Feeling Under-appreciated :(

I did not read all of the responses, so I apologize if someone already stated this. My only advise and I am in a similar situation is to read Controlling People by Patricia Evans. She has a few other books that are great as well. It may shed some light for you on why you are feeling the way you are. It is normal and I would seek counceling. If you need a recommendation, you can email me.
M.

Dear S.,

I'm serious, download "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin and play the song on the CD player over and over and over every day when he gets home from work.

(Or, if you don't want to go with such an obvious approach, make a mix CD with that song and play it every day when he gets home from work.)

Love and hugs -- you deserve better, hang in there!

Men never understand what it takes to run a house unless they are forced to do it. the best way for him to appreciate it is for you to take a trip. just a weekend with out the kids and leave him to tend everything...or...don't do anything for a whole day and when he asks what is going on tell him that you decided to not do everything that you usually do in a day so he can see the difference. It worked great for my husband and he said now he has a new healthy respect for me. I am a stay at home mom of 6 and my house is almost never spotless. good luck.

That's absolutely crazy! Your story makes me angry enough and then when I read some of the "helpful" posts I get even angrier! Give him more sex for acting like a jerk!!! Yeah and then the next time your 3-year-old has a tantrum give him ice cream! First of all people will treat you however you let them. I'm concerned because your boys are learning from you guys. Do you want them to think that their wives should do everything? I have an 8-year-old and a 22month and I rarely have dinner on the table. I look at it this way, my husband works mon-fri 7:30-5. I work 7 days a week 24hours a day. I'm sure if one of the kids wake up at night he's not taking care of it. I think you need to take off for a weekend and leave him 100% in charge. He needs to know he's not the boss of the family, you are a team. If you do whatever he tells you then he is the boss! Your job right now is to take care of the kids so just do that. Make sure they are happy and then take care of yourself. I don't understand why you should have to take care of him if he's not going to take care of you. You have to do something drastic if you want change since you've already tried everything else...being a good wife and mother, taking care of him, leaving him nice notes...etc. He needs incentive to change because right now he has everything he wants so why would he change?! You do everything so he can sit around and if he gets mad about anything you work harder. Also, why would he go to counseling? Then someone will tell him to step up and be a man, he doesn't want that and I'm sure he knows that's what would happen. So your only hope as I see it is to stop being his maid and do your job, be a mother to the kids. Obviously things will get worse with him before they get better but if you keep doing what you are doing or God forbid reward him for treating you badly then you know for sure nothing will change. You are amazing! What you do is above and beyond what is necessary so if he's not erecting a statue in your honor then he's a fool! You could be my wife any day:)
God Bless!!!
-B

I can totally relate to what you are feeling and going through. It sounds like you are married to my ex-husband! I tried for almost 23 years to make him happy, and no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. There was even a period of time that he was unemployed, and I was working full time, when I would come home from work and he would complain because the house was dirty and there wasn't anything planned for dinner! That was when I realized just how selfish he was, and that it wouldn't matter what I did, he still wouldn't be happy. I read a book then called "Love is a Choice" and it made a tremendous difference in my life. He needs to choose to be happy in, by, and of himself, before he will be happy with you or anyone else. We also went the route of counseling, and he actually told the counselor that he didn't have a problem, it was everyone else around him, and they made his life miserable! When I finally decided to quit trying to make him happy and just concentrate on being happy myself, that was when he left. We divorced shortly after that, and he remained single for less than a year. What I am trying to tell you is to quit beating yourself up because of what he is telling you. You are a good person, and doing the best you can with the hand that you have been dealt. Go ahead and tell him you appreciate it when he helps around the house and with the kids, but don't expect it to make him change, because he probably won't. It sounds to me like you are doing the same things I did, and blaming yourself for him not being happy. What I finally realized in my situation is that I enabled him to treat me the way he did; when I started changing, he didn't like it and left. I just wish I had realized it a lot sooner, because in the long run, I ended up with very little self appreciation and negative self image because he had influenced me in that way. I guess what I am trying to say is don't let this go on for too long, because not only will you suffer, but your kids will, too. I don't know if I have helped or not, but just realize that you are not in the boat alone--there are other women out there who feel just as you do.

Hello, S.,

Boy, you've kind of described the last few years of my life, though my husband was more restrained about expressing his disapproval. Still it felt like this constant cloud of criticism and resentment. Made me wonder if I was in fact worthless.

We are in the process of divorcing now.

I wish I had pushed the counseling issue harder than I did. We did go for a couple of months to a not-very-helpful counselor. Then went to a much better counselor right at the end, but by then everything was unravelling...

The funny thing is I do miss my husband, even though I'm not always sure why. I think it's partly something tweaked in me psychologically, that I'm kind of addicted to trying to please this guy who my experience kept telling me was unpleasable. (It does keep you busy, trying and trying.) Also, he wasn't all bad. My daughter and I miss him for good reasons too.

My advice would be to push the counseling. And if you can't get him to walk in the door as a way of taking responsibility for his own part, perhaps you could (a bit slyly, I admit) state that it seems that he has some things that are making him unhappy in the relationship, and perhaps a counselor could help you two make a plan that will help him be more satisfied. Then, once you get to counseling, of course, you should also have a role in asking for what you need.

I waited and bought time, and didn't press the envelope in my marriage, because I valued my relationship with my daughter, and my time with her, and gosh, because I was so caught up in the dailiness of life as a mom. She is now four and a half years old. I think I feared that counseling would just push us faster to divorce. So it wasn't just my husband who was resistant to it.

Another thing I wonder about now is whether I could have helped my position and respect from my husband by keeping some sort of log of my daily activities, something that I could show to my husband and discuss with him. I don't know if this would help engender respect from a husband, or just give a man more ammo for treating you like a subservient employee. I guess my thought about it is that I think my work came across to my husband as a lot of nothing, and perhaps a list of the days activities, and how much time they took, would help to prove that you are indeed working.

But I don't know where this all leads. Geez, you're a mom of two young kids. You actually SHOULDN'T be working every waking moment of the day, you should be doing things that refresh and recharge and renew yourself. And create joy for you and your kids.

Boy, I'm rambling on. I sure don't have all the answers. I just empathize with the pain of your position. And I hope you have some people in your life who do see you and value you and respect you.

This is kind of random, but I read a book called Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi. She was this professor who ended up getting ousted from her job for her politics, essentially, for standing up for women's rights. She endured several years of being home without work, due to Iran's repressive regime. What was striking to me is that she used her time to do a lot of reading, which ultimately helped her. I think she now teaches at Columbia University. What I'm coming around to saying is that, if your present life is oppressive and a cage, try to carve out something to do with some of your time that feeds your soul, builds your career goals, or otherwise supports you.

May you be blessed on your journey.

S.

Would he swim through shark invested water to bring you a lemonade? (Smile.) What I mean is, is he a selfish narcissistic SOB who genuinely doesn't give a darn about you and wouldn't go out of his way to do anything that would benefit you?

(And, oh my gosh, am I desperately hoping that your answer to the first question is yes and the answer to the second question is a resounding NO because otherwise, my next question would be why on earth would you be with someone like this!)

If he's basically a good guy (but maybe feeling neglected because his wife is now someone else's Mom), then maybe you could start attending counseling alone . . . but then let him know that the counselor thinks it would help you work through your issues with his help. (It's an ego saving thing. He's not going to counseling for himself, he's going for YOU.)

Good luck and hang in there!

(I thought Camille's advice was really good, too. You might try: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. Just the fact that I READ that book made my husband feel so special!)

Our generation of women is in quite a pickel right now isn't it? We have been told we can have it all. But because our husbands grew up with mothers in the generation before us many enter into the marriage with those expectations. So now, wether we meant to or not, we are still cooking and cleaning up after our husbands. My husband is not a sexist person, but I can honestly say that it simply does not occur to him that he should clean the bathroom this week or vacuum the floor under the kitchen table (where there are A LOT of crumbs). In fact, I was quite proud of myself when he noted that something was dirty and I smiled, gave him a kiss and said "well, I guess you better clean it then." Of course, suddenly it didn't seem quite so bothersom, but the point was made.

I personally think that you going to a Marriage Encounter or PAIRS for Couples class would be very good. A marriage doesn't have to be in trouble for someone to have a third party help them communicate better. So, perhaps if it was brought up like, "I would like us to attend this together so that we can communicate better as a team" would ease his fears of being under attack at counseling.

Good luck!

Dear S.,
First of all, I wanted to tell you you are doing a wonderful job. I have one 15-month-old son and I only manage to make dinner 2-3 night per week. When my husband asks, "What's for dinner?", I say, "You are on your own tonight." He'll then proceed to run to Subway or Qdoba Grill to get something for both of us. When I make dinner it's a pleasant surprise, not an expectation.
I would suggest you start doing less, not more. It would be helpful for you to get away for the weekend (Friday and Saturday nights) leaving him to do everything - feeding the kids, changing diapers, keeping them entertained - all while trying to take a shower and eat himself. You need to make a statement that you are serious about this. Don't spend a lot of money. For example, if you have family in town, just make something up - like your mother is ill and needs you for the weekend. I guarantee your husband we'll be counting the minutes until you get home. He needs to learn that staying home IS a full time job & a hard one. To be honest, I work part-time because I need a break. I find it is easier to work than to stay home with my son. You are being under-appreciated. Also don't ask him if you can get away, just inform him of the fact. Good luck!

I printed the word slave across my forehead and went about my business. Next, I went quietly on strike. It worked, for awhile. Many men expect mothers, not wives. Hard to be sexy when that is an attitude. You might find a mothers group for support.

Hmmm, sounds to me like he needs to spend more time with the kids and you need to get out of the house. You say you like learning... I would suggest learning a new hobby like how to knit. There are social groups that get together in the evening to do this. You would make new friends, connect with other moms, and get a much-needed break. Also, you would feel productive on your own terms and craft communities are very supportive with praise and encouragement. When your husband is in charge of dinner and taking care of the kids for even one night a week, he should have a lot more appreciation for what you do. You deserve some time for you!

It sounds like you have 3 boys you are taking care of. He needs to start acting like a man and take some responsibility in his home. It is not ok to let him belittle you and treat you as a child.
Try stop catering to his every need. So what if there is a crumb on the floor. Let him know if he keeps bickering you will do less, until he is more respectful of you. You are not his slave or hired help, but his wife.
It is manipulative of him to say you don't appreciate him. You could say if I didn't appreciate and love you than why would I have put up with your unreasonable demands and bent over backwards all these years.

I tell you what, military and from the south or not, there is NO excuse for how he is treating you! I am from the south and the men in my life were taught to respect women!
I am a full time SAHM and have been for almost 4 years and our house is NEVER spotless. That's not what is important! Don't get me wrong, it is clean, but most of the time not everything is clean at once and there are for sure some crumbs on the floor somewhere! My husband would never EVER dream of speaking to me that way! Ever! He absolutly helps with house work and the kids! It is a partnership! My husband was in the military and he is a cop and his job does not affect how he treats me..
That is incredibly disrespectful of your husband and it is your job to not accept it!

Sounds like you need to go on a week long vacation by yourself and watch Daddy handle the kids, house and everything by himself. He won't be so quick to criticize after that.

I've done it, and it helped a lot.

This may seem like anti-advice, but have you tried having more sex with him, being sexy, and smiling a lot? Do you flirt with him? Do YOU compliment him everyday for being such a good provider? or do you nag him? The notes and lumch would be great, if he were your girlfriend!

Try tohave more sex with him and flirt with him for a week and see if he continues to nit pick your housekeeping. Chances are, he'll feel more loving and available. Men need their women to be available to them sexually.

Yes, even if you don't feel like it, it's all in your head.

Good luck.

Have you been spying on my home? This sounds a lot like my husband. It could be the way he was raised (if his mom did everything for him, he may expect the same from you). It is hard to feel that way. I have found that I just need to focus on myself (after all, isn't he focusing on his self and his needs?). After a long day with the kids and being cooped up in the house it is nice to go out after dinner is done and window shop, go to a movie or visit friends. Try doing this some night. I figure he must be able to handle the kids by himself if you are gone all day on Saturdays. Just make plans, set a date with yourself and go out maybe once a week. He may not be vocal in his appreciation, so don't expect it and maybe things will change. Maybe they won't. As one mamasource member told me, you can only make yourself happy. Make that your focus, if you are content with your house and its crumbs, that is all that matters. If he comments on a crumb on the floor, hand him a broom. Maybe he'll get the hint. Good luck to you. I recognize your anguish and sympathize. Just raise your kids to be appreciative and helpful, we gotta stop the cycle! - T.

I know that you have a lot of responses already, but I had to just chime in to be supportive as well. You have to teach some people how to treat you. If his tendency is to be mentally abusive (that IS what he's doing by exerting this level of control), he's not going to change on his own. By going along with it and trying everything to please him, you are letting him get away with it. Think about the example that you are setting for your kids. By not contradicting your husband, you are teaching these boys that this is the way it should be. They will idolize their dad, as all boys do, and end up being just like him. Is this what you want for your kids? Get some counseling and stand up for yourself, you deserve to be happy.

I think the 6th year was the toughest for us too. When I was having the most difficult time, I went to an older woman who had been married a long time and had a strong marriage to ask her advise. She met with me even weekly for a while until I got out of the pit I was in. She taught me to throw my expectations out the window, and instead of relying on him for my happiness, I began trying to make him happy. Trying to appreciate him and if I had no expectations, I couldn't be disappointed. This helped my tremendously. It's the old golden rule. I treated him the way I wanted to be treated, and he followed suit. My kids will always benefit from this change. I can see how my changing helped him to change and will help my kids in their marriages someday.

One of the best ways to disarm someone who is complaining about your performance is to say "Gosh...I'm so sorry I missed that..." no sarcasm, just fix the problem. You'll notice that as you begin doing this, your husband will become more thankful, graceful and complain less. It sheds light on his own selfishness. People always say they'd do anything for their kids, even endure torture or whatever, but then half of us get divorced over much less. If you look at this as a challenge....a challenge for you to make your marriage a wonderful one, I think you will get through this time. Now things are much different for us...when I'm in a valley, feeling down or ungrateful, my husband pulls me out of it. He has learned as I have. It took time, but I love our marriage now. He does too. Funny how all my years of training in psychology couldn't help my marriage...but a wise older woman could.

Hi S.:

I have the impression from your request that he has been demanding all through the six years of yor marriage. Since you are working as well, suggest a role swap once you return to working full-time (or you could sub for a week). Ask him to take off for a week, take care of the kids and the house while you work. If he is able to keep the house impecable to his standards, meet all the needs of the boys and doesn't miss any appointments, etc. then he's superman. I bet he can't and maybe learn to appreciate what you are doing.

If he doesn't want to do that experiment, keeps nagging and doesn't agree to therapy, I don't know, then it's up to you to decide whether you can put up with it (don't expect him to change) or become proactive.

wow, it sounds you do alot~! he should totally appriciate all you do! if he felt differently when you were working full time, I would say that he thinks that you are doing your share since hes paying the bills. I don't do nearly what you do, but i'm working full time still, i'm 25 weeks along. We constantly have this arguement about him not doing his share of the housework, which I believe should be 50/50!!!!

I think that if you stop doing all of what you do, he will start to appriciate you more!!!

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

good luck and let us know what happens.

HI S.,
The best advise I can give you is, dont let his attitide damper what you are doing. You are a very "normal" woman, and mother. Sometimes I think men think of women as the maid on the Jetsons. Your purpose on this earth, is to give love to your children, and even more to yourself. It is hard to give some advise with not being there to see the situation, but from what I can tell, is that you are working very hard to do the right thing for your family. I have many friends that feel the same way you do. I think if men were to switch places for a day, they would appreciate what stay at home moms do. Maybe you should take a road trip, or an overnighter for a couple days, and show him what you do. I think he would then see how really hard it is.
Just keep doing what you are doing with pride. Ignore his remarks. If you keep your head high, he will see what is shining through you.

Wow! You have a ton of advice! Here's my fifty cents. From what you have shared above, you are an amazing wife and mother. You need to respectfully teach your husband that it is not okay to treat you this way!!! What do you want and need out of this marriage? Write it down. Have you asked him what he wants out of this marriage? It's time to get a sitter, or someone to watch the kids for an evening, and have a good talk over dinner. Listen to him....is he dealing with something that he hasn't been able to verbalize? Be honest with him....you are not happy, you work your but off, and feel unappreciated! Before attacking all of this, pray for your husband. Pray for your marriage.

Men need respect. Women need love! If one does not give the other what they need, they don't get what they want. In the rare case, some won't ever treat others with respect or love and that is the sign that he's a narcissist and only cares for himself. How is he with your boys? Does he help out at all? If all your husband does is go to work and come home, eat and sit in front of the TV, computer, whatever, he sounds more like a teenager! Spoiled teenagers get to come home after school/work and not do anything else. Dad's go to work, come home and become a part of the family and do work at home like help with other household chores and interact with their wife and children. Everyone needs some time to relax and chill-out. That is very understandable, but are you getting that time? He can help you out with that too. Together, get the kids to bed, so you can have some couple time to chill together! He now has other needs to meet! His responsibilities are not over yet! Don't let him get away with this. You teach him....respectfully....how to treat you. If he is unresponsive, you need to take some sort of action. Through all of this, pray that his heart will be softened to you and that he will be open to what you want to communicate to him. Pray that you will be open to what he has to say and weigh it carefully. Are you taking care of yourself? I know it is hard with little ones, but make sure you are getting some time to yourself. They all need you at your best. You are such an important part of this family! I’ll be praying for you as you work this out. You have addressed some very specific things. It is time to communicate with him and get some stuff out in the open and get this thing on a better path! Don’t take no for an answer. If he’s abusive don’t wait for tomorrow….GET OUT NOW. Not for only you, but most importantly for the boys! They don’t need or deserve to grow up around that….not one single part of it.

God bless you and I hope this goes well for you. Please keep us posted!!!!!!!!

When I started reading this it was like I was reading my own life! I've never not had a full-time job before, but we decided that since my husband makes enough money, I should stay home full time with our 14 month year old son. I too felt very unappreciated. It felt like all I did all day was clean, laundry, make meals, and clean some more, but the house was never clean enough.

Finally we had this blow out argument where I explained to him how my day goes. We wake up, I make breakfast, I clean up after breakfast, I play with our son, then clean that up, etc, etc... I told him that I see the mess, I'll see the dishes that need to be put away, but when I have two minutes to clean, there's another mess, like putting away the 500 books our son spread all over the floor.

Then I asked my husband when was last time he went grocery shopping, cooked, did laundry, or cleaned, and he couldn't think of the last time. My husband told me he would try to be more understanding and instead of getting mad that something was messy he would just clean it himself! We also put him in charge of cleaning the bathrooms, so that he had one chore that I didn't have to worry about.

I don't know if this would work for you, or if you've tried this, but when I walked him through my day and counted for him the number of times I swept, folded laundry, picked up, etc, he seemed to get it. Good luck!

Last Aug. my daughter (25) is a newly-wed to a husband who behaves very similar to your husband, he said it is her problem and she needs to see counseling, not him. He feels that she should be doing better. I don't know who is right. She does not share her counseling session with me, I'd wish I know more what the counselor, it is confidential.

Hi, S.,

I sent you a private message, but I would also recommend that you read anything you can by Patricia Evans. Do a google search for her name in quotation marks, "Patricia Evans," and go to your local library and see if there are any books by her. I HIGHLY recommend it. I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't read one of her books.

Hugs,
S

Hi,
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I must admit my husband is very similar. Although my husband still has a long way to go, he has improved a lot since our baby was born. I have found a few approaches to be helpful. (1) Talking to him and expressing how I felt when my husband is most receptive (Typically Friday night or Saturday morning). In my case my husband typically drinks on Friday which 'relaxes' him from his weekly work stress. So, when he is relaxed and in a good mood I take the opportunity to test the waters by making a small non threatening comment if he reacts well then I slip in with the whole 'I feel' (example: like you don't appreciate the work I do here at home or whatever is on my mind)...'I really wish you would help me out by' (Example: by cleaning the dishes or whatever I want help with). (2) I have also reminded my husband of the work I do at home...example: One day my husband came home and commented about when the last time was that I wiped off the counter top...my response was (as nicely as I could and smiling)...when was the last time you gave the baby a bath? when was the last time you brushed the baby's teeth? when was the last time you changed a diaper?...that shut him up and he never asked the question again. (3) I trade 'help' for getting things done. Example: I remind him that my child's needs (emotional, etc) is my priority while he's at work and that means I don't always get to the dishes or laundry, etc. If my husband wants these things done he needs to help me watch or entertain the baby and I will gladly get these things done. If I'm doing laundry I need my husband to watch the baby but if I am trying to cook and need to keep the baby out of the kitchen then my husband needs to entertain the child to keep the kitchen child free. Slowly over time my husband has began to help me and this makes me feel more appreciated because he cares enough to listen and work on changing. His actions speak louder than words. So, as long as he is making improvements I don't need him to actually say he appreciates the work I do as long as he is showing me he cares. Best of luck to you!

What a mishmash of posts here. I won't say much more than this...

I, too, had an unappreciative husband. Everything was my fault, none of it was his. I decided to go to counseling (he thought it was a good idea, because obviously the problem was with me!) and it was a long process, but I am a very different person now. I made some hard decisions on the way and am very, very happy with my life.

Don't ever let anyone convince you that you need to 'do more'. You are doing a hell of a lot already and from what you said, girl, you are way unappreciated.

Please go talk to someone who will have your back, no matter what. Counselors are good like that. They will help you work through your feelings and let you go at your own pace, and be strong with you as you figure it all out. It doesn't have to end in divorce, but it's clear that something in the relationship will need to change for you to be happy, and you just can't change that other person.

My best wishes.

I think you need to tread very softly around your man when it comes to leaving chores undone. He doesn't seem to be able to negotiate regarding chores. I don't think you can leave chores undone and expect him to pick them up. Perhaps you can afford a housekeeper. That is what I did. It made a world of difference in my marriage to a man just like this.

I also think you should find a peer group of women that you can talk to. You are a professional woman and well educated, so it might be hard to find. It will be worth it though.

It is also time to think about the role model of woman that you want to show your boys. Something to think about.

Good luck.

Wow, you've gotten a lot of advice! I don't know if I can say anything worthwhile since my husband is wonderful at showing his appreciation for me. The only thing I can think of is to somehow have him hear what he is doing from someone other than you-- for a wake-up call to him. A friend, his parents, or even your boys?
Good luck- sorry I'm not more help.

Christina Aquilera, on her album 'Stripped' has a song called "Underappreciated"...in fact the whole album is about being female, and what it is like to be female in this society...20 tracks of insight and empowerment. I have found it to be a great help to me.
Get yourself counseling..take care of yourself..so you can take care of others. Regardless if anyone goes with you or not.
Tam

Hon, he's being a bully. Regardless of military background, Southern culture or any other reason, this is mean, and mean is not acceptable.

He may be depressed, he may be anxious and trying to control his world, he may have a great deal of stress; lots of things could be contributing that counseling might help if he would go, but if he won't, you go any way. Go and get some respite, some understanding and the words to let him know you will not accept this treatment. It isn't good for you and it isn't what your children should see growing up. Good luck.

Hey S.,
You have had some great advise so far. I would agree that your husband is being a bully and his behavior is inexcusable. Maybe he is feeling bitter about you staying at home? I know that fathers don't understand how hard mothers work. I would definitely leave him at home with the kids for a few days and let him taste what your day is like. Let him deal with the sceaming baby, the toddler who is potty training, the house, the dog eating poopy diapers, spit-up on every shirt you own, and no sleep. We'll see how clean he keeps the house!!
My husband made the mistake of saying something like 'This house is filthy' when our baby was about six months old. He wasn't directing it at me, but I completely lost it none the less. I completely freaked out and started 'cleaning' the house which meant throwing EVERYTHING in the garbage, sobbing the whole time. My hubs knew we screwed up and has never said anything since other than 'you are doing such a great job raising our sons'. I would recommend the book called "What Mothers Do, Even When It Looks Like Nothing". It talks about all the guild moms have because they feel like all they do is stay with the baby. In reality, you are raising an individual that will go on to be a part of society and carry on your family-big responsibility. Go to counseling with your husband, he's just not getting it. Good luck!

Dear S. - That is a terrible but all-too-common situation, I think. I praise the Lord that my husband has come to see what a tough job it is to raise children and run a household, and is quite helpful for me when he can be.

Part of what helped him "see the light" was his time in charge with our 3 girls. We needed some extra money, so each day when he gets home from work I go work in my office for 2 hours - no interruptions. Also, he has had the girls for full days here and there. For him it has become a challenge, because he said he realized that it was hard for him and he didn't like doing it. Then he thought, "Well, man, if Jenn can do this every day I should be capable of it for a few hours!!" So now he has become both very good at getting supper on the table and the girls taken care of as well as enjoying his time out and about with them on the other days.

I would recommend two things: 1. Ask your husband if he would be willing to try doing your job once in a while. He might be up for a challenge! 2. Read the book "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs. He describes the "Crazy Cycle" where husbands and wives make life worse for ourselves by reacting to each other in the opposite way of what is helpful. I don't agree with the others who say that you are being abused and should make this into an argument/hostile environment. You love your husband and boys, so do your best to help, not harm, your family.
Prayers for you!
J.

Dear S.,
I've got one of those too. I think what has helped me is to get a life. I go do things for myself leaving him with the kids. My husband balked at first, but it makes me much less reactive to his complaining when I do. He also sees how hard it is to get anything done with two small children. THe more you try to please him, the less he appreciates it, and he is now offically SPOILED. How much me time do y ou have? I swear the less I have the more controlling he gets. Don't ask for me time, just announce. At first I tried asking, and I got so much lip. I made several phantom "appointments" and then just went and hung out somewhere, exercised, read, but that was becuase he controlled the monry too, and I didn't want him also balking at the massage money I spent. You're doing a great job, a more than full time job raising kids, and he thinks you watch soap operas all day long, or pick your nose? You're worth more than taht. He just needs to be weaned of your care...

Hi S. - You have had a wide variety of advice already. With things getting worse as time goes along there may be other reasons why his behavior is going this direction. There may be some issues at work that he feels like he can not control but he can control "his" home. Do you attend a church? Do you both talk or pray before you go to sleep?

For me & my husband that bedtime was the only "time" we had a chance to do that. We also started reading a really good devotional for couples by Dr Dobson & his wife Shirley. The book "Night Light" is excellent and together you can read the one page daily devotional in a few moments. Each week is has a specific topic including: True Love; Can we talk?; A husband's role; a wife's role; how trust happens; choose joy; the power of encouragement; to fight or not to fight?; will you forgive me?; And then we had kids; a time to laugh; etc.

Taking it one step at a time will help. If he wont go to counseling right now that is ok. Let him stay with the kids & you go and enjoy this freedom. Then bring this book home and ask him to read it with you. Being one short page a day is not so demanding or threatening. Explain to him that through this process of reading with you (and other homework that the counselor assigns) is what you need right now to be successful as a wife & mom. If he balks at it then remind him of his own statements about you needing help. Many men do not realize that they need help too and will put up a shield against it but we wives have to figure "sneaky at times" ways to get around that tough armor they have to get to the soft part that is hiding. Taking it one step at a time and going through the process (as well as praying) will end up making your marriage and family stronger!!! Your kids will be greatful that you have taken this step for the betterment of the entire family. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!

PS - Another thought to get you some time away is enroll for classes to keep your credentials up to date. Especially with things changing all the time in the Special Education environment and you want to be the most current when you do look at going back to work. Take Care

I used to feel the same way. How long have you guys been married before you had kids? I think that men just don't understand what it takes to stay home with children, clean the house, cook the food, teach the kids, stay healthy etc... When my daughter was born it seemed like I couldn't even leave her home with my husband to go grocery shopping, I had her with me ALL the time. I later found out that he was actually really scared to take care of her alone, it is fine now. Has he been alone with the kids for any extended amount of time? like say ALL day? Men just don't get it becuase in general they have never really experienced what it takes to be a mommy, stay at home full time or work outsitde the home full time. And having done, both I think they are both equally hard in their own way! Hang in there and the most important thing is to communicate with your husband how you are feeling. Not in an accusing way, but in an informational way. COmmunication is the key! Not sure if that helped at all but I do completely understand what you mean, and it should get better.

I am so sorry about your present situation.no one should feel as though they are underappreciated...especially from someone that that they love. From the sounds of things, it sounds as if you both need to get marriage counseling. At least to have a mediator to help with the communication difficulty that you have described is going on with you both. There could also be something else going in with your husband that he's just afraid to discuss with you for fear of the result. I will pray for your marriage. Hope all works out. I know this isn't probably the advice you were seeking, but you have my support.

Dear S.,
Get thee to a counselor!! Your husband does not have to go with you. A good therapist will validate what you already know in your gut, that this behavior is not good, and give you healthy ways to respond. Not all counselors are the same. Ask around at church or school to find someone who works with women in your situation. If you don't click with the first therapist, try another til you find someone you can trust and work with.

Your story sounds like mine, about 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I chose to suck it up and just try harder to be a good wife. Things progressively got worse and I am finally in counseling after 25 years of marriage. Don't wait this long! It is worth the time and effort to get help now.

I am sorry to say that you are probably not going to change him at this point. He is a male chauvanist and was probably raised by one as well, you wre ok with his behavior while working because you had an out or somewhere else to get praise from and now you don't. Since he was in the military he knows how to clean (unless he was an officer). I was enlisted for 20 years so I know a thing or two about military people and know that most of the men that act like him come from the east and south not that they aren't over here or everywhere. I actually am surprised you were allowed to work and get an education. Oh and the best crumb picker upper I have ever seen is a dog, mine passed away this last summer and I am amazed at how well she kept the floor clean for the last 13 years. The only person that can change this is you, he will only start to come around if he really feels he is going to loose you and it might be too late at that point. My friends who are like this are going through a divorce after 16 years of marraige. I wish you luck.

I think you need some 'Mom Moments', several of them. When you go shopping and errand running, do you leave the boys at home with your husband? If not, start doing that on Saturdays. Make out your weekly shopping list and leave the boys with Dad and go shopping for the week. Take time for lunch while you're at it. Then add an evening event, once or twice a week, something like a book club, gym membership, whatever... but take some time for yourself, away from the boys and Dad, long enough that Dad has to interact with the his sons. It could be your husband has never had to pick up after himself, of if he did, he never made any mess that caused him any work. He may have never cared for a younger sibling, cousin, or neighbor so he has no idea as to what it takes or what need to be done, how he could help. You'll have to teach him. Having him go with you to a pediatrician's appointment or to your ob-gyn for a little group discussion, so your dr's can tell him how parenting his a group effort and it's more than bringing home a paycheck for his part. If that doesn't work, then a couples' counseling is in order. Things will only get worse if you decide to go back to working outside the home. You can always offer the idea of a weekly housekeeper coming in for you. But do your future daughters-in-law a huge favor and teach your sons how to pick up and help around the house when they're little, so it becomes second nature. Your 3 yr old can pick up his toys, help put his dirty clothes in the laundry, set the silverware or napkins on the table. He can even help you sort the laundry teaching him his colors at the same time! Add things as he gets older and then do the same thing with your 2nd son. When he starts walking, he can start picking his toys up. Best of luck!!!

You two need counseling. My husband and I got it when my our first child was six months old, mainly because I was taking care of the baby nonstop, and he was fussing that the house was a mess and tuning me out completely. Rather than let all this end up in divorce court, or with you becoming permanently hurt and bitter because of his behavior, you need to seek change now.

This is not uncommon. The more separate a couple's lives are, the more they don't understand what the other is doing. My husband works pretty long hours, and he makes enough money so that I do not have to work much, but he knows how hard taking care of two kids is. And I know how hard he is working. And for us, that makes all the difference. But if he came home and picked crumbs off the floor, complaining I was too sloppy and didn't take care of the house, we'd be back in counseling.

Your husband is unhappy, too, or he wouldn't avoid you, or attack your self-esteem like that. He needs to know from you that his behavior is neither healthy nor helpful, and that you need his support. My husband and I are both highly educated, but while he is out using his degree, I am home cleaning and shopping and changing diapers. The difference is, for us, he knows that, and respects me for it.

See what you can do to tell your husband what YOU need. Keep statements "I" centered: I really tried hard on the house today, and I felt hurt when you came home and didn't say anything about it. I really like eating dinner with you at the table, so that we can talk and catch up. Even "I need a hug" is good.

I feel for you, for I have been there. It will get better, if both of you work on this. Good luck!

I totally feel your pain. I read your explanation and questions and feel that our lives mirror each other. It is too ironic that we both married military men and they are from the South. The other strange thing is that my husband and I are coming up on our 7th Anniversary and you guys have been married 6 years. Let me tell you what I did when this happened to us around our 5th and 6th year...

I gave him an ultimatum. My circumstances were this...he traveled 6 weeks away from home and home one weekend. He got out of active duty AF to join the ANG because we saw opportunity with the company (civilian job) to have more money and also apply his degree to what he wanted to do. Anyhow, I was a "single mom" so to speak to a 3 year old and a newborn baby girl. I finally got sick of being his second. We moved here to Portland to take a job with corporate rather than him traveling and I took control of my family again.

I have to say that being married to a Southern man is not easy. At times, it is right hard and it stems from his families long history of the woman doing everything and the man being a financial provider only. This may never change, but marriage is not about changing people, it's about loving them no matter what they throw at you.

However, with the prior para said, I too felt un-appreciated and sick of doing it all. I told him to his face when we had a chance to sit down without kids and the whole distraction thing from the TV. I have to admit that I got really upset and threw a fit like a child, but it got his attention that I was mad and he needed to really listen to me. My suggestion on his not listening would be to get wild! Get his attention and even if it seems that you are coming unglued at the seams, then show him that you will NOT stand for this kind of marriage any longer. You need him to listen to you and hear your side of the story too. I would also suggest that since he is not open about going to counseling, but you are, be aware that it may send a bad vibe to him and he may feel insecure about talking to someone he doesn't know. I know that my dad (also military) would not go to counseling when my mom suggested it. Unfortunately for them, their marriage was a 30 year joke on both of them because she stayed for her children to have a great (not so great) home with both parents. Then, after it was said and done, she stated that she never loved my dad, she married him because she felt sorry for him. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

You sound like a wonderfully intelligent woman. I'm sure you love your husband very much, but he has to listen to you and you need to be loved, so my advice is to start planning dates that you all can get away from the children and talk adult issues, or first and foremost-just be together. I would also advise that you plan some time where you seduce him. Maybe restating how much you love him will make him open his ears. I know that works for me and my husband. I pretty much get what I want if he gets what he wants in bed. I know that seems crude, but it works. Just plan things that you all can do seperately from the children and all the issues that you all have until he gets off the defense and then slip him a little issue here and one there and make it seem like his idea. This is a trick, but this is how I've learned to get my husband to talk with me and not AT me.

Hope it all works for you and I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same boat I was in a few years ago. It is hard, but with your will and smarts, you'll be able to fix anything.

Kim B.

If he won't go to counseling, go by yourself. He shouldn't object right...I mean there's something wrong with you in his eyes. I was in a marriage similar to that one at one point in time and I went to counseling by myself. I had her as an outlet and she helped me to feel good about myself and set healthy boundaries. They have great ideas and approaches. Great thing is that they are still there next week when you come back to tell them how it went. I seriously suggest that. Also know that what he is doing is wrong! He is projecting his insecurities and low self esteem onto YOU. If YOU are doing a lousy job, then that makes him feel better about himself. He obviously has some resentments. Perhaps he feels like you're the lucky one...YOU don't have to go out and bust your butt every day working...LOL because we work very hard. Don't beat yourself up either...3 children under 4 yrs. old any house will look like a tornado.I heard a poem once: "Cooking and cleaning can wait till tomorrow, for children grow up we have learned to our sorrow....so go to sleep cobwebs, dust go to sleep....I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep." I'd rather take pride in my well adjusted loved children , than my spotless house...any DAY. Who cares what your house looks like if the kids are neglected and messed up. As the kids get bigger they'll learn to pick up and do chores. This is but a season of your life. As my kids have grown up my house HAS gotten cleaner. It was never a pig sty, but it had toys and stuff here and there. A spotless house with children is kind of a wierd concept to me. AND: NEWS FLASH GUY if there's a crumb on the floor..it's your house too. PICK IT UP dude and stop the complianing.

Ugh. I am sorry. I can say I know exactly how you feel, but I don't think that'd help much. I think TOO MANY women are in your position.
My first marriage ended in divorce because of many of the things you address in your post.
But one of the things I realized is that certain personalities are attracted to eachother. He married you because you take care of people (spec.ed. teachers do!).
And probably wanted a 'mother figure'.
But you are his wife and you want a partner.
Men get defensive when we come to them with our problems and they can't fix it.
Think about how you are approaching him very carefully. And definitely seek counseling for yourself.

Wow, S.--- I have to confess my FIRST reaction ( probably not helpful ) would be to say---- ''' since you think I never clean--- for 3 days I plan to clean nothing- not sweep, not pick up toys, not vacuum, not spray and wipe the counters - for 3 days--- NOTHING""" Likely not a good idea - but tempting, ==really tempting.

--- Why he is behaving this way is less important than what you can do- and that's get yourself a good family counselor ( a man would be good- but not necessary) because since he has '''' diagnosed'' a problem in you it would be sensible to address the problem. ( do you hear a slightly sarcastic tone?) -- I have seen many military men do this ''' you accomplish nothing-- you just sit''' - and the untruth of it is so stunning- it knocks my socks off. I would also keep a schedule of affirmations and kindnesses-- literally make yourself a schedule and stick to it- as it may help- and cannot hurt- and at least when he says he is not appreciated- you can say ''yes you are'' and know that you've shown that.

Hang in there, dear heart--

Blessings,
J.

My husband and I had this problem for a year before we came up with the root cause of his negativity. He was Jealous. We both worked full time until the baby was born and now I get to stay home and "play", but he still has to go to work every day. He was trying to sabotage my day so I wouldn't enjoy it since he didn't get to enjoy his day. (Of course, this was subconsiously, he didn't realize that was what he was doing.)
I now make it a point to regularly tell him how grateful I am that he provides well enough for us that I am able to stay home now; really boost his man-ego. He will try to deflect all the embarrasing praise by saying it is not a big deal, and saying that I do a lot of things too, like...(fill in the blank).
Try to approach him with positive comments about him, for they may result in a positive response about you. At least, that worked for us.
I did go back to work on the weekends but made it very clear it was not for the money, I just wanted out of the house and adult conversation. Then he was able to experience a little of my day and what I have to deal with all week long.

I have been there too! I started looking into the system on Flylady's websites. Not only is my house starting to be more organized, and my days being easier to deal with, my husband comes home and doesn't know what to do because the house is clean. To start with I only focus on one room a week and detail that room, the other rooms I spot clean.

But anyways, about feeling unapericated, tell him, it sounds simple, but I know its not. If he points out a crumb on the floor, say something like 'yep I see it and walk away'. For cooking it really helped me to make a menu for the week; sometimes I as my husband to help with menu planning so he has a say in what is cooked. The night before I get things ready for dinner, gather ingredients etc. I focus on me and my kids. Keeping them in a healthy home is what I worry about.

But if the negativity towards you continues, seek councelling for yourself, that way yoy have a safe place to express yourself and feel in power. He does need help, but you need to be strong and a councelor could help your self confidence. Make yourself strong and realize you are important and worth love.

You need to focus on making yourself a strong independant woman, you don't want your children to grow up with the negative role models.

Dear Sonia k
I have never been married but I do have three kids ages 7,8.10 but I have been
in a few relationships and I understand what you mean. They treat you like your gonna be around for ever so it doesn't matter how your feeling.I think it's terrible when a
man takes women for granted.Maybe you should sit him down and say listen I do all
these tiny things for you and you don't appreciate what I do and it's really hurting my feelings.Tell him that he nit picks on everything and you can't handle it no more.
He wants you to notice when he does something he needs to show you the same respect.If he still don't notice go on strike thats what I would do until he
listens. You deserve to feel special and he needs to realize that.