Fear of Repeating the Same Mistakes ?

My friend was a yeller with her kids because that was how she was raised and she felt horribly guilty about it. She said therapy and parenting classes have helped her a TON. She is in therapy continuously...she said she would not be the person she is today without it because her childhood was so messed up.

I was abused mentally and physically by my parents. When I had my daughter at age 20 I was probably about age 12 mentally. I was ill prepared and had zero parenting skills.

When she was little I did everything I could to not beat her with a switch and/or belt. I would scream and yell and try to get her to do what I wanted with no skills what so ever.

I ended up with a child that had no boundaries, no maturity, no critical thinking skills, and not much to fall back on when I would go totally towards not doing anything because I was afraid I'd become my parents.

So, when I got my grand kids I took parenting classes. Lots of parenting classes. I made a lot of mistakes with my daughter so I wanted to do it better this time.

I love Love and Logic Parenting. My husband bonded with PCIT, Parent Child Interaction Training. I think to keep ourselves from becoming our parents we can't do it without learning skills that support the sort of parent we want to become.

I think dealing with your anxiety will be the best gift you can give to your children - and to yourself. You have to take care of your own health (mental as well as physical) and hurts first, before you can give wholly to others - including children.

I would suggest therapy. Sounds like you still hurt from your past (understandable) and work through those emotions. Let them go. Then you won't be so fearful of them - repeating themselves.

I think feeling we're in control is a big thing for moms - we're not at all perfect, but knowing strategies to help us cope - are key. I walk away. I take a minute when I'm about to lose it (one child in particular pushes my buttons) and I go to my laundry room - and I just chill out. My other strategy is to remove the person who is causing stress at the moment. So asking people to remove themselves when they need some 'down time' is a coping trick here too.

Figuring out what triggers you to yell - will help you to if not avoid them, then be aware of them.

My mother is tough as nails. She loves us to bits, but I am a sensitive person and didn't always get it growing up. She had to hold it together because we lost our dad early on. What I perceived as cold was in fact, someone trying to be strong and keeping it together. For us.

So getting to know your mother better - understanding what her challenges were as a mom when you were growing up - can help stop cycles too. Forgive and move on. You'll be aware when you're stressed or anxious and if you get help, you'll know how to deal with it.

I apologize to my kids when I am not pleased with how I responded to something. Showing kids we make mistakes and own up to them - is a good life lesson for them.

How old are your children?

Doris Day and Gamma make great points.....there is so much literature available on parenting styles these days for every situation.

They even make them parent friendly so that you can just read a short chapter at a time instead of a long novel.

You can look on Amazon, ask your librarian, or spend the afternoon at Barnes and Noble.

Our school district holds parent nights once a month. They go over special parenting topics open to everyone.

Your county may have a family service center/family counseling center where they also offer parenting classes.

But I think you already identified one major obstacle in your parenting....your anxiety. Anxiety looks and acts A LOT like anger. This is also new information.

Please see a therapist or a support group to help you manage it, and this will help you be a better parent.

Your local family service center may have affordable counseling.

On a more personal level, I have formed friendships with some great moms and watched and modeled how they have handled their children.

Last, taking a moment to pause before I react helps me gain perspective on the situation...and remember the situation is happening because the child is learning or needing guidance on the right choice to make (i.e. not acting naughty). And to add to that a sense of humor always helps.

Please get yourself support for your anxiety. That is the best parenting you can give your child.

It IS possible. Have you taken parenting classes? If you haven't, you should. Learning the way to handle yourself with your child is important. You can study this. Early childhood experts learn how to manage children, what to expect with their development, and maybe even more important, what NOT to expect. Part of the reason parents yell is because they don't understand what a child can be expected to understand and do. When they don't understand, they expect too much and yell when the child cannot possible do what they want, or keep from doing what they don't want the child to do.

You can do this! Good luck!

I had a ton of things I didn't want to repeat with my son. Spanking, yelling, making him afraid of me, constantly criticizing ("You got a 98 on that report? What happened to the other two points?") and so on.

I got some help from my husband, who had been raised by a very nurturing father and a very creative mother who encouraged him to explore various skills and interest areas. I also read parenting books on how to manage conflict without yelling, and I got some good counseling about what I was so angry and hurt about. Understanding the origins made a huge difference in not repeating things. If you have anxiety, counseling can be extra helpful. Your doctor, pediatrician or OB/GYN can refer you to someone who takes your insurance.

Oddly enough, my husband and I also took an infant/child CPR course - it might sound odd, but it really helped to clarify what's an emergency and what's not. That took away a lot of the yelling in other areas of discipline when we realized not everything was life or death!

So, take your fear and use it to motivate yourself. Like anything else in life, you can develop skills for this next time period. Someone taught you to dance or play the piano (or whatever you did), to hold a bat, and to drive a car. Someone can teach you parenting skills too.

See the children's librarian at your library for recommendations on the best parenting book to avoid whatever you're afraid of (like yelling). A lot of moms on Mamapedia recommend Love & Logic, but there are other "classics" and probably some new ones. Don't overwhelm yourself. Find a philosophy you agree with, and then practice. Don't give up the first time something doesn't work - that doesn't mean it's a bad strategy, it just means you and your kids aren't used to it yet. Practice, as you would in any other area.

Do your best to be the parent you wish you had instead of the ones you actually had.
My Mom did it.
Her dad was an alcoholic and her mom ended up being committed to a mental institution when my Mom was 14.
It's possible to break some really bad cycles.
Just tell yourself you do not have to become the parent(s) you had - you can be different.
Sure you'll still make mistakes - but they'll be new and different mistakes - and you can learn from them and not repeat them.

My mother was not much of a mother at all. She never discussed anything intimate or personal, or even mentioned it. She never told me funny stories about being pregnant. She didn't hug, and didn't come to my room in the night if I cried or got sick. I never once in my entire life went shopping with her, or went out to lunch. She didn't cook, not even oatmeal or eggs. She was always present, she wasn't drunk, she didn't hit us, but she was like a refrigerator: always there, but you sure don't hug or talk to your fridge. My dad did 99.9% of the parenting, from making every meal, to sitting on the porch steps and talking about boys or school or just life, to taking me shopping for my graduation dress and my wedding dress (my mother didn't participate in my wedding planning because I included two songs from movies and she said that was shameful in a church wedding. The songs were Tara's Theme from Gone With The Wind, played by a professional pianist as my processional, and Make Of Our Hearts One Heart from West Side Story). My dad taught me about puberty and went with me to buy my first necessities. He loved and comforted me and was honest.

Anyway, I made a lot of mistakes when my kids were younger. True, I didn't act like my mother at all. Instead, I spent too much time focusing on being the anti-my-mother. I didn't do things out of spontaneous love; instead I would ask myself "what would my mother do and how can I do the exact opposite?" It was all very calculated.

Then I learned a valuable lesson. That kind of anti-mothering wasn't the answer. It restricted me. It's like watching someone and trying to copy their exact movements, but you have to do it in reverse. You get all mixed up. They put their right arm in the air. You put your left arm up but you need to think "oh, that's their right arm, I raise my right arm" and your brain gets all fuggled.

So I took some time to ask myself what I needed that I didn't receive, and how I could provide that for my kids, from my heart, not from a sense of having to do it from some kind of weird reverse, mirror-image, forced actions. I just needed to talk to my kids, to be spontaneous, to be firm, to be stable, to help them feel secure, to be consistent, to be available. I tried to take my mother out of the equation, as she was dominating everything I was doing. I realized I had compassion, I wanted to be a mom, I had love for my kids and the willingness to dive in and do the tough part of parenting (the talks, the teaching, the sitting by the kid's bed when they're puking, the waiting up when they're on their way home). So it was when I stopped letting my mother dictate how I would respond to my kids and started listening to my own heart and brain that I realized I was what I hoped to be.

I still make mistakes. I'm not nominated for the Nobel prize of mothering (darn, because I could use the cash that comes with it!), and it still weighs on me sometimes. But I've come a long way.