How to Teach My Son to Cope with Anxiety

Many towns have counseling offered. In my friend's town, she took one of her child to counseling (for similiar reasons) and it cost her $10.00 a visit - It was based on her income.

I do not think anxiety should be taken for granted or that something the child will outgrow. My friend's daughter had great success w/ this therapist and is now doing so much, much better.

Hi MOTB, the fact that the ( correct) coping techniques you're teaching him are actually ADDING to his anxiety makes me wonder if there's not more to it.

I had an angry 5 yo boy. I mentioned it to his ped who naturally suggested it's common for his age, a phase, and you can try this or that, but likely it'll pass.

It didn't pass. So I requested a referral from said ped to have him evaluated by a specialist. She was a MD, a child behavioralist.

Anyway I told him we were going to visit a nice lady who knows a lot about little boys and can help us be a happier family.

She was awesome. Took 2 visits for her to figure out what he needed. I was just too close to see, you know? She shed so much light on my James' personality in less then 3 hours. I have used what she suggested a number of times throughout his childhood. He is now a 3rd year computer engineering major, 20 years old. And we have discussed his anger and what to do about it through various phases of his life. He uses those techniques she taught us himself.

Point is, might be just the simplest little thing you can't see because you are so emotionally involved (as well you should be).

Our fellas have different issues, of course, but we want the same things for them, right?

Good Luck with your fella!

:)

It sounds to me like your ped is ignoring your child's needs. If he or she dismisses you discussing this with him/her AGAIN, you should ask why your child's problem is not important to him/her. Don't accept being dismissed, mom. If this doctor won't help you, find another doctor who cares. Quite frankly, unless you've downplayed your son's issues with this ped, it doesn't sound to me like this person is a good doctor.

Dawn

He probably needs some type of medication-so seek professional help. He can be desensitized to the issues at school-such as being late and test anxiety.

Plan something every day or so that he can look forward to-like Friday night rent a movie-comedy, of course, and plan a picnic in the family room with burgers, hand cut fires and homemade milkshakes-whatever his favorites are-no matter what the combination. Fun, planned activities will bring balance. "What About Bob" is a very funny movie-rated PG, and in a round about , lighthearted way, addresses the issues of anxiety/phobias, etc. All the best-it is beneficial that you are doing this now while you can modify the behavior instead of waiting until your son is older-it seems as though the older adult children just want to rely on the medication and not put forth any effort into making real changes to overcome the issues.

How old is he?

I would not rest on the advice of my ped. I don't have much respect for peds actually.

I have had alot of success with integrative physicians and alternative health care providers.

My anxiety is much better when I'm diligent with a particular B complex and essential fatty acids (EFAs). I also love acupuncture.

I have an MTHFR mutation which affects the way I absorb a certain B vitamin . . . my particular mutation has been correlated with anxiety (surprise surprise!). That being said, this is still a relatively unknown issue for many physicians.

All I'm saying is that there could be a physical component to his anxiety. And there might not be. Counseling could be a big help to him too.

Good luck and I hope you get this figured out. It can't be pleasant for him to feel that way.

ETA: I am not a health care provider of any type - this is just my own "mom" opinion.

Yes, please take him to a therapist who specializes in kids/teens. Anxiety is sadly, VERY common in this age group. My daughter was helped tremendously by therapy. She still gets anxious but she manages it much better now and it hardly ever affects her physically anymore.
ETA: and think about getting a new pediatrician, that's appalling that he didn't suggest therapy, especially with the breathing stuff going on!

aw, poor little guy. that's a hard way to go through life. good for you for understanding his struggle and trying to give him some coping tools.
it sounds as if he needs more than the basic tools, though. he's probably very smart, and very imaginative. there are probably books and websites you can go to for ideas, but i think your most effective and fast (and it sounds as if he needs some help now) way of getting him some help would be to speak to a counselor. it doesn't mean anything's wrong with him, you and he just need some ideas from a professional on some different possibilities for dealing it.
khairete
S.

This article by a Master's in Social Work is about a therapy called DBT, although that is for teens and adults. CBT is more commonly used for children. At the bottom some books are suggested for children - workbook type books - http://itsnotmental.blogspot.com/2011/12/dialectical-beha...

My kids used to have anxiety, which turned out in the end to be food and gut-related, with a bit of hormonal issues as well (thyroid is one such). But even to get to the point one could handle the idea of food changing, a combination of therapy and workbooks done at home then gone over with the therapist, was a tremendous help.

I hope your son has had pituitary, thyroid (not just TSH) and adrenal hormones checked. One friend with "anxiety" for whom therapy did not help, turned out to have an adrenal tumor.

You might also want to look into this, which has links to other pertinent articles: http://itsnotmental.blogspot.com/2011/08/brain-health-cut...

The problem with anxiety is that we sit in the worst case scenario thinking that it will last forever. Seldom does our fearful mind take us to the next steps. No matter how awful things are in reality, life still moves forward and we still cope. Our fearful mind doesn't see this and therefore we must make a concious effort to take ourselves beyond the fearful moment.

Ask him to tell you about the story he is believing about the situation. Ask him to describe the worst case scenario. Then ask him what will happen next. If he tries to say "I don't know." then ask him to pretend he knows and just sit there quietly and attentively for a moment. He will fill the space. Then continue to ask him what will happen next. With asking what will happen next, ask him what he will do. Ask him who he will ask for help, what does he need to help him, etc. Try as best as you can not to answer the question for him. Take him down the road of what will happen next a month to a year later. Also, if he gets stuck thinking about what he could do, ask him about a tough situation he had before and how he managed that situation and how things are different now.

It is important to help him identify what his resources are, both inner and outer. Outer resources would be parents, friends, teachers, police officers, his phone, etc. Inner resources (which are even more important) are his intelligence, creativity, street smarts, ability to build things or run fast or make a joke about things, etc. The more aware he is of resourcing and the more resources he has the better able he will be to navigate anything that happens. Help him to see that, while bad things do happen and we can't stop that, we always have resources to deal with them no matter how bad.

Don't forget the resource of feeling your feelings. It is vital that he has permission to feel all of his feelings about any situation and has appropriate ways of expressing the wide range of emotions.

I have a 9 year old who has trouble with anxiety, and I found the following article helpful. I taught him the meditation technique from the article, and it helps him. I lost the original link, but I think I got it from CNN.com. Here is a copy of the article:

Real Simple) -- We would like to think of kids as carefree creatures whose main obsessions are puppy dogs and rainbows. And yet, as anyone whose tear-stained 6-year-old has run home fresh from a playground insult knows, a kid's life has disappointments and worries that feel as all-consuming as any grown-up's.

"Any situation we don't control can trigger anxiety and stress," says Beth Block, a marriage and family therapist in Austin, Texas. And kids have plenty of things that they don't control—mealtime, bedtime, exactly when to leave SeaWorld. The way to help your children cope with the slings and arrows of kid stress (and eventually teen and grown-up stress) is to restore some of that control. How? By teaching them simple self-soothing techniques that will help them to relax and regroup.

Here are six expert-recommended, kid-friendly ways for your child to shift out of meltdown mode, calm down after a tiff with a friend, or survive the college-application panic. (Big bonus: The techniques will work for you, too.)

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The key to getting kids to use these de-stressers? Introduce them when things are cool, says Susan Kaiser Greenland, the creator of the "Inner Kids Program," an internationally taught curriculum of meditation for children, and the author of "The Mindful Child." "If they learn how to use these tools when they're already relaxed, they'll be better able to pull them out and implement them effectively when they're stressed," she says. And that kind of power is sweet relief indeed.

De-Stress Technique: Meditation
Why it works: This very basic technique is based on a type of meditation called mindfulness. "It's about focusing on the body's physical sensations, as opposed to the mind's runaway thoughts and feelings," says Danny Dreyer, a mind-body educator in Asheville, North Carolina, and a coauthor of "Chi Running."

How to teach it: Explain it by asking your child to think of a snow globe. When you shake it, you can't see clearly, which is what happens to us when our mind is flooded with thoughts like "My best friend hates me" or "I'll never pass that test." When we pause, the feelings settle (like the snow in the globe) and we can focus. Have her close her eyes and concentrate on one physical sensation. Talk her through it: "Think about your feet. Can you feel them both on the floor? What are your toes doing?" Coach young kids to stick with that sensation for 5 to 10 breaths; older kids can go for a minute or longer.

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Times to try it: For anger or anxiety when her routine is disrupted; anytime she's feeling overwhelmed.

De-Stress Technique: Deep Breathing
Why it works: Taking deep, belly-filling breaths sends an all-clear signal to the nervous system that triggers the relaxation response: The heart beats more slowly, blood pressure comes down, and the muscles release tension, says Susan Biali, M.D., the author of "Live a Life You Love."

How to teach it: Have your child sit or lie down and coach her to breathe in and out of her nose so that her belly fills with air and empties again. For a younger kid, coach her to fill her belly like a balloon as she breathes in and then let the air out as if she's blowing water from her nose. You can also have her place a hand on her belly and try to move her hand up and down with each breath. For an older kid, tell him to try to imagine inhaling peace and exhaling frustration.

Times to try it: Lying in bed just before sleep; at school before a big test; during a major homework session, when she needs a "brain break."

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De-Stress Technique: Listening to Music
Why it works: Studies have shown that soothing music lowers heart rate, blood pressure, and stress-hormone levels. It also creates a mellow mood.

How to teach it: Play different types of music (classical, acoustic guitar, lullabies) in the car or before bed. Ask your child how the music makes him feel: Calm? Happy? "You want to guide him into seeing how music can have a positive effect on his body and mind," says Lori Lite, a kids' stress-reduction expert in Marietta, Georgia, and the creator of the CD series "Indigo Dreams."

Times to try it: Anytime a freak-out looms; middle-of-the-night wake-ups. "Instead of calling for you, they can turn on the CD player," says Lite. A few picks: the "Rockabye Baby!" series, with lullaby versions of the Beatles and the Red Hot Chili Peppers; for older kids, "Classical Kids' The Best of Mozart."

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De-Stress Technique: Visualization
Why it works: Giving kids something to do with distressing feelings, even though that something is imaginary, can help them manage those feelings and draw attention to positive thoughts, says Block.

How to teach it: "Bubbles are a great way to help kids practice visualizing emotions and letting them go," says Lite. Real bubbles are a fun visual aid—or you can simply pretend to use them. Have kids imagine filling the bubbles with negative feelings and watching them float away. "Younger kids can stomp out the bubbles when they land on the ground," says Lite. "Another technique is to imagine filling them with patience or strength, or whatever quality they need most, and sending that out into the world."

Times to try it: To get over a sad mood (imagine filling the bubbles with the blues); the night before starting a new class (send any fear into the bubbles); when transitioning from school to home (literally blow off the stress of the day).

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De-Stress Technique: Guided Imagery
Why it works: You ask your child to imagine herself in a relaxing situation, talking her through the exercise. Your voice calms her and helps her to focus by giving a script to follow.

How to teach it: Have your child lie in bed with the lights dimmed. Say, "Pretend your bed is made of feathers, and it's so soft and comfortable that you can't even move." Then, starting with the feet, have her imagine that tiny beams of light live inside her toes. "You want to start with the feet to get your child's attention out of her head and into her body, which means she'll be less likely to think stressful or distracting thoughts," says Linda Sparrowe, the author of "The Woman's Book of Yoga and Health." Next, describe to her how the light slowly moves up through her ankles, shins, knees, thighs, hips, belly, chest, arms, neck, and head, warming her body as it goes.

Times to try it: When setting the stage for deep sleep; while lying on the table at the doctor's office waiting for a shot.

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De-Stress Technique: Repeating Soothing Words
Why it works: This is the kid version of a mantra—a "tool of the mind" (one translation of the Sanskrit mantra) that involves the calming repetition of certain special words. When the mind can give one phrase undivided attention, it's less likely to bounce around. (This is similar to what happens when you give a puppy a chew toy.)

How to teach it: Together with your child, say, "I am," then take a breath together; after you both exhale, say, "Relaxed," says Sparrowe. With younger kids, you can repeat this aloud a few times. Eventually, your child can say the mantra silently, so she can use it anytime she needs to feel calmer.

Times to try it: Upsets on the playground; dentist's appointments; right before a piano recital or the SATs.

Definitely get him in with a behavioral therapist. Our son has anxiety in the form of OCD and his therapist is helping him work through it. A therapist will have ideas for different strategies to try with your son.

get him help.. a child psychologist..

it might just be a couple of sessions.. but it might be incredibly helpful.

alos.. if you go to one therapist and you dont see results.. try a different one.. some are great others are not.

I agree with another mom to look into medication. The medication can be used to help his body settle down and then opens him up to learn how to cope. Using the tools that perhaps a therapist can help with. Medication and therapy doesn't have to be a long-term thing but at least it helps him to learn about his body and to learn about the tools he could use to help self-calm and those times of anxiety. I think you need to bypass your pediatrican because clearly he/she doesn't understand that the quality of life your child is living under is not good right now. Be proactive and find a child therapist for anxiety and perhaps a psychiatrist to help with the meds. It would be great if you could find a psychiatrist and a therapist that have consulted with each other before and have mutual clients. Best of luck.