There are two sides to every story, so I will try to be short, maybe not-so-sweet, but honest.
I broke my foot in May. I have had crutches, a boot, PT - everything, and I do feel a lot better - my foot will still swel, and I will occassionally complaing about it. I wore heels to a wedding last month, and walked waaay to much. But today, for work, I wanted to try small heels - I don't do a lot of walking at owrk. My brilliant little 5 year old said in from of my husband - why are you wearing heels, mommy? (yes, my 5 year old is smarter than me).
So, that's when my lovely morning started. I just wanted to try them out, but I was then call retarded, then F**ing retarded, so I got mad and threw the heels off (ok - not the best choice, but I was pissed at being called names, and probably secretly wanted to nail him in the head). Before work, I texted him that I've had a rough go with this injusry, I don't like how my activity has been limited, I've gained weight, can that calling me that wasn't constructive and put me on the defensive. Back and forth through text (I know that sounds lame, but I didn't want to call - I don't know which is worse - complaning to your spouse on the phone at work or texting - but with me, writing keeps me from blowing up or weeping out of frustration).
He holds grudges, and tells me to grow up, he can't reason with me, and it pains him to expect his wife to act like an adult, because in this one incident this morning he gave a list of allllll other things he perceives me as stubborn with. I am just so frustrated, but do I really have to be called names over this? I was trying to be constructive with my words and admitted that I reacted innappropriately, but I'm thinking this will just go on his 'list' of how I 'need to grow up'. Do a lot of husbands hold grudges like this?
Everytime I vent on here I feel like a needy little girl - so thank you so far for your comments. Marital counseling - done that. Individual counseling - tried that - the last one I went to was good, but his schedule is so random that I feel it's not productive. My daughter saw me toss the shoes )my bad, again), don't know what she heard. She was in a great mood when I dropped her off at school, so I don't think she heard anything. He puts me down a lot - it's apparently my 'pattern' that starts these arguments. I am really trying to modify my reaction so he won't get a rise out of me - victim/persecutor vs. creator/challenger (Drama Triangle session from work of all things that really hit home)
Um if my husband called me "f*cking retarded" I WOULD have hit him with the shoe. Regardless of how immature he felt you were acting that's not really a reason to call you names. Could he not have said "Now, honey, remember last month? Do you really want to try heels again so soon? Why don't you wait a while longer?" Duh. Good luck.
Parts of his anatomy would be missing....
If this is a pattern of behavior for either/both of you, then you need to address this directly. It's not OK to talk to eachother like this EVER, let alone in front of your child.
No, my husband doesn't hold grudges. We'll have an argument in the morning and he'll call me at 10:00 to say hello and ask me some random question. I'll still be annoyed, but he's over it.
No, this is NOT normal behavior in a relationship.
I've picked up on a couple of things you've said. Calling you names? Saying that you aren't acting like an adult? Saying you're stubborn because your choices aren't HIS?
Please see this site. Perhaps I'm way off base (please you don't get mad if I am), but I really don't think so.
Wow, R., just........ *wow*.
First, I gotta say, I can't believe there is anyone in the world with over a 2nd grade education that actually uses the word 'retard' anymore.
Your choice of footwear is YOUR decision.
YOU have the injury.
YOU know how your foot feels.
Why in the world would he care beyond a possible "are those going to hurt you, hon?" or "hope those don't hurt your feet" comment?
I hope you hit him right between the eyes with a small heel.
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No, I don't think most husbands hold grudges or act in that manner. I have never in 15+ years of marriage been called a derogatory name by my husband. I even accidentally broke his toe on one occasion, I side swiped his car in the driveway while he was in my car with me, and one really bad time I racked up close to $400 in bounced check fees. I am sure there are countless other silly thing I have done, but he has never brought any of those things up...when they were over they were over...in the past.
My husband has questioned my choice in shoes before because I injured my back last year and heels were a big no-no. He told me one pair I had on might be too hard on my back and he would really like to see me pick a different pair. Because he would hate it if I re-injured myself. He said it sweetly and with my best interest at heart.
I am not sure what to tell you to do because if my husband had ever called me names before we married he would not be my husband. If he suddenly started calling me names now, he wouldn't be my husband for very long.
Um, seriously? Your husband called you f*c*ing retarded? And you are still speaking to him? I can't even imagine...
Sounds like you guys have a lot to work out together. And hopefully all of this isn't going on in front of your child. Good luck!
This is not right. EVER. Dropping putdowns like that is just wrong and for him to say you need to grow up is the pot calling the kettle black! Yes, throwing your shoes in a fit of rage was inappropriate, but owning up to it is the adult part, which you did. We all lose it every once in awhile, so don't beat yourself up too much. He needs to realize that he is a big part of this problem and you both need to work on solving it. I would continue to find some sort of counseling situation either through an agency or even a church. Many churches have a lot of great programs and workshops to help with this sort of thing. To answer your question, no, my husband doesn't tend to hold grudges. We both are more likely to give the silent treatment until we are ready to discuss whatever caused conflict in the first place, but he has never used words like that to anyone. Good luck and I hope everything gets better for you!
God Bless,
A.
I know this isn't good but there are couples who fight and call each other names and it's not the end of the world. I know it's not optimal etc but maybe chalk it up to a case of the Monday's for everyone. And in fairness, how much have you complained about your foot? I know when my husband eats something he knows will upset his stomach and then I have to hear about it later and it impacts how much he can do to help at home, I get mad too. Sure, "honey, will that hurt your foot?" is much better. But you both threw tantrums and acted childish. Let it go and try not to let it ruin your day. I bet by tonight, your husband will be over it. Men tend to move on much quicker than women. You're doing the right thing but not reacting when he does this other times though. A couple who went through counseling said they've learned to say "was that the best way to say that?" Try your best next time he calls you a f'n retard to say that to him. It works to kind of stop people in their tracks...
I probably would have gone ballistic if my husband had called me "FN retarded" and if he did it in front of our child, that would have added a whole new negative dimension to the ugliness. Of course you don't deserve to be called names like that. I think you and your husband need to begin working on your communication with one another in a real way.
no, he needs to grow up!!! based soley on the info you gave here, he seems to be pretty immature and verbally abusive. tell him to ship up!
