Hi Mamas,
Here is what just happened: Spent the morning with my 26 month old toddler: tried to get some work done, tried to get some food cooked, but had to deal with repeated, frequent cycles of whining, clinging, crying. Everything turned out fine, we played, I got some work done, I cooked our lunch, but still it wore me down. Then when I put her in her crib to nap, she asked that I start sitting there with her while she sleeps. I tried it, but quickly realized this is just a stalling technique because she is giggling away, not sleeping. So I sang a couple more songs, and left. Of course, the CRYING then started. To make a long story a little shorter, by this time I am worn out from listening to her crying, I wish she would stop, I wish someone else would have to make the hard decisions constantly to "let her cry." Just as I leave her room, my husband enters. And of course, I unload all my frustrations on him, and blame him for not doing more, blah, blah blah.
Now I feel terrible about having been such a b**tch. Our first interaction of the day was my bitchfest. I wish I wouldn't do this.
Any ideas for how to deal with the built up frustrations when you can't leave the house?
yoga
meditation
push ups
treadmill
Wii
an email to the baby (that I don't send, but save in my drafts)
1. I can start my day over at any time. This, to me, is a WILD idea. "Wait, you mean I can mess up/feel upset, frustrated, or sad, choose to see it and then move on (2:22pm or 7:00am...I can just start over)?!?! I don't have to bludgeon myself, deny it, or get stuck spinning until morning?!?! Whoa!"
2. Nonviolent communication. It's soooooo cheesy sounding and it takes PRACTICE (hello, I'd rather just know how to do everything right the first time!!) - it's also really amazing stuff. Also, practicing reflective listening. http://www.cnvc.org/
3. We are human. We make mistakes. We have big feelings. We have bad days. We learn as we go. This helps me put things into perspective and not get onto the shame-train (yikes, hate where that train goes.)
4. Girlfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends, my M.. I would be a SAD little pony without them. Here's how it goes:
Phone rings
me- hello
friend- hi'ya. how are you?
me- I'm doing just fine? You sound upset, do you want to talk about it?
friend- *sigh* today has felt so HARD...__________.
Next day
friend- hello
me- hi hi, do you have a minute?
friend- yup, what's up?
me- today has felt so challenging...__________.
My girlfriends saved my life 2010 (read: hardest year of my life). They were my safety net, my family, and my heart when I had lost my own. Bless those women. There's nothing like been heard to sooth a sore wound.
5. Leaving the house. Babysitting trades, taking kids to places that *I* enjoy, just getting some fresh air. Playing, laughing, *music*, etc.
6. Closing the door and taking space. I am a better mother when I am able to notice when I'm starting to feel angry or frustrated and, rather than take it out on someone, I just take some space. "I need some space", is one of the catch phrases of my house. Children are not the only ones who need a timeout (I think).
7. Taking time to think before I speak, to not try to justify my feelings ("hey, we FEEL how we FEEL - it's not a rational process. However, what we choose to DO with it is a CHOICE.")
8. Keeping things in perspective. There is no reason to get emotionally invested in a fight with a brick wall. It's a brick wall, right? Same with kids. I'm the parent. I'm in charge. Does it serve a purpose or help me discipline, if I get wound up/upset over their fits? Inevitably, I DO feel upset or frustrated sometimes. And then I take space until I can model healthy behavior. OR I don't, and I make a mistake, and then I *TRY* to learn from it.
Biggest hugs. Being a SAHM is a really, really, really intense (hard and amazing) job. You are NOT alone.
This is what girlfriends and telephones are for. Find a friend with similar aged children for maximum effectiveness. Call girlfriend, take turns venting and affirming eachother, take a deep breath, repeat if necessary.
You came to the right place! Mamapedia is a great place to vent, get suggestions, receive criticism (sometimes) and just get things off your chest. Other than that, try going into your bedroom and taking a few quiet moments for yourself. Sometimes when my 2.5 yr old cries when I lay him down for a nap, I vacuum the floors for awhile. The sounds tunes him out, and actually helps him to fall asleep. If she doesn't stop crying, maybe she's not sleepy enough. Try waking her up a bit earlier in the morning, or putting her down a little bit later. Being a SAHM is not a cakewalk. Don't be too hard on yourself!
as soon as your DH walks in....go take a walk!
Do jumping jacks, push ups, squats - something physical to release that anger. Or write it out. When my kids were younger, I would write, write, write in a notebook - every single ugly little feeling I was having and then I would tear it up because I didn't want anyone to know how angry I was with everything.
We all have taken our frustrations out on the first available person - usually the husband. I know after I've calmed down, I apologize for my outburst and tell him that I know that I shouldn't dump on him, but he's a convenient target. Thankfully, my husband "gets it" and gives me a good hug.
{{{HUGS}}}
I was a SAHM M. when I got laid off and before I started home daycare, and let me tell you, Motherhood is by far, the hardest job ever! Being home daycare ranks right up there, too! :)
Looking back, there is so much I wish I could do differently...and I totally know where you are coming from! I am a "wear my heart on my sleeve" kinda person, so if I'm frustrated, upset, discourage, I HAVE to vent!
I am lucky enough to have a few friends I can send a quick text to or even a quick email in a "quiet" moment! It really does help, then you are a better you when you hubs comes home...while he may want to try and understand and be patient, that won't always be the case. (just make sure it is a friend who isn't going to judge you when you say "this kid is making me crazy!" LOL!
I've had one of those days and feel so blessed to have a friend who will listen w/out judgement and even give me props for doing what I do! :) So, hang in there...don't feel bad, we all do it...(ps, it helps to keep some chocolate stashed somewhere, too!)
Hope your tomorrow is a better one for you!
Sounds like you were swimming upstream all morning. You need a backup plan. When I "plan" to do something and it doesn't work out I get really frustrated as well, until I can say "Ok! Wasn't meant to be, I need to attend to my child right now". Once I'm able to give him my undivided attention, things go a lot more smoothly and they are more willing to cooperate. Sounds like she just had a clingy day, kids have that...maybe she's teething, maybe she's getting sick, maybe this or that...in any case you have to give up the power struggle and figure out work together.
Otherwise, on mornings/days where he's just absolutely too wild and crazy, I get out of the house. Put him in the car, drive to get some coffee or pick up x, y, z at the store. Change of scenery.
I don't know how stay at home moms do it! I admire everyone of you. When I was home with my sons when they where little sometimes if they didn't want to go down on their own I would take them and lay them down on my bed and cuddle. My oldest would not usaully take a nap by himself. He needed to know someone was there. I would say on days she's like that don't cook a lunch just make sandwiches or something easy and just give her some extra time sounds like that's what she's wanting and dosn't know how to ask for it.
Try not to unload on your husband even thought trust me I know how it feels when you are over welmed and they have not been there. If you need to unload do it here!!!
Good luck and God Bless
I have a best friend who lives around the block from me, and we chat sometimes 3-5 times a day. Sometimes it's only for 5 minutes, sometimes 45 minutes. We share the good and the bad. We just both said today that if it wasn't for us having each other to vent to, we would be miserable. Today's topic was how our husbands get on our nerves. My hubby was whiney all morning; her hubby won't lift a finger to do a darn thing, but sit there and boss her around. I thank the good Lord everyday that I have her--she saves my sanity.
First, when you need to unload promise yourself that you will use only I statements describing how you feel. Stop before you start blaming the other person. Keep it all about yourself and your own frustration.
In our family sometimes we just ask for a hug which forestalls the need to unload. A big squeeze and a "I know this is hard." Talk about this with your husband ahead of time and make a plan.
You can also do something physical to work off the extra energy frustration gives us.
I suggest that letting her cry it out isn't necessarily the way to go. She's needing something. Her asking you to sit with her is a reasonable request. I suggest that when she's cranky and clingy that you stop what you're doing and devote at least 15 minutes to paying attention to just her.
A hug might help here too. Talk with her about doing the hug thing. Tell her when she's feeling bad to ask you for a hug and then the two of you spend a few minutes cuddling.
Of course this won't always work. There will be times that you can't spend the extra time with her. However, I've found with my grandchildren that, often, the extra time with them actually allows me to get more done.
send a vent email to my friends
Scream into a pillow
Go outside and walk around the house
Vent to a friend. Or to Mamapedia.
When Im ready to snap... wether its when he first walks in or a couple hours into the night ( when the older ones are home... sometimes the oldest (15) gets to me more than the little ones) I take a bath. I lock myself in there, sometimes with a book, for as long as it takes me to calm down. Then when Im calmed down I come out and talk to him about my day or what is bothering me.
After calming down Im able to tell him better what is going on and Im less likely to snap at him. He would much rather when he walks in the door I slip into the bathroom for awhile then get jumped.
It happens to all of us. Tell him your sorry and start over.
All great ideas so far. Another thing I do is go to the gym and drop the kids at their child care area, which is really cheap babysitting. And half the time I just go to the jacuzzi and relax instead of work out. Although I work out too, which is a good stress reliever.
