This grandparent is my own father. He was verbally abusive to my kid sister and verbally abusive to me as an adult. He has made many mistakes, one of them is not being in my life as a child, thus he tries to re-raise me though I am now almost 32 and married. He also tried to make sly remarks about my Mom (the woman that raised me while he was running around). He tries to *win them over* by making himself look good by putting myself down to them. Saying things like "they" cant keep me from you", when no one is trying to or "no matter what anyone says, I will always be your grandad". We (my mother and I) go out our way so he can see them but I find myself putting myself in harms way as well as my kids. Im scared he may do the same to them as he did with my sister and I.
How can I help my kids have a healthy relationship with their grandpa when he can be so negative, childish and verbally abusive? I dont want to deny him but my kids well-being comes first. I wish I didnt have to deal with him at all.
@AV- Thank you for your response. Im taking them to see him for the Holidays today. He only sees them 1-2 times out the year for brief moments. Hopefully he will be in his best behavior and if not, I will not have any problems letting him know that his behavior is unacceptable and I will not hesitate to protect my children from it.Today may be that nail in the coffin if he cuts up. Thanks again!
@CoMoMom - I guess part of me wants to give him the opportunity to be a grandfather to them because he wasnt much a father to me, but Im growing tired of his antics. If he cuts up during this Holiday visit, I may just write him off completely.
WHAT HAPPENED: The visit went great. No sly remarks. He was great with the kids and gave them a few gifts. He seems like a changed person, havent spoken to him 2 years prior to the visit. He looks sick, so I dont know if it was the combination of the threat of loosing his grandkids or he had to clear his consience and faces his demons. My feelings havent changed for him and I will still feed him wi th a long handled spoon, but if he can behave himself 1-3 times out the year, then he can have a relationship with his grands. I stated I didnt want a relationship with him. Ive been lucky to have a step father of over 20 years so I had a good daughter dad relationship and im not "empty". In short, Im just relieved that the visit went ok and we dont have to deal with him for another 4-6 months lol. He takes me seriously and understands Im not playing with him when it comes to my kids and KNOWS that this is it...do or bye.
Thanks again for the replies, especially from the moms that have had a toxic parent experience. Its easier to speak from experience and humbling to know that Im not alone learning to deal with a toxic parent/grandparent. Do or bye!
I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with someone who is emotionally unhealthy and unavailable. Sometimes we need to love people from afar until they can get their act together.
I hate to break it to you, but NO ONE can have a HEALTHY relationship with a person that is abusive, manipulative and simply toxic.
If he not willing to work on himself or be respectful of all family members when your children are present I would minimize their contact with Grandpa. If you think that you can talk to him, seek a conversation with him and lay down the laws when it comes to your kids.
If you have trouble setting boundaries with him (which it sounds like to me), stop seeing him.
Just because he is your father does not mean you have to put up with his behavior.
Good luck.
If he hasn't changed, then he's not worthy of being a grandfather. You protect your kids by 1. limiting the time they spend with him and 2. putting him on notice. I would not go out of my way for my children to see someone who was abusive. YOU are the mom now, and an adult. If you need support, you can seek therapy to work through your childhood experiences and create healthy, FOR YOU and your kids, boundaries with him. If your kids' well-being does come first, then don't worry about him.
ETA: I think that you are a good person who is wanting to see good in someone else. But now you have kids and they are being affected. He wasn't a great dad and he's not been a good grandfather. An adult choosing to put up with someone is one thing. Someone being mean to my child is another thing. You may be able to just let it fade off as someone else suggested, since he only sees them once or twice a year.
N., I'm sorry. he hasn't change and won't change.
What would **I** do? I would ensure that my kids get as little time as possible with their "grandfather".
I would then tell him - I am an adult. I will NOT tolerate your snide remarks against me nor my mother. If you cannot control your tongue, your time with MY CHILDREN will be cut and limited. YOU can make the decision. I suggest that you see a therapist so that you can get past whatever insecurities you have and be healthy.
Other than that? I don't know how you can help your children have a healthy relationship with a man (use that word loosely) who isn't healthy himself.
You are an adult. You do NOT **HAVE** to deal with it. Do NOT allow him to manipulate you or try and "make" you feel bad. You are putting your kids first - something HE didn't do. YOU see his bad behavior and want to keep your kids away from it - GREAT JOB!!!
Good luck!
Why do want them to have a relationship with him? Stop "going out of your way" so he can spend time with them. He clearly hasn't changed because from what you describe he is still manipulative.
So they only see him like twice a year?
But yet, he makes lot of obnoxious toxic remarks to them, already and often.
You either, give your Dad a chance.... and this is by exposing your kids to him and allowing him, to be around your kids.
Or, you do not and see your Dad for who and what he is. And 'protect' your children, by NOT putting them, in a position to be abused by your Dad.
Either way, it is your children that are being, affected.
Because, your Dad is NOT normal. He is... mental and toxic and abusive and STILL is this, way.
OF course, he will do the SAME to your kids, as he did to you and your sister.
He already.... is.
Do you not see that????????????
Your kids, cannot have a "healthy" relationship with him.
He ALREADY is, making toxic mean comments to them, about YOU. And YOU are the Mom. THAT in itself, is..... very.... deceitful and abusive, of your Dad. He is STILL abusing you by already, manipulating YOUR children.
It is already, a vicious circle.
You said you don't want to deny your Dad.
So you expose your kids to him. And let your kids be around him.
BUT You have decide... WHICH comes first: your kids, or pleasing your Dad?
I have a toxic relative. Anyway, she got meaner once I had kids.
So what did I do? I told her off. I and my Husband, refused, to be around her. We told her bluntly how it will be IF she wants to see my kids or spend time with them. AND, once my kids got old enough, I explained to my kids about their relative..... instead of putting on blinders and 'pretending' everything was a Hallmark card. THAT is how, I 'protected' my kids. My kids, even knew on their own and via observation, how mean/rude/obnoxious that relative was. And they told me and I said "yes, you are right. That is why, you must not let that relative make you feel bad feelings... because you are not bad, she is. Ignore her. And always know that you are okay and fine. Don't let mean people damage you..."
My kids, have no problem stating their boundaries or preferences to that relative, if/when we see her.
Because, I TAUGHT them, that even relatives do not always have your best interest at heart.
The thing is: you either wish for a Hallmark card or you see the reality for what it is.
If it were me, I would NOT give my relative, the "opportunity" or the privilege to harm.... my children OR, me.
Being the way your Dad is... your kids will NOT ever, have a "healthy" normal relationship with him.
Because, he is a jerk.
And abusive.
And always will be.
He already is, to your kids... and is insulting you, to your own kids.
Do you see?
He is abusing you still... by talking trash about you, your kids Mom, to your kids.
My father is toxic...plain and simple. I cannot control his actions and he will believe what he wants to believe no matter what I say. He is rude, judgmental and crass. My kids are almost 6 and 8. He has seen my son exactly twice...once at about 4 months old and once at about 3.5. He has seen my daughter once when she was about 1.5. I cut him out of my life several years ago and am at peace with my decision.
If you truly believe that he is toxic to your children, then simply do not let him around them. You CAN do that as their mother.
You cut off his access to your kids until he changes and can be civil to, and about, you.
Growing up, my dad was a neanderthal. His favorite TV character is Archie Bunker. My dad thinks a woman's place in barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Yeah.....his can be a jerk.
For several years I had to cut him out of my life because I got sick of him always tearing me down, and blaming me if not everything was perfect in the house/yard.
We talk now, and things are better, but he can still be a jerk about things.
How does one have a healthy relationship with a viper? You keep your distance. It either stays enclosed or it stays "over there". If he is in a position to say these thing to them and you cannot counter it immediately, then they are not being protected.
Keep the visits supervised. If he says anything negative, end the visit. Does he have any good qualities? If so, your kids will enjoy that part of him.
My mother was not the typical cuddly grandma, but my kids were fine with it because they were grounded with loving, fairly normal parents. They enjoyed grandma's unique character. Some of the stories they can tell about her and laugh about will long survive her passing.
My first reaction to this is to say "What a jerk!" It's probably easier for him to blame others for things than to accept the fact that his own actions are wrong. If you feel you must take your children to visit him (which I would probably insist he visit at my house instead) then tell him with the first remark that he can't say things like that to you or your children. Warn him that if it happens again you'll leave. Then when it does pack up the kids, wish him well, and leave. Your children are a bigger priority than your childish, immature father.
Hugs to you, your mom, and your sister for pulling through all of this.
I don't know how old your children are but, if they're old enough, I'd teach them that, although we are determined to love grandpa, we do know he sometimes says nasty things, and we watch out for them.
Then I'd keep the visits to a minimum! And I'd keep them supervised!
It sounds like your father needs to do some soul searching and realize that his behavior has/is impacting you as well as his grandchildren. If it were me, I would explain to him that his behavior is unacceptable, describing to him exactly what he does that makes you feel uncomfortable, and until he gets help and you see a positive change, I would limit his exposure to your children. If this can't happen, you CAN decide to cut him out of your life completely, and that's OK. I just had to do this with a member of my family. It was painful to do, but honestly, the more I thought about it,the negative encounters outweighed the positive ones, so I was doing more harm by allowing this person to be around my child. Good luck to you!
You are still being abused, N.. Not only that, but you are still allowing it. You want for him to 'accept' you so much that you are falling all over yourself to keep him in your life.
You need to get counseling so that you can start standing up for yourself and your family. AND you need to stop being around him so much.
He's not going to change. The one who has to change is you. Stop putting your family through this. And for the love of Pete, stop caring about 'denying' him. You do not OWE him, at all.
There is no reason you have to see him. No reason whatsover.
I would keep him out of my life and out of my kid's life. None of you need him.
