Help! Husband’s Cousin Visiting Too much....what Else Can I Do?

You don't have a cousin problem.

You have a husband problem. A very serious marriage issue. You and your husband don't share the same values for family and parenting, you don't have a communication style that is productive, and he dismissed your feelings because he would rather be a party boy with his cousin.

Get a marriage counselor immediately. Go alone - don't expect your husband to go or acknowledge your needs. Stop throwing the cousin a bone for "every other weekend." The cousin is your husband's primary relationship, and you are a single parent.

I would also take the baby and go away for a week or two to anyone who can help and support you - your parents, your best friend, your college roommate. Anyone who will put you and the baby first. If your husband wakes up and misses you, great. If he doesn't, you have another issue to discuss with the counselor. But I think, for the time being, that your discussions with your husband are not fruitful. If he wakes up and comes to counseling, fine. I know you are tired and I know you can't think of one more thing to do. But I would absolutely stop the family gatherings on his side and stop being such a good sport because you're very close to being a doormat.

I'd be tempted to do two things.

First, the next time the cousin is over, I'd put the baby in a baby seat or in the stroller right next to the video game console, where your husband and his cousin are playing. Leave a stocked diaper bag or a basket (diapers, wipes, bottle full of breast milk, change of baby clothes) and calmly walk out the door. Go get your nails or hair done, or simply walk through a park or mall or shops, whatever pleases you. Come back after a couple of hours. The baby should be fed, changed, clean and happy. Your husband and his cousin, probably not so much.

And second, after your husband's cousin goes home, leaving the guest room a mess, just shut the door and don't give it a minute's thought. When he comes again, instead of a welcoming neat room, he'll find the rumpled sheets, the towel on the floor, everything just as he left it. Oh, and after the grilling on Sunday night? Stack those dishes and pans and grilling utensils in a dishpan and leave them for the following Sunday.

Stop making this constant guest feel so accommodated.

Your husband may need a more concrete reminder about being a dad than just discussing it.

Your husband is the problem.
He doesn't realize he's married and what that means.
He's not setting boundaries.
Get some marriage counseling.
Or pack up the baby and move in with your Mom for awhile.

If it were me? Once per month would be plenty.
And every other month means they get together at cousins place - not always at your house.
Get rid of the spare bedroom / spare bed.
Empty it - make it a play room for the baby or a sewing room or hobby room or exercise room.
Oh - you can always leave the baby with Hubby while you have some time off to pamper yourself for a bit - go see a movie for or meet with friends for coffee - he's a parent too and should be handling some hands on time with his kid instead of playing around with his cousin all the time.

the cousin isn't the problem. the problem is that you're married to a man who still wants to act like a teenager. all night video gaming is a great thing once every couple of months, but a couple of times a WEEK?

and the cousin isn't even a good houseguest? leaving the guest room a mess for you to deal with every week would be a dealbreaker for me right there.

so the first thing to do is to ask your husband if being married and a father is something he's committed to. if he says yes, then have him prove it by going to counseling. it sounds as if you've been communicating effectively and he's just being a brat and not listening, but on the off chance that it's somewhat on you (and yeah, it usually is), then go and learn better communication tools.

ultimatums rarely work in situations like this. it's smart to lay out your boundaries, and once a month bro bonding nights would be mine, but if he's really as immature and self-centered as he sounds, he'll just get more sulky and resentful over it.

might be a great idea to take the baby and go stay with your family for a month or three, so you can both think hard about whether this is a man with whom you can build a future or not.

sorry you're in this pickle.
khairete
S.

I'm really sorry you moved so far away with this guy, because it doesn't really sound like he wants to be married. I would probably take the baby and go back to family and friends for a few months and think about things. I assume you're young, so PLEASE don't waste your precious youth with a man who isn't fully committed to you. It's not worth it.

Diane is right. You have a husband problem. He doesn't really want to be married. He won't admit that, so he's gaslighting you.

Honestly, I would end up just losing it, holding my baby at my breast and saying flat out to the cousin that he can't come over all the time anymore because I just cannot take having another adult in my house all the time. I would probably start crying and say that I feel like I have a college boyfriend instead of a husband, and that real married adults have boundaries and it doesn't include 3 adults basically living together, including one who doesn't even carry any weight in the house. He leaves his mess for you to clean up and doesn't contribute anything for living expenses even though he basically lives there.

Yes, the you-know-what would hit the fan, but I don't think I would care. You are a new mother and if the family doesn't understand that, I don't think I would care about that either. It might actually work to get the cousin to listen and take a step back. And then you and your husband need to get marriage counseling.

It's kind of a shame that you went ahead and had a baby with him before straightening this mess out. It would have been easier for you to separate. But honestly, your husband needs to learn how to be married to YOU and not to his extended family. I don't think I would be staying in this marriage.

It sounds as if your husband moved you across the country to have playdates and sleepovers with his cousin and the perk is the job stuff. Unless very specialized, you don't usually have to move across the country right out of school. What is his job?

Your situation would make me very angry. His friend comment to you was awful. It's his fault you are there. He sounds immature and like he wants to be single. Married people don't prioritize sleepovers with their BFF over spouse and baby.

I totally agree with you leaving the mess and taking baby back home to family and friends for a while to sort things out in your mind.

I think it's reasonable to have a night out each yourselves (you could do a class, a gym night, or a yoga class - to meet women - not just a mommy/me class), and he could do a night with cousin, and then you could do a date night, and you could have him for a family dinner once in a while. He's doing more with his cousin than you for 'fun' and I suspect that's what is bugging you.

Being a home with you isn't the same as hanging out and having fun. So he seems to be enjoying his time more with cousin. Cousin is leaving mess for you. You're catering to cousin. Husband is now making it seem like you're jealous of cousin. Cousin has become a total issue in your marriage. The problem is husband.

So - say you need one evening a week for you. Get out there and do something you would enjoy - even if it's just to go shopping.

Have your date night. Even if it's watching movie together/Neflix and ordering in. But try to get out once a month (sitter) if you can too. Could be Friday or Sat night. Do it weekly.

If cousin stays overnight, I would only do that once every two weeks - tops. Otherwise your husband can go there once a week during week. Why have it interfere with every weekend?

So if hubby goes there say Weds evening for his weeknight out, then cousin could come for that weekend dinner - but only do it every second week tops.

I would just spread this out so YOU only have to see cousin now and then.

That's what I would do.

Boundaries with cousin will only work if your husband wants them and enforces them.

I would just say I'm tired of your cousin being here all the time - we need to compromise.

Well cousins are family and family should be treated like family and not an honored guest. It is time for you to speak up *** to the cousin *** . Simply tell him he is welcome to come over but not to spend the night. He is expected to clean up after himself.
You are not the household servant this is your house as much as your husband's.