneath him.

It's crazy how much my FIL complains about how lazy his son is. I told him once "then stop paying his way and bailing him out". FIL said "Well then he would end up on the street". Ugggg - well that's what he needs.

Oh and BIL hates his dad and blames him for his "shitty life".

edited: Sammy L I was BEING SARCASTIC! if you actually parent, you will have a better than 50/50 chance. You will raise a kid that knows not to get pregnant at 14 or to do drugs, because YOU are setting the example!!!

I can't answer your question,

but since you opened it up, I've been increasingly frustrated lately with this site. I just feel like there are so many people in this world, while as nice as can be just never should have had children. And nothing will convince me that remarrying after divorce is great for kids. right now i'm just fed up with this garbage about as long as "I" am happy then everything will work out fine with my kids. It's like people don't take it seriously, sure i'll keep the baby, my parents can raise it because they did such a stellar job with me getting preggo at 15 and when "i'm " ready I'll just take the kid back because it's MINE. All this garbage about even the best parents can have messed up kids, NEGATES all the things I do for my kids and all the sacrifices I make to make sure they have the limits they need, they have the life training they need, they have the unconditional love that they need. So why bother, I've got a 50 50 shot right??? and if they are 57 still living at home well that's justs fine. idiots!

I totally get what you're saying. I've been trying to figure this out with my sister for years!! I think I've finally figured her out!

For my sister, I truly believe it's the constant feeling of being needed and wanted. She is constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY, doing things for her kids - the oldest is 30, the youngest is 24 - and not a week goes by that she's not telling me this and that about her involvement with her kids. I think she would be totally lost if she didn't have them to help; whether it's because they've done something stupid or they just need a ride here and there. I feel sort of sad for her in a way but that's how she's always been.

And yes, I shake my head many times regarding her but I just keep my mouth shut because she seems happy.

As for the stories on here, yes, I shake my head lots of times but then I figure heck, I've done stupid stuff as well that I'm sure would have heads shaking at me!! I try to learn from the other moms on here in hopes I don't make the same mistakes.

Great question!!

My guess - and I have no personal experience with it - is that no parent wants to see their child fail or to see them suffer. So they will do anything they can to help, even if they don't realize that the help is actually backfiring. They worry that, by not giving them money or taking them in, their child will end up in trouble, living on the streets, etc.