Feeling Lost............

D.,
I applaud you for staying with your daughter's daddy. BUT now you need to take care of you & him. Get counseling.
I certainly understand that you have suspicions but you have no concrete proof that he ever DID anything. Yes--he tried and he may have but I think you need to give it a fair chance. couples counseling will help. If he won't go--go alone. Otherwise you will be stuck in this cycle of mistrust forever and that's not fair to your little girl either! Good luck!

Choosing to stay with him for your daughter was the right thing to do, but treating him like garbage will not help you reach your goal of a happy marriage.

Set up a night to go out with him, just the two of you to a quiet place (restaurant, park, etc.) so you can talk. Start off by telling him you don't like the way you've been treating him. That will help him to open up. He'll be expecting an attack on him, but if you start by stating the wrong of your own actions he'll be shocked (in a good way).
Find out why he thought about having an affair (or did have one, be prepared to hear that) and then address those issues. The affair is terrible, but continuing the heartache and misery is even worse. You two need to work through this together, both taking responsibility for your part in the problems. Take that approach. You can do it! Your daughter is worth it!

i would strongly suggest counseling for you both individually, AND as a couple. even though you may not be the cause of the problem, you'll still need it to help you deal with the anger you have which you are so rightfully entitled to. I don't blame you for not wanting him to touch you, how ever, a healthy marriage NEEDS that intimacy, not just "that" but the romance that is involved. Plus, if there is none of that, then you BOTH will start feeling deprived of the other, and both ends will have infedelity involved.

he needs to prove it to you that he is sorry, and that you are his one and only if you in fact are. It may take a while to heal what's been broken/damaged and how much time that takes will depend on you BOTH, but you both need to work through it if 1 of you does not want to work through it, it will not happen.

if you're involved in church, surrounding yourselve's with christian support groups will help tremendously!

Counseling would help... but really you are entitled to be angry for awhile, and then he needs to rebuild your trust in him. Not an easy process but doable if both parties really want to. Once you get over being angry it will be easier to start working through it. You will need to start talking to him again though, otherwise your behavior may drive him to the behavior you already suspect him of. ANd of course, the only way to to resolve any issue requires talking to eachother. IF counsleing is out of the question, I know there are a lot of books out there on how to handle the aftermath of an affair and to rebuild the relationship. I thinkt hat even though he may have "only" cheated the effect is still the same and these books might help. Good luck.

I will say a prayer for your family.

I can understand being angry and perhaps you are just disgusted with him and cannot stand to be near him anymore. You need to decide if you can forgive him and want to work on making the relationship work and also ask him if he wants to. If either of you does not or CAN not then counseling will not help. But maybe he is remorseful and has not been able to explain to you what drove him to do what he did. Open discussion is the only way to get to the bottom of this. If you cannot talk right now, perhaps write a note with how you feel and what you would like to see happen. The first step is probably for you to think of what ideally you would like to happen now - for him to leave and pay child support, for hiim to be sorry and have a relationship the way it was before the "almost affair". Did you like your relationship before you found out? Once you know what you want, you can present it to him, with or without a counselor. Good luck.

I wanted to let you know that your feelings are understandable. You must, however, find a way to work this out. If he is telling the truth and nothing really happened, you are punishing him without warrant. If he did do something and you have decided to stay with him, then you must, for the sake of your daughter, find a way to get passed this. She is old enough to pick up on everything you are doing, even if you think you are hiding it from her. I am sure you don't want her to think that this is normal and she should expect her own marriage to be something like yours. Either way, I see that he has betrayed your trust by even looking online and that must be addressed, too. Also, for your sake, make sure that he hasn't picked up any std's. That may sound really harsh but ask him to see a doctor. You need a fresh start but you don't want to risk your health. I assume he doesn't want to leave you. Did he apologize for going online?

If he is worth staying with, then you have to try to make it somewhat enjoyable or you will push him to do something...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Good luck and God bless.

You didn't really say what you wanted to do? Do you still love him and just need help to get respect for him back. How did he react? Was he willing to spend the rest of his life proving to you that he will never do this again? What steps has he taken to make his life an open book for you to inspect upon your need to do so? It def. sounds as tho you need some counsiling in order to work past this, if that is the decision you want to make. But it takes two people actively trying in order to recover and move on from something like this. You have to confront your feelings in order to move on, and you can forgive with out forgetting- but you can't keep 'making him pay', because this is counterproductive to working forward- and could actually drive him away. And I say this only if he was truly sorry- which means you would have talked and found out the reasons why he felt the need to go else where. Then the two of you need to try to work on that. Open honest communication/raw feelings are needed to go on! and again I can't stress- the cooperation of both of you! :)

You cannot move on until you get closure. You state you are not sure you believed he did not actually have an affair. You need to know for sure. I would strongly recommend finding a marriage counselor about this - a safe environment to discuss these issues in a productive way, so that you are not wasting time arguing and you treating him badly.

Staying in an unhappy marriage will not be healthy for your child in the long run. Do you want him/her to be in a similar relationship because children truly learn what they live?! If the answer is "no", then separate.

Your husband did not meet someone in a drunken stupor in a bar one night and "accidentally" sleep with her (not that this is okay by any means). He ACTIVELY solicited an affain online WITH a plan.

He does not respect you and my guess is that he is very unhappy. If he's not currently having an affair, it's a matter of time. Get a good lawyer and get out of the relationship. Print copies of the emails and stop blaming yourself for treating him badly. He did not treat you or your marriage with respect in the first place.

Keep in mind that you may think youre doing the right thing for your son, but you also need to be setting the example on how to treat himself by showing how you treat yourself, and youre creating what he's going to know in relationships. So if he sees resentment and constant feelings that are negative, thats how he's going to perceive relationships in general.

Its a hard situation, but I would definately suggest counselling, for you on your own and for both of you as a couple. And have you talked about this completely? the two of you, without the screaming and arguing. Has he said why he went astray and such, and have you thought about maybe writing all of what youre feeling abd have bottled up inside down and then letting him read it so he understands more. Its easier sometimes when its written down because you can get everything out without being flustered and forgetting things. But it sounds liek you want it to work, even if only for the sake of your son. So Id suggest the counselling and then go from there and see if it really is what you want or if you're ready to just throw in the towel .

Get help. Get him tested for STDs before you think about having the excitement with him. Decide if you are ok with sleeping with someone who would sleep with whoever showed up from a Cragislist ad. Some people have open relationships and are very happy. Are you one of those people? I believe that honesty and trust are very important, you have to be open about things. He should not have gone behind your back. Maybe he thought he was justified in satisfying his needs on the road, and assumed you would be hurt and/or unreasonable. Maybe he was right and maybe you are totally justified in reacting that way. Too many things are different for each person and couple. You need counseling if you want to make the marriage work, and if you don't you should still get some counseling for the sake of your child. You are unlikely to be able to move on without help, there are major issues at play.

Marriage counseling is almost always helpful.
Will he go with you?
Either way, getting some counseling for yourself
would probably be a good thing.
Good luck.

D.,
He may have not met with someone, yet the intent was clear, that's why you feel betrayed. If your relationship is no longer working, and you don't see it working anymore the best thing to do is walk away. Not an easy feat, I know from experience. But staying with him because of your 5 yr old is not the right reason.
Your son needs an example of a HEALTHY relationship, whether together or apart.
The fact that you guys are no longer together, does not mean, that he won't have a daddy or that he will not have understand the concept of a family.
Think about what is going to be the most healthy thing for YOU, and that by consequence will be the best for your son and even your husband.
I know its a difficult situation to be in. But you are strong and will get through this.
Good Luck!

hello
sorry you have to deal with.. it's hard , I m sure..
that said.. I would do this.. go to a therapist, first for you... get your mind right about how you feel and how this has affected you. I am sure the therapist will probably also suggest couple's counseling.. and some resort to that first.. but I say.. go first for yourself and give yourself the chance to explore all your feelings around this.. IF your husband knows you are going and cares to save the marriage then perhaps he will want to join in.
Thing is.. most often suggest coming together as a couple which I am done for, but truly.. I just believe that people have to first get things right with themselves and one on one counseling is a good starting point.

I wish you the best

i havent read any of the other post, but i think if you are willing to fight for your marriage and see if things can work, counceling is the best route, you can vent to him and a third party and get the answers you need. And only then will you be able to see if you can get passed the situation and can trust him again, and forgive and forget or you will learn that you cant. but getting eveything out is the best thing. but staying in a marriage because of kids is never a good thing. i hope this helps. good luck

.

The joys of a cheating spouse. Been there done that. It is SO hard to get back to trust, but so worth it when you do. I admit my husband and I had a few set backs this summer in the trust department, but we are working on it again. If you question yourself as to why you are leaving, you are doing the wrong thing. So I applaud you for making the hard decision to try to make it work with him. If he was looking, it may just have been for the sheer excitement of the hunt, never intending to act on it. Still, I know that is hard. I would agree with the other mothers and suggest counseling, both together and seperate, and do what you can to get back on the path to a happy marriage. He does not have to be the perfect guy, but perfect for you. He was at one point or you wouldn't be married. Work to get back to that point. It's tough, but very worth the result. So work on you, have him work on him, and work on you both as a couple. It will let you know if you can make it or not. I dont think treating him the way you are is helping at all, because he will eventually stray if he gets no affection from you. But I know the hurt all too well. If you want to talk to me, feel free to message me. Good luck mama!