Frustrating Behavior

If they stand and stare ask them to repeat the question back to you.
What did I just ask you?...
If you get no response, put them in the time out chair so they can think about how rude they are when they don't answer.
LBC

May I just ask a question-- have either of your children been tested for verbal cognition difficulties? I only ask because I have seen this in my career as a nanny/preschool teacher: some children really need to have a more direct, visual approach to following directions. These are completely intelligent children, and it's not a question of Not Minding, per se, but not making the connection between the verbal words and what it is that we expect.

For example, when your son blankly stared at you about the cow, with a child who had verbal cognition challenges, I would say "Here's your cow" and then put it into his hand and gently help his fingers hold it.

Instead of "Go to time out", it would be me walking the child to the time out area, helping them get seated and saying "you sit here until..."

I have had a child within one of my groups who 'looks' just like your children. This child taught me so much. I had to learn that this child needed me to physically/visually demonstrate *everything*. Handwashing? At least once a day, we did it together. When we did art projects, this child was one of the last, only because they needed to watch other children do *any* activity other than what the child was already proficient at. I did a lot of gentle physical assisting with this child, even so much as sometimes doing the 'hand over their hand' assist in picking up toys, or actually walking them into the bathroom, helping them pull down their pants and placing them on the toilet. LOTS of blank looks.

Your child will be helped by a teacher who doesn't just 'tell' them to do something, but takes them by the hand and leads. In this way, children grow to understand what each phrase we give them means "in their body". I also had to really shorten each message to very basic phrases. Instead of "it's time to pick up toys and then go wash your hands" it was "Pick up toys, please" and lead them to the toys, showing the child where the toys go. Or it's "go wash hands" and if there's no response, just walking the child into the bathroom, and turning on the water. "Wash hands, please".

My guess, and my experience, is that children who have a harder time with verbal directions need more visual cues and less consequences or punishments. Sometimes, this not-minding is simply not understanding things in the way a child who doesn't have this sort of challenge might. Believe me, once I stopped trying to fix the child, got a clue of my own, and started implementing these 'assists' for the child, things became more pleasant and the child began to actually learn what they were being asked to do. It takes patience, repetition, and visual cues whenever possible.

If this eval comes back negative, then please ask for more help. Either from us or a pro. From my long experience, however, this would be my first guess, from what you've described.

I get up and physically help them. If I tell DS to put his feet on the floor (positive phrasing for get those filthy things off my couch) and he doesn't, I walk over and move his feet off the couch. On the positive discipline list I am on, they call it GOYBP - get off your butt parenting - it's more work but it works. I don't send him to his room or do time outs so I have no suggestions there. I do get down on his level, make eye contact and ask if he has heard me before I assume he is ignoring me.

Too funny, I was just talking to my friend about this same exact problem today. I have a 5 & 3 yo too and I find myself constantly repeating myself. And it can be something as simple as having them go wash their hands or putting their dirty clothes in the hamper. And it's not like they are not doing it because they don't want to, it's really like they just don't hear me or are too focused on something else they get distracted or zone me out. Like Amy said, I found that if I actually get their attention, by getting at their level, touching their shoulder, etc. it tends to work better. Of course I don't always remember to do that until I have asked them already 3 times and starting to get irritated. That only works when things are calm, when my 3 year old is throwing a fit, oh nevermind trying to get him to listen or do as I say :)

We enforced responding with discipline like any other rule. They got one warning to respond or a consequence. Now the second time I repeat something (in case they really were distracted or didn't hear me) they'll respond. It's a habit because they never got away with ignoring.

My brother in law has 6 kids, and in their home, when each child went through this phase (ALL kids do it if they can) the second time they said something, a parent would go say it with a hand on the child's shoulder etc as a "OK, I'm focusing in you and you have one warning" physical contact type thing. Sometimes with an "Answer, son" (they live in the south) type statement. We did that too and it prevented a lot of consequences because the child understood they HAD to answer or react. The physical touch brought them into the moment.

Evaluations are fine, and you do want to be safe, but really, I've seen tons of kids do the vacant stare when they don't feel like responding. They get into the habit big time and it can get really hard to break, that's why we were firm up front. You said it feels like a battle of wills. It doesn't feel like that when the child really isn't getting it. You can tell by the context of the request whether the child doesn't understand, or is ignoring. If your son decides to throw himself on the floor rather than go to time out, chances are, he gets it.

I think Hazel W had an excellent response. I just wanted to branch off of what she said....I was wondering if you've looked into sensory processing disorder? I ask because my oldest son has some sensory issues, and we used to get blank stares from him and often had to repeat what we were saying.

One of the symptom categories of SPD is Hyposensitivity to Sounds (under-registers). Within that category, some of the symptoms are: often not responding to verbal cues/ name being called, seems to have difficulty understanding or remembering what was said, appears oblivious to certain sounds, needs directions repeated often or says "what?" a lot.

Here is a link to the website that was most helpful to me. It's the symptom checklist page. The information that comes first is really helpful.

I decided to print the pages out that were relevant and brought them with me when I spoke to my son's pedi, and when we went to the Occupational therapist for the first time.

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-proces...

Hope it helps.
Best wishes!! =o)

When they stare at you instead of complying take her hand and walk her and sit her in her time-out spot, hand him the cow, etc. And, yes, it takes more work on our part ; )

1 2 3 Magic is great for all kids. even kids with special needs google it. they have great books. its all the stuff her just more detailed.

Hey -
For the cow issue, I would have done what you did - turned around and walked off. And, I would have put the cow high up where he could not reach it. If he did not care, then that would be the end of it. If he whined and then cried for it, I would turn around and say, "No sir. You cannot have the cow. I tried to give it to you and you did not take it. If you want it, then you need to take it when I offer it to you. Now, you need to say you are sorry to Mommy." IF he said he was sorry (politely), I would give the cow back. If he did not/would not, then the cow would stay where it was. If he persisted in crying, THEN he would get a timeout.

In regards to our daughter just staring or not answer, when they start staring, I would say, "you need to answer Mommy." And, if they can't answer, then I would say, "I am going to count to three. If you can't give me an answer by 3, then you are going to your room (or timeout or whatever). "

The MAIN issue with all of this is that you have to be 100% consistent. Polite, but insistent. Expect responses, expect good behavior and be kind and insistent. But, do offer a punishment if they refuse to behave properly. I find that 3 years will do everything they can to push your buttons to see how far they can go. But, I also find that children raised consistently and firmly are usually pretty well trained by age 5.

Oh, and I just read Hazel's response. Excellent. I love it. My answer would only apply if the evaluation she recommended did not show any issues! And, as she says too, for any child, you need to lead them to the timeout place/bedroom. When I send my child to his/her bedroom, I walk with them and I tell them my expectation "You can come out when you stop crying." or for my older child, "You can come out in 8 minutes." (and I go and get them when the 8 minutes is up, I don't depend on him to know when 8 minutes is up).

Good luck,
L.

If you determine it is just behavioral, I HIGHLY recommend the book Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Trip.