Grandparent Favortisim

I have to guess that this is SIL's first child.

Is that right? Because if it is -- can you see why grandma is baby-crazy for her daughter's first child? It's not like SIL planned her baby's arrival to grab mom's attention from your baby.

I"m not asking you to love the idea that MIL's like this just now, but just to try to understand it. Many moms are closer to their daughters than their sons, and in that case, grandma is relishing the child of the adult child she's closer to. Is that a possibility you can see? Can you step back enough to take a deep breath and say, hey, this is annoying but understandable? Nervy Girl said, very rightly, that she hopes your MIL can gain some objectivity in time; I hope you can do the same.

It's also a vast leap to assume that she "doesn't like" your last baby. She is smitten with her daughter's kid right now. Polite? No, but are you going to make this a hill to die on? Is it worth a rift if you confront her? She likely has no idea at all that she's being so blatant in your eyes. Let it pass. Your baby has zero idea of being ignored and won't for some time to come. The novelty of SIL's baby may well wear off. Remember, your MIL has done a lot for you as you recognize in your post -- cared for all four of your other kids, shown up for all their events, etc. Your new baby doesn't have events yet and isn't old enough to stay at Grandma's for sleepovers. Wait it out.

Hi S.,

Just wondering-- is this your SIL's first baby? It sounds like grandma is over the moon with her new grandbaby-- and I also wonder if MIL and SIL are really close as well?

It sounds like she's just very caught up in this new baby, and you're noticing this. I will tell you that there are a lot of families with what we'd consider 'grandparent favoritism'. We have this in our family, and I try to remember that *there is really nothing I can do about it*. My son is the last of a line of little boys, he has two caring parents and doesn't live 'close' as do my other nephews, one of which is living with them at the moment. While it's sometimes annoying that our son gets short shrift, I also keep in mind that my son has a great deal of 'friend-family' as it were, people in his life who love him, give him birthday presents, and are helping him to grow into a decent human being. I try to focus on that most of all, because I don't think my folks are doing this maliciously-- they just feel that they need to make up for what the oldest nephew isn't getting from his own parents.

I'm not trying to diminish your feelings-- it does hurt, but what helps us is to NOT point out the inequalities. It's going to be what it's going to be-- in time, he will draw his own conclusions.

For you, I hope that as your SILs baby gets older, that your MIL can take a step back from what's going on and gain a little objectivity. Maybe SIL lets her just go 'baby crazy' and maybe MIL feels really comfortable in their relationship and allowed to do that. Who knows? I don't think there is a KIND way to bring this up, only that you might exercise caution in not doing 'double birthdays' and that sort of thing so that there are less opportunities to do those side-by-side comparisons. And raise your own kids with a strong sense of "what's important"-- not gifts, so much as meaningful moments and time spent together. Good luck.

I want to add: this is only age 1. One year olds, and even two and three year olds really don't notice these inequities. I think it's important NOT to expect that this will be a problem in the future. It may be that your SIL feels uncomfortable about this and says something to her mother and that the dynamic changes as the years go by. The newness will wear off. It sounds like your MIL has really been there for your family, so give her a little time. I also would NOT assume that she doesn't "Like" your new baby. That's a huge assumption and not a healthy one. (Unless you tried to hand baby to her and she looked disgusted-- please don't read dislike into the situation.)

I'm sorry this is happening. I know it's really painful for you, and it's not right for her to ignore her granddaughter at her own birthday party. You and your husband cannot love her enough so that she doesn't notice her cousin getting more gifts and attention from grandma.

While I don't believe it's right to show blatant favoritism, I think there might be something going on here. Is this your SIL's first baby? Your MIL's daughter's first baby? She was probably over there all the time because her daughter was a first time mom and MIL figured SIL could use help/support. She had already watched all of your kids, now it's SIL's turn. Niece may be getting more gifts because MIL is giving five kids bday and holiday gifts at your house, but if your niece is an only, MIL may feel that she can shower more on her. Niece may not get as many gifts once she has a brother and sister.

I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt and I hope that you can talk to MIL in a way that will not offend her, before your daughter notices anything, but it may just be that there's more attention being given if this is her daughter's first and only child.

Nervy Girl said it beautifully!

And of course we all want to shelter our kids from such hurtful behavior (when they are old enough to notice). But the reality is that this stuff happens. And your kids will accept that it is what it is, it isn't about THEM, but about Grandma. They WILL figure that out. If you love them and give them a solid foundation and don't pitch fits and act hurt... just accept that it is what it is... they will, too.

I know it hurts in the meantime.

good luck.

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. I've seen this in my husband's family. His oldest sister has two grown sons, and they each have two kids. She has always been closer to her older son, and his wife. She shows much favortism to him and his kids. Just one example, she hosted baptism parties for both of her older son's kids at her home and paid for everything. When her younger son's second baby was baptized, she offered to bring a veggie tray, and then asked to be reimbursed for it when she got there! I was speechless. She does the same thing as your MIL at family gatherings. She showers attention on older son's kids, while basically ignoring younger sons's kids completely. Younger sons's kids are older and are definitely aware of the unfairness of the situation.

I think you should mention this to MIL in a calm, non-confrontational way. Maybe she's unaware that she's doing it. Maybe if you make her aware, she'll be careful not to act that way in the future.

Your husband is wrong if he thinks your child isn't going to notice that grandma favors everyone over her.

Talk to your SIL. Tell her that it worries you that MIL ignores her other grandchild and that it will make your daughter feel terrible. It can also cause problems between the cousins. Maybe your SIL will talk to her for you and tell her what she is appearing to do here.

If that doesn't work, I would talk to her anyway, regardless of what your husband says. Your youngest is JUST AS IMPORTANT as the older kids. She deserves for you to take up for her.

If MIL simply refuses to see what is real here, then you've done what you can. And that's when you make a decision about what to do next...

it sounds less like she 'doesn't like' your baby and more like she's got a very special connection with your SIL's.
i think the best thing is to stop worrying about it. kids take their cues from their parents. babies don't care if grandma watches her open her presents, and little ones might keep score when it comes to their parents, but not their grandparents.
your MIL sounds just fine overall. let this go.
khairete
S.

The fact that she treats your children (not her biological grand kids) well, speaks volumes. No one is perfect. If you want to rock the boat with how she is treating your new baby, you may regret the outcome.

Very puzzling, and I can see why you are upset. Is the SIL the daughter of this MIL, or is she the daughter-in-law and married to your husband's brother? It shouldn't matter, but I'm just wondering if MIL is more interested in her own daughter's child than in yours? Your SIL referred to your MIL as "Mom" but that could mean anything. It's not right, I'm not suggesting that - but it might be easier to decipher if you had a handle on it.

I think your husband is dreaming when he says you and he can love your baby so much that she won't notice. OF COURSE she will notice! And so with the other kids, including this baby who is just a few weeks older than your daughter.

I really think this is up to your husband, and to some extent any other children of Grandma, to say that they notice this distinct favoritism and they want to know why. Is she excessively worried because that baby was premature? Did your SIL have trouble getting pregnant and/or is this her only child? Does your MIL worry about something in her medical history? Is she trying to make up for the fact that she's taken care of your other 4 and never done anything for your SIL, so now she has to give 4 times the attention to that baby so it's "even"??

If your husband doesn't want to "upset" her, then I'd try to get to bottom of that - is she volatile? Has he always worked around her peculiarities and tried to stay out of her way? Why? If he's not going to stand up for his daughter, he needs to analyze that. He can be direct about it, or you can be more passive and stop inviting her for ALL birthdays (all the kids) because she so obviously isn't interested. You can't control her, but you can control what goes on in your own house. I guess my recommendation would be to sit down with her and discuss it - but she may deny it. If someone has a video camera for the next few get-togethers and can quietly video Grandma, it would be an effective way of proving your point: "Here, Mom, you sat there for 45 minutes at our child's party and only fussed over the other one. Seeing this, if you can do something about it, fine. But if you cannot, or will not, then we won't allow our other children to see this shallow side of you or feel that there is something wrong with their little sister. So we'll keep our birthdays and events more private and low-key from now on so as not to hurt our baby's feelings when you don't show up for her." But I do think it has to be your husband who does the talking, at least most of it.

Good luck - this is a tough one.

Hurtful though it might be, there is little you can do about it. MIL will have to do some soul searching, or improve her behavior, if she chooses to. If the blatant shows of favoritism continue, and they bother you, and your kids ask about them, you can simply say, that MIL is a good person, but it seems she isn't demonstrably loving towards #5. You are sure that MIL loves #5, but sometimes people don't show their love in the manner that we would prefer. Kids, please continue to show love and be respectful to MIL nonetheless.

Best,
F. B.