How to Deal with These People?

Wow, interesting first question.

Bottom line.... The world does not revolve around you!

You have every right to live the way you choose to live just like everyone else has a right to their own choices!

I smell trip trap here....

It truly sounds like you need to realize you're the poor relations that just won't leave them alone. Please stop trying to be close to them, they don't like you. I don't know why you'd even try to like them, they aren't very nice people.

It's not my place to "approve" of another person's life choices, and I certainly would not show up UNINVITED and expect babysitting and/or entertainment for/with my kids anywhere.
Honestly, this sounds like a bad script for a Hollywood movie. Is THAT what this is all about?

I also call troll. At least I hope. I can't image someone could be so rude - and I'm not talking about the sister.

-------------------
ETA: B., can you do us all a favor and wait about 20 minutes. Then, write a new post under a completely different account name. This time you will want to write the same scenario except from either your sisters point of view or her boyfriends point of view. You could mix it up a bit and maybe write it from your mom's point of view or your 19 year old daughter's point of view.
Any of the above would be good. We're used to that kind of thing around here.

Of them, or you?

I approve of them. I *like* kids and I *have* kids and I still wouldn't like it if you dropped in on me like that. You're the rude one and I think you are hiding behind your kids but are secretly (or not so) jealous of their lifestyle. They aren't kid people. You're doing nothing to improve that.

Feed your kids. Call ahead. Take a hint. Teach your kids some manners. Maybe she doesn't visit because you are rude, pick fights and don't control your children.

He PAID you to go away. That should tell you something.

Um, are you for real?

To put it politely:
You feel everyone should live the way you do. You already have anger toward your sister for living her own life which is authentic to her and which she has worked hard for, whether you value it or not.
You barged in on relatives unannounced with the expectation that they should just stop what they are doing and feed your family. They reluctantly had you in, even though they made it VERY clear that they had plans.
You say you know they aren't 'kid people' yet you brought your kids to their door?

They aren't kid people and so they supposedly misinterpreted everything your kids did (which sounds a bit like they were out of hand to me-- my son doesn't just knock something off a desk by looking at it, and it was someone else's workspace), and then you yelled at them.

Wow.
How do they deal with you?

My guess is that this is really a troll post or you have been living in a very different reality from the rest of us for a while. But let's just try it this way:

Phone call: "Hey sis, we're in town. Is this a good time to come by?"
Sis: 'Oh, sorry, we are heading out for a brunch.'
Done. NO conflict.
Etiquette: It's what keeps us from all killing each other.
Knowledge is power. Use it. Manners.

hahaha. thanks for the laugh. arrive unannounced. with hungry kids in tow. and how dare they not babysit for you. oh god. thanks for the chuckle. life's good.

Ignoring the husband/boyfriend inconsistency, as well as the smell of troll:

You have the life that is right for YOU, your sister has the life that is right for HER.
YOUR life is not the right life for HER, and HER life is not the right life for YOU.

People who do not want to be married should not marry. People who do not want to be parents should not have children.

People have the right to spend their own money in whatever way they choose.

Shared DNA does not equal on-demand babysitter. You have no right to expect your sister to babysit your children.

Dropping by someone's house without notice and expecting them to change whatever plans they have in order to entertain you is just plain rude.

What "certain things" were your children "having a play" with ? A Ming vase? A Faberge egg? I don't have expensive knick-knacks but if I did, I damn sure wouldn't want someone's kids "having a play" with them.

Why was your son close enough to the desk to knock papers off it? A person's desk is personal space and your son had no business touching anything on it.

How do you know what your sister had in the larder? Did you go through her pantry and fridge when you arrived and take inventory? Not everyone keeps snack food in the house, or likes to cook. If your sister and her boyfriend were heading out to eat, perhaps it was because they didn't feel like cooking.

You yelled at them IN THEIR HOME because they refused to let your children run wild. Yell at me once in my own damn house and you will never cross the threshold again.

Your sister and her boyfriend were not out of line - YOU were.

I love them!!!

How dare you assume that just because marriage and family are a good fit for you that they are a good fit for everyone? Your sister has made no bones about what she values in life. She doesn't value the same things you do. She doesn't want your life. She has the life she wants and she likes it. Who the hell are you to sit back and judge her and her boyfriend? You're the one who is obnoxious and out of line. She didn't invite you over, you barged in to her lovely, non-kid-friendly apartment and expected her to host you, which is rude and presumptuous.

You need to get over yourself and let her live her own life while you live yours. Leave her alone.

I'm sorry, mama, but you're in the wrong here. Instead of bringing little kids to a place that is NOT at all for kids, you should have brought the 15 and 19 year olds. These people do NOT know how to take care of kids. You are trying to force your point of view about procreation and understanding children when these people aren't interested in procreating and don't know squat about kids. Why on earth would you want people who know nothing about kids to babysit them? Would you put them in a daycare setting with someone who had absolutely NO experience? Why would it being your sister make it any different?

You don't want a loving relationship with your sister and her boyfriend. You don't even care if your kids have one. You just want to wield your mother-power against them. Quite frankly, they are probably very tired of your holier-than-thou attitude overall, and against them in particular.

The thing that really jumps out at me is that you are their biggest example why NOT to have kids.

As far as the cat is concerned, they know their cat. It's not used to kids and they are smart to remove the cat. My son petted a woman's cat who bit his hand and we were within an hour of the ER doctor's "window" for IV antibiotics instead of just oral ones. He also had to get a painful tetanus booster. We were lucky he didn't spend the night in the hospital. God knows what you'd be saying here if the cat had bitten or scratched your child and you ended up having to take him to the hospital...

You have your child centered life. They have their career centered life. Stop these preconceived notions of how other people are supposed to live their lives and live your OWN.

This sounds vaguely familiar...didn't we recently read about rich, snobby characters in NY not living life according to SIL's standards? Remember? The one with the rich dad (BIL), snobby daughter (niece), wouldn't interact with the SIL who was writing the post? Wasn't that just within the last couple of weeks? Is this Version 2.0 of that story?

And, just in case this is for real, REALLY? *Everyone* should get married, have children and live a family life? *EVERYONE*? Really? Unbelievable.

Jealous much?

On the off chance this is real, I'm going to let you know that you are ridiculous. What she does with her life is her business. Some people don't want children there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I applaud her for NOT having any since she likes to travel and live a fast paced life.

Get over your jealousy. I don't know how far apart the two of you are in age, but if you are within a few years of each other it sounds to me that you straddled yourself with kids at a young age and didn't get to do the things she can. I figure if you are in your 30's like she is you started at 20 @the oldest. You chose your life she chose hers. It's not her fault and doesn't make her a bad person.

People who don't have children do not have child friendly homes. You have to know this, so why bring them? I love kids and want more, but I would never act the way you did. If you showed up on my doorstep, unannounced, and I had plans...I would have left you standing there and gone about my business.

Did it ever occur to you that she spends time with his family b/c they RESPECT their wishes and lifestyle choices?

I don't think this is real but, you really, really need to get a life,either way.

I'm normally not this mean, but this is crazy!

Sorry, but I find it ridiculous that you are judging them for not making your life choices. It is HER life. Get off your high horse. Her life choices only affect your life because YOU make it that way. She is a loner and always has been according to you. She is single and loving it.

You dropped in on her, expected her to change her plans and she's the rude one? Really?

YOU are jealous and need to back off.

Really? You came over unannounced with your kids and you are mad because they didn't cater to you and your kids? You are mad because your kids were getting into their stuff and they didn't like that? They don't have kids because they don't want kids. Why would you WANT them to babysit your kids? They are not the type I would ever have sit my kids. You actually sound like a jealous brat in this post. Sorry, but you're in the wrong here.

You love your life, she loves hers. She admits children are not her thing. Can't force your life on her. You are different, just accept it.

Wow, this entire question can be filed under the definition of 'entitlement mentality'.

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

Why are you trying to force a relationship that isn't there?

Just because YOU want to be married and have kids, does NOT mean that EVERYONE should.

YOU WERE RUDE and IMPOSING YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN ON THEM!!! He handled the situation as best as he could. You started yelling at them in THEIR home. He asked you to leave and gave you taxi money. Do I approve of what he did?!! HECK YEAH!!! How dare you go into their home and expect them to drop trow and give you attention....then start yelling at them when you didn't get your way!!!

Not everyone is cut out to be parents. They know this. They accept this. Why can't you?

Sorry - but just because she is your sister does NOT mean she is your free babysitter. That's just plain RUDE on your part. Now granted with my kids - I have only lived close to my parents when my daughter was 3 years old....we lived close for all of 3 months. Then we moved to San Francisco, then Belgium.

Your sister and her boyfriend do NOT want a relationship with you. Accept it. Stop trying to push YOUR values, expectations and desires on them.

Hope this helps!

My first inclination is that you are messing with us, but I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are truly as self serving and bad mannered as you, so I'll answer as if this question is legit.
If I were your sister, I would have tossed you out on your ear, and after you yelled at me so uncalled for, I would have told you to leave and NEVER come back and you would have paid for your own cab.
I hope you learn some manners and realize that not everyone needs to live their life according to your "standards".

I think you're kind of selfish. I mean, family life is what you love, it's not what your sister loves. And, yeah, if I was your sister and you showed up unannounced, you'd be lucky if I let you and the kids in when I was on my way out. It's extremely rude to show up without a call and expect someone to entertain you because you and your kids are in the area.

Your sister is happy childless, you need to respect her decision. I have people constantly asking when I'm going to have more kids like it's any of their damn business what I do with my own uterus.

Your children are your responsibility, not your sister's. It's not selfish of her not to want to babysit, it's selfish of you to assume she will just because she's your sister. Perhaps your attitude is the reason she doesn't want to come around for family get togethers.

How to deal with these people? You step away and do your own thing. If you should visit, you visit WITHOUT children in tow.

You state that from early childhood your sister was not interested in family things so what made you think she would change? She saw how things were growing up and decided she didn't want that lifestyle. Sister become a journalist who travels around the world and could not do that if she had kids to deal with. She met a man that has a life and he did not want kids. They may have decided since they didn't want any kids they made sure that there would be no kids ever.

Read the article in the New York Times about the new world of child free couples and families. You will get your answers there. Do you really realize how much less money they would have had they had any children? They certainly would not have the extra homes in other places to live to enjoy and to get away from Manhattan which is a rat race of a town to decompress.

So take your lifestyle and values and find people of similar likes and be friends and family with them. Leave your sister alone. Just because you share DNA does not make you cookie cutter family members.

I am proud of the boyfriend for giving you money to take your kids and leave his home. He probably had a few more choice words set out for you but decided this would be the best thing for you is to get that cab and get the hell out of my house! Basically don't come back.

Sorry, you brought this incident on yourself with your own barging in. No one has to do anything they don't want to. They live a life and are not going to change it for you. Make sure you feed your children in a restaurant when you are shopping. There must have been a McDonalds or Burger King nearby where you were shopping.

the other S.
Originally from New Jersey

PS Teach your kids how not to touch everything in sight. I left knick knacks out when my kids were little and they learned how not to touch everything in sight and could go visiting other people's homes without destroying them. Good manners start at home and are used daily.

I am sorry to say this, but you are being way too judgmental of your sister. There is nothing wrong with not wanting a family lifestyle. She is doing nothing wrong. In fact, I applaud her for her life...there are too many people in this world and not everyone needs to have kids. There is nothing wrong with not being into kids, not relating to them, and not really enjoying them. Your sister is doing NOTHING wrong. You however, are judging her and taking everything much too personally. You are too critical of your sister. They are not used to kids being around. They changed their plans for you. The kids were making them uncomfortable (because, lets face it, kids can be trouble). And you yelled at them???!!!! Wow. You owe your sister and her boyfriend an apology. You are the one who is in the wrong here.

Do I have this right, you showed up to their apartment uninvited with your children and you wonder why they were not thrilled?
Not everyone wants children. Not everyone should have children. Just because you do does not mean everyone else does.
They are happy. They enjoy the way their life is. They are hurting no one. There is nothing destructive to their behaviour.
If I was always getting lectured by someone, family included, about how they thought my life was all wrong when I was doing nothing dangerous or hurtful I would not want to spend any time with them either.
It is not required that family members become free babysitting. It is an imposition on their time, even if they are willing.
If this is genuine, you need to look at what you are doing and need to find a way to stop. Stop picking on your sister and live your life while she lives hers.

They are not out of order.
They are pretty clear about what they want and what they don't want.
Family life is not for them.
At least they know it and acknowledge it.
Now all YOU need to do is accept it.
Don't involve your kids with them - period - for your kids own good.
Aunt and Uncle might warm up to them once the kids are college age, but they have zero zip nada interest in child rearing or kids at all.

Have dinner with them if you want to but leave the kids with a sitter when you do.
Or don't bother with your sister and her husband at all - I'm sure they won't mind.

Having kids is great for you, but it's not for everyone.
Quit judging and projecting your beliefs onto them.

Aren't you glad that they chose not to have children?

Everyone has their own priorities in life. They chose not to have children because they wanted to have a different lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that at all. Not everyone has to have the same goals and expectations for life. You are upset that they do not babysit yet you readily admit how horrible they are with kids. They know that they do not like kids and choose not to babysit. Again, nothing wrong with knowing your own limitations.

You are angry that you showed up unannounced to their doorstop and they didn't automatically want to cancel their plans to accommodate you and your children. You came into their home and essentially expected them to feed your kids and allowed them to run around in a manner that was making them uncomfortable. Not everyone is a kid person...their home is clearly not set up as a kid-friendly place.

You seem angry that they did not make the same choices that you made in life...

Are you writing a book or something? Your posts about elitist siblings are getting really old and predictable.

Sounds like you are trying to force a relationship with a family member you have nothing in common with. I mean I know she's your sister but come on. If you are not close enough to already have a relationship where she appreciates a drop in and wants to spend holidays etc, why are you trying to pretend that relationship exists by dropping by and thinking they'll roll out the red carpets? This kind of reaction can't be new so you should know better than to expect something that you've never experienced before.

This sounds SO much like that other long drawn out question about the brother-in-law with the sister who died in childbirth or whatever. Any relation to them?

You're joking right? I mean nobody can be this dense.

If not I'll spell it out. They do NOT want to participate in your childs lives. They do not have children, they do not want children. Move on. No they shouldn't cancel their plans because you decided to stop by. They shouldn't change their lives because you chose to have kids.

It suck, that's life. Quit forcing your choice on them.

No, I believe YOU were completely and 100% out of order. You show up unannounced, you expect your sister and her bf to entertain and feed your kids and when rebuked you got upset.

Listen, they have every right to spend their money any which way they want. Good for them! It sounds like they have a great life. Honestly, you sound jealous.

Here is the deal, they live their life differently than you. You don't approve, that is on you. They don't owe you anything.

I see you've had a huge response, so I'll limit mine to just this: You sound very judgmental against people who lead a different lifestyle from the one you've chosen to lead. Based on what you wrote here, if I were your sister, I wouldn't relish spending much time with you either, even if you were family. If you can't accept your sister for who she is, it's your issue. Stop expecting her to be someone she isn't, and you'll be less disappointed. And stop dropping in unannounced. Don't put your children in a position where they are not welcome and made to feel badly.

Judgy much?
They are HAPPY in their lives. They don't want kids. They don't want to get married. They don't have an apartment that is suitable for kids to go around playing with things that are obviously not theirs to play with.
You know your sister and her boyfriend (or husband?) don't like kids yet you ask them to babysit. You know they don't like kids yet you bring your kids over anyway and force them on your sister. You know she doesn't like kids yet you are suprised that she is short with your own.
YOU are out of order. While your kids may be wonderful, loving, beautiful, well meaning children your sister is not interested in that at all.
(I also have to wonder if there is a little side of you that is not jealous of all the traveling, partying, lovemakin', apartments, holidays....
I know I would be.
I love my kids too. My brother and his wife have made it clear they are not having any. So, while they are certainly nice enough to my kids I NEVER ask them to babysit. I never just drop in.
Kids are a lot of work. Something that your sister does not want to do. So leave her alone about it.
L.

Is he the husband or the boyfriend? You are not consistent!

I totally agree with the other posters about let her live her life and you live yours. I also agree about showing up unannounced. You don't know if she could have canceled her plans or not. Maybe they were meeting their friends, had already paid for a concert/play, maybe they had a doctor's appointment, etc. It really doesn't matter if you brought your kids or not, you showed up unexectedly. You want her to babysit??? I thought you were happy taking care of your family. If you need a babysiter, you can ask someone that enjoys babysitting like maybe one of your friends, your parents, your other siblings or just hire a babysiter. Don't force them on your sister. If she's not into babies/kids, she might not know how to take care of them.

You're trying to force yourself and your children onto your sister and her boyfriend who've made it more than clear they are not interested in children and family time. They've told you no to babysitting, they don't make an effort to get together and you drop by their doorstep and are actually annoyed at the way they behave toward you and your children?

No, I do not agree with it however they are the way they are. You are not going to change who they are and how they live their lives. They are not going to live up to your idea of what being an adult is. They're obviously different from you and yours and you cannot expect it any other way. It is more than obvious that you are trying to hope them into being a certain way when they are, in fact, not that way.

Let them be. It will save you the heartache of having to go through something similar again. There's no sense in trying to force things, family or not.

What IS it with these NY posts? You seem to have a lot of time on your hands, while not write a novel?

So you're upset that your sister doesn't fit into YOUR idea of what life should be? Is she happy with her life? If so, that's really all that matters. I understand you're upset that she doesn't spend holiday time with you. But again, its HER life. If I knew my family member was spending time with me out of obligation and not desire, I'd feel terrible. You're also upset that she was less than thrilled to rearrange her schedule when you dropped by unannounced and expected her to accommodate your children? Well of course she feels "put out"! You should've called before stopping by to see if it was a convenient time. It seems to me that you and your sister are very different people and it upsets you. Its okay to be different from your family!

There are a couple of things going on in their favor here. They have a lifestyle you don't understand and frankly, don't want to understand. They are childless. They like it that way. To each his own.

Secondly, on one particular day, you stopped by (without notice) expected them to drop their plans, and then proceeded to get miffed because they didn't feed your children and were irritated at the mess they made.

Truthfully, they sound horrid and they acted rudely. But you didn't give them anything to enjoy about your visit.

This is a joke, right?

I am not sure if this is a troll or not...but here goes...

It sounds like they have a perfect lifestyle for THEM and you have the perfect lifestyle for YOU. Unfortunately,the two don't mix very well...

They are happy living their child free life...note the words "child free"...they don't want kids, don't seem to like kids, and don't want kids around...that is their prerogative. You think they are missing out on a wonderful ting in life (and I think they are too) BUT they think you are crazy for having so many kids and don't understand how on earth you do it.

So don't force them...it seems they want t be left alone to enjoy their life the way they want...let them...it is their loss (they won't ever see it that way) but it is...

Now don't be surprised if they did decide to have a late in life baby (an only child) then they become insufferable in the other direction that their little darling only makes rainbow diapers and does no wrong.

Enjoy your life and leave them to theirs...it will make you all happier...

Hot darn an apartment in Paris...I am a bit green with jealousy, but I wouldn't trade my two kids for one...

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. It would be wonderful if your sister and her boyfriend were willing to share in your lives the way you want them to. They aren't though, so it is up to you to do the only thing you can: step away. Before you do though, I think you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
You are clearly hurt by what feels like a very critical stance towards your life choices. Frankly though, your stance towards hers is just as critical. Look at the contempt you use to describe her: immature, self-centered, thoughtless. All because she wants very different things from life than you.
To answer your initial question, let's look at it from her perspective: You invited yourself and your kids into their home unwanted with no warning, expecting them to cancel plans because you happen to be in the neighborhood, did not discipline your kids in her unchildproofed home, questioned her attempts at discipline (maybe that cat bites at the slightest provocation) THEN yelled at them about their behavior inside their own 4 walls? It seems to me there is a lot of out-of-order behavior happening here, and unfortunately it is not all your sister's.
If you want to save this sister relationship, I suggest meeting with her for a neutral lunch, then apologize for being judgmental and controlling. Hopefully she is sorry for being so closed off and rejecting, but don't count on it. She is probably just as hurt as you are.

Be polite when you see her and don't visit her at her apartment. Invite her for holidays, she probably won't come, but that's her choice. Good thing she figured out she doesn't want kids...but just wait, when she's in her 40's she'll be going through fertility treatments. People change over time.

Well, not everyone likes children (obviously).

Was their behavior hurtful? Of course it was. She is after all your sister and it is normal to expect her to be catering to your kids. At the very least you want her to be tolerant. I honestly would be hurt too.

As to whether their behavior is out of order, I would have to say no. These are people who have a low tolerance for children and what they do. It would be different if they had children and treated their own differently than they did yours. They have admitted on not wanting kids and not planning on having them. They already know they would not want their own so obviously, they would not want other people's kids.

These are the type of people I would never ask to babysit. And when you ask, that is what you do, you ask. You don't expect or feel hurt if she refuses.

You may want to build a relationship with your sister where it is just you and her if that's possible. You may be happy with your lifestyle but she probably is happy with hers as well. You need some common ground to reconnect as sisters. I suggest a lunch with just the two of you. Maybe you'll find that she is not as distant as you thought...just not child friendly. Maybe she'll also realize that you being a mom to your brood of kids is not a summation of who you are but a part of who you are. Maybe you can find something in common or simply just enjoy each other without frowning at each other's choice of lifestyles.