Grandmother Playing Favorites

I am so sorry that you are learning the truth.
I suggest you ask your mother to see a therapist to help her work through the difference of not caring for your husband, not affect her love of her own grandchild..

My husband and his mom ended up going to counseling after years of her treating her daughter as the favorite. My husband said as a boy he did not notice, but in his teens it was becoming more obvious. At his sisters wedding it hit him like a ton of bricks. It was obvious his mother really did care for his sister as a favorite.

He was devastated.
A few weeks later when he confronted her, these are the things she told him. "She (her daughter)needs more emotional support. She has different priorities and needs more. You are so self sufficient, you don't really need or want the nice things she does."

He told her that she was "under the wrong impressions". They eventually went to therapy.

Her reasoning to the Therapist was "Mothers are always closer t their sons.

The Therapist told her "no, that mothers that give more attention or affection to one child over the other... It is their CHOICE."

So the therapist asked her. "Is it your choice to favor your daughter over your son?" Her answer was yes.

The Therapist then asked my husband. "Can you live with this?" He said yes, it had always been this way at least now it had been verbalized. That was the bottom line.. It was not going to change..

Once our daughter graduated from high school, I cut off all ties with MIL.. I told her
"I love my husband and daughter too much to be witness to her neglect and favoritism of her daughter and her daughters children".. I encourage my husband and daughter to see my husbands parents any time they want, but I am done with it..

We only have one but my husband I discussed this because my MIL has a preference for boys and we have a girl, so if we had a 2nd and it was boy we would have the issue.

The answer we came to, simple yet so very difficult is that if she shows any favoritism she does not get to see either.

We only had one brief moment when the whole family was together and she paid a lot more attention to her grandson (an adult) and the dog - she offered them both cake and completly ignored her grandaughter who asked her for the cake - but since we are rarely all together we decided to just say that Grandma must have forgotten -silly Grandma.

I will say a prayer for your family.

I think your assumption about your mother not liking Jay because she doesn't like your fiance is absolutely right. But there is nothing you can do about that. I think you made a big step in the right direction by talking to your mother about it. It will crush Jay when he's older if Grandma only loves Wyatt. So yes, tell your mom that she is welcome to come over to your house and spend time her grandsonS. But don't allow her to continue to take Wyatt out for special outings and such while Jay gets treated like a second-class citizen. If she only wants to take one at a time tell her she has to rotate. Wyatt's turn, now Jay's turn, etc. If she finds that disagreeable then you know that she really doesn't like your son and that you don't want that negative attitude wreaking havoc in your family. At that point I would keep her contact to a minimum. But you must nip this in the bud now, before your boys are old enough to remember.

WOW!! I would'nt let her take either of them at this point. If she is actually saying all this to you, why would you want her to take Jay. My dad did play favorites also. The others felt it in a big way because he was just a obvious as your mom. It just so happen my dad favored my two oldest children at the time. I always told him do not favor them over his other grandchildren. I feel bad for your children when this happens. I not a good feeling being left out!

I really don't know how to answer this but i know that its got be very disheartening. you are in my prayers!

My soon to be Ex MIL plays favorite with our kids too. My oldest is awesome, my middle is so-so, and my youngest is none existent because he is a boy! When my oldest was born she was all over her, when my youngest daughter was born she said I dont like babies, now that my son is 9 weeks old she doesnt care cause he is a boy, her words! Since my husband and I are getting divorced I told him enough, if she cant be fair to all she wont see any! My girls know how she is and it really bothers both of them(they are 6 and 5) my oldest gives my youngest her presents and my youngest daughter asks why grandma doesnt like her! I would tell her she cant and wont do it anymore, and stick to it! Good luck!

I would make it clear that yes, she has to take jay if she takes Wyatt. That if she can only take one than she needs to alternate, and that you will not allow her to make one of your children feel left out and unloved. It would be better to have Grandma out of both children's lives than to allow her to make one feel like he is less. Good for you for standing up for your children!

I don't know how to answer either, but I can say you need to do what is best for "your family", I know how hard it is and saying let it go will not work I know. My mother in law told me the other day she "likes" our sons, she loves her granddaughters, but only likes her grandsons, so believe me I understand, and I know how you feel! How does your future in-laws treat the two?? I called my parents and told them thank you for not treating any of their grandchildren any different (they have 21 of them) and also for loving ours! Go with what you have, love them and show them love, they will figure out on their own when they are old enough, I know that part too, our sons are 30 and 27 and they are close to my parents and no so to my husbands mother who always kind of pushed them away.

My mother has played so many games regarding my children, there is not enough room here to list. At first, I would let her know that her remarks and actions were not appropriate -- similar to you, giving your mother your concerns and allowing her the opportunity to fix her mistakes.

For me and my kids, my mother initially showed some effort but quickly went back to doing and saying things that I could not allow my children to be subjected to. So, I reminded her again of my concerns and provided her the examples I felt were not fair to my kids. I told her what I expected she change. Her response, of course, was that she was too old to change.

I let her know that I would always let my children know that she was their grandmother. Nothing I would say to them would be negative about her. However, it is her choice what kind of relationship she wants with them. I left the ball in her court, she could see them whenever she wanted but needed to be mindful of her actions -- another chance was given.

Again, she failed.

Although I let her know that she is welcome to see my kids and I always tell them she is their grandmother, she does not make the effort to see them often. Last year, she came to stay the night once around Thanksgiving time. It was great because I did not hear one awful comment from her. I can tell it is hard for her that my kids don't know her, but I assured her when she was here that she has every opportunity to have relationships with them all. The way I see it, if she cannot watch her actions and words that I tell her will hurt them, then they are not important enough to her. I have always left the choice up to her whether she wants to be a part of my kids' lives.

Like my mother whom my children do not know other than by "Grandma", it is your mother's loss that she does not have a relationship with Jay. Exactly that, it is her loss. It is my responsibility to remove negative influences around my children, if it is in my power.

Best wishes!

Perhaps in her eyes she is telling the truth. Maybe she's past the 'baby' stage.

If you really want to upset yourself and test it, take Wyatt out somewhere and ask your mom to stay with Jay.

We have a similar situation with extended family. I've drawn the line in the sand many times to stand up for my kids, and I honestly think that they don't see it, even though every other parent in the family does.
'Can't we just call the toys at your house, that have always been at your house, and have NEVER made it to T's house Papa's toys, not T's toys'.
'Well, I guess, except for the ones that we specifically bought for T...'
'Um, that's 90% of the toys.'

I do know this - a 3 year old is much easier than any 1 year old - most 3 year old can walk everywhere and can listen pretty good - most 1 year olds have to be carried, fed, put down for naps etc, also they are not so much fun, a 3 year old can play at the park, go to MCdonalds etc - I would bet that your mother will change as your little one gets older, maybe just tell her they are a package deal, you take one, you take both, it frees you up for a few hours so you can get some stuff done, and she gets both her grandkids, I cannot imagine a grandmother not liking a baby, after all he is half you, and she loves you right?

I don't know why some grandmothers do this, but it really doesn't do any good to say anything, in my opinion.
My mom has biological grandkids. My daughter was the first, then my sister's son (my nephew), then my son.
The world has always revolved around my nephew and it's painfully obvious. My kids are well behaved and mannerly, my nephew is trouble on two legs. One time, at her house, he got a steak knife out of the drawer and started "sawing" on my mom's dining room table. She didn't even flinch. If any of the other kids had done that, look out!
It does no good to compare the kids or figure out why. My son is 15 and loves his grandmother very much, but he also knows that no matter what he does, he can never measure up. My mom wouldn't miss one single school event for my nephew, but she has never gone to one thing for my son, none of his band performances, plays, not even his 8th grade graduation. Not one thing. She always says it's too far for her to go. I have lived in the same house for 8 years and she has never been here. But, she will travel 5 hours to go visit my sister and nephew.
My mom and sister went to a family reunion and not only was I not invited, they didn't even tell me about it. "There was no room in the car for me anyway."
Things like that sting.
But, you can't make somebody be thoughtful or equal or fair. I mean, you can try, but you have to wonder if it's worth the energy.
It's probably easier on my kids because as siblings, at least they are treated the same. My mom doesn't choose one above the other. And, she's not a bad grandma, really. She always remembers the kids and sends them cards and things. She doesn't completely leave them out. She does love them. But, it's easy even for them to see the difference. Something she herself, does not see. Or want to see.
Like I said, at least the favoritism isn't between my children.
I might be tempted to say, "Mom, I have TWO children. Maybe we'll just wait on you taking the kids until you think having both won't be too hard on you. The older the boys get, the harder it will be for me to explain why one gets to go with you and the other one doesn't. You may not think you're playing favorites, but my kids are brothers, first and foremost. I have to teach them about being kind to each other and fairness, sharing, and taking turns. I wouldn't feel any differently if you only fawned over the new baby. I understand having both is too hard on you, so if they can't take turns, we'll just wait til they're older and can pretty much take care of themselves when you have them so it's easier on you."

That would get your point across in a way that takes the argument out of it.
Then, she can decide for herself if waiting until they are both older is worth it to her.
It's the best solution, in my opinion. I wouldn't want her taking one of the boys out of "obligation". If she has some reason for her favoritism, you can't force her to have equal feelings. You can force her to take Jayden, but you can't force the feelings.

It will be interesting to see your other responses.
I wish you the best.
Love and enjoy your little boys. They are a true treasure.

I have a 22-year-old and 12-year-old and their cousins are grandpa and grandma's favorites. I say get over it because you can't change it. And really after re-reading your post, your mom's answers to your concerns seem kinda normal. I assume that when Jayden is older she'll take him too. It's hard to handle two kids of that age if you aren't used to it. Maybe Jayden is acting different around your mom because he hears/senses your issues with this.