Oh My Mil

I see two different issues here...first the email...IGNORE IT!!! Act like you never even received it. So what if she doesn't think that your son is going to have a good time....you know he is going to love it so don't even grace that email with a reply or a 2nd thought.
As to the money that she gave your son...I would have immediately taken than $20 from him...and said something to the effect "wow...how nice of Grandma to let you kids all pick out something that you want...we will save this until the next time we are ALL at Walmart". Act like you ASSUME it is for all of your children...I mean...what ELSE could she POSSIBLY mean??? Smile sweetly while you are doing this...and then I would figure some other way to get your son home from school on Thursdays!!!
Don't discuss the inequities around your children...they will reach their own conclusions as they grow up. My own MIL couldnt be bothered with my girls when they were little...she was only interested in "bragging rights" when they did something that she thought reflected on what a SUPERB family she had managed to gather around her. Now that they are adults....they couldn't care less about her...but it didn't bother them when they were growing up because we never made a big deal out of it and they had more than enough love and attention from MY Mom!!!

Wow- I usually stick up for the MIL because I have sons and dread the day my DIL is picking apart my every move...but dang-yours is a doozy! So here is what I think you should do-STAND UP TO HER!!!! I know it has to be super difficult for you but it is what must be done. You need to not worry anymore about hurting her feelings...you do not let the bully know she is getting to you and you stand up to her. Research proves that only when the bully realized that they do not have a victim can the bullying stop. So when she gives your one son money and not the other- "Hey-what about junior???" If she gives it to him great and if not you take out some of your own money and say-here you go sweetie-Mommy will give you some money if grandma doesn't want to. And when she bitches about your mom taking DS to Disney-say "well you know what I totally disagree with you, sorry. I think he is going to have a wonderful time." And you say it in the matter of fact way -loud and clear-no hesitiation-looking her square in the eye. Not in a mousy way. And then dismiss it. Treat her this way every time she pulls something. It will get easier with practice-I promise.

I would keep it simple with her.

"Mom, I appreciate all you do for us. When you vent about my mother and what she does for us, it hurts my feelings. I need for you to refrain from doing that. We're not talking about this any more."

"Mom, I know you have some concerns about Bobby going to Disney with my mother. We've heard everything you've said, so thank you. Everything has been taken care of and the decision has been made. We're not talking about this any more."

"Mom, I noticed you gave Gabe some cash although it's not a special occasion. That was really generous of you, thank you. In the future could you be sure to include the other boys so that they don't feel left out? They notice things like that and it hurts their feelings if they're not included unless it's a special occasion like a birthday."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I think she's taking out her jealousy about the other grandma on the kids.

I would talk to your DH and make a rule that extras cannot be doled out to one child in front of the other and if she's spoiling the oldest then you will deal with the disparity if/when necessary. My paternal grandmother was clearly biased toward my sister and it hurt me and drove my mom bonkers. I think she's a rude, mean woman. If your husband overlooks this, remind him about the feelings not only of his other kids, but how damaging it can be for a child to be treated super special by someone....and either feel badly for the sibs (my sister used to give me stuff because she felt bad I didn't get any) or turn into a brat.

I'm sure she's doing you a favor on Thursdays, but I'd be looking for alternatives if it's going to be a problem.

Put on your Momma Bear panties and stand up to this woman. For yourself and your kids.

I agree with everyone you should have "assumed" the money was for both kids. If she says she forgot about your youngest, look very alarmed and bend close and say "are you feeling all right? are you forgetting a lot of things?" Keep telling your husband how concerned you are about his mother. anyone who forgets about one of her own grandchildren is obviously getting senile. My grandmother lived to be 94 and knew every single grandchild and their spouses and all her great grandchildren. Keep nagging him about it but act like you are not complaining about her just worried about her. Eventually he will speak to her about it. If the kids start asking tell them sometimes old people get very forgetful, you'll have to keep reminding her that you are both her grandchildren. Say very sweetly and you remember little Johnny dont you grandmom? Keep treating her like a dottering old fool who needs things explained to her and she may get tired of it and admit she has another grandchild.
(Just to play devils advocate... is it possible she thinks she's making up for an oversight on your part? that she thinks you are favoring the youngest child and she needs to "make up for it" ?

you know what i would have said when she handed that $20 to your oldest? "WOW HONEY, HOW NICE OF GRANDMA TO GIVE YOU BOYS MONEY LIKE THAT! YOU BETTER BOTH TELL HER THANK YOU!" and just look at her. make her be the bad guy, and then let her know that if it's not for both, sorry, but you can't accept it. period. if she decides to press the issue, let her know that unless she can "play nice" with all of them, the oldest is not her property to treat how she pleases. they are ALL her family. end of story. i'm sorry, you are being a LOT nicer about that than i would be. she is treating your younger children terribly - mama bear would be coming out if it was me. unacceptable.

ps i totally agree with mallory - you HAVE to stand up TO her FOR your kids. if you don't, who will? aren't your kids worth it?

You need to tell her she needs to be the Grandma to ALL your children or to none. There is no favoritism - especially at her level - in your household. She needs to know what she is doing to the younger 2 is NOT ok and definitely not going to be acceptable.

As for her email complaining about the other Grandma taking the eldest to DL... let that roll off your back, it's just plain jealousy - after all - she's an old woman too!!

This is someone in your life and you are just going to have to deal with her on your own level.
Ignore the e-mail. Pretend you never even saw it.
I don't mean to sound tit-for-tat, but it sounds like she selectively ignores things.
She could be jealous she isn't taking your son to Disneyland. That's her problem. Don't buy into it.
She hands a little kid a $20....it's up to YOU how it gets spent. I'm assuming it wasn't his birthday and a situation where it would be inappropriate to split the money.
The other thing is that you are letting your oldest go to Disneyland with your own mother. How have you explained why the 4 year old can't go? Or the 3 year old?
The oldest gets a 20 AND Disneyland and you're upset about the $20.
I have kids 10 years apart and believe me, I know as well as anyone that just because they were brother and sister, it didn't mean everything had to be completely equal or was even reasonable.
I'm just saying....don't give your MIL more power than she has and don't make her the bad guy if things aren't "equal" because they can't always be equal. You know that.
Your kids will know that.
If your own mother can't take all the grandkids to Disneyland, and you're not mad about that.......
You're going to have to let it go.
My own mother has shown favoritism for my nephew. Not the first grandkid, not the youngest, not the one that's even nicest to her. Who knows why?
Kids learn to realize it's not a reflection on them. They really do. Especially if they have parents who don't make a huge thing of it.
My grandmother lived to 94. She had 27 great grandchildren. When she was younger, she sewed for every single new baby and as she got older, she was only able to make things maybe for one. It wasn't a matter of one kid being more special. Some kids have things made by her and a lot of them don't.
My point is, they don't have to go through life feeling slighted.
Your kids will be okay if you put things in a healthy perspective for them and worrying about who does what for who is wasted energy.
Your kids are all loved equally even if it doesn't always look like it shakes out that way as far as gifts or trips or a defined amount of attention. They can be okay with it if you can.
Another bit of advice is to not assume that your kids are hurt by every single thing.
You can't handle any other stress..........don't take it on.
Being a mom is hard on so many levels but peace in your home begins with you.

Best wishes.

And where is your husband? Has he read the email? What does he think about the $20.?

What about her ignoring her grandson in the hospital and saying she forgot about him?

I suggest the 2 of you meet with her and remind her how many grandchildren she has and remind her you are raising them to love each other. It is difficult to keep peace when it is sooo obvious she has favorites.

Has she always been this way, or has this behavior just started in the last couple of years?

Could be your husband should explain this favoritism is not like her normal self and he would like to accompany her to her next doctors visit to hve her mental health checked.

FYI, Once our daughter turned 18 and was graduating from High School, My MIL snubbed our daughter so bad, I was done with MIL and SIL. I had tried so hard to please them and work with them, but it was such a hurtful moment to realize they would rather punish me through our daughter than attend her celebrations and accomplishment. They had not attended ANY of her school events in all of the school years. we all live within 15 to 20 minutes of each other and each of her schools and none of the women work. MIL attended a ton of the grandsons events each year. I told my husband and daughter, I wanted them to be close and love the grandmother and Aunt, but I was no longer going to hide their treatment of our family compared to SIL's family. And I have not once wondered, gee I wonder how MIL is doing.
FYI, I have known my husband since we were 13 and been married 30 years. I spent too many years in a front row seat to that mistreatment.

Your husband needs to talk to her - it's his mother, it's his job, and she's causing problems. She's hurting your son's feelings, so too bad if her adult feelings get hurt - she's the adult and she needs to act like one.

Time to talk to your husband and tell him you need some time out from your MIL! Tell him that until she can treat all your children the same there needs to be some distance.

I myself went through this and know how much it hurts. So speak up now otherwise it will only get worse.

You and your husband should talk to her and lay down the law. Including that if she ever pulls anything like handing your older child $20 to buy a toy, that that child will be returning the money or splitting it evenly with younger siblings. You may not be able to change her behavior, but you can make it clear to your kids that in *your* family, everyone is equal and you all share with each other. They should be able to have special outings with grandma, but only if they are all getting one-on-one time now and then.