How Do I Gain Control??? Losing My Mind

I absolutely understand your frustration. You have talked until you are blue in the face, and now you are so frustrated that you feel you have no options except yelling and spanking. But they aren't working, are they? It sounds like your kids are at each other a lot, and they either have a fit (yelling) or they try to get on the toilet seat at the same time (pushing & shoving, I imagine) or one pushes the other over.

The problem you're encountering is that they don't know how to regulate their behavior, or use their words instead of being physical (either against each other or individually by throwing fits). You want them to (ideally) do what they are supposed to do (get a fork, for example) or at least deal with their frustrations calmly. You don't want them to get to the end of their rope and erupt in frustration.

So here's the really really hard part. You have to model the behavior you want to see in them. That means you can't lose your temper, and you can't react by spanking. Otherwise, they see that's what big people do, so that's what they do. I don't want to get into a big argument over whether spanking is okay or not, but the fact is, it's not working for you or your kids.

Instead, you have to validate their feelings but show them a better way to do things. This takes time and patience, and I know you don't feel you have much of either. But if your kids keep seeing that you blow up, they'll do the same thing. One thing that's happening is that A is trying to get your attention by being babyish (saying she's going to fall in the toilet or can't get a fork by herself, for example). So you have to get in her face in a calm way and say, "I know you want me to get your fork right now, but I can't do it until I finish (whatever). So you can decide whether to wait for me or to get it yourself. Your choice." When M pushes A aside or starts something, CALMLY separate them and say they need time apart and to go to their rooms until they can play calmly and nicely. Remove the toy they are fighting over so that no one get to play with it. "I'll bring this back when you are calm and ready to get along." Say this matter-of-factly and without anger, as hard as that is.

When they see that their behavior does not get a reaction (and remember that negative attention is sometimes better, in their minds, than no attention at all), then they will realize their bad behavior does not pay off. When they come back together, give them hugs and tell them you love them. Also, try to "catch them being good" and compliment them when they play nicely or share. Don't say, "Isn't this better than an hour ago when you were fighting?" Just notice the good and remark on it.

You are not the worst mother. You are a tired and frustrated mom who picks her kids up and then tries to get everything done. If you can take 10 minutes for a cup of coffee at a coffee shop between your job and when you pick them up, just to re-group, do so. If you can take 10 minutes to just play and interact with them when you get home before you start dinner or your other responsibilities, do so. I know it's hard but if you can discipline yourself and get into a calmer frame of mind, the kids will follow suit. It won't happen the first day so try really hard not to get sucked back into the yelling/spanking cycle. You know that isn't working so don't go back to it.

Good luck!

How much time out of the house do you have to yourself? You sound like one seriously stressed out mama. Do you get a break or are you a SAHM 24/7? The change will start with YOU. I'm sure you know this already. So....what can you do to give yourself some time and space to center yourself? Does your 3.5 year old go to pre-school? If she does, can you use that time to take up running or yoga or something else that will relax and energize you? I think the first thing you need to do is find some way to make sure that you can relax and de-stress on a regular basis. I take a yoga class once a week and run with a friend at least two mornings a week. In a good week, I also bike and swim. I also go out a couple of times a month with friends and take time to relax and read when the kid are in bed. So find some way to relax - you deserve it, and don't think that you have no time. I have 4 kids and two jobs - if I can find time for me, you can too. It's not a luxury, it's as necessary as food and clothes and shelter.

Then...stop spanking! It doesn't work and just shows how out on control you are and gets them more riled up! Spanking never de-escalates or calms a situation. Go back to the books you have, pick one that you like (that doesn't involve spanking) and follow the method for 3 days. See how things go. If things are a little better, go for a week. Then three weeks. It takes about three weeks for behavior to change and then you may not have to consciously think about applying techniques because you will be doing it automatically. If you feel yourself getting off track, go back and follow the method more carefully.

We all have our psycho days - I had one this morning - but the key is knowing that you have the tools to make the next day (or afternoon or evening) better.

I found, when my kids were younger, that the days I lost control they also lost control. Sometimes the message we give our kids is that "since I can't control my emotions I need you to control yours..." And at age 3 and 6 that's not gonna happen.

Take a deep breath and know that many of us have been there. It's a tough age since they are so emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding. I know that when I lose it with my kids I'm almost never upset with them - but am upset with something else - frustrated with my husband, my situation with my elderly mother, frustrated with stuff at work, etc. I don't know why we do that - but we do.

When you're having one of those day communicate that to your kids. Tell them that you're kind of upset about a couple of things - not big important things, but just annoying things at work, or whatever. Ask them if that ever happens to them? You'll find that they can relate. Apologize to them for the days that you flip out - I've found that my kids were always very forgiving and hugs would go all around. It even helped in the future when I'd get that look on my face one of the kids would ask if I had a frustrating day. ;o)

Realize that nothing is going to work overnight. Just like when you want to try to change a bad habit you have plenty of times that you fail, then you have to get back up, dust yourself off and start over again. They will too.

Realize that when you begin to identify what's making you crazy and you can control yourself your kids will begin to realize they can also control themselves. I've attached a link to a parenting coach who often speaks at schools & churches - his seminars are often free and he will even offer his CD's and DVD's at big discounts if you can't afford them. But even if you sign up for his newsletters and "friend" him on FB you'll get some interesting tips as you go through the days, weeks & months to come. (He's going to be in Cincinnati in April - don't know if that's near you.)

http://celebratecalm.com/

This parenting stuff is not easy - we need all the help we can get!!! You'll get through this and you'll do a good job. Take a deep breath and pray. God cares about the details of your life. he does.

two things stand out to me:
1) you told your daughter she "could" get her own fork, and she "could" go use the other bathroom. Directives should be clear, non-aggressive, and short: "A, the forks are in this drawer, come get one for yourself while I'm cooking." "A, you hurry into the other bathroom while M uses this one." Leaves a LOT less room for negotiation and reactions.
2) you are stuck (understandably) in frustration and disbelief that they behave the way they do, it's all defense. You gotta start on offense now, and your objective is de-escalation. Look for the places where you can emphasize simple calm behavior, rather than the irritation that she's/they're not doing better. I say she at first because I think the older girl is bearing the brunt of your disappointment, she should know better, she's almost 7 etc. But she doesn't know better yet, she is where she is. And harping on how she (and you) is failing makes it 10 times worse for both of you.

Start off by giving yourself a way to calm down in these moments, it doesn't have to be more than counting to 5, but your BEST hope of calming them down is by modeling good behavior, good coping skills and rational reactions. I don't believe spanking helps because kids learn more from our actions than we want them too, what does spanking show them other than to fear you? You have to show them over and over again: approaching a problem calmly, thinking through options, and dealing with consequences.

De-escalation is working for me, I have just shifted how I deal with my 9 yo son, who reacts very negatively and loudly to everything. Normally I fuss at him to change his tone, or try to remind him of all the reasons why he should feel differently. Yesterday I said "I get it, you're disappointed, you gotta let it go. let it go." He brightened immediately and things were better than normal.

That's part of what "Listen To Your Kids" talks about -- hear what they are saying and acknowledge it, you don't have to solve it and definitely don't talk them out of it, but them knowing that you are listening makes a world of difference.

Good luck, hang tough, it'll get better!

Mine 3 oldest are 13 and still the same thing.
my son: She is in the bedroom, I can't change.
me: Go in the bathroom and change
my son: I don't want to change in the bathroom

or it is the other way around, one is in the bathroom and the other does not want to change in the bedroom.
They fight over the most ridiculous stuff.
And then add a 4 yr old to the mix. Sigh.

Sometimes, I get home and hear them yelling and want to turn around and go back to work. Or just hide.

Maybe you should take that vacation. A little time and distance and R&R could help you regain the patience and fortitude it will take to rein in your little ones.

What I've found is they totally feed off you - so as your getting more and more frustrated by their actions - they can feel it and in turn are acting worse cause they sense the tension, anger, etc.

I don't have great advice because I struggle with this myself - but I would stop the spanking cause it doesn't seem to work. With my 8 year old I pull privileges - it works like a dream. What does your 7 year old love more than anything else? For us it's ice cream - my son likes to have a dish before bed and we allow it UNLESS HE'S ACTING UP. Then it goes. NOthing works better than pulling that privilege - not screen time, bike time, etc - so you need to learn your kiddos "currency" and use it to your advantage.

I also second taking a little time away if you can. My husband came home enough times and found me wound tight and losing it - we finally implemented an "evening away" once a week for each of us - it works wonders.

Good luck - don't be so hard on yourself - and try some different tools. I know you can do it.

I understand this problem I have a 9 year old and a 2 year old(both boys). I started early with the 2 year and time outs are working really great. I talked to the Dr. she said ignore him during his fits. We started to while were at home and he gets bored and goes to his room and closes his door until he is calm. I would also have to agree with Ladybug C. Having rules and sticking to them help with my 9 year old, also he will get privileges took away. But don't do it for too long, if it's something they really can't live with out a day or two normally works for me and we normally don't have the problem again for a while if at all.

Hi
I wish I had the answer as I am going through the SAME thing!! I have 2 boys ages 8& 5 and sometime I feel like their goal is to get me so darn upset. They do the exact same thing your girls do! Let me tell you that I even attended parenting classes that have help a little but I have a long road ahead :/ In a nutshell ignore the negative behavior (as long as they are not hurting themselves) & praise the positive behavior.( Easier said than done) Try it. I know you probably have hear it before or read it but do it. Ignore the crying/ whining. Whisper instead of yelling to grab their attention & make eye contact. Seperate them. Give them alone time. Your girls are younger than my boys so I can see their behavior as normal sibling rivalry. I know it tough trust me. But I always remind myself this too shall pass. And it will. They will get older & then we will have NEW battles to deal with. Hope you have a better day. And if all else fails take a break. They will learn the consequences from their behavior. I tell my boys all the time "the choice is yours" Make good choices. This way they feel they are in control of themselves. :) Hang in there

You've got a lot of great suggestions - I skimmed through them, so if someone else already mentioned this and I missed it...sorry :). My only additional thought - don't be afraid to give yourself a "time out" in the heat of the moment. Just say, "Wow, I'm feeling really frustrated right now, I think I need a time out." Grab a book, sit on the couch, IGNORE anything but the house being on fire. If the kids argue for 5 minutes - they argue. They will probably try to do things to make you feel like you NEED to get up...but really think about it before you do...it will probably get worse before it gets better...but give it a day or two...it seemed to really help at our house - and now both of my oldest will give herself a time out when she needs it (she just turned 8). Another thing you can do is whisper - I have a lot of friends that do that when they feel like yelling. They will pick up on how you handle your stresses and frustration and copy it. Good luck!!

I'm sorry I had to chuckle, is this my house? My examples are "I want the red cup, NO I WANT THE RED CUP! Not fair! You meany! (oh I hate that one! lol Kids really do fight over the stupidest stuff! Mine are 9, 6 and 3. Mine won't share either. My oldest hides stuff under her bed....really??
I asked myself the other night which is worse, toddler years or teenage years? Since I haven't hit teenage years, I'm not sure. Moms need a break, sadly we don't get enough of them and are so under appreciated, but I guess it's how you look at things. When they are older maybe they will understand and Mother's Day will mean so much more. Sorry you are having a bad day, week, month..whichever.. you're not alone : )

I agree with JB...get some time OUTS for yourself and stop spanking. It's obviously not working for you.

Post house rules and the consequences. Review them twice per day with your girls: morning and evening.
Consistently enforce the rules and consistently use the consequences.
Good luck!

They see you modeling a type of behavior. They push your buttons and you lose it. They push each other's buttons and they lose it, just like mommy models for them. You have to get yourself under control first. Talk to a family counselor, make yourself a resolution every week. Your kids are not worse than other kids, think about teachers who teach in inner city schools or special needs schools, their buttons get pushed, their students misbehave, but they rarely scream because they know it doesn't help and it sets a really bad example. Pretend you have 20 students and half have behavior problems, how would you plan? Make a set schedule. homework, playtime, story time, bath time dinner time are all determined by the clock. Set up charts, list the rules, list the consequences. Make sure they are never over tired.
Treat yourself as the one who needs to be changed first and THEN work on their behavior. Make yourself some goals, like a behavior chart. I WILL give them some positive attention before they act up, first thing in the morning and first thing when we get home in the evening. I WILL give them warnings before changing from one activity to another, I WILL speak firmly and respectfully. You can do it!

First - make some rules and stick to them. Have the girls help you.
Start with "One person at a time in the bathroom."
No pushing.
No shoving.
No hitting.
No tantrums.
Have them help you with the rules and and the consequences for breaking the rules.
Then you need to be consistent.
Give your 7 year old a job or chore - she can set the table every night. That will keep her out of the little one's hair.
Have the little one put the napkins out or something.
I did not allow any fighting. If they did, they were either separated or put together in a room with a puzzle and not allowed to talk... worked wonders!
YMMV
LBC

I like what SandyL said. I would also start to give chores to your 7 year old to do and start treating her like the big sister you want her to be. If you see they are arguing put them both in time out. And if mom needs one too, give yourself one too if you feel like you are loosing control. This will also teach them how to handle things better. Maybe even give little sister a few easy chores, picking up things or helping you with something. Are you getting some you down time when they are gone or napping? If you can, with your husband's help maybe make time with each one individually too. So they don;t have to feel like they are competing for your time.

I hate to throw another book at you to read, but I adore Love & Logic. It's not just a book, it's more of a lifestyle and you can use it's logical techniques on everyone, not just your kids. It has changed the way I parent and we are all so much happier because of it! No more yelling, my 2.5-year-old son already knows he has responsibilities and that I'm not going to do every little thing for him. I even catch him using some of the techniques on his 10-month-old sister, which is adorable.

Here's a link to some of their online articles http://www.loveandlogic.com/articles.html#twelve

Specifically, look through the ones under "articles for parents of all ages."

Good luck!

I really don't have any words of wisdom other than to say you sound like me!! I have three kids ages 7, 4 and now 3 (today) and I feel like all I do is yell at them some days. My oldest is my daughter and sometimes she acts the same way yours does. I am an only child so I don't understand what it is like to have a sibling get on your nerves but sometimes I too can't understand why they just can't get along and stop being mean to each other!