Husband Help

The part where you allow your Mom talk to your husband does not sound right and will probably give evidence to your husband that your Mom is controlling and that you are weak. I would not go that route unless you can deal with new marital problems. This is the kind of stuff that people work on in marital therapy. There is no place for your Mom in the consulting room. Good luck. Alicia

Hi S.,
I"m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have a wonderfully close and open relationship with your mother, which is great. That is a gift to be cherished and nutured. However, as many other posters have mentioned, it will help your marital situation immensely if you are able to find someone else to confide in other than her, when it comes to matters of your husband. If she brings him up, you can just say "You're right Mom, but I am not in a position to talk about that with you right now. Thank you for your understanding". It'll be hard and she'll probably push you but you need to stick to your guns. The reason is because your husband is now your primary relationship, NOT your mom. If you talk to her about him then it will not help your primary relationship, it will hurt it. There is just no way around it. It's not so much about choosing between them, but more about allowing your relationship with your mother to evolve into a secondary rather than a primary family relationship. Your primary family is your husband and your child(ren). Your parents and siblings, cousins, etc. are now your secondary family. All are important in the family circle, but it is important to distinguish between the two, and to make your primary family your main priority. A well trained family counselor will be able to help you to make this transition in a healthy, productive way, rather than having it be a traumatic experience or having you feel like you are excluding one for the other. It's a difficult transition but it's crucial if you want to build a healthy and happy marriage.
Best of luck to you. -Suzi

Just a note about confiding marital matters to parents -- I have always found that it is best to refrain from doing so. If you need to confide in someone, choose a counselor or a good girlfriend, instead. Our parents will always be our parents and they have OUR interest at heart, not our spouse's. Also, once whatever matter is bothing you is resolved, if you've confided in your parents, it is hard for them to forget, you know what I mean? If your husband has an issue with your mother, this is particularly important!! :)

First, I want to congratulate you on five years of marriage and being a loving wife and mother. Every marriage has its unique problems, it is not all sunshine and roses everyday. Right now, I think maybe the best thing to do to resolve this situation is to return to counseling for improvement of communication, if you feel like you need to do so. It is important to remember that in a marriage, the couple needs to separate from their birth family in order to become a couple. The more you involve your extended family (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.) in your personal problems as a couple, then it prevents you from having as solid a relationship as you can. I think in order to gain some alone time with your husband, you should do as he requests (just once) and hire a babysitter that is not a family member. Then talk to him, really talk, about your feelings/needs/confusion over issues in your marriage, including whether and when to have additional children. This is not a situation of who is right and who is wrong, it is just a matter of having as strong a marriage as you can.

Very best of luck,
J.

I wouldn't have your mom say anything to him when she "causes" problems for him. Your mother, while her intentions are to help, will most likely cause trouble. It may be wise to stop complaining about him to her as this will put her on the defense. If you want someone to complain or talk things out with, call a impartial girlfriend.
How is his relationship with his mom? If he has always had the man of the house role in his family, he probably doesn't know how to have a mother/son role. What your mom is doing may be normal for most, but if you hubby never had this relationship, he won't understand it and therefore, fight it. Yes, you are stuck in the middle and you'll have to ease your way out it.
What does your husband do right? Focus on those things and play them up. It is great that he is protective of your daughter. As his confidence as a husband and father progresses, his attitude will change. If he is constantly told everything he does is wrong or an overeaction (which is based on opinion), he will act accordingly.
Set up a sitting schedule between his mom and your mom, or another relativ,e and go out for dates. couple time is important. After kids, some parents forget this important part. Until things are settled, hold off on the sibling. It will only add to the stress.
I suggest you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", "10Stupid Things Couples do to Mess Up their Relationship" and you both read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and "Bad Childhood, Good Life" all by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
Good luck.

I feel for you and from what you've explained, it seems like you should give in to what your husband wants. It doesn't sound like he is being unreasonable. Why not hire a sitter? Maybe he feels like you are getting your mom too involved with your family/marital matters. Don't go to your mom about your marriage problems (leave and cleave sista).

Choose your husband over your mother and don't be argumentative with him. Give him respect. Each time you disagree with him, you are disrepecting him. Trust him in his decisions and be supportive. Let him make mistakes and he'll see the error of his own ways. In turn, he will truly love you for it.

Also think about it...is it really him who wants things his way, or is it in fact you wanting your way? Someone's got to give in...it's not worth damaging your marriage over it and things will improve over time.

I am so sorry. It is very difficult to be put in the middle. we all love our husbands and our mothers- most of the time. in my experience counseling was a great thing. my husband would not listen to a woman as well as a man- he would never admit that but it was very obvious to me- so i chose a man counselor who was great. he saw him on his own and we went together. My husbands father left when he was young as well and he had 3 sisters at the time. i think it was nice to have to have a man to help him figure things out. he didn't respond well to yet another woman telling him what to do.
it was very helpful at the time that i went to my own counselor to work on me. while all the problems were his of course:) I did need to learn how to stand up for me and my children not only with him but in life in general but in a healthy way. i also shared way too much with my mother and it was hard for her to keep an open mind about the man i loved after that.
My best advice is take care of yourself. You are a great person and a wonderful mother and a loyal wife. You want to endure and work hard for the things you feel are valuable and that is a wonderful quality.
Best of luck to you and a strong happy family.
KL

Hi S.:
You've received some excellent responses,so I won't rattle on. I come from A family of 5 girls and two boys,and while I can't imagine A family that size,attempting to cope with one parent,I can imagine the heavy burden your husband endured as the only son.I know you don't feel this way now,but your probably more fortunate than most,in that your husband,grew up,and became quite independent at an early age. Lord knows,some never grow up.It's wonderful you have such a close relationship with your mother. You are aware,that nothing you say or do,can be wrong in her eyes. You know,that no matter what the circumstances,she is going to side with you.This is comforting, makes you feel better,and gives you some rationality in any disputes with your husband,however it is all(One sided) This is one of the reasons your husband thinks your mother is to involved.If you are in the habit of using her as a mediator, problem solver, or leverage in decision making.he will feel out-numbered,because she will always be partial. I realize that its a lot more convenient and comforting having mom watch over your daughter,however,is his request for your daughter to have a sitter occasionally that unreasonable? Would it not be to her advantage,to become familiar with someone other than her Grandma? What happens if Grandma can't watch her? Is it worth risking your relationship to make this A major conflict? I am guessing,that the reason your daughter had a fit when Grandma picked her up to say goodbye,is because she thought she was taking her to her house.This is no reflection on their relationship. Its because your daughter is happiest, there with you and dad.If in that moment she thought she was having to go,that could have set her off.S.,Any solid relationship,is one of compromise. Ya give a little,take a little.Try to talk to your partner more,and refrain from seeking consolation from your mother each time you want to confirm your correct. I strongly suggest your mother NOT have that sit down with your husband,and I'd keep matters that should be private between the two of you just that. I wish you and your husband the very best. J. M

I know my response is late, but I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I have a really hard time when my husband and I do not agree over certain issues. I am glad to hear that divorce is not an option. It is not for us either. "Love and Respect" was really helpful for me (there is a book and a seminar - the seminar is great). The premise is that most women primarily need love, while men primarily need respect (that is, in essence, how they feel "loved"). I am always trying to think of ways to express admiration, gratitude, and respect to my husband (even if I am really irritated or mad at him). So when we need to talk about an issue and come to some kind of agreement, I spend a great deal of time thinking about how to approach it in a way that will not make him feel as though I do not respect him, or that I am challenging his leadership. Someone once gave me great advice when I was a teacher. If I had to speak to a parent about a misbehaving student, I should "sandwich" the negative issue. Say something good about the student first, then the problem, then something good again. I try to do that with my husband too. Say something encouraging and uplifting first, then bring up the problem, then say something complementary again. As an example, it could look something like this, "I really respect and appreciate the way you love our daughter and want to protect her. Sometimes I feel that the protectiveness is a little overboard and you are such a wonderful father that I know you want what is best for her." Then go on from there. I also try not to "label" or make my husband feel attacked. Such as saying "the protectiveness is a little overboard" rather than saying, "you are being overprotective." That seems to help keep the focus on the issue, not making him feel that I am attacking his character. Those are the words that come to my mind, but you will know best how to communicate with your husband.

Expressing respect for my husband really goes a long way with him. Even if we disagree on something (and I may not feel a lot of respect for him), when he feels that I admire him and respect him as a leader, it seems to help him to relax, like he doesn't have to "prove" himself, and we can actually dialogue and sometimes even compromise. And I end up respecting him even more. We recently had to discuss an issue that we disagree on, regarding our children. And he is deployed so effective communication is 10 times harder for us than it is face-to-face. On this particular issue, I really felt he was wrong and I wanted him to back off and let me deal with it my way, and I was not feeling much respect. But I very carefully thought about how I would approach this. My husband is a great problem solver, so I complimented him on that and expressed other things about him that I appreciate and admire, and I presented this issue as a problem that I needed his help in solving. I was completely blown away by his response and the outcome. I never told him that I wanted him to back off and let me handle it my way (which was what I wanted) but that would have come across as completely disrespectful and a challenge to his authority. But in his solution to the problem, he felt it was best that I simply handle things as I thought best. I also found out that this particular issue really hit a "vulnerable" spot for him and he really opened up to me about that. It turned out to be the type of communicating that made me feel so much closer to him and helped me understand him better and where he is coming from. It turned out that the issue was deeper than I thought it was and it was a great moment of communication for us. (And I was soooo stressed about bringing it up - it had been a long-time disasgreement).

As a side note, my husband also grew up without a father and I think that may sometimes lead to a tendency to overcompensate. But he is a great father to our children and I always try to focus on that.

When it comes to expressing respect when I don't "feel" it, sometimes I think I am just being fake. But I have come to view it differently. There are times that I am really tired, frustrated, etc. and I do not feel like preparing food for my children, or taking them outside so they can play, or bathing them when they are dirty, or brushing their teeth at night, but I do it anyway because that is what they need. I may not "feel" much respect for my husband at any given time, but I express respect to him anyway because that is what he needs.

I hope this helps a little and I really hope you find a way to settle this issue so you can have some peace.:)

S.-
It sounds like your mom is a great person. The fact that she is willing to sit down & talk to your husband is a wonderful thing. This could forge a bond between the two & make a huge difference in your relationship. As for the intimacy issues, catch him off gaurd, create a mood, spice it up! It could be fun :)

Hi S.,

Well this one is a difficult one...but first of all are you sure your daughter likes to be taken care by grandma? It sounds like she doesn't if she cries when grandma picks her up to say goodbye, if she was happy with grandma she will be crying but because grandma is leaving and she doesn't want her to. Everyday when you drop her off with grandma is she happy to stay? When I was working I had a babysitter for my 4 year old he was ok with that it took him a while but then when my babysitter told me she couldn't take care of my son anymore I ask my dad because my mom works, everyday everytime my dad get home my son would start crying and it broke my heart to leave him, but I had to go to work. I told my husband about my son how he use to get and my husband told me to leave my job which I did I'm home now. Also at the beginning before having a babysitter we were leaving him in a daycare it looked nice and clean and the people looked nice and all but my baby was changing a lot, he would also cry every morning he was there almost four months, but like I said he was changing, he is a very happy, funny, outgoing boy, he was looking sad most of the time he didn't want to play with daddy like he use to and something was telling us that something was wrong. so thats why I'm home now.

well enough about me, S. just pay attention to your daughter maybe she is not happy with grandma for whatever reason. Try to understand your husband and feel happy that he loves his daughter to death is very rare for man to love their kids so much. Sit down talk to him let him tell you how he feels and let him know how you feel, and don't have another baby until both of you are sure you are ok with each other. I wish you the best and I hope you both find each other soon before is to late. God Bless You and your Family.

Im glad divorce is not an option for you! Good job with that. Do you have someone else you trust with your daughter, let me rephrase, someone else that you BOTH trust? If so, why not switch off. Still plan your getaway because well let's face it, before the baby there was you and him, and she wouldn't be here is it wasn't for the two of you. Maybe if you compromise a little and say okay, this trip we'll get so and so to watch the baby and then the next time you guys go to the grocery store or coffee together your mom can watch her for that hour or so. I think in order to get we have to first give, and if your hubby see's you giving maybe he'll open his mind a little bit.

S.,

Oh, my dear, I dont know how to gently say things that I think to you, without you will shut me down without hearing me out.
First of all, there is trouble in the marriage, so DONT HAVE ANOTHER BABY at this time. That is NOT AN OPTION just as you say divorce is not an option.
Sweetie, open your eyes. I realize that YOU are the only committed one in the relationship...even though you've told me little about it, I already know enough. There is lack of respect, and when he has lost THAT, he has lost the will to even TRY and love you like he should. Dont put divorce out of the question because I did, and was hit like a ton of bricks when HE filed. I had NO IDEA he would actually do it. In fact, I ruled it out and had done the counceling idea, begged, talked about problems with inlaws(always had to be at HIS parents, HIS side of the family at holidays, HIS side almost every day. And my parents were lower than secondary. First it was his parents, then all his yucky friends, then his siblings, then his fun, then me and the baby, then my parents).
It took me so long in retrospect to get clear on this.
He was having several affairs and I was so naieve. He left me and our baby daughter for a cheap, plump woman and her two toddlers(whom she had a husband too).

What I'm trying to tell you now is get wise. It hurts worse than anything I could ever imagine, but dont let him get the best of you...you have a baby to be strong for, and you KNOW you and your mom are right. He will not give in. Quite the contrary. He manipulates you and will turn on you in betrayal in a second.
Please listen to my words. I speak from very painful and health-threatening experience. Learn and grow now. You have a beautiful set of parents that wont let you down.

Wendy

You may want to try Agape International Spiritual Center in Culver City for counseling - non-religious, or Landmark Education in LA for the Forum - personal development courses. Or Celebrating Men Satisfying Women (PAX) - a course only for women to learn how to communicate with their husbands to get their needs and wants met.

Be well.

N.

S. H

I can feel for you, my ex was this way, but he always wanted his parents to keep my three children. You and your husband should seek couple counseling to get this thing settled. You are a strong woman for putting up with his reasoning, what ever that may be. Possessive husbands are common, many times they are a bit overprotective and this will cause your daughter and any other children you two have to rebel when they hit their teen age years. Counseling is the only solution I can suggest. Good luck, I hope this helps.