My ex had to leave April 1, 2011. Since then, we have been through Hell and back, with protection orders, prosecutors, court appearances, mediation, police interviews, etc. He was very uncooperative and made the divorce volatile, frustrating, and very expensive. It was finalized at the end of February after the judge got fed up with him and granted the divorce without my ex's consent.
And still, my ex says, "I love you" every chance he gets. I've been asking him to stop for a year now. I've been polite, I've been rude, I've even been mean, and still he persists. Last week, he asked me out to dinner for our anniversary! Then the kids told me that he's been telling them he wants to get married to me again. He also does everything he can to make sure the kids know that HE wasn't the one who split up our family. Then I overheard my 2 year old praying over his breakfast (how cute is that?) all on his own, and he said, "Bless Mom to be happy with Dad again." Um, in prayers he only repeats things he's heard before, and he's only been doing that for about 3 months, so I know this is something he's being taught to say.
I find all of this to be emotionally abusive to me and to my kids. After we have to exchange the kids, or after he calls me, even if it's nothing out of the ordinary, I find myself agitated. I just don't need this! It's hard enough to heal from that abusive marriage without these little setbacks several times a week. And while the kids mostly aren't fooled by what their dad says, I don't want them to have to deal with it, either. He's forcing them to choose sides, he's using them as confidants, and all sorts of other dysfunctional things. When they tell me about some things he says and does, I am very careful about how I speak to the kids, but it's almost inevitable that I have to bring up past hurts, and it feels like I'm reopening old wounds! I don't want to do that!
He sent me a card for our wedding anniversary. After I told him off for asking me out. I think he's convinced that he really will be able to win me back. BTW, there is a less than 0% chance of that happening.
I am trying to think of a way to exchange the kids without having to actually see him, but he is very manipulative and controlling, so I am not sure I can make it work for all exchanges. Even if I could, that doesn't address all the problems going on here.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have any ideas or advice on how to deal with all of this?
These are some thoughts I had as I read your responses:
I wanted sole custody, but the legal system here is screwed up. He was arrested for child abuse, but he won't even get a slap on the wrist for it. And only crackhead dads lose all custody (or so my lawyer said). I am documenting things so I can take him back to court if I get enough evidence. But our divorce judge actually said that he didn't care if my ex were convicted of child abuse, it wouldn't change his mind about custody. WTH???
Yes, I know that my ex is crazy. He's diagnosed, even. But he won't admit it, and it's a progressive mental illness. He will only get worse. And I know he's abusive. He also cheated on me, but when talking to my bishop about my reasons for divorcing him, he asked what was the real reason. Hands down, it was the abuse. Mostly emotional/verbal, but physical as well (although he never hit me, it was implied that I was next when he smashed things. I love that Dr. Phil says that having things smashed around you IS physical abuse, but the court and the police don't see it that way)
I am pretty strong and assertive, and that's why I kicked him to the curb when I did. If I were a doormat (like his mother) I would still be married to him, and I would have done what he wanted. But I never gave in to him, which made him very angry. He got violent. He broke things. He started hurting the kids. End of marriage.
I was very very worried about the divorce being finalized, because he had this fantasy that I wasn't going to go through with it. I thought his whole world would come crashing down and he'd really flip out. I did tell one of our church leaders that I was worried that when that happened, he might try to kill us. I know his problems, I know the statistics. Yes, it's scary. For better or worse, instead of flipping out, he got a new fantasy.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that he opens the door and walks into my apartment. I keep the door locked at all times. I meant that when I open the door for the kids to go out to him, he often will take the opportunity to step inside.
He has stalked me, back when I still lived in our house (he got it in the divorce, so I had to move out). He went in our back yard several times, when we were and weren't there. He asked one of the kids to leave a door unlocked so he could get in. Crazy manipulative, crazy dude.
I wish we could get a dog, but one kids' allergic, it's a tiny apartment, and we'd have to pay huge money to let him live here. I do feel safer in apartments, with four neighbors right outside my door if I screamed.
My ex did not get his controlling additions (including the rules about the boys' counselor) to the divorce decree. He said he wouldn't sign the papers if I didn't agree to them. I took him to court instead of giving in. That's when the judge said forget it, he doesn't have to sign because he'd sign for him. We're starting at a new counselor this week. Now I know what he might try to pull, I will not let him try to make those stupid rules. Our last counselor couldn't believe that he tried to do that, and asked me if he had the legal right to do it. I didn't know. But I do know now.
When I mentioned old wounds, I meant that I feel awful for having to remind my kids why we left. When their dad says things like, "I love you" and that he wants to remarry me, I say to my kids, "What do you think about that?" They don't think it's a good idea. "Why?" I ask. And that is the part that I hate. Because I want them to put that part of their lives behind them, not have to dredge up memories of when they were so scared of Dad that they waited until I confronted him (to take his attention off the kids) to go hide behind furniture, then sneak up to their rooms to hide. I don't want them to have to think about that stuff. But I feel like I have to remind them in order to combat what my ex says to them now.
For better or worse, my kids know exactly why I divorced their dad. It wasn't a "grown-up problem" that I could say they shouldn't worry about. I can't say that Mommy and Daddy both love them very much, but we can't live together anymore. No, they were living in the reason we got divorced. It was their every day life. They say it's better now, and they don't want things to go back to how it was.
Thanks for the ideas on exchanging the kids. I will use them to figure out something that will work for our situation. I hope.
More Answers
W..
answers from
Chicago
on
I feel like counseling is imperative.... if for nothing else than the paper trail.
I'm not sure what your monetary situation is, but for a while my ex and I used a mediator, requested by my attorney, appointed by the court, and "split" the cost - each of us got our own "bill" each month. we dropped off and picked up 30 minutes apart.
I would think, if at some point you had a restraining order, that this would be ideal for you. I know they can even do separate locations. You meet with mediator 1st and hand over your kids. mediator transports them to wherever... to hand off to dad.
I would say go back to the ignoring it tactic. Except be disciplined enough to ignore it forever. yep, it's hard and mine wasn't as bad as yours sounds.... forward anniversary cards to your lawyer. don't answer the phone when he calls.... let him leave a message.
As for the reason for the divorce it should NEVER be "all for the kids". They need to see that YOU were in an unhealthy relationship and took steps to put yourself and your children in a better place. Having it be all for them, gives them an inappropriate sense of responsibility.
As far as what you tell them.... I stick to the "that's between me and him, it has nothing to do with you". Even if he's told them lies. dont' defend yourself.... you don't need to do that. You simply say "that's between me and him. This is an adult topic and you should not be involved".
As far as responding and opening old wounds.... Don't respond. Don't open the wounds. don't have conversations with him. Tell him he's inappropriate - in front of your kids if you have to. Tell him to his face, that you are not going to have these discussions with him. later, rinse, repeat. lather rinse, repeat. document, document, document.
Good Luck - I hope things get better.
4 moms found this helpful
Report This
S.W.
answers from
Amarillo
on
I would have the drop off and pick up at the police station. He would not be barging into my home. If he did, the police would be called for him trespassing.
As others have said, keep the cards for a paper trail. Get counseling for the kids and you. Make a plan and live your life without him in it. As soon as you can get up on your feet put a bit of distance between you as in a different town or something. Do do it legally but put space in there. He is still trying to control you because he can't stand the fact that he screwed up.
Good luck and keep us posted.
The other S.
4 moms found this helpful
Report This
C.G.
answers from
Albuquerque
on
I have to agree with Wickerparkgirl...the best thing to do is NOT engage...if he persists tell him straight "That's not an appropriate thing to say" and move on. Don't let him engage you in a discussion. My thought on the cards was to "return to sender" but if you still have a lawyer on retention, sending them to him/her is a good idea too. Don't answer his calls, make him leave a voicemail then call him back if it's necessary. But ONLY call back if it pertains to the kids. Stay focused when talking to him, talk only about the kids. If he tries to derail the conversation, say "Sorry, I have to go" and hang up. On him being manipilative and controlling, you no longer have to put up with it. He can only control you and the situation if you let him. When he goes to your place, he can't just walk in if you keep the door locked. When you answer the door, keep your foot behind the door and stand in his way so he cannot walk in unless you invite him. Don't invite him unless you WANT him to come in.
As odd as it might sound, he's enjoyed taking your power away from you while you were married...it's time to take that power back. I'm not talking about being a raging bi@#h, just be strong and assertive. Let him know through actions that you aren't going to take it anymore. The first few times you do it may be scary as hell, but after the initial beginning, you'll feel better about yourself and it will become more natural. When I did this, my ex went through a total freak out, he got more aggressive becasue he could feel the shift in "power", he could feel that I was no longer letting him control everything. It took a bit but I refused to back down and he finally gave up.
Good luck, we're all thinking about you!!
3 moms found this helpful
Report This
M.R.
answers from
Philadelphia
on
S.,
Im so sorry youre going through this.He is stalking you,using the kids as pawns in his sick game of guilt and selfishness.It sounds to me like youre doing your best to keep your children's father in their lives(like an ADULT would)however,he is not being an adult or rational,hes got one goal in mind and thats getting you.I have never been stalked but thats what this sounds like and if its true there are stages.He is trying to win you with kindness and guilt(right now)then hes going to loose his patience.God help you if meet someone else.Document,keep any and all letters,cards ect...Record phone calls.I would also obtain full custody of the kids and get a restraining order.You cant move forward with your life,your children must be stressed to no end.Put your foot down,enough is enough.Now only if it were that easy,I sound like"just 1..2...3"im sorry,it just makes me angry to hear this.Be safe and remember you and youre children come first.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
M.R.
answers from
Chicago
on
S., I am sorry you are going through tough things even after getting divorced. I don't know much what to suggest to help you, but if your ex can manipulate your kids to include prayers like "Bless Mom to be happy with Dad again.", I think you need to talk to your kids.
It is good that your kids already understand that they really do not want you to marry their dad again. So, tell them to just pray instead "Bless mom and all of us to be happy". Small suggestion, but maybe it also relaxes some fear from your children's minds..
My very best to you and your kids, to handle it all well!
---------------edited--------------
PS: Is it possible for you to contest your ex's control over the therapist visits? The judge had to give you divorce without his consent. It is enough to prove probably that your ex is considered trouble. I am sure there must be some legal clause that will support your side.
And do talk about it to your friends and especially neighbors. If people around you know of your situation, they may be able to help you in case your ex tries something more serious or dangerous at YOUR HOUSE.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
A.C.
answers from
Salt Lake City
on
S.,
I am really sorry you have to deal with this. I do remember when you first posted about separating from your now ex, and I am so proud of you for sticking with it. I am sure that things will get better with time.
Would it help if you meet in front of the police station for exchanging the kids? I know a couple nearby that has to do this due to the ex husbands craziness. Are you and your kids attending counseling? It seems like it would be a good idea and perhaps the counselor can give you ideas on how to cope and handle this behavior. Best of luck!
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
F.H.
answers from
Phoenix
on
How often to you exchange the kids? My husband and I have ex's and we try to have it where we pick up and drop off at school and during summer, I pick up and drop off my step dtr so my husband doesn't have to see his ex. I just honk the horn when I get there, so she comes out on her own and I don't have to see his ex either. They do the same thing at our house so we don't go out to see them. Maybe you have a mutual family member or friend that can do it for you? Also, you already know this, but document everything and keep all the psycho cards. Try to have all communication in email form so its documented. Also, as far as the kids go, it sounds like they are still young. They don't need to know details. And trust me, when they get older, they will then know (unfortunately) what is really going on and who the "real" parent is. And a little counceling wouldn't hurt. Good luck!!!
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
C.B.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Check with your county - they may have a place where you can do the exchanges. Where I live there is such a place and whoever has the kids brings them there and drops them off and then the other parent is scheduled to arrive like 15 minutes later to get the kids. Same with the return - kids arrive, other parent leaves and then the one picking them up arrives. You never have to see the other parent.
As for him walking into your home, I would make sure my door was locked whenever you think he's coming. Heck, just get into the habit of keeping the door locked all the time unless you or the kids are outside.
As for opening old wounds, it sounds like your kids KNOW that this is the best situation for all of you, so I wouldn't worry about explaining past hurts to them. They obviously know that dad was the problem and nothing dad can say will change that so quit thinking your have to defend yourself. Obviously you don't.
So sorry this is happening to you and your kids. Become proactive, not reactive and set up some rules re the exchange of the kids. If your area doesn't have such a service, then arrange to meet him in the lobby of the local police department. I've known people to do that also. That way there is absolutely no bull.
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
P.G.
answers from
Dallas
on
I haven't read your previous posts, but good for you for taking care of yourself and your babies. If you have had protection orders, talk to the police about exchanges at their location. You will feel safer, and perhaps he will get the message. I would also think of letting neighbors know a little bit about things so that you have some backup in case he "acts up". Your children are smart. And in a way, if your ex "gets the message" - mommy WILL be "happy again with daddy", in that you'll be happy with his behavior and him facing up to reality. Good luck!
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
D..
answers from
Charlotte
on
Next time he sends you a card, write "return to sender" on the envelope and give it back to the post office.
I wouldn't talk to him if I were you. Just have a book in your hands and look at the book. Then drive away. Install a lock on your door that YOU have to open with a key, so that the kids can't open the door for him. Don't look at his face, hug the child goodbye, close the door. At some point when you just aren't playing his game anymore, he'll lose interest. I think that he will probably quit doing this when he finally meets another woman.
Of course, then you may have to worry about him trying to get custody. Hopefully the court won't have a short memory.
Good luck, S..
Dawn
Report This
T.S.
answers from
San Francisco
on
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It actually sounds quite frightening to me :(
I don't know that I have any advice, except re the exchange of the kids. I don't think I'd want this guy anywhere near my home, let alone walking right in uninvited! When it's his turn to pick the kids up from you could you take them over and drop them off? Or at least meet in a neutral, public location, like a park, or parking lot at the grocery store? Just a thought.
And when you drop the kids off do NOT engage him. Say a quick goodbye to your children, roll up the car window and GO.
Report This
☆.A.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
My best advice is NOT to escalate or react to anything. (Even though you probably want to go for his throat!)
Cards? Toss them in the can.
Invitations? Respond "No thanks."
Keep all communication short, sweet and emotionless.
And the hardest part will be keeping it and making it clear to your kids that since this man is their father, you'll always love that part of daddy, but that you & daddy cannot be happily married, but you're grateful to him for the kids!
