Hurt Feelings

Hi D.,

I grew being picked on and teased, too. They say 4 out of 5 women hate their bodies. I have been struggling to not be one of them. I found this show on LifeTime called How To Look Good Naked. They take a woman and in 5 days she goes from hating her body to loving it. Among the phycological things done is that they take a pic of her body, without the face, and they project it on a building in a busy city. The host goes around asking people what they think of that body. They late play the responses for the woman. Imagine strangers saying your body is attractive and beautiful.

Instead for your daughter, you can keep telling her how pretty she is. Get the other family members to tell her, too. Go shopping for clothes she looks pretty in. Try on lots of stuff like a fashion show or play dress up. It will help if she sees Mommy loving herself, too. You could be helping her brush her teeth, look in the mirror, and say something like, "Danielle, have you noticed how pretty with both are?"

I hope you can end the cycle of low self esteem for her. Good luck!

We all are beautiful, ladies! Don't forget it!

H.
~Peachy!

Kids can be such butts sometimes can't they?

I've had young girls crying to me because someone called them fat. I tell them that all my life I was very skinny, but I have big ears. And kids teased me all the time, in 4th grade one girl called me Dumbo, like the elephant. I was crushed. I told my parents and my dad told me to tell them I was just a taxicab going down the road with both doors open...clever but didn't make me feel any better. BUT my mom told me to tell this tall, large girl that I would rather be skinny with big ears & a model than the fat lady in the circus...KA CHING. I told her that the next day & she never bothered me again.!!

BUT>.>I say that NOT to promote and eye for an eye and I continue my talk. I tell them that kids will say mean things to people all the time. Sometimes it's easy to see, big ears, buck teeth, lots of freckles, but other times it's not so they call you stupid because that's all they know to say. I ask them if they know they aren't stupid & they say yes, then I tell them that well chances are you aren't the things these people said to you either--kids are just mean.

I know she's young, maybe too young for that, but just start talking to her about all her good qualities. She has kissy cheeks so that mommy can kiss on them to let her know how much she's loved. And her butt isn't big they're just jealous cause they don't have a good one. Ask her is she thinks you're ugly (chances are she'll say NO) and then remind her that she looks like you! Try & get her to focus on the good things about her without causing her to swing the other way, know what I mean?

I might also consider keeping her away from those girls for a while. Let us know how she's doing. I don't know if anything I said made since, my fingers were flying & outpacing my brain.

HI D.,
I totally understand your concern. I have a 12 year old daughter who has always been 'thick'. She's very athletic and muscular and the only place on her body that she has 'baby fat' is her stomach. But she is not rail thin like most girls her age and has shown her worry about for a few years now.

The world is not a nice place. I just remind her every single day how beautiful she is and that God made her the way she is for a reason. I focus on all the wonderful things about her and just keep reminding her of them

I think sometimes things like that hurt our feelings (as mothers) more than our children and that's normal. They are pretty resilient. Just continue to teach her to know that she is beautiful and to be nice to others who may not look like the 'norm'.

Good luck!

Dear D.
I can truly feel for you and your beautiful daughter. As a child I was teased for being too skinny, flat chested (well older than your daughter then) and especially for my buck teeth. Those comments made me want to hide under an umbrella.

A bigger cruel comment was "L., your Mum/Dad are so old - they must be your grandparents!" I was the medical miracle cuz Mum was 41 when she had me. I never knew my folks with anything but gray hair. I defended them often and once the kids got to know them they loved them too. But outward appearances are just the icing not the cake! (but very hard to explain that to a 4 yr old)

Maybe you could try this - every morning/night look in the bathroom mirror or in one in your daughter's bedroom if she has one. Say "____ (your name)I love you. I'm beautiful." Then have her do the same thing. You can change what you/she says...always positive. It's sort of like Snow White. I still do it especially if I'm feeling depressed, lack of confidence, or have had some negative comment thrown at me.

Beauty comes from within....and children (as well as adults) can be so cruel....I hope that my message may help you a tad.
Keep us posted how things are going.

I struggled with this and my daughter when she was 4. She is now 6. My thought is generally that other kids say these things when they have heard Mommy or another authority figure say them.

My husband and I decided that we couldn't do anything to change anyone else. Or make them see how insensitive they are. What we could control and change to a certain extent... is how our daughter saw herself.

We started providing extra compliments even to the point of annoying her. We pointed out the great things about her personality, and character.

We stress to all of our children that what people look like is so much less important than who they are as humans, christians, brothers, sisters, and sons/daughters.

She will always face people who have negative opinions, or dislike anyone who isn't like them. There are books that you can read about raising confident girls. They might be helpful. Sorry I don't know the author off the top of my head.

Your poor baby. Your heart must of broken. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to protect our children from comments like this except give them the self esteem they need to be able to ignore it. Children are mean, plain and simple, and I seriously doubt that any child will be immune to it by either being the recipient or the meanie.

Building self esteem will dimish the pain, however, it won't make it go away or make her stop questioning her looks.. unfortunately, the older our kids get, the more this will happen. I am not looking forward to it when this happens to my daughter.

Give her a big hug and keep reiterating to her that she is beautiful and some people like different things, beauty is afterall in the eyes of the beholder.

My daughter is a little "chubby", and kids say things to her all of the time. I tell her that is is so beautiful and God is an artist and he made her. My heart breaks everytime someone says these things to her. I teach my kids to love everyone and that people a beautiful and special even the ones that say mean things.

E.

kids are so mean sometimes. Unfortunally your daughter will have to deal with people like that her whole life. And it will break your heart every time. All you really can do it assure her that she is special and beautiful to you and try to securre her in your love for her so that she always has a safe place to come. You can also talk to the other parent, but sometimes this causes more problems. Just give her all your love is about all you can do, because you cant control other people and their children.