Husband Not the Same Man I Married

I don't believe that it will be a 'cold day in hell' when you would let your husband hit your son. He already IS hitting him and you are letting him. Slapping=hitting. sorry. And to do it for something like repeating himself???? Your poor son is probaly scared to death and that is why he is repeating himself and has any other issue that he may have. And I have news for you...this is going to get much much worse. Just wait until your son is a little older and the situations get more difficult. If you cannot change your predicament for yourself hopefully you can do it for your son. Before the damage is irreparable.

Your husband is slapping your son's arms and legs for repeating words and sentences???!!?? That is abusive.

You need to leave this jerk, and if he wants his family, he will work to change his behavior. If he doesn't, then it was a good thing you left.

Can you take your son and live with family? Can you kick husband out?

I'm sorry, you are in a terrible position, but your husband must be stopped, NOW. Your son is going to suffer a permanent emotional damage if he is allowed to remain in this toxic environment.

PLEASE do something now.

EXACTLY what Mallory said. It's going to get worse. Get out. Poor little boy.

if he slaps him ........... isn't that the same thing as hitting? that confused me. your son is flinching because he thinks your husband is going to slap (hit) him. your husband is abusive, mentally and verbally and i would say borderline physically. i'm sorry but i would leave him. you and your son deserve better than this.

Your husband is hitting your son.
Sounds like your husband could be depressed. If it were me...I would give him the opportunity to seek counseling , meds, or both. If he chooses not to, you then need to decide if if your current environment is best for you & your son.

If your husband won't go to therapy, maybe you could go by yourself? This isn't healthy.

And slapping is not good. I mean, my daughter and I will playfully slap at each other but that not what your husband is doing. Just because it's on his arms and legs and not his face doesn't mean it's not hurtful. Your son is flinching because his dad hits him when he does something that is uncontrollable. If I got slapped whenever I repeated something (I have a tenancy to say things are cold cold cold for example) I'd flinch too.

If you're miserable, eventually your son will realize it. I don't advocate for divorce, but if you don't want to be with your husband anymore, it may be better to be without him. What is better for your son to see? A dad who never listens to his mom and a mom who is miserable or a happy mom who is by herself?

Time to do some snooping. Get a hold of his phone and records, and his emails accounts and see if there's anything you don't know about. I'm speaking from experience, not the hitting part, but the "checking out emotionally" part. SIX MONTHS? That's way too long, even for a depressed man.

This man is an emotional and verbal abuser. It's time to find an attorney, get your ducks in a row, find a place to live, file for a divorce and get out.

At some point you are going to have to "get your point across" whether you are emotional or not. FIgure out how you can do that. You need to be heard. Be ready to listen too. Maybe a counselor can help you to get ready.

If he asked you what was wrong, that is good. Find a time to talk. You don't have an easy fix ahead of you, but you gotta start somewhere.

And I agree, it is very bad to hear that your son is flinching around him. Is there a women's center near you? ( I mean for battered women). They may have resources for you. My friend was in a situation similar to yours and the local women's center helped her and her son. Her situation did get worse over time, and if you can't find a way to act on your situation, it may also worsen.

You'll never succeed in changing someone. Can you live with him, exactly how he is now, for the rest of your life?

If not, time to see a lawyer and plan a separation. A therapist will benefit you afterwards.

But if all you want is to be able to beseech him into behaving better, no one here can help you.

Regardless of what you husband says, smacking a child on the arms and legs IS hitting, and I think if you let yourself think about it you know this. This is not spanking. Your husband is taking out his anger and frustration on your son. The "cold day in hell" is already here.

So you husband is constantly irritable, no longer interested in things he used to enjoy doing, not engaging in life with his own family? Your husband sounds depressed - and a depressed man acts often acts like a constantly pissed off man. He needs help. But his mental condition is no excuse for the way he is treating you, and especially not for the way he is treating your son. Your child is afraid of his own father! Why are you not already out of the house and staying somewhere else?! Please leave and do not go back until your husband has sought treatment and counseling. I don't mean until he says he will - I mean until he goes. And if he will not seek help, then you need to summon the strength to make leaving permanent.

I am not just saying this as someone who has never been there. My spouse has PTSD (and the anxiety and depression that often ride in on the same horse), and refused to acknowledge it for a long time. He became increasingly hard to live with. Everything pissed him off.

Then came the day he hit our son in anger. Once. The next day he was at the VA seeking help, and within a week they had him on meds and seeing a counselor regularly. It has taken some work and it hasn't been easy, but things are getting better.

I couldn't "fix him." He had to decide for himself to go in. All I could do was offer him a choice - seek help and keep his family, or don't seek help and lose us.

Depression? Low Testosterone (sp?) ? Stress? Thyroid issue? Affair?

It could be many things.

first off sorry you are going through this. it does seem like your husband has an anger problem. it sounds your husband is veryunhappy with his life/ have u talked to him about it? actually I see you have. Have you tried going somewhere with your son for a few days to see how he acts? You can only do so much to make the relationship better. He needs to step up too which you know

It sounds like he mentally and emotionally checked out on both of you. And I'm shocked that he hasn't touched you in 6 months, I would gather even depressed men want sex. Don't they want it all the time? You both need to talk about that. I would force him into counseling or try to end it.
Is he doing drugs?

Has he always been like this? You said his mood changed in the past year. Wondering if this is a medical issue or he has ADD himself-maybe genetic and passed on to your son.

I'm not advocating the smacking but your husband must think corporal punishment will make the child stop the behaviors. You will have to tell him to stop this or else.

I have seen some real ups and downs in my marriage too. Mine has been in a decline for a long time, but I keep hanging in there hoping it will get better. You could try marriage counseling, sending him to a doctor for a checkup, and asserting yourself. Make sure he's not having an affair. Keep us posted as to what you decide to do.

You said, "My husband has never hit me or my son & it would be a cold day in h*^* if he did & got away with it, but he does slap my son's arms & legs when he's mad at him..."

Honey, slapping your son IS HITTING HIM and that's why your son flinches. He's getting hit for no damn reason, and any movement his father makes now he's afraid he's going to be hit. He knows his father has a hair trigger temper and he's afraid.

So you have a decision to make. It's either all right with you that your husband regularly hits your son, or it isn't. You either protect your son, or you protect your husband.

First, your son doesn't think you both walk on water. Don't use that excuse, its not fair to him.

Second, I would bet your son is repeating words and sentences because of anxiety caused by his home life. Your husbands smacking him will only reinforce the fear your son has of him.

I don't mean to sound so harsh but you need a wake up call. Your family is in crisis and its time for a change. Would your husband respond to a heart to heart where boundaries and expectations are laid out on both sides? If not then you've got some serious thinking to do because noone should be living this way, least of all a 7 year old little boy. Poor thing.

Hi A.,

I skimmed some of the previous responses and agree with most of what has been stated. I may not have read deeply enough and this may have been mentioned below already. It sounds to me that he is suffering from depression. The things that stand out for me are his increased isolation, withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities, increase in drinking, the arguing and reduction in his ability to tolerate day to day stressors, taking things personally and too deeply to heart. My DH was hospitalized in 2010 for a major depression that he had been denying for more than a year. I was so busy keeping up with our son, that a great many of these symptoms were simply lost on me. He resembled a lot of what you describe and also had significant weight loss and a lot of insomnia. I just attributed it to his working too hard and us needed a break. I am sorry if this is alarming but when he became suicidal it was clear that he needed more than a simple counseling session. He was admitted to the hospital and started an Rx regime. Since then he has worked with his psychiatrist to find the right Rx treatment plan and it has been VERY successful. He functions completely normally, and you would never know that he suffered this crisis. I hope I am not projecting my history onto your situation but I thought it might shed an additional light on what you are describing as a very difficult situation. We think of his major depressive disorder no differently than we would think if he had been diagnoses with diabetes or heart disease. It is something that is part of him and we work with his doctor to manage it to benefit his health and well being. My thought would be to try to get him evaluated and at least encourage him to try some medication. It took some effort on my part to support my DH into a treatment plan but it was more than worth it to have him back and healthy for myself and for my son. I hope this helps. I will keep you and yours in my prayers. S.

This is a terrible situation for everyone. When your child flinches that means he scared and thinks he is going to get hit. That is NOT good.

Your son has problems and your husband is not handling it well. Your child cannot help some of the things that he does and having your husband hit him to stop is just making matters worse.

Serious talk is necessary with you and your husband. Just the two of you. Since he asked what was wrong, he is aware that something is going on. So, get a babysitter for your son and go out and have a frank conversation with hubby. You also need to stress counseling. Your family is going to need it to deal PROPERLY with your son. Do this now before its too late. Your son is going to think this is HIS fault with his Father.

I agree with so many of the responses you have already received. You cannot change your husband. Only he can decide to change himself. What you can change is the environment that you and your son are currently in. Either get out yourself or talk with an attorney and have your husband move out. Your son is being physically abused and you are being emotionally abused. Please wake up and remove yourselves from this environment sooner rather than later.

His statemnt has always been "I know the difference between a spanking & beating cause I've had both." the slaps on the legs have been just like a little slap, not like smacking across the face or anything. I was never spanked. We were grounded, so our discipline skills are very different. He actually asked me what was wrong the other day & conveniently our son was in there so I didn't want to get into it. Now he's on nights & I'm on days so all we do is pass each other when he gets home. It's like living with a roommate & not a spouse. I've thought about sending him a message through text, but that seems juvenile & avoiding. I'm afraid of getting emotional and not getting my point across if I do it face to face.

Put on a jacket A....sounds pretty hellish right now in your neck of the woods. I am sorry you are living this right now. It sounds so sad and depressing. I am really sorry..

Sounds like your husband has totally checked out. Yet checks in to take a swipe at your son,complain,ignore and be very rude and disrespectful.

I suggest talking to a counselor together. If he won't go then you need to go. You need to get a clear perspective on the dysfunction going on at home...and get some tools to then make a rational decisions. You are in a little denial.

Your son sounds like he has some habits and behaviors that might be draining your patience. He needs you to be strong and consistent. Your husband is not modeling good behavior that will truly help your son. Take some parenting courses together or alone.

I wish you the best..I am sorry you want to hide away at work from him and your life together rather than be excited to go home and have family time.

What your husband is doing is not normal behavior..he needs help. You both need help. I am pulling for ya!!