Help Out Grandma or Not

People have different standards as to what clean is. I would definately not cut her off from the kids. I find that a bit cruel. You mentioned will it make her even more depressed? So you are saying she is already depressed, so that may explain her home. Be a good daughter and help her out...you would want the help if it were you.

Is she refusing to clean because she can't do it physically? Or because she refuses to hire a cleaner even though she can afford it? Can't help you without knowing what kind of physical shape grandma is in, if she has money to hire a cleaner or not, and other info about her possible reasons for not cleaning.

I'm confused, too, about what Granny's actual situation is. Is she actually "refusing," or is she physically or emotionally unable (depression can effectively disable a person). But beyond those questions, I have a few thoughts;

I had no idea how challenging my grandmother's physical experience probably was until I got to be a granny myself. It can be more exhausting and uncomfortable than a young, healthy person can imagine.

My house isn't as clean as it was when I was younger for several reasons. I can't see the dirt as well. Dust bunnies in corners don't hold loud parties, so I let them be until I have the energy for a major cleaning a few times a year. Vacuuming everything in my small house can take me up to three days in several short sessions because of physical pain. It's a pretty daunting job.

Cleanliness isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Recent research reveals that, not only are many modern cleaning products, disinfectants and air "fresheners" actually toxic and hazardous to health, but also that children raised in very clean environments have confused, over-reactive immune systems, resulting in a higher incidence of asthma and possibly other allergies. Their systems have never learned to differentiate effectively between "friend" and "foe."

When you think about it, dirt is pretty clean stuff. We do allow kids to play outside in the yard, the park, on surfaces and equipment lots of other kids and pets have occupied. Why should dirt in the house be treated as some special horror? If you ask me, modern moms have been manipulated by advertising into believing they have to have immaculate homes to be a worthy wives and mothers.

Now, this is not to condone grimy, greasy, or stinky bathroom and kitchen surfaces, soiled or sour linens, etc. Perhaps my house is a bit eclectically cluttered, but I would not want to put my grandson at risk of getting his hands on infective or otherwise unsafe materials.

If Grandma has wisdom, character and love to offer her grandkids, I would look for a solution. Can you help her straighten up when you take the kids over? Can you relax your standards? It almost sounds as if you'd rather not bother, so I wonder if there is some other issue at work here.

Dear Veronica,
I don't know how old your Grandma is, but maybe she can't clean it OR, in her older age, it just doesn't seem that important to her to have everything spotless. It's hard to say.
But, I wouldn't keep her grandkids away from her especially if you suspect that she is depressed. That could be part of the reason she isn't cleaning like maybe she once did. Can you bring her to your house? Take her on park outings? Maybe she just needs a little help cleaning up.

It's hard to know the extent of the situation without more info, but I certainly hope you can work things out. Your kids won't be able to have her in their lives, clean or not, forever.

Best wishes.

Maybe grandma refuses to clean her house for a reason? Was she prior to a clean housekeeper? If so this may be signs of dementia setting in. I'm not trying to scare you but even someone at the age of 60 can get it. If you find that she is not doing the things she used to just keep an eye. She could be depressed because she can't understand herself why this is happening. Regardless still take your children over, it really makes a difference in her life with them being there and knowing that you care deeply enough to not worry about it. If you take the children away she would be heartbroken and you would feel if something happened to her, it was your fault. The children don't seem to mind and they will always remember grandma. Help her out when you can and have her work with you, then you may see for yourself if her mind is skipping somewhat. Love who you have now you never know what tomorrow brings. Let her know you love her as well, give her pride.

you are saying refuses and I am not sure what that means either sorry. I am now assuming that she physically can but wont. Is it really bad, dangerous for the children or just dirtier than you would like to see it? If it is not harmful, but just not too clean then I dont think it is reason enough for her to stop seeing her grandchildren. Can you have her come to your house and not go to her house? I did not understand that part either sorry. If you can have her come to your house. can you nicely tell her your concerns: I have the problem that my MIL has her eight year old granddaughter that lives w/ her and she of course plays with barbies and all types of other little toys, I am very worried about my daughter putting something small in her mouth while she is there so I have told her this (she does not think it is a big deal) so I wont let my daughter out of my sight at her house also when I get there I close her granddaughters bedroom door and I check the rooms my daughter will play in for small objects. It is a pain, and I am sure she thinks Im a nut but I need my daughter to be safe so I dont care what she thinks of me. above all my daughter is number one to me and if her saftey is a concern then I dont really worry about what others think/say. hope this helps

Is Grandma sloppy or a hoarder? MANY hoarders can't clean up their homes... it's a mental illness... and well, you can read up on it on the net.. but view it like any other addiction and trying to get clean (pun intended) is not an easy task for them.... even those who have families and are at risk of losing them.... in some cases, children being taken away..
I'd decipher first what the true dilema might be, in the meanwhile, if it's not safe for your kids to visit her at her home, then have her over to your house..

Oh dear! First and foremost--you have to keep your children's safety in mind. Next is hers. Living in that type of situation isn't healthy for anyone. Do you feel it is to the point you can threaten to get the authorities involved should she refuse to allow you to help? The fridge alone has some incredibly serious health concerns. Best of luck to you!

She needs professional help. Oftentimes the hoarding is a symptom of a mental health disorder. It is one thing to have some clutter and dust around but when you are talking about rotting food that is different. That is bacteria and can be harmful to one's health. Depression is often associated with the hoarding. Withdrawing her contact from her grandchildren will only make her more depressed and perpetuate the problem. Have her visit at your home and please seek help for her. You can start by calling your county's Agency on Aging and make a referral. Good Luck.

I agree that grandma needs professional help. If she will let you help her clean/ organize, that is what I would do. Please don't use your children as a bargaining chip. I suspect this will only make her condition worse. Sounds like you are fed up but I can't help but feel sorry for her.

Well 4 visits to a counselor will not help. She needs long term counseling, and meds alone will do nothing for hoarding, it may help the depression a tiny bit ,but counseling will help more. Unlike another poster I would use myself and my kids as bargaining chips to get her help. She needs to attend at least weekly counseling sessions preferably twice weekly sessions. I would find a support group as well, she needs an intervention IMO, and ignoring the problem or letting it continue will only make it worse. I would say my kids can visit when she attends at least weekly counseling sessions and allows you and/or other friends/family to help her clean up. If she agrees to this and her house is at least clean, then I would say okay let them visit. I hope that helps some.

There is no way I would let my children into a house of a hoarder. Hoarding is a disease, just like drug addiction or alcoholism, and I wouldn't let my child in to a place where she was drunk or high either-- they don't need to have to deal with this.

Call the housing authority in your area. It sounds like she needs professional help and if she isn't getting it, you may need to have her house condemned. Of course, she may know that it was you (esp. if she doesn't let others into her house, which is typical of hoarders), but you have to decide if the situation is critical enough to take that risk.

Hi, Veronica:
Grandma needs to be confronted politely.

Call the Family Group Decision Making facilitator at ###-###-####
To have a talk with Grandma.
Good luck. D.

sometimes people want to clean their house but they feel so overwhelmed by the situation that they don't know where to start. So they can't do it. It is like a mental block. Maybe she needs some help? I don't know the situation either (is she a hoarder or just messy) but perhaps you should address the situation with her doctor. She probably can't do this on her own.

The best thought is to ask her if she would like you to help her to clean up her house? I am not sure of the age of the children, but, if they are able to help in anyway, this enables Grandma to see that even children can help clean and so she needs to know her obligation to herself and visitors. Making a conditional visitations, is at times hard for both, Grandma and the children, the children maynot understand why they cannot visit grandma, SO the best thing first is to ASK her if she'd like to SCHEDULE a day to clean her home. Just speak to her in a way you would a teenager, it is not healthy to live like this, if you keep it up, then you have little to do everyday and when you have people visit they feel comfortable. If she does not agree to cleaning up her house then you will have to discuss your concerns, about the condition of the house, food that is not being kept healthy and her visits with the children cannot continue to be at your home. Her visits with the children need to be with her, not overseen by you at your home. If you'd like to send me any additional questions, I have a web page online, here. Life Coach Change...that also is my email address. Good Luck and remember small steps take up to a better place, getting there quickly is not always the way, just getting there in a positive way. Good ____@____.com

its tough there are always things i don't like that I have to put up with when I bring my kids to other houses...like dogs that pee everywhere, insane junk food amounts when shes being watched more than days a week there...but in the end you have to decide how harmful it is to them, which is worse what the people are doing or cutting off that relationship....i would say why not make outings and bring your mom, so she can see your kids outside and you at the same time=)

I beleive Grandma needs professional help.I don't think that not allowing her to see her grandchildren is going to help her. I don't think it's going to help your children either. I'd stick with the rule the children can not go to Grandma's house, Grandma is welcome to come to our house, or we can meet Grandma at the park.

If she is a true hoarder it is not as simple as oh clean up or the grandkids can not visit. It is a disorder and if she wants to change then she would need some therapy. If you want some more information on this disease and to see if she really is a hoarder watch the show Hoarding on the TLC channel. She needs to be helped not be criticized if she is a hoarder.