Husband Said He Doesn't Want to Be Married but Has No Plan?

She needs to talk to a divorce attorney and see what her rights are. In most states she can take half of any monies in joint bank accounts. She can find her own place to live and petition for child support.

If my husband said "I don't want to be married any more", changed his password and refused marriage counseling, I would take him at his word that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. While he was at work, I would get all our financial information together, make copies and visit a divorce attorney and find out what my options were. Once that was done, I would make his desires a reality.

You can't really do anything. Just listen. Chances are this could blow over. Please tell her she needs to visit her OB/GYN. If he is having an affair, she could have been exposed to an STD. She needs to protect herself and her daughter. That means physically, mentally and financially.

I agree to stay out of it.

BUT, I would tell her if it was me, what I would do.

First I would take care of myself. That means getting all the his, hers, ours financial information, bank accounts, checking accounts, credit cards, and health insurance. Copies of all of this.

Then I would consult a divorce attorney on how to kick him out, retain child custody, access funds, etc.

Then I would agree to no longer be married to him and be his roommate. He can then secure childcare when he is working, do his own laundry, cook own meals and divide all other bills. There would be no marital/care taking benefits once that was said to me.

Your friend needs a plan herself.

She needs to know if she can support herself. If not - find a lawyer and get a consultation. Together 14 years and MARRIED 14 years are 2 different things - I believe. I'm not a lawyer.

She needs to know what the assets are - make copies of CURRENT bank statements, 401K, mortgage, car payments, etc.

She needs to get a doctor's appointment set up and get tested for STDs.

if she wants her marriage to work? They BOTH have to want it. He doesn't want to be married. So he needs to pack up and leave - pay child support and alimony and let her move on. IF he wants to be married? He needs to go to marriage counseling, get tested for STDs and commit to his marriage.

He might need to see a doctor for depression or sleep problems. he shouldn't be working 7 days a week. That's not right. Even my employees/co workers who work shift have 4 on and 4 off.

Good luck!

If she cannot get the answers from him, maybe the other woman will give her answers. If she still has the other woman's number, use it.

If he was willing to put in the hard work to fix things that would be one thing, but clearly he is not. She needs to be the one to step up and tell him either they fix things or they separate, but she and the child should not be the ones to leave the house.

As for you, stay out of it, she will find her own way. If she needs to vent just listen but let her make her own choices.

She should run FAR away and FAST! He sounds like a tool and no way should she deal with him.

I'm not one to support families breaking up, but he's cheating and has no intention to stop. Her heartache will be unimaginable if she stays like this.

I would tell your friend that you are ready to be a listening friend, but please have your limits. Don't listen to her vent about her husband and trash him and complain, or get into things that are too intimate and should stay between S and A and their counselor or pastor or lawyer. Instead, tell her that her husband is her business. Tell her you won't listen to "A"-bashing. But if she's sad, if she's scared, if she's confused, you'll listen to HER feelings, HER thoughts.

And you might ask her if she's taking some basic steps to protect herself and her child as others have suggested. If she seems to have no idea where to begin, or if she seems to be doing something foolish, suggest some of the wise steps that others have posted.

Otherwise, just make yourself available, for taking care of her daughter while she goes to the bank or the attorney, or for taking her out for lunch, or checking in on her.

So she thinks hubby is having an affair and knows he doesn't want to be married any more - or is that where the confusion is? That she's not sure what he's having or if he just said that but wasn't serious?

If I was you, I'd stay out of it for now. Sometimes couples fight and this kind of thing gets resolved, and the less you're involved the better. You could give advice and she might not take it or they could work things out - then it's just awkward.

The only thing I would say is that you're here to listen should she want to talk, and suggest a therapist might be able to guide her on steps to take when she knows what she'd like to do.

Surely she's seen enough that she no longer needs to snoop. She knows he's had at least one affair and the phone calls indicate he's having one now. And....he doesn't want to be married and he's continuing to live there. He gets his laundry done, has a place to live in a home. Someone to cook and clean for him. I'm guessing he has very little responsibility. He can see the kids when he wants. Is he still getting marital priveleges. Does she want to live like this, continue to let him take advantage of her?

Snooping reduces our emotional energy and side tracks us from making a decision. If she's snooping suggest she stop. Make a decision. Her husband is not going to change. If he loves her at all, he would not be doing this.

I suggest she do all the things listed in other posts, even if she hasn't decided to leave the marriage, to protect herself and her children. She needs this information even if they stay married.

I also suggest telling him to move out within the week. He has no reason to move out now. For me, waiting for someone else to make a decision and take action is close to unbearable. I suggest telling him to move out will help her feel more in control, able to figure out what she wants. Why does she think he has to take the first step? Well, actually he's taken the first step when he said he didn't want to be married. The next step is hers to make.

I agree that you need to stay out of it unless she asks for your advice. Even then, don't listen to her complain about her husband. Be empathic. Listen to how she feels about herself and her decisions. Consider that she may choose to continue this way. If you become the one to which she bitches, it will affect your friendship. Also,.I suggest when we get caught up in bitching, we can avoid making a decision.

I would encourage her to get counseling to help her deal with herself so she can make a decision.

Sounds to me like he wants to continue having the affair without his wife bothering him. If he would have wanted to leave, he would have left already. Seems like he is just playing the field and seeing where it takes him before he makes an actual marriage decision. I agree with the other ladies on this post- get her financial info and all her budgeting/planning in order and get a consultation from a reputable divorce attorney. It's not about what HE wants, it is about what your Friend wants and what is best for their kids!!

She doesn't need to snoop any more because she already knows the answer. Its not up to him to say they will figure it out because she's vested in their marriage too. She should sit down and figure out what she wants either with or without him and then take steps to make sure she and the children are in a healthy happy place. She should think about counseling without him if she needs help sorting out her feelings.

On the flip side he's probably confused. He's not getting a lot of attention from his wife and look here ... there's this woman who thinks he's wonderful, funny, exciting, great. Of course she is only seeing the part of him he wants her so see. There's no bills to pay, children to care for, pressures of everyday life in their relationship. Its not to excuse his behavior because a married guy shouldn't be calling and texting a female ex coworker but if she sees what he's getting from this other relationship it might help her decide what her next step will be.

Make her a copy of this thread. Tell her to read all the answers. I hope that she takes the advice. It will be oh so important for her to get all her ducks in a row, see a divorce lawyer, do what he or she says, and put together her own plan.

She should do this before telling him to leave. And just because she tells him to leave doesn't mean that he will...

A lawyer will be very important...