Help...teenager

Hi H.,
It is so hard to navigate the teenage years at times! Two places that can help with advise are Love and Logic, http://www.loveandlogic.com/ or 1-800-338-4065, and Boystown, http://www.boystown.org/ or 1-800-448-3000.

Try not to lose H. H.!

Shirley, mom to 3 young adults

Not that I want to scare you, but...this reminds me of when my sister was a teenager. She was acting the same way. We found out later that she was being abused by another family member - and when she finally did say something, no one would believe her because she had lied in the past. I think the other posters are correct - try to get her into counseling, and let a professional try to find out what is really going on.

Hello again, H.. I commented on your first post about your daughter dating a 20 year old man. I was the rough one saying to take the door off the hinges and give her NOTHING extra. I am again saying this. I remember the approach you decided to take was to "make her take responsibility" get a job, act like an adult, and be responsible for her actions and her decisions. This will not work for a head strong angry teenager that wants to cause problems!!! Will absolutely not work! Its when you take away the things SHE wants, her riding lessons, cell phone, all privileges is when she will see that you are serious! You have said in both posts you want to take away her extras, then do it! You do not need our permission to do this. Start with the cell phone. If she is "grounded" she should not have had one to texted her friends that you were throwing her out. I agree 100% with Kit, you need to take firm action. I am sorry if I sound too rough, but obviously the gentle love approach is not working well. All kids can be straight A students if they apply themselves, I surely could have been, but I slacked off and barely graduated on time. I went from being able to graduate almost a year early due to only needing one credit left my senior year to not walking with my class. No I wasn't on drugs, but I just didn't want to work at school anymore. I took advanced classes in everything from 7th grade on, then in one semester, ruined it.

I was never this bad as a teenager, but like I said the first time, I am 25 years old. I had friends doing this and much, MUCH worse less than 10 years ago. I believe that her lists of drugs she has taken is very possible. If she has changed this much, she might be doing hard drugs. It is a serious cause for concern. Especially combined her sexual promiscuity with an older man and her blatant disrespect for you in front of others. Take her kicking and screaming to get tested for drugs and STD's. She is still a minor and not able to make her own choices, legally or intellectually. If she leaves, call her in as a run away. If you allow her to leave, you are still responsible for her actions while she is not under your roof. Unless she emanciates herself, which is an option too.

I also think you need counseling. This is tough for anyone to handle, especially a single mom. If its this bad and you feel so lost, a book will not help. Reading a book with a support group behind you WILL help. I can see that you obviously love your daughter so much, but you just can not be her friend all the time. You need to be her mom first, friend second. I never had the buddy buddy relationship with my mom that some of my friends had with theirs, but one thing I had for my mom and still do is RESPECT. My friends who were buddies with their moms were the ones having sex in their beds and sneaking out when their moms, or dads, didn't let them do what they wanted. Or even worse, their parents got them liquor so they would know where they were while they were partying! I used to envy that, but now I see how my parents being tough on me and holding me accountable for my actions makes me accountable for myself today. I still have made plenty of mistakes, but people do that. If you want to PM me, feel free You don't need luck, God bless!

V.

Most of what you describe seems to be normal teen attitude, especially the disrespect. Doesn't mean you have to put up with it...

As far as the lying, she may be a compulsive liar. Talk to her doctor and see if you can get a referral to a counselor who specializes in working with adolescents. And get her there no matter what it takes.

As for the drugs, she may just be telling you that she's experimenting to push your buttons. You can get home drug tests (not sure where, try googling it) and have her take them at random. And give severe consequences if she ever tests positive.

Teens are learning to identify themselves independent- it's a big part of their social & emotional development at this age. But you need to not give up on her. She needs to know that you are still there, that you are being strict because you love her, and that you are not going to give up on her (honestly, a lot of kids, especially girls, are caught up in a negative self-esteem trap. Unconsciously she needs to know that you won't give up and you love her no matter what!) Instead of saying "my house, my rules" I would try "I'm still your mother and we have rules in this family I expect you to follow." Don't give her the option of moving out!

You may also want to try some group counseling but I think that she's going to need to speak with someone first and feel comfortable about that before she can talk to you about it all.

Keep at it! Don't give up - she needs you!

Ih H.,
you have every right to let her get emancipated.
I am sure you could never live with that guilt. And feel like that is a cop-out. But here is the thing. Remind her that all you have to provide is cloths, a roof and a bed. Oh ya... Shampoo, cond, deoderant and pads. There is nothing that says she need cable, cell phone, house phone, internet, designer cloths, name brand shoes, make up , perfume, ... Take these things away as you see fit. Buy generic food and laundry soap. And remember that you are not her maid. She can do all her own laundry and clean the bathroom as well as all the house chores. And i H. that you don't give her any $$. If she buys lunch ... Make her take lunch. You are her life line and so go on strike... This will help remind her that you don't owe her a thing. Everything is a luxary. Be consistant.
If she stays out one minute past cerfew, call the police and report her a run away. If she hits or threatens you ...report it . It sounds soo harsh. But you need to nip this in the bud. Remember that if you didn't care you do all these things. It is called tough love. ....
You can do it.... It can all be turned around..
As for the lieing.... You need to give a taste of her own medicine. For instance, tell her you will be somewhere and then don't show up.. She will ask you and just say i lied. ... When her cell phone gets shut off you can say uyou payed the bill and then a week later you can tell her that you lied. Even when you run out of shampoo ( have your own stash) say you will go get some and then ... Well i say start lieing about every little thing. O.m.g... She will be 18 before you know it and all respect will be lost. I H. all the best for you and your daughter. You can do this!!
God bless

It may sound harsh, but you might need to send her to a group home for counseling. If you are unable to control her, and she has no ability to act with respect regarding you, then it may be more than you can handle alone. I know kids who were sent to lock-down facilities (kicking and screaming) but they returned feeling grateful for the help. Good luck to you both!

hi H.. first, you are a good mom because you are doing the best you know how. but since you're asking, advice i would suggest, stand up to her. i may be misunderstanding what you wrote, but it reads to me like you're afraid to lay down the law, or fear what she may think about you (seemed concerned that she texted her friends that you were 'kicking her out'). sounds like she knows how to manipulate you. don't let her! when she sweet-talks you, make a self-rule that you digest what she's said for a few minutes (don't tell her this). just say, 'i'll get back to you' and then go do laundry or take a walk and try to digest what angle she's taking. also...teens frequently have personalities similar to those with borderline personality disorder (NOT diagnosing your daughter). but, i am suggesting you read into information for handling that personality type. you will learn not to be manipulated. (research mindful thinking, dealing with borderline personality disorder. and again, not diagnosing her or you.)
stand firm, establish rules, don't fear her or her dislike of you. don't try to reason with her. rules are rules. never defend yourself to her, you're the mom. no need to explain yourself to her, again, you're the mom. if she doesn't like it, tough. if she makes bad choices and then blames you or your rules, don't fall for the guilt. hold her accountable; she's old enough to be responsible for her decisions.
good luck!

Hey H.!
Have you tried counseling? I know my insurance will pay for individual counseling, but not family counseling. Try her school counselor for recommendations.

I would like to chime in on the "group home" setting. Please don't place your daughter in a residential treatment facility - I worked at one for 3 years and they are places where kids get (bad) ideas - not help.

Good luck!
J.

You have a lot of different advice here, and I'm sure that much of it will work as long as you are consistent with whatever you choose. Don't let her move out, that is giving-up on her, and will probably result in her dropping out of school and going crazy being wild and doing whatever she wants, which will correct itself eventually, but so much time will be wasted for her. You must be strong for her and let her face concequences of her actions, bailing her out will only prove to her that she can have whatever she wants from you. You said the two rules are respect and honesty, the fact that she doesn't respect you and she's lying are indicators that your technique for enforcing these rules is not working. Punishing does not work, it makes teens more defiant and lie more to cover-up what you may not like, so you don't punish them. Lying comes from the truth not being good enough or a fear of displeasing you. The truth hurts and the truth is ugly- be ok with that and you will begin to make progess toward correcting this.

Good Luck

One of my son's older boys recently moved in w/us & seems to have the same problems w/honesty & respect. Getting is okay with him, but he's never had to give either-it wasn't a requirement in his mom's home. Consistancy is finally paying off for us. He is now starting to realize there are consequences for his actions-and they will fit the "crime".
My mom got me the book "No why kids-of all ages-need to hear it, & ways parents can say it" (really it's called just "No") by David Walsh. Reading the book was an affirmation that we were doing the right thing in some aspects but there were still areas where we needed work. We're learning teenager on the fly so that section I read & re-read. One of the things it said that might help you is a behavior contract. It gave a sample & then ways to make your own. Instead of just "respect" it would list something like "you will speak in a calm & level tone". Respect & honesty are great rules, but maybe she needs more specific ways to show respect. It also suggested (or maybe that was my ADHD book) to pick one thing to work on for the week. Since lying seems to be her big problem, maybe not lying about a certain thing to start-you can't fix her lying problem in a week, that's for sure!
Maybe her lying is a coping thing. You've been a single mom for most of her life, but she's also been a one-parent child too. Maybe she doesn't know how to verbalize what she's feeling (can't figure out the words) & she acts out instead w/her lying. A counselor-somebody from the outside at least, could be a pastor-might be better able to get to the bottom of the lying, figure out the "why" & help you both together fix the problem.
Good luck!

Hi H.; I was like your daughter as a teenager...very much so and I turned out to be the best kid in the family. :) That being said; you still have to get through the rest of her teen years. What I am going to suggest sounds harsh and kinda crazy but I have heard other friends and parents who did this and it worked like a charm. This is not to say it was without an extremely painful and difficult week. She will scream, tell you she hates you, etc, threaten to move out....whatever.

The next time you catch her lying or disobeying (not something minor) have an honest talk with her (without arguing). She is the child and she has to listen while you talk. Tell her that living in a family requires honesty, respect, and consideration, that you love her so much, you work very hard to provide for her, and she is taking advantage of you...you provide her with privileges such as cell phone, ipod, etc and she must obey and respect you or you will have to reconsider her maintaining these privileges. That you are considering a punishment and you will let her know what that is. When she is at school go to her room and pack up everything minus school books and regular books. I'm talking EVERYTHING; her bed frame (put the mattress on the floor and leave her with bedding). Take down posters, pictures, etc. take cds, ipod, tv, jewelry, etc. Leave her with clothes for school, shoes, books, and school stuff. When she gets home take her cell phone. Last but not least take her bedroom door off the hinges.

Tell your daughter she can earn these items back by being considerate, helpful, honest, and kind. Obviously give the door back first. LOL.

I know it sounds really mean but it works...my parents did something like this to me as a teenager...they told me everything that was left lying about the house or on the floor in my room would be taken away if I couldn't clean up after myself...and they did. They took everything including a science book from school and put it in trash bags in storage for a month! I was furious but I sure did learn to clean up after myself.

Good luck and hang in there!

I am also a single mom. I found it much easier to relate to my daughter who is now 18. She has a little attitude but I feel it will be just what she needs to get her by in the real world. I could sit and fight with her all day but I choose my battles and she is a good kid so that is not many to choose. My son, on the other hand, is a different story. He lies and tries to manipulate me whenever he can. I can't say that he is disrespectful a lot. I just feel that a tough love approach is what he needs. The real world can give kids more lessons than we can. I would say to start giving her a taste of the real world. Make her pay for her things. She can wash her own clothes. If she drives, make her pay her insurance. Does she work? Let her enjoy working and then seeing how fast money goes. I think she wants to get your attention and that is why she says the things she does. I know my mother is a religious zealot and when my kids are around her that is when they act the worst. Don't let her get your goat. Teenagers can be like animals and they live for YOUR anxiety and fear.

OH dear. This sounds a lot like me when I was a teenager. And I had great parents just like you. My problem was that I was a people pleaser. I wanted to make EVERYONE happy- my friends AND family- which often meant conflicting lifestyles. I was soon living a double life and caught in a HUGE web of lies and deceit. Eventually that attitude took over me and i became pretty disrespectful. My parents did what a lot of parents have talked about on here already- they completely stripped my bedroom. I had NOTHING but scriptures and books and a bed. They even took some of my clothes! Also, I went to couseling. I don't really know why but it only took 1 session of that for me to begin to see the light so to speak. AND i changed schools. I was able to start fresh in a new enviornment with a new sense of self and it helped DRAMATICALLY! I know changing schools is tough but I did it in the middle of my junior year and i'm SO glad i did. Just suggestions obviously but they made a huge difference for me. Good luck! I don't look forward to those days and H. I'll have as much help as you! :)

Try www.standupparenting.org. It's a parenting support group to help with the kind of challenges you are facing. They're a phenomenal resource and all the parents I've run into have faced your problems and more. Good luck!

hi, well she may be a little depressed. lots of children get depressed and they try grugd and smoking and alchol to self medicate. you could talk to her school counseler or some one from a church. she may need some counseling. the one thing you cant do is give up on her. she needs you more now then ever and if she sees you giving up you may lose her for ever. you are not alone, chin up this to will pass, with time and a little help.

I don't envy your situation. It sounds VERY similar to my niece who is now 23. She, I believe is a pathological liar. Do some research and see what can be done as fast as you can. My sister never wanted to admit the extreme problems that my niece's lying and selfish behavior caused and constantly defended her. My niece can be very charming, fun and is a great actress. I love her, but I know that she has major problems.

A smart girl, she went off to college, failed and lied about it. Made empty promises, took student loans and stopped going to class. Her self centered behavior continued as she bought clothes on credit and ended up over 70k in debt to student loans and credit cards! My sister lost her house because they have to pay on her loans since they co-signed while my niece joined the Navy. Pathological liars have a hard time "getting better" so if I were you I would seek professional help as fast as you can!

I am so sorry your daughter is having these difficulties. I know it is heartbreaking as an aunt so I can only imagine it is much harder for a mom. I will keep you in my heart as you work through this. Best wishes, L.

You might want to read Parenting with Love and Logic. They even have teen focused cd's for listening to also. I don't have teenagers yet, but the Love and Logic techniques have saved our world! The authors/cofounders are Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline and are from here in Colorado. Most of their resources are also available at the library so you can check them out for free if you need.

Good luck!

The first advice would be to keep her under your roof until she is 18 because of the liability you have no matter where she lives.

Secondly, take her in for a test to determine if she is Bi-polar or just being a rebellious teenager. This could help determine your next plan of action.

Thirdly, pray and we will be praying for you. Hang in there and stick to your rules.

Not sure where you live but in Boise ID we have a great resource, The Hays Shelter Home. Give them a call they may have some really good advice.

Another resource is Teen Challenge. Look them up on the web, they have many locations across the US. Good luck to you. Love and prayers are with you.

hi
i raised my daughter all by myself from the age of 4 1/2 to age 16. Her dad was not around nor did my family help us.
Might your daughter have been hurt by someone physically, emotionally or sexually??
It would be helpful if your daughter would go to a counselor, or if the two of you would go together.
IF she won't go it would be so helpful if you would go. It seems as if she is "screaming" for help. I grew up with very few rules and it was really hard .The couple of rules I had, I broke. Please get some parenting ideas from a professional. Your daughter needs you. And you both deserve a better relationsip.
Take care

Teens can be strange even at their best, but this sounds out of hand. Please get some counseling from a professional you trust. If you're a churchgoer, start there (nobody will be surprised at your story); if not, ask trusted friends for a name. You need to know how to handle yourself in this situation as well as your daughter.

My first thought when I read your description of what was going on was to wonder if your daughter may really be on drugs. But since you can't trust what she says at any time, you can't evaluate this alone.

However, another factor is that teenagers, even those NOT on drugs, can at times say the opposite of what they mean. A kid who declares, "I hate you and your rules and can't wait to leave home," may be really feeling, "I'm absolutely terrified at the thought of being on my own soon." Whoever said parenting was easy?!