How Did You Know He Was the One?

When I caught him making fun of the same people I made fun of in college.

Melts my heart just thinking about it now....

All I can say is that you are very young....if you still feel the same way in 5 years, then it is right and if he is the one, 5 years from now, he will still be there.

I knew he was the one because I couldnt live without him. Hes the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night. When he was away I almost felt like I couldnt breathe. I was absolutely thrilled when he married me.

Okay, I hate to be the person to point this out but if you are 18 you have never been burned by men, they are just not old enough to be considered men. Not to mention there is just no way you could have even dated that many boys!

I knew Troy was the one within two hours of talking to him. The reason was simple, I was old enough to have the experience to know what I feel, what I need.

I would suggest you let yourself grow up a bit, learn what your needs are so that you can see the compliment to those needs in a man.

Again, sorry, but your words, "THE one", "burned by men", "one more disaster" show a lot of drama which indicates a lack of maturity. Only with maturity will you "know" they are the one. :)

What!? JB, good catch! Trying to get pregnant!!! What the heck is wrong with you!!? Children should not try to have children!

I also want to add, I was 41 when I met Troy, this was after an 18 year marriage that failed, okay crashed and burned! You have to have the maturity to take past failures and learn from them, not blaze on to the next failure.

Let me get this straight...you're 18, you're dating a 27 year old, you don't know if he's "the one" and yet based on your other question, you're trying to conceive a child?

Please do yourself and your future children a favor...go on birth control and wait. You are too young and not in the right space in your life to be someone's mother. You have your whole life ahead of you...what's the rush? At 18, you should be focusing on your career, higher education or job training, and figuring out what you want from life. Once you've got some education or are in a decent job with a career path, focus on living on your own and getting in a good place financially to live as an independent young woman, then get married and then plan on having children. Having a baby as a teenager with boyfriend is not fair to a baby. If it happens by accident, that's one thing, but to deliberately set about to do that is selfish and immature.

I don't mean to be harsh, but at 18 you have no idea what life is about. You just haven't been on the planet long enough. What you want and where you'll be in 5 or 10 years will be nothing like what you want and where you are now. I became at mom at 22 (not planned). Luckily, I had my college education completed and was able to start a career that allowed me to support myself and my child with some daycare help from my parents but I can assure you that almost 14 years later, even with a great career, a husband, a house in the suburbs and mini van in the driveway, I am way behind my friends who are my age AND my kids' friends' parents, who are much older than me.

Take it from someone who started a family young and out of order - education and career first, marriage second, children 3rd.

If this guy is "the one" he'll want what's best for you, which is not to rush into a stage of life that you're not ready for. He will grow with you and wait and be there in 5 years.

There is no 'one'.

There are only TWO people willing to check their egos at the door and make the relationship work.

Plus, I've got two sons your age, and they are not MEN by ANY stretch of the imagination. Same as you're a GIRL, they're boys.

Geez, what's the big rush already?

:/

M.,

I didn't find THE one until I was 32. THIRTY TWO! That's like a whole other life of a M., right? Lots of us on this site are going to encourage you to take it slow. It's very hard to take things slow when you're 18 though. And I dont want to put down this relationship because of your age. I just want you to take it easy. Like the other poster said, you are trying things out. Don't rush things.

I knew my husband was the right one when I found it effortless to be with him. When I cared for his happiness and well being as much - or more than mine (and he cared the same for me). When being with him was just as easy as breathing the air.

Married life is not about being crazy in love with tension and aching and heartbreak. It's pretty boring. Sweetly golden and joy filled, but boring.
Don't rush. You've got a whole other M. life to explore.

ETA: And PLEASE don't have a baby with a man you are not sure about. I just read your other question. Holy Cow, girl! Sloooowwwwww down!

I'm so glad you are reaching out and asking a great question. This is one of the most important things to get right!!!

When you are 18 or so, it seems like you are in a race to get to the finish line (marriage, kids, a house, ect.). I remember it well.

One of the best things I did for myself is to STOP dating from ages 21-24. I'm wishing I had done it sooner. It was like going on a diet of no longer eating candy or carbs. Once you got away from it, you realized that you didn't crave it as much and allowed you to look at the bigger picture. All of a sudden, I saw things I would have dismissed as "ok" if I liked a guy. I cringe at what I would allow as a standard ( a very low one).

I was 25 when I met my husband and we met as friends first. I didn't even think of him as a potential boyfriend. It just kind of happened.

When did I know, after I had a long time to get to know him and really see past lust and issues. We even broke up when I first moved across country to teach. That lasted about 4 months, but we kept in contact.

Before you ever get married, ask yourself, "Does he treat me with UNCONDITIONAL love and respect (that means being a partner in the relationship with open communication and split responsibilities)? Will he be the type of father I want my son to be like and the type I want my daughter to marry?"

Good luck to you. He sounds great, but do this old lady a favor. Take your time. Even if you are engaged and the wedding is tomorrow, you can still change your mind if it doesn't feel right.

M., I won't tell you you are too young to have bad experiences with men. I started dating a guy at 17 that was verbally and emotionally abusive, it lasted about two years. Worst time of my life.

I will tell you that you could be my cousin and his wife. She got married when she was 19 and he was 26. Five years and two kids later, they are going through a nasty divorce. Though some marriages do work that early, (my parents married at 18 and 20 and are still married 35 years later), I think that for the most part, you still need time to grow and figure out who you are.

From your previous post, you two are trying to conceive. That to me, says he is NOT the right one for you. He may be ready for a family, but if he was really the right one for you, he would realize you need some time to learn how to be YOU before you become a mom.

That was part of my cousins wife's problem. As she got older she grew into someone different than who she was at 19. Your late teens and early twenties are prime time for you, not really a time to be a mother. Not, saying that there aren't some great mothers at that age, just most of the moms I know that have had kids so early, later tell me. I love my kids, I just wished I would have waited till I was older....I would have been a better mother.

Love does not = the one.
Even if you do think you have the one, that does not mean it will always be.
And if you think you have the one, does your partner feel the same way, too?
There can also be many "the one's" in life. I've had that and other marriage proposals. Then, it ended. Because of me or him.

Then with my Husband, I just sort of knew.
He felt the same way.
We got married.
We are still married.
But just because we both thought we were each other's "the one"... that does not mean it is all peachy and perfect and blissful and it is not a honeymoon everyday.
A person... no matter how much you think they are "the one".... they have warts and imperfections too. And then, reality is there. So then you have to see if you can then, live with the reality of your "the one" or just want the idea of it.

I have had boyfriends who treated me like a Queen. Then, well, they also had a.... really bad side too. So then you gotta realize that and get out.
Then, I have had a boyfriend that was older than me. And he treated me like a Queen too. Everyone thought he was so perfect. Sure I loved him. He loved me. But after a time, it faded. I left him. I did think he was "the one" at one time. But after much soul searching, I knew he wasn't.

You can never.... predict disaster in a relationship.
But you are the only "rudder" of your relationship. Looking out for yourself and knowing... yourself. So that, you can know... if you have a good partner for yourself and all the wonderful things about it and that it is reciprocal and healthy mentally and emotionally.

And why the heck are you trying to get pregnant?
When you don't even know if he is the one?
And what guy, would be wanting to get pregnant with a girl/woman so young?
How long have you been dating?
Do you have a job or got yourself in college?
Getting pregnant, is not going to magically make a guy, "the one."

You've been "burned so many times" by men at 18?
At 18, I hadn't decided on a college major nor had I even begun my education! I certainly wasn't looking for the qualities in a man at 18 that I was when I was 30.
When I met "the O.", I owned my own home, had a career, a car and money in the bank for a rainy day. I had traveled and was independent and self supporting. I wasn't even looking for "the O." before that!
At the time, I was older than your boyfriend is now.
"Treats me better" does not equal "the love of my life"!
I knew I had found the right person when I wanted him in my life, not "needed" him in my life (financially, etc.) It's all in the choosing.
Good luck!

Devils Advocate Here:

At 18 you have not been 'burned by MEN' so many times...you have been burned by BOYS...

So, that being said...I knew HE was THE one when everything was just SO easy and I could see myself with ONLY him for as FAR as I could see!

14+ years and counting!

If he is OK with getting you pregnant now without marrying you first I think he is not "the one" My husband loved and respected me too much to do that to me before marriage.
From 18 years old to 22 along with going to school and working PT my life was one big party. I just wanted to have fun, date nice fun guys and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I really enjoyed dating and I dated a lot but I NEVER had a relationship I would consider a disaster. If we weren't enjoying each other company we parted ways. It really wasn't a big deal probably because I was not having sex with them.
I also can tell you my friends that wanted to "play house" at even 20 yrs old are now divorced and going out to bars and partying partly because they missed so many good times when they were younger. They feel that they missed out.
I agree with the other posters that said get an education, get a job, be totally independent then find someone you want to share your life with.
For me it was easy to know my husband was the right one. He was and still is my best friend of 19 years.

when I was old enough and had enough experience to realize who I was (I'm still learning) what I DIDN'T want and what was good qualities in a husband/father. Honestly I thought my ex was "The one" and was with him many years but right now you should be concentrating on finding out who you are. Why you let yourself get burned so many times, what you want in the future, what schooling you want, if you want to travel....there are so many things you should be doing right now and finding the One isnt possible...sure people get lucky and marry "the one" at 18 BUT thats a huge rarity and I would argue they weren't the one at 18 for eachother but grew into the one for eachother as they discovered who they were. The statisitcs don't lie people who marry young have a higher rate of divorce I married at 21 and it was over when I was 26---and I had been with him 7 years before marriage. Figure out who you are first

I am happy you are posting questions on this wonderful forum. There are so many woman with different stories, I really think you could benefit from all their different perspectives.

I read your posts about your boyfriend loves to play video games all day. Both of you made plans to go out for the evening but he wouldn't stop playing. That to me speaks volumes about this relationship.

Please look thru posts on mamapedia. There are sooooo many topics you could really benefit from. You got 34 answers to your post. I didn't read all of them, but it seems everyone told you;

wait on marriage,
DON'T get pregnant,
get an education,
enjoy life, you are very young

I was 14 when I met my now ex. We planned our first baby when I was 16, she was born when I was 17, he was 19. We were together till she was 3. Now she is 21. I am so sad that I couldn't provide her with the home of two parents, that she deserved.

I missed out on A LOT. All my girlfriends were out having fun but I couldn't go out. I didn't have ANY help (no family). My ex was a DJ so he never took our daughter, cause his excuse was he was working every weekend.

Although I love my daughter to death and I gave up my entire life to raise her, I regret not loving her enough to WAIT to have her. You WILL be giving up your life to raise a child. Most men just do NOT have that *motherly* instinct that we woman have, so we woman end up rearing the chldren (again, read posts on mamapedia to see what I'm talking about).

I am married to a wonderful man now and a wonderful provider. I married him when I was 31, we now have 3 children. My daughter was 13 when I got married. I wish she had what my 3 kids have right now, the total package.

The "one" can mean lots of things to different woman. For me it's about security, respect, tolerance, great morals, family committed, religion, hard worker, career oriented, of course love, and sooo much more that I adore about my husband. There will be disagreements but in the end I don't have to worry about anything.

You are young, you have many many more frogs to kiss. BUT for the love of God, please DO NOT have a baby. If you get anything out of these answers, please DO NOT have a baby. I know I cannot stress that enough.

If you have to question it he's not the one.

Date! for a VERY long time. At your age (I don't mean for that to come off patronizing) you have so much time and so many experiences to go through marriage shouldn't even be a thought. Focus on you and what you're into (school, friends, hobbies etc...). Hang out with him when it's convenient for YOU! A girl with a full life is a happy, fulfilled girl and doesn't need a man. To me men are garnish. Your plate should be full of wonderful things like friends, family, hobbies, education, job etc... a man should just be the garnish on the plate. He is what can make your life even more beautiful but a man should never be your whole plate. When you're with someone because you WANT to be with him and not because you feel like you NEED to be with him you're much closer to finding your mate.

You're 18 and you've been burned by men "so many times." Sister, you've been on this earth less then 2 decades, how many men have you really had time to see? You are trying to conceive and you aren't sure yet? Honestly, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. KNOW you will be married to him Get married. THEN have a baby. I don't think a GREAT man would try to convenience will so many questions swirling around.

You know you've found the right person, when you don't have to worry about whether or not it will be a disaster. You are BARELY considered an adult. SLOW DOWN. You will regret all this pushing and rushing. A mature 27 year old man, wouldn't want you to even do that. Think about it.

You have your whole entire life to find "The One" and to have babies. Why rush now? I know that being married, and having children seems glamorous RIGHT NOW but what about when you have it and your 19? 20? Can anyone really guarantee that this guy is the one that going to stick by you no matter what? Be the one who provides and will still treat you well?

You have no idea if this same man, who "treats you well" is still going to in a few months, or years from now. You could become a single divorced Mom just as soon as you started all this. Why put that on yourself, or an innocent baby. If this does happen, then you have no job, no money or way to support you and your new baby. Then think of the hard decisions you would have to make. More hard then just trying to figure out if someone is the one.

Being married and having kids is a BIG responsibility, and it is stressful, and hard, and frustrating. It can also be wonderful, fulfilling, and magical. BUT, with the RIGHT person, and at the RIGHT time! You are only 18 girl, please dont try to rush your life away. You have sooo so many years ahead of you to figure all this out. Like others said, get yourself together, education, job, and have fun for a few years. Really find YOU first then everything else out later.

If he really, truly loves you, then he will wait. He will wait until you form into the person you are meant to be, and want to be, without the pressures and hardships of being a wife and mother so early in your very young years. Take it from everyone else who is older than you, and have more experience. If he really wants to be with you then he will wait.

He shouldnt be rushing you. Thats how you know if he is right. He is willing to put off the marriage and babies, until YOU are ready.

Give yourself time to grow up first!

Gosh, how could have been burned so many times already? You're only 18! Slow down.

I didn't. That is the honest truth. I never had this aha moment when I first met him. I liked him and I felt very comfortable with him. He is a VERY good friend to me. He supports me in everything I do - like having a fan club at all times! He does not get jealous and is not clingy. He likes it that I'm independent. We have the same core beliefs about things. He is super smart and I find that very attractive. We both are very active and like to try new things and spontaneously go do things/go places. He is kind and can be very funny. He likes to joke around with me. :) He is mature and does not do "drama". He does not yell or show anger when we disagree...we calmly will talk it out. We have been together since 1992 and our relationship is very strong. I have to add - we met in college but we waited 7 years to get married. We did not rush things - we just had a good time and we also worked on ourselves. We went on many adventures together and we both worked on our education/graduate school together and had careers started before kids. I think if you are 18 you should wait...there is no hurry.

You might be me at that age, only I wasn't trying to have a baby, but I was having sex. I had my first baby at 20. Got married at 21, had babies number 2 and 3 at 22 and 24. My husband is older than I am by more than 12 years. It has been a STRUGGLE and a lot of work on both of our parts to get our marrige to where it is now, where I feel most people kind of start off at.

Relationships are a lot of work. You have to make it through the really bad times and the really good times. They can't be good all the time. As a young mom, PLEASE do not have babies now. Yes they are fun, but man I missed out on some fun things.

Like others have said, no one would trade their kids for the world, but had I really planned better and been smarter, I'd just be having my babies now.

I second Jennifer S on this... I had a baby and was married by 19 and I was so sure he was it. Then at 20 I was divorced and a single mom. As Jennifer S pointed out, I am a great mom but I lost my prime time. I wish that now as a 26 year old I was just getting started having babies. I wouldn't take my son back for anything in the world, but there are years that I missed out on. Wait to get married and have babies... you have your whole life for that, but you only have your youth once.

Wow, you want a magic answer. No such thing. Here are my thoughts.

Don't second guess. Enjoy life. Good and bad things happen in life. Focus on the good. Visualize it being good. Work hard for it to be good. Bad things still happen on occasion. If you count on disaster you are flirting with it. Just go with it, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. it does not make any sense to live in fear of the possible bad in the future, which will only make you miss out on the enjoyment of the now.

All that said, use a little common sense. Don't rush out and get married at the age of 18. Enjoy your guy and see where it goes while making a life for yourself that is not all about him. Remain an individual.

I knew because I could see our whole future together....and it kinda scared me :o) Of course, we were just 16, but 13 years later we're still together....married for 8 years and 3 beautiful daughters later, I love him now than I ever imagined possible. He's my BEST friend and there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other.

My advice would be to take it slow. Just because you *know*, doesn't mean you have to get married this instant. I waited almost 6 years to marry my husband (yes, we were young to start with). Truly, take your time and develop a real, lasting relationship with him.

You ask a great question. I hope all these responses give you some food for thought. I met my husband at age 26 and married him at 27. He turned 32 on our honeymoon. 5 years difference didn't really cause a problem for us because we were at the same life stage: education finished, careers established and financially squared away. We realized very quickly in our courtship (I say courtship instead of dating because we weren't having sex and our intentions were for marriage, not just to "hang out") that we were very similar in our religion, politics, family ideals, and future aspirations. My husband knew after our first date that I was what he was looking for in a mate and it took me about 2 weeks to figure out he was "the one" and I could quit shopping around. We went through 6 months of premarital counseling after we were engaged and that helped reassure us that we truly were a good match, emotions aside. I think I knew I had found my husband when I no longer tempted to keep dating. Once you find that perfect outfit, you quit shopping, Right? If you aren't sure he's the one, chances are he isn't. Timing is important too.
Lots of things change in your life, personality, and plans for the future between ages 20 and 25 (think college, career, employment--life experience). I was SOOO much different at 26 when I met my husband-to-be than when I started college at 18. I knew what was important to me and I had a chance to see what worked and didn't work in marriages of my friends. My sister married a man 9 years older when she was 24. Her marriage ended in divorce 12 years later. There were just so many challenges that she was not able to conquer. A friend of mine was 21 when she married a man 9 years older because she was pregnant. They have struggled much, but now enjoy a good marriage. She does admit that now in her mid thirties, the age gap does still matter. Please be cautious when making a lifetime decision at your age. There is no harm in waiting a few years.
Wish you the very best and I hope I have helped in some way.

He said, "I snuggle."

So sorry! I had only read the title question. This is a different issue.

Did you know it generally takes a person to be 27 years old to gain control of their impulses? Talk to others in their 30s or older. Ask them when they became themselves and basically knew who they were. Ask them when they really knew what they wanted to do in life. Notice the age people are when, if they go straight through college and a master's program or an MD program, what age they are.

It is interesting that in the US we have made 18 the age of adulthood legally (except for alcohol!). In Japan, the age of adulthood is 20, and that means people have two years of college in them before that happens.

Another issue is voice. Read Their Eyes Were Watching God and talk about it with a group of women. Discuss the theme of voice. Often, historically, it has taken a woman a long time to develop a voice to state her true desires and have the moxie to follow the course. In the meantime, she is doing as she is told or is along for the ride of experience. Many women of today are raised to have a voice, so this may change, we'll see.

Right now, treat him as one thing out of many that you are trying out. Same with your career, location you want to live, and all the rest. The media has played up romance as THE question to resolve, and at quite a young age. I wish I had been raised to be concerned about the other aspects in my life rather than wanting to find a companion to rid my feeling of loneliness that were created by the media with its focus on romantic love. There are so many fulfilling things to be spending your time on rather than wrestling with, "Is he the one?" Rather, consider, "Am I one who is fully ready for a lifetime commitment? What else do I need before that happens?"

I was 18 when I met my now husband. Hes only a 1 1/2 older than me but with him everything seemed so easy. Neither of us was looking for a relationship when we met since my ex and his ex cheated on us with each other. It was more of a meeting of the scorn and we were there for each other.
Fast forward almost 12 years later we are still together. I had gotten pregnant after being together less than a year unplanned, we didnt get married until almost 4 years ago. If he is the "one" it wont matter how long you wait he will still be there.
As for age difference a friend of mine met her husband when she was 17 and he is 9 years older than her as well. They have been together for 11 years and married for almost 5. Again shows the fact that even if you do wait he will still be around!
Your only 18 and the only regret that I sometimes have is I wish we would of had more time to have fun and do what we wanted to do before kids. Im not saying I regret having my son in anyway as God had his own plan and I didnt have my daughter who was planned till 5 years later. We had a blast being up to get up and go to places without having to worry about kids. Have fun while you can, you dont get your youth back!

First off, no matter how old you are, don't get married until you've been with the person for a year. If they are the right one, it will seem like nothing. If they are wrong, it gets you past the honeymoon phase (in most cases) and shakes out a lot of problems.

Second, you are only 18. Yes, many people find their one and only when they are that young, but many others are still growing and changing. Right now, concentrate on making sure you are doing what is required to become an independent human being, and at 18 that probably means schooling of some sort, not worrying about marriage and babies.

Now, on to the question:
He should treat you well. All the time. If he calls you names, belittles you in any way, or hurts you - he's not the one.
He should not have problems with drugs or alcohol.
He should have what it takes to hold down a good job. Not skills, but work ethic and an ability to play with others.
He should not compare you to other women, or go after other women.

Those are the basics. On top of that it is a gut feeling, and time that will tell. For me it was a sense that he was part of me, and a comfortableness. For everyone it is a little different, I think. But life isn't always easy, and you should have a strong feeling that neither of you would walk away without a struggle. Because even in the best marriages there is a struggle.

He treated me the way I had always wanted to be treated. Better, in fact.
He called me every single day from the first day we met. There was no "why hasn't he called". No games.
He had his life together. He had a good job, car that ran, his own place. He did not have problems that he needed me to solve. He took me on real dates, to fun places like sports games or nature parks. Introduced me to his family and friends. Unlike many other guys whose idea of dating was sitting around on his couch watching movies.
That's how I knew!

I met my husband at 16 years old and I just knew - I know that sounds cliche but its true. I dont think anyone can help you to feel your way through this one. Its one of those things where you just know
Good Luck

I met mine when I was 17 and he was 29 (I am now 20, and he is 32).

I have cheated on every man that I have ever been with (Not proud of it), EXCEPT him. I knew that he was the one when it was our 1 year anniversary and I realized that I had absolutely no desire to ever cheat on him.

I didn't have to consciously think 'he's a good guy". There was an immediate connection that you don't feel with anyone else... Mine wasn't "the one" out of me concluding and weighing out this and that, mine wasn't the one because it was practical or logical. There was a deep attraction beyond mental or physical (though there was plenty of that, too)

He asked me to marry him the first day we started dating. There was no doubt or thought necessary. Nothing else mattered, there was no discussion about anything. I already knew him. I immediately said yes. It was smooth sailing from there. We've been together 10 years, have four kids, and we still act like newly weds and we are best friends. I have yet to even be tempted outside of marriage for ANY reason- additionally I have not thought of one guy being more attractive- think of ANY "hot" celebrity, in my mind, my husband has them all beat. He fulfills everything- and I do the same for him. We work together well as a team, we balance each other out, we've had no big "issues", and we are still very much in love. I think we are a great example of meeting "The One".

You don't need to think, you just know... At least I didn't. My guess is your guy isn't the one because you are already unsure.

Keep in mind, though. I don't believe most people marry "The One".

And I'm going to say it, too. You ARE very young (how in the heck have you had a CHANCE to be "burned by men"? You've just become a woman!)... but YET, I started dating my husband at 20, so I can't be too hypocritical here. HOWEVER, He was 20, too.

To You Moms On Here: I know she's young and that THIS guy is probably not the one for her to settle down with, but the advice for her to wait several years before you start dating again?!?!? That has nothing to do with her question. And REAL, TRUE, love is not planned. That is lame advice for "logical" thinking... I'm SUPER glad I went with my gut at 20. I've got the best married life around!!! :)

Questions are... 1) Have you felt this way about anyone else and then been burned? 2) Does he feel the same way about you? 3) Are you willing to fight to stay with him for the rest of you life? 4) Are you willing to pick your battles and compromise when it is needed?

If you said yes to all but the first - he just might be the one.

I see that a lot of post say you are to young at 18 - to wait and see how it goes. I was 15 when I feel in love with the man I saw myself with forever... but I never questioned it - I just knew, eventhough everyone else told me I couldn't and it would never last. We married when I was 17 yrs old, are still married 17 years later & have 6 little ones. I still see myself with him for the rest of my life!

Now I did ask a few of the questions because we do fight (never hit out of anger), but we always find a way of making it work. As to picking battles - it can be hard living with someone else & their habits... you have to choose with ones you can get use to and which ones are just to much - and try to work out something on the to much ones. If he is the one - remember that as the one you can't change him completely or he won't be the one anymore.