Getting over It?

I wish every woman on Mamapedia could read your post. Your situation shows a good reason to remain 110% faithful to the person you marry, even before you take the vows. Once trust is broken, it seems almost impossible to repair completely! But I honor you for trying.

I recall an old, old illustration comparing the marriage bond to a fine porcelain teacup. Porcelain is beautiful, and it's a lot sturdier than it appears. But it can be broken. If it breaks, it is often possible to repair it. But the cup is never quite the same. It's not exactly the way it was before it was broken. Even if you might be able to use the cup again, you still know there are repaired places.

Of course you go through rough patches. So does everyone else. Sometimes you simply have to go day by day (hour by hour?). Did today go well? Then you can be thankful for a good day. You may not be able to trust tomorrow implicitly, but you're willing to go forth, work hard, and be honorable in the way you treat your husband. I know what it's like when every day is - well, a challenge to the mind! If you need a counselor to help you, go ahead and find a good one who will be part of your cheering section.

You also need to find some sort of sitter your husband can trust. Do you all go to church? Ask there for some names. Perhaps you want to try an older woman - one who will drive herself to your house and back home - if your husband has reservations about teenagers. Get at least five references for this person, and if all the references are outstanding, tell your husband he needs to try her out for forty-five minutes. Then you'll have to figure out where you can go in forty-five minutes - I was thinking of dinner, but that depends on the restaurant! You and your husband need to go out by yourselves once in a while, just the two of you. I think it will help the way you feel, because with your schedule you MUST need some recreation and renewal!

I don't think you ever get 100% over it. You just learn to accept it - which sucks!! He broke your trust and he has to earn it back. I am in a similar situation - husband cheated on me before we were married and I found out about it right before our wedding. Everytime we would fight I always brought it. Finally we decided together that before we got married that what was in the past stayed in the past . It was very hard and still is very hard. I still think about it. When he goes out I sit there and wonder. The only thing I can say is that I love him and chose to stay with him - so I keep our promise and do not bring it up. We have been together 11 years now and all I can say is if I can't trust him after 11 years then why would I stay. So, I chose to trust him. And he has not given me any reason not to since we have been married.

Good luck.

I don't believe trust is just "oh, okay, I forgive you, here's my trust." And I'm not sure what you mean by getting 100% over it. My husband was unfaithful. I've been there. We've worked on it and we are in a better place. But do I think for a second I'm the only woman he ever takes a second look at or the only one he'll ever want from now on? Not on your life! What I do trust is that he does love me, at least now (as opposed to in the past). I trust that he's committed to our relationship. I also trust that he knows he's in the doghouse at best if he ever screws up again. You may want to consider going to counseling about this particular issue for you. It may be that you need to let loose on your hubby and tell him he screwed up. Even years after mine did, I was so afraid of pushing him away, but when I was able to be honest about what bothered me, it helped us. If you'd like to know more of what we did/do to help our relationship get deeper, please feel free to message me privately.

I don't know that I have a lot of advice. I just want to say that you should never feel you have to apologize for working on your marriage and your relationship with your husband. What you are doing is very difficult, but you should be commended.

I do hope you are able to work through this with him and slowly build that trust again. It will take time. Discussions with your husband and/or additional counseling may be in order. I'm sure the other moms have good advice for you already.

Best wishes to you and your family!
B.

Tough situation, and congratulations for sticking with it. You have so much going on, life and attention to the many relationships in your life is probably just difficult.
I would strongly recommend counseling for the two of you to discuss the incident and how it is impacting your current relationship. It is up to the both of you to repair the relationship, not just him and not just you. You probably both need something from the other to work through it. Then, you can figure out what you need and how to nurture the other and allow this to be something in your past that does not continue to cause stress in the future. Good luck.

Try to make sure you're not taking out your frustration with working, getting an MBA and having 2 little kids on something from the past. Even if he hadn't cheated, things likely would be tough if you never get out alone. I'm not sure if he had a full blown affair before you were married or just a one-night stand. To be honest, either way, it doesn't have to dictate things going forward. I honestly was not the faithful type before marriage. I didn't actually have sex but I did "fool around" even when I was in a relationship. I have a friend who had a one night stand before he was married and it's never happened again. For me and for some people, marriage is more the line in the sand. Your husband may have panicked a bit over getting married etc but now that he's married w/ his family, he's past all that. That's how I look at it - my family is now way more important than all the "fun" I used to have. I know some people will think that's horrible but people are wired differently. Because I'm wired this way, if I found out my husband cheated on me before we were married, I wouldn't care so long as it wasn't ongoing. We weren't married then, we weren't a family then. Now we are and I trust he values that as much as I do and won't jeaporize it for short-term pleasure. If you've been happy for 6 years, please do your best to put this in the past. It really doesn't have to mean anything. As one mom wrote, does she think she's the only woman her husband will ever look at or even want? No. But that's ok bc commitment is what counts and someone mature enough to know the difference. Also - I have several good male friends. I always have. And one's wife calls me his "work wife". There's NOTHING to it. We actually probably help each others marriages by being an outlet, a voice of reason etc. Sure- if my husband was hanging out w/ a super attractive, single woman a lot, that would be too much. But don't be jealous of just anyone of the opposite sex.

I actually applaud you for working on it -- I know it's hard. He should also understand that he broke your trust and that's a big part of the relationship. So, I think it might help if he also took pains to reassure you -- that doesn't mean that he can't have female friends, but he needs to be open about what he's doing and talk with you about those friends. Also, you have to let go of being afraid that he will cheat, I think. No one can ever be 100% sure that their partner won't cheat, so you are in the same situation as the rest of us. But, the attitude has to be, that unless you know he's cheating, you don't have to deal with the issue. In other words, cheating is not something you can prevent. If it happens, then you will deal with it -- it is just like every other risk we take in life on a daily basis. I do think it's damaging to your relationship that you can't ever leave the kids and go out. I can understand the anxiety over babysitters; however, there might be someone that you could trust.

My bestfriend went through a very similiar situation and had a very hard time trusting her man again, and her not trusting him just caused her to get angry with him leading to him angry at her causing a big fight over nothing. She would always cry about what was happening and didnt want to ruin her relationship. So like i told her i'll tell you....... If still love him after what happened, and you want to stay together then you need to give him your trust again.... I know its hard (believe me i know) but if you dont it will just tear you guys apart. When you do feel suspicsions coming on try to tell yourself not to worry so much. If something is REALLY bothering you try talking to him about it, without getting angry. Let him know nthat sometimes you need reasurance that he loves you and only wants to be with you. As for going out every once and awhile i personally think that would be great for you guys. there has to be someone that he trust to watch your children for atleast an hour or two so that you guys can have some time for eachother..... Hope this helps, and best of luck to you and your husband!!!!!! P.S. no one needs to judge you on you following your heart and if they do dont even let it get to you.....

it would be a tough row to hoe, gaining trust back after a breach that hurtful. so it's not surprising that you're struggling with it. i'm glad you both seem to be approaching it honestly and together.
the words 'trust' is peppered throughout your post. it's such a big deal. sometimes we have to behave as if we have it, even if it's shaky. it's natural for your mind to jump to the Bad Place when he's around a new female friend, but that doesn't mean you have to beat him over the head with it. conversely, he should be smart enough to handle his friendships with women carefully and always with consideration to how it affects you.
like, limiting them.
but it's interesting to me that this fellow who is working hard to earn back trust has decided that ALL babysitters are not worthy of trust. what's up with that? your relationship, which is still somewhat in crisis mode, NEEDS time for just the two of you. needs it very very much. so he needs to suck it up (much as you're doing!) and figure out how to 'trust' a good babysitter and spend some quality time alone with his wife gazing into her eyes and letting her know that she is his muse, his love, the only woman he wants. hard to do with babies all around.
while you're working on YOUR trust issues (which have foundation) he needs to work on his (which are irrational and hurting your marriage in a completely different way.)
if you keep refighting the same fight and reliving the pain, it's not healing. you need to find ways to work through this, not to make it go away but to make forward progress. journaling, a daily discussion with your husband about where you are with it (if he's able to do that, one doesn't want to keep kicking him either), giving yourself small goals to attain, or seeing a counselor could all help with that.
good luck!
khairete
S.

It will take time. However long it takes is how long it takes. He made the mess and he has to clean it up-that means being patient with you for whatever time period it takes for you to get through this and allow him to EARN his trust again. He needs to prove himself to you. Don't give up, keep your communication open and see if maybe MIL or grandma can watch the baby while you two go out? Or try sittersplace.com for a great babysitter. You never know, he may find one that he trusts. Best wishes!

Molly

Poor thing, who would blame you for your feelings or if you went through his email, cell phone bill or glued a body mike on him? Forgiving is a choice-forgetting is impossible. You can't unring a bell, that's all there is to it. When there is a baby involved, I admire your strength to keep your family together-the work is always going to have to come from you. I do think that he should be trying harder to make you feel secure-cherished and loved-I think if he tried as hard as you are , you would someday be able to get past everything-and he should be tripping over himself to do it, because you are the mother of his child and you are WORTH it!.

I believe in order for a marriage to move forward you would at some point have to choose blind faith again. It may be a daily choice but it would be your choice. It's not going to work if you are holding this against him over and over. He will make a decision for you in time if it continues.
I really suggest some consul ling. If not for you both then just for you if you haven't already. You need to be validated for the feelings that you are having to then make a decision to move forward or quit the relationship. I don't think you can just pretend it never happened and be able make your relationship what it once was. Both of you need to be willing and open to make it work and move forward.
Best Regards,
C.

My husband and I have a "tit for tat" rule about free time. If he goes out with friends one night and I take care of the kids, then I get a night where he takes care of the kids. I think you need adult time with friends, have fun without him around to feel good about yourself again,. Then you will focus less on jealousy and more on what he does offer you. Maybe make a pros/cons list about him, and hopefully the pros outweigh the cons.