My Sister Is a Hoarder and I Messed It Up

You can't do anything to fix this, because you can't fix Her. Hoarding is a serious illness and until she gets help (if she does) I don't know if you can do much else. Her "calming down" now doesn't mean much if she's still hoarding. Does she know she has a problem? Maybe you can talk to a professional to find out more about it and how you might be able to deal with it. Maybe her boyfriend can help her get help. But she needs help. Hoarding is fear, it's emotional, and something is deeply wrong.

Save her stuff, give it some time, and let her calm down. You can discuss when she is rationl and willing to forgive

You are enabling her and acting in a codependent manner.
Your sister has a mental illness.
You can't apply rationality to an irrational situation.
Your sister needs to WANT help and SEEK help or live with the ramifications of her behavior and choices.

Even though it was "abandoned" in your mind, and she had left the boyfriend, it really wasn't your job to go clean up her mess. She had been living with the boyfriend for many years, and theoretically it should have been his mess to clean up. She knew it was there.....

At this point, you do need to give her back her "stuff"..... she has this irrational desire to keep stuff, and taking it away from her isn't going to help. I know you were trying to help, but she doesn't see it that way.

I know you love her... she is your little sis, after all.... the hoarding is part of her mental instability, and it isn't something you can "fix" ..... have you watched the show "hoarders" ? It is really amazing the amount of stuff they can accumulate... and no family member can rationalize to them getting rid of it. It often takes a court order to weed out some of it.... and yes, it is a health risk/safety hazard, but they don't see it that way.

Good luck!

Hoarding is a mental disorder. Try to find someone who is compassionate in the social work field who specializes in this behavior and schedule an appointment for yourself so that you can learn about the disorder. Then see what the specialist suggests to entice your sister to get help for her disorder.

Let it go-she burned the bridge and needs to get some help-she wants to stay in a horrible relationship with someone/others that will help her facilitate her illness-not maintain relationships with her own family-that is very sad-I hope the situation improves-but it is so complicated that it won't without medical intervention. Good luck.

I don't know the "right" answer to the question in regards to her disorder, but I do think that since it wasn't your stuff to sell, that you shouldn't have taken her stuff anywhere. You do need to give back the things you took regardless of the way she is treating you.

It wouldn't surprise me if what happens next is that her boyfriend will send her away AGAIN and she will transfer her anger to him because he will not keep her stuff for her, OR the bank will have her things thrown out. And then someone else will be her target.

I think that you need to stay away from your sister right now. This isn't a "tantrum". People who just have "tantrums" don't threaten bodily harm. Your sister is sick in her mind and you need to keep that in mind and keep your distance.

Good luck,
Dawn

It was never you or your moms job to deal with any of it. It's the boyfriends house and his responsibility. Since it's been done you can try to get back what you can, but she is mentally sick and will not get over it till she decides to.

Contact Social Services and see what steps you and your family need to take to get her committed to a mental facility. Hopefully you can get her treated, diagnosed and medicated.

She is mentally ill and the biggest favor you can do for her is to get her treatment.

G.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

I am taking it that you and she are half-sister's as you refer to what "her mother" did.

Hoarding is a mental illness. There's no easy way to say that. It does NOT matter if the stuff is useless, decaying and disgusting...a hoarder cannot let go of stuff without professional help.

Let her tantrum run its course. DO NOT give her the stuff back. To be honest, if you hadn't said anything - she might not have known WHICH stuff to took. She will be angry for a while. If she brings it up? Tell her it's done. If you give the stuff back - you are enabling her and giving in to her mental illness. Don't. As hard as it is. DO not.

If she threatens you again with bodily harm? Contact the police. You can help your sister by turning her into Social Services. Tell them what you have seen in the house, how dangerous it is, etc. They will get her the help she needs. It can be done anonymously. Have you tried reaching out to the TV show on A&E "Hoarders"? They can help too.

DO NOT give in. Tell her the stuff is gone. PERIOD. It's done and not coming back. Yes, it will be hard. But for her, it will be best.

GOOD LUCK!

I know this is your sister, but when it comes to these situations whether she's a hoarder or not it wasn't your place to go to the former boyfriend's home to take possession of any of her things. It sounds like he did what was necessary to make sure that he legally evicted her, and he should have given her legal notification of what he planned to do with her possessions like have a moving truck take everything away to the dump regardless of value if she didn't come to take possession of all of it herself on a specific date.

Now she lives there again, not for the former-but-current boyfriend, but for her "stuff." She really is ill and has a serious, severe anxiety disorder that has to be treated. It can't be forced on her. You won't be able to have her committed for this. She needs to enter treatment willingly, and it's going to have to be on her terms.

I would probably keep some distance and let her cool off, but apologize for overstepping your bounds. You DID overstep even though you were trying to help and you did it out of kindness.

EDIT: I also meant to add that when they break up again, and they will, he's going to have to go through this all over again with legally evicting her. When that happens please stay out of it. Her stress doesn't have to be your stress.

In other words, wait until she asks you for help.

She needs to talk to someone who specializes in hoarding and other anxiety disorders.

No, sweetie.

No more than you can fix an alcoholic by giving them whiskey or a schizophrenic by wearing a tin hat.

That doesn't mean you can't EMPATHIZE with her... She feels a keen loss / had an emotional attachment to things that are now gone... BUT

- unhealthy attachment (like alcohol)
- she was doing 'well' for awhile by keeping herself away
- she's relapsed
- she needs help

Empathy at her distress & loss is very different from encouraging her in her disorder.

Your sister needs a therapist. Hoarding is not about stuff. It is about anxiety and fear and it is a mental illness. You cannot fix this for her. She needs long term therapy to fix the underlying cause. The stuff is not the problem. It's her mental and emotional health that is the problem. See it not as objects but an illness.

She has a mental disorder. I would throw the rest of that junk away.. you and your mom (& sisters Boyfriend ) need to have an intervention and get her some mental health services. ASAP.

She is really unstable.

Can you take the rest of the stuff and put it in the storage unit? Then just tell her it's there, you are sorry you upset her (that it was not your intention), and remove yourself from the situation completely. Then just give it a little time.
My brother is a hoarder. You just can't rationalize with them. What seems black and white to us, is not the case with them. You just didn't know how upset she would be, so don't beat yourself up about it. I know it's hard. But you have to grasp that a hoarder really only feels emotion about their belongings. People come secondary. It's just the way it is unless they take steps to get help for their disorder. It's not something you can change or fix by yourself.
You sound like an loving person. Just keep an eye on her, and be prepared to intervene if she becomes a danger to herself or others. I wish I had better advice for you. It's a really tough thing to go through and watch with someone you love.

You have to let her fall and figure it out on her own. She's 43 years old! She doesn't need to be rescued. She is the type of person that loves drama and chaos. But you need to get out of her business and let her handle it. Whatever consequences she has from it, is purely her own. Let her own it. Let her own her life and where she goes--whether its good or bad.

I agree with the other posters to throw away anything you still have. After that you have a few choices. You can ignore her and stay out of it. Or you can contact adult protective services and/or social services and try to have something done about this. You can also contact animal control, they will at least take the cats away if the living conditions are unsanitary. If the living situation is as bad as it sounds, hopefully someone can get her a caseworker or some help to get the house cleaned up. You can also call the local fire department or the city. Its not legal to have your house that way, as it is a fire hazard. Just be prepared to have your sister VERY angry at you, as she is clearly very mentally ill.

Your sister is mentally ill. Hoarding is a mental disorder. They are compelled to keep stuff--even stuff you or I would think of as trash--because each thing they have has some type of "emotion" attached to it. Or it's something they've "saved" from the garbage heap and it's not that bad and someone can use it (even if it's in such bad condition that no one would want it even if it were given away for free).

I never realized that people were actually this way until I watched the show HOARDERS on TV. My husband can't stand to watch that show, because he can't stand to see people living that way.

Yes, it's very sad. Yes, we want to help them. However, in your sister's case, she's been doing this for a very long time. She has rooms stacked full; the basement's full. She can't even come and clean out/move her stuff (usually because a hoarder cannot figure out what should stay/what should get tossed. In their mind, nothing should be gotten rid of. They physically become ill when they have to make the decision of keep, throw, or donate).

I agree with another poster; what you took out of the house to sell to consignment, what's left over, DO NOT give back to your sister. She'll just throw it on her pile of junk, and the junk pile will just keep growing. Tell her you don't have it anymore (throw it, donate, recycle it, just get rid of whatever you still have that came from your sister's place). As one poster said, I'm not sure I would have even told her that you had taken anything. She has so much junk that I seriously don't think she would have ever noticed that this or that is missing. However, now that you've brought it to her attention, she is probably having an OCD moment (obsessive-compulsive).

If she continues to get verbally abusive and/or starts to try to physically harm you, then you have no choice but to get a restraining order and/or call in professionals to help your sister. In fact, she needs help regardless. Cats peeing on everything not only stinks, but she might have rodents and insects and other critters living in all the stuff that makes the living condition unsafe/unsanitory.

If you have NetFlix, see if you can find some of the TV shows on hoarding and watch them. It really is eye opening to see how people with this disease think. Some of them are quite professional people. You'd never think that they would live the way they do.

You were trying to be helpful, and no one can fault you for that. You meant well, but are learning about the awful nature of hoarding. As someone else suggested, watch some of the hoarding shows to get a look at what it is like and why you can't help. Or check out childrenofhoarders.org (I know it's your sis, but lots of good resources on that site).

My mom is a hoarder, and it's been a tough thing to watch and know that I can't help her, she has to want to help herself. My mom is a wonderful person, but the hoarding is something she can't seem to overcome. One time, before we knew much about what it was, my sisters and I 'surprised' her by cleaning out a room while she was on vacation with my dad. She didn't freak out on us because she knew we meant well (and she's just a sweet lady), but within a month that room was filled right back up, plus some.

If I were you, I would let her know you thought you were helping, tell her you didn't know it would upset her, and apologize. That's all you can do. I would get the stuff back.

I don't know what you mean by 'threatening me with harm' but the way you describe her, she may have another mentall illness along with the hoarding? (I'm not diagnosing, I hate when people do that on here, just going by what you say....). You may need to distance yourself due to that. You know best if she will settle down and return to her previous state of mind.

You are so sweet to want to help her. Check out the resources on hoarding, and realize that you may need to redefine your relationship with her for your own sake. But for this situation- just apologize and move on. She will have to work out her own anger with you in her own way.

You sound like a truly wonderful sister to try and help the way you did, and hoarder or not, or sister sounds like a spoiled brat. My mother-in-law is a hoarder and I understand the condition very well, but I think you did something to help her and what's done is done. She'll calm down, but in the mean time, tell her, "Sis, I did this because I love you, you weren't getting off your butt to do anything about it, and I wanted to help. Call me when you get over it."

I wish you were my family. I'd love to have someone that would rescue me over and over. I'd never have to learn from my mistakes.

That's basically what you and mom did. Sister never has to learn anything. She is mad at you because you took her stuff and got rid of it even if it was "for her" benefit.

I'd say let it go. Stay away from her and don't rescue her anymore. She will never change as long as she doesn't have any reason to.