How Would You Handle This? - San Francisco,CA

Just tell her thanks and that you will take everything she said into consideration but you really want to TALK and FOCUS on the upcoming wedding! You don't want to talk about having a baby until after you are married.

You just have to ignore her. As rude as it seems. I have a friend that does this very thing. She had her baby in a bathtub. As weird as I think that having a baby where you bathe...I TRY to be on board with HER dicision. YET, she IS NOT on board with MY dicision to have a c-section.
There are just some women that you are not going to agree with. No matter how hard you try. I tried. It got me no where....apparently, having a baby via c-section is part of the wrong work... ;) I, personally celebrated her birth...she just didnt see the same miracle as mine.

I think much of what you wrote near the end of your request would work quite well:

"I want to be sensitive to the needs you are expressing, and as your friend, I am happy to listen to your experiences and what they mean to YOU. I can hear that you mean well. AND, my needs are different than yours, so I will be making my own decisions."

When you make a comment like that with frank but friendly honesty and with a relaxed, cheerful voice, when you acknowledge the good intentions of your friend, when you use the magic word "and" between your acknowledgment and your conclusion, and when you stick to observable facts and not judgements on her motives or manners, then she'll probably be able to hear you.

If she keeps coming at you, a shorter version will eventually work, perhaps, "Thank you for caring, Annie. And I can't base my decisions on your history and your concerns; I have a history, too, and legitimate concerns of my own."

Argh! I am always shocked when people take advice to this level. You need to be VERY direct with her. I see that everyone else is wanting you to take a bit of a round about approach but this lady is not a round about person.

Take a few moments, let her know you need to have a heart to heart with her. (This will get her attention.) Tell her that you understand how passionate she is about her child-rearing and the choices she has made in this arena, but you need her to let you make your own decisions. Make it clear to her that you are very impressed with her tenacity but need to make decisions that reflect YOUR needs. I would even go so far as the clarify that she is being offensive by not honoring or respecting your plan for your family and believing you need direction from her to this level. (This will probably make her fall off her chair.) I would close by telling her, "You have very strong beliefs, but I would love it if you could respect my beliefs as well. This doesn't mean you have to agree with me, just understand that I make decisions for me and my family, not you."

You never know how someone will take these sorts of conversations, but I have always been of the belief that if you cannot have open conversations with people in your life then you are hangin' with the wrong people.

Good luck to you and your family plans - ENJOY!

I think your friend is being a little bit pushy but has some good points. I would get across to her that you have heard what she has to say but you need to make your own decisions.

It is really hard to know what it will be like to be a parent until you are one. I have 2 children and I was 35 and 38 when they were born. Both deliveries were difficult and ended in unplanned c-sections. Being pregnant and having a baby is hard on your body, especially as you get older. Fertility can also be a problem as a woman gets older. My sister is currently 35 and struggling to get pregnant and another friend spent 8 years trying to get pregnant before having a baby with ivf at 38. On the other hand I got pregnant in under 6 weeks when I was 37. You just don't know which way it will go for you until you try. Trying to get pregnant and having a baby is all about dealing with risks and uncertainties.

It makes sense to buy a house and get your finances in order before having a baby. I didn't do so well in that respect and it is hard money wise to all live on one income. On the other hand if you wait too long for everything to be just right before trying to have children you could accidentally lose the chance. You need to figure out your own set of priorities on this.

I am not trying to influence you. You and your future husband need to talk and figure out what plan will work for you both. I hope you have a wonderful marriage and future family (if you want one).

We all come from our own contexts. We (almost) all mean our best.

What would *I* do if a close/best friend said something that came from her own context but I didn't feel was right for me? I would say just that, "I know you are coming from your heart, but I have to follow my own. Thank you for your advice (I know it comes from love), but I need to go down my own path and learn my own lessons."

For her, what she is said is absolutely true. What you feel is also absolutely true. You both have to do what is right for YOU. It doesn't have to come between your friendship or impact your lifestyle. We get to walk down our own path with integrity, honesty, passion, conviction and love.

Hi,

It sounds to me like she is on more of a rant than giving you personal advice. She has tacked on her own experiences and assumed that you will have the same or want the same things that she does. I think she is trying to find some commonality with you in being friends but doesn't know how to go about it. She is trying to give you helpful advice in her eyes but annoying and offensive in yours. Here's what I would do: Next time she talks about it--say hey--_____(name) I completely understand and appreciate the fact that you really want to offer me advice on all these things like when to be parents, buying a house, my lifestyle etc. I know you are trying to help, but your really coming across strong and it makes me want to distance myself from you. I know you mean well, but I'm the type of person that doesn't sit well with unsolicited advice-- If were going to be good friends, your gonna need to back off a bit--- could you do that please? Say it with a smile and she will get it--right to the point and go ok-- I need to shut up! But be honest and tell her her method is off-putting and makes you want to distance yourself--there are some things in life that you want to find out yourself----Good luck, hope this helps!

Molly

how important is her friendship to you?
is she this overbearing in other aspects of your relationship?
those would be two things i'd need to know before deciding exactly how to proceed.
a lot of folks have epiphanies and need to share them. that's okay. it's a *youth* thing to believe that one's epiphanies are relevant to anyone else and that everyone will be equally excited and enlightened. if she's just sounding off about Life Truths About Herself that she wants to share and have validated, i'd probably listen (up to a point anyway) and thank her for her insights and point out that not everyone's experiences are the same and you're looking forward to blazing your own trail.
if she is the sort who feels her advice is just so amazing that everyone should not only listen but follow it precisely, i'd yawn and move on.
some folks are just looking for disciples, not real friends. it doesn't sound as if this one is at all interested in reciprocity, in soliciting your opinions and observations, only in having you mirror back her admiration for herself.
i do hope i'm wrong and that you can figure out a way to enjoy your friendship. but i'm betting you're going to have to have a frank conversation with her about her bossiness, and she won't be pleased.
khairete
S.

I would say something like "I appreciate your advice, but please just support me in my decisions as a friend."
My friends and I have that unspoken policy. We may not understand why someone is doing something, we may not agree with it, but because we are friends we don't judge, we support each other.
Hopefully if she's your friend she will understand it's ok to voice her opinions/rants/frustrations/laughs/etc about her life, but her life is just that...her life, it's not yours.
Good Luck.

So sorry you are dealing with this. This is kind of rhetoric is one of my largest pet peeves. We all make our own choices about what works best for our families, and they're OURS to make, not for anyone else.

And this is exactly what I would suggest that you tell her. Tell her that you appreciate her sharing her perspective and what has worked, so far, for her and HER family... but that you hope that she, as your friend, will respect the choices that you eventually make for you and YOUR family.

And I'd leave it at that. If she wants to keep pressing the point with you, tell her that you really don't want this to come between you, that you hope you can agree to disagree, and change the subject.

I had a friend - who had not yet had any kids - ream me and my husband on this very thing when I was pregnant, and we just sat and listened while she went on and on and on and on. She especially thinks that it's wrong to work when you have children, mostly because she had bad babysitters when she was small, and she had worked in a day care center that she thought was sub-par. I pretty much said that I appreciated her opinion and left it there. Now SHE'S pregnant and is probably going to have to use day care/babysitters because she's going to have to work at least part time. It has taken ALL my restraint to bite my tongue and not say anything to her, but I do wonder how she's reconciling the opinion she had 3 years ago with the reality of her life right now.

Good luck dealing with your friend...

I would probably make a comment to her--and have her full attention when I do it.
Something like "I know that becoming a mother changes people and you now have a whole new outlook on life. Joe & I need to do things our way, in our time...just like everyone else. I'm glad to know I'll have a built-in 'giver-of-advice' friend when I'll need it most! We're just not there yet."

I think you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders--enough to know what's the 'right' way for YOU and your future marriage and family. Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

You must nip this in the bud now. About 1.5 years ago, I was in a similiar situation. Except my friend gave me unsolicited parenting advice. We had similiar aged small children. As we all know, small kids are not perfect, and every little thing my child did that this friends didn't like, she would start in on me about how I needed to discipline my child, and my child is going to be a monster if I didn't do x,y & z. She would call me up and tell me "I saw a parenting show on tv last night, and there was this TERRIBLE child on that reminded me of your daughter". Hello, how offensive is THAT?? She would repetedly hurt my feelings and make me so mad with her comments. But I was a dummy & didn't say anything to her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings (if you can believe that, but its true) and I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship so I kept my mouth shut. Big mistake. Resentment built on my part, and it made me start treating her badly. Very soon afterwards we blew up at each other and things got really ugly. Needless to say, the friendship is LONG over.

My point is, if you want to stay frineds with this person you better be very blunt with her and tell her "while I appreciate your advice and I value your opinion, I really need you to back off and let me handle things how I see fit". Because trust me, if you don't put this friend in her place...just wait until you DO have a baby. This friend is going to be pointing out EVERYTHING you are doing wrong, and telling you how to raise your child. And nothing infuriates a mother more than someone telling them how to parent their child. Nip it in the bud now. If she gets offended and stops talking to you, oh well. Then she wasn't a true friend anyway. Good luck and congrats on your wedding!

It sounds like your friend has some rather strong opinions...and had found a soap box to stand on in order to make sure that her audience ( YOU) hears her!!
I would thank her nicely for her "input" and then go on about your life. If it is important to you that you maintain your friendship with this woman you will not want to argue with her or tell her WHY you are not interested in taking her advice.
Don't let her upset you...the world is FULL of people with all sorts of different opinions...and we all have to learn to get along.
My own daughter is raising her son in a diametrically opposed way to how we raised our children...but I know that she has put a lot of thought and research and love into what she is doing and I respect that.

Is this a needed argument? She is not your fiance. She will not be making this decision with you. You do not have to explain your choices to her. Smile, nod, and say, "You might be right." Then live your life. Don't talk to her about these decisions. She is welcome to have opinions. It is likely that you are one of very few people that she feels like she can talk to. It's just not worth getting offended by someone who has no power over your life.

I would wager she's lonely and wants friends with kids similar in age to her own, especially if she's staying at home for those 4 years to raise her kid. I can sympathize with her wanting her friends to have kids so she has someone to hang out with and be at the same place in their lives as she is--starting a family. The longer you wait to have kids the farther apart your kids will be in age.

I'd probably avoid conversations about kids and be really direct about it if subtle hints aren't working: You're focusing on your upcoming wedding and not interested in talking about having kids now. Then change the subject if she brings it up or stop talking to her (i.e. get off the phone). Eventually, she'll get the message. If you let her keep harassing you about kids, it'll never stop. When it comes down to it, the only people's opinions who matter about when, where, and how you raise your kids are yours and your husband's.

I am sure I was very obnoxious when I first had my baby girl. All of a sudden I wanted everyone around me to have babies!
Your friend is very over zealous and I bet you she does not realize how annoying she is being.
I think true friends should communicate. Tell her you are happy for her and appreciate how excited she is to be a mother but she is going over the top. Say hay, lay off the baby peddling! Tell her you are very happy with your life and you really do not like her lectures. You value her as a friend and are being honest with her. If you hold it in you will explode or overreact at the wrong moment.

I've been on both sides of this fence and know that people really gain new perspectives after having children. If you do have a family, after awhile there is a whole new outlook on life. Not better, not worse, just different.

Also, after 35, a woman's fertility drops like a bag of bricks. Everyone thinks that they will be the exception. Read up on it and then make your decision together. Knowledge is a good thing. You will never regret it because you will better know the risks from both options.

I think you should just remind her that you are not her and that you and your husband have made decisions that you are happy with that suit both of you. What she has done or whatever her advice is, is good advice, but it is simply not for you because you have different priorities. Remind her that it is important for you and your husband to spend some time alone, just the two of you, because once you have children, there will be no more time for just the two of you. If she persists, then I would simply limit my time with her so as to avoid the stress she obviously causes you.

One question.....is she really happy with all these decisions she has made? Some people are miserable and just want to bring you down with them, or want you to pull them out. I find that people who push this much are usually trying to tell you something other than the advice they are giving. If she was truly just a happy person she would be strong enough to be happy for you and the wonderful things in your life right now. Instead she is drilling her lifestyle into you in hopes that you can help her with her questions. Does that make any sense? Why don't you ask her more questions about it, make the conversation come from you, not her. Give her a venue to talk but on your terms. From there you can see if the advice is really her trying to "support" you. Or maybe you will find that she needs a friend with a life outside motherhood too. Being a stay at home mom can be very lonely and many women, no matter how much they love their kids, go through a moment of questioning their choices. She may be reaching out to you but unaware how to do it as we, as moms, are not "allowed" to admit that life is not all sweets and roses.

One thing you do not mention is what your friendship was like before she had kids. Was there a friendship then? Maybe she needs that back to some degree but doesn't know how to ask.

Good luck.

Most of the suggestions she's making to you have some merit... as simply suggestions. However it soundls like she is going out of bounds in the manner in which she is suggesting them. If I were your friend and wanted to point out the options and pitfalls of waiting (and I'm sure it's your ages that are causing her to want to make these suggestions) I would be saying something like "have you thought about this aspect?" and then let you think about it and make your own decisions.
I think, if you value her friendship, you will want to simply make a statement to the effect that you understand how she feels about it, but that it is your and your future husband's decision as to how you deal with your lives. Ask her to please keep her opinions on having children to herself from now on, unless you ask her for advice. If you don't value her friendship all that much, you may want to be more forceful and risk losing her as a friend, but I don't think that should be necessary.