So my brother has been married almost 2 years but he considered bailing out even before their big elaborate wedding. They have vicious fights, she tells him what to do, wear etc, not much in common/different values and neither is happy. He doesn't have many friends in area other than me. My parents are so worried but feel he married the wrong girl and just want him to be happy. Counseling didn't help. He is not sure what to do next. She brushes him off when he says he wants to consider a separation. Any advice?! Thanks.
EDIT: No kids
Do they have children?
If not, tell him to get out before they do.
If they do have children ask him if he wants to be a weekend, visiting father to them and have to hear about all of mom's new boyfriends and how they are treating his kids.
I would say just be there for him, listen to him, offer suggestions BUT keep in mind he might stay with her so never say anything BAD about her to him. Do they have kids? If not, encourage him to make sure it stays that way until they make a decision O. way or the other.
Tell him to go back to the counselor alone.
This has to be his decision so that he can live comfortably with it. Let a good counselor get him through it.
Your job is to listen and love him no matter what he does.
Oh my gosh, if it's really this bad this and there's no kids, this should be a no brainer...LEAVE!!!! I was married before and it was horrible and I got the heck out before having kids, soooo easy. Once kids are involved sooooo much harder.
I think the best thing you can do is just be there for him. But if he asks - honestly I'd tell him - BAIL DUDE!! No kids!?!? Please end it now before kids enter the picture.
Sorry for being so honest, but gosh, having kids will change everything and then you'll be on this site asking what to do for the poor kids who have to witness all this fighting, yada yada yada...
Yuck. Just listen and offer to help him regardless of his decision. It sounds like he knew this wasn't going to work, but probably got "pushed" into the wedding by the momentum. Unfortunately, this isn't all that uncommon. I have had two friends divorce within two years b/c they forgot that after the wedding, they were actually married to the person!
As others have said, don't speak negatively about her b/c if they stay together and work through their differences you will be the "bad guy". Stay supportive and neutral and encourage him to seek-out counseling for himself. Sometimes having someone completely uninvolved to discuss options and causes is the very best thing.
Dont' talk about her in vain that wont help. be a listener and offer advice when asked
This is one of those examples of your brother sharing all of his personal dirty laundry with the family and getting them all upset. They are probably both too immature otherwise you wouldnt be privvy to his business. Life and marriage, neither one, are a bowl of cherries every day. The sooner we figure that out the more prepared we are to meet the challenges and win the battles.
If they have kids I would encourage you to remind him of his responsibilities and learn to tune wifey out when she tries to dress him as if he's a small child. He either needs to embrace her quirks or grab his balls and tell her enough is enough.
Remnd him to remember why he married her in the first place. There must be something there he liked once.
Other than that, I agree that you shouldnt take sides and just be a neutral listener. Maybe be friendly with your SIL and get her side of the story so you have a better perspective.
Unfortunately he will have to make the decision on his own. I would stay out of it and not sway him one way or the other. Just be a good listener. If they have kids and she takes them, he will be paying up the nose in child support most likely and will have all those visitation problems. They are young, she's learning to be a wife and he's learning to be a husband. It does take some time. I think they should go to a counselor before getting a divorce tho.
I think the best thing you can do is be a good listener and encourage him when you can. At the same time, however, if he is the kind of person who will go on and on until he wears out his welcome, be prepared to set some boundaries or you'll be listening to him nonstop!
Hi J.,
I'd help him find a good lawyer. Be there for him during the divorce. And take him out to dinner afterward to celebrate getting out of a bad marriage. Terrific there are no children involved!!! Make sure none are produced! Lesson learned from big mistake. Time to move on.
Good luck,
: ) M.D.
Even if your brother is not a religious man, get him the movie "Fireproof" and the book "The Love Dare". Watch what can happen. =) You might want to watch the movie first so you know what it's about and what he will be going through. Ask him to make a 40 day commitment. 40 days isn't that long. There was a reason he married her. They need to get back to that reason. Give him the movie and the book and then just be there when he needs you.
There are a couple of things going on here. At first, it sounds like an abusive situation with her being the demanding boss, and him being the victim essentially asking for permission to separate but not doing it when she says no. So perhaps he's so beaten down emotionally that he cannot decide. However, you say they have "vicious fights" so perhaps he has an anger problem too?
At second glance, it sounds like he might be getting a big payoff by talking to you all the time. And your parents are upset. I'm not sure what they are so worried about -- can he not survive on his own? Does he work? Are they against divorce for religious reasons? I don't understand their position - I can understand being sad it didn't work out, but with no kids, it's not so hard to split up. Is he enjoying the drama of talking about it to everyone else?
Not sure why counseling didn't help - maybe they didn't stick to it, maybe they didn't have a good counselor. In any case, he should go back on his own and work on the issues that are keeping him in a negative situation. Maybe he never truly committed to the marriage - just the wedding? He can make a plan with an objective counselor and develop some strengths to help him make a decision. Clearly continuing in the existing situation is not healthy.
I agree with others about not bad-mouthing her. She could be the most terrible person on the face of the earth, or maybe there's another side to this. In any case, you don't know the whole story but your primary loyalty is to your brother. The best thing to do is to support him in making positive steps, not just in repeating the sad story to you. It makes you feel important in his life, which is good, and it keeps him talking, which could be good if it's not enabling him to stay stuck in this lousy situation. Some people like being the center of attention even if it's negative - so he still needs to work with an objective professional to get some clarity on his wishes, his needs, his strengths and even his shortcomings.
