I Feel Blah

I read your post yesterday and again today, and the responses that went with it, and I'm somewhat surprised that so many people feel "the same way". To me, that is very sad. I'm in my late 30's and very happily married (5yrs) w/ 3 young children. It is not always easy, and we don't always agree, but we respect one another and want to work out disagreements, so I guess I am very lucky. People in today's society are too quick to say, if it doesn't work, let it go...and I aplaud you for trying to come up with alternatives, such as "dating" , which is a great idea. If you can afford it, have a weekly date night or even monthly. In addition, once a week, put the kids to bed and eat a late dinner (just the two of you), then maybe play a board game, sit and talk w/ a glass of wine, or watch a movie and hold hands. Try to bring back the romance. Yo ucan also join the gym together, if he's willing. The YMCA is inexpensive and they have good facilities also. These are just some ideas.
Also, I think it IS all about you being a mom. And as a responsible, good mom it is your job to show your children (along w/ your husband) how to have good and healthy relationships. They need to see their parents respecting one another and loving eachother, to learn how to do that themselves. Children learn by example, as you know. It is not hea;thy for them to see you fighting and it puts one or both of you in a bad light. Children aren't cabable of understanding adult issues and it coudl cause them to pick sides when they see conflict.
Additionally, you could get the entire family involved in weekend (or after school) family activities such as frisbee in the park or some other simple activity. These things will bring you closer together as a family and couple.
I hope this has been somewhat useful to you. Good luck!

I know exactly how you feel, I was there myself about five to seven years ago...One thing you said struck me "getting separated so you guys could date and remind each other of why you got together in the first place...Why can't you date now? You don't have to be single/separated to date. You can go out on dates while you're married. Especially when you have kids, it's so easy to get wrapped up in them and make them number one. Our guys need to know that they are number one, because when the kids are gone, it'll just be you and hubby. You want to invest in that now, make him a priority. Okay, he's gained weight - we're not perfect. Ask God to help you see him the way He sees him...And also, look for the good in him and focus on that. It's so easy to see their faults and where they are "lacking". But it's so hard to encourage them when we do that...
I would also encourage counseling. My friend, God has done an incredible work in my marriage, and the few words I can tell you here would not do justice to what I feel really saved my marriage. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I really do understand what you're going through, I think most if not all marriages go through this. Fight the good fight my friend, don't give up. Ask God to help you see what you need to do, and then when He shows you - do it!

Hope that helps, bless you my friend...I'll be praying for you!

: ) Becky

I feel odd giving someone older than me relationship advice, but I like to offer a different veiw point, so here it goes....

It's a hard situation to be in, but here's my advice/opinion: Make up YOUR mind. (yes i know, easier said than done.) What i mean is you either need to be all in or out. Either devote yourself to fixing your marriage, or get out of it all together. Half in half out is only going to hurt you more.

And, on another note, you said you are ALL about being a mom, and i think that is great, but you are MORE than a mom. You are a woman, and (at least for the time being), a wife. Don't forget to split the time amongst the three or you will have more trouble.

There's alot of great advise here...
I have felt the exact same way at times (this is one of those times now for me) but a little different. My husband looses weight and muscle (never gains).. I feel like there's no time anymore for anything, stressed constantly about money, barely anytime to do "me" things, just plain old miss my "old" life sometimes,and not in the mood for sex ever...
I know by talking to alot of my friends, that women sometimes think they like/want change BUT in all reality when we actually get that change, it's not what we thought it was going to be... We always think the grass is greener on the other side ( which in some small cases, maybe).. We all want that buff, beautiful, perky, wealthy, generous, kind guy. BUT there is no such thing as the "perfect" person...
Whenever I start to get into my "funk" I rent the Notebook. That might sound stupid but I believe if you have that man in the movie then you should stay where your at and work it out... I know for me, my husband is the most AMAZING person and I know he would do ANYTHING in his power for me and that's why I need to realize myself the grass is not greener on the other side...
Good luck!!! And realize your not alone in the "blah" feeling...

Hi M.,

I can relate to what you are going through. I have been feeling the same way with my husband for years! What saves me is when he is gone out of town for a week (sometimes 2 weeks) for work and he does it regularly, I feel better when he is gone, it's like getting a break from him, but then at the end of the week, I look forward to him coming home because the children miss him and I do get tire of being the only parent!

If you want to talk please feel free to give me a call. I know it is very important to be able to talk about our feelings and get the support we need to go through this!

I am a mother of 2 boys and also in my 40's.

Take care,
V.
###-###-####.

I guess all I can say is that after so many years of marriage it becomes a partnership and a frienship more than anything. I don't care what anyone says, after so many years of marriage you never really get that excitement back until the kids are grown and your life becomes yours again. It seems like you two love each other and this seems to be a phase that you both have to be strong and remember what is truly important. I am the first to say staying in a relationship for the kids sake is not smart but this doesn't seem to me to be the case. I say try to make it work somehow, find other couples who are going thru this and you will see it happens all the time and you aren't alone and that it gets better with time.

If he woun't go to couseling, maybe you two should separate for a while, maybe your husband can move out...and start dating each other...or you pick a counselor and Make it clear to him, either we go to counseling or we separate...either way, you may start feeling better about yourself. About your children, sticking it out for their sake and you being miserable, does not work. My husband had been miserable with his ex-wife since the time his youngest was 3, and stuck it out for their sake, and it ended up doing more harm than good. By the time his youngest was 10, is when him and his ex slip up, and not on very good terms. Kids pick up and understand more than what we give them credit for. Just assure them that just because things bettween mommie and daddy have changed, your love for them will not. Best Wishes...

G.

Wow it is long!! but I know what you saying and I relate to some of your comments I'm going throught a similar situation
now that my husband recently left I just stay busy,but if you notice that you are happier when you guys are not together then I think you know what to do,sometimes being together is doen't mean you guys will would be happy. I just realise that 5 days ago.......good luck and stay busy....

When I read your post, and the responses that followed, I felt very sad. In life there are SO many relationships, from family members to friends to co workers, ect. Your spouse is the stable one. Through thick and thin. It's you against the world, not each other. If there's anything worth fighting for in life it's family. I have been with my husband for 11 years (since I was 16) and I feel the same attachment/bond/love for him that I do my kids and my mother and my siblings. I still get butterflies and the you-know-what- is still a daily occurance. But it does take a lot of maintaince. Everyday. There are compromises both ways. I do little things like serve his dinner to him, even though he could serve himself, because that's something from his culture. He babysits the (3) kids so I can go to college (I droppped out of school when I was pregnant w/our first). Everyday there is a comprimise. An understanding. You need to talk, really talk. What are you both missing or wanting? Once you figure that out, decide what YOU are going to do to make HIM happy? If you can't figure it out on your own, get a counselor. It can't be your fault, if it doesn't work, but you have to try. And I hate to be the to point this out, but, if a man made the comment about not being sexually attracted to his wife because she gained weight, it would not be acceptable. If you address the wieght issue, it needs to be done with sensitivity.
I wish you, and others in your situation, luck. I hope you can find what some of us are fortunate enough to have, with the man you have already grown to love.

Well, you are not alone out there. When I read your comment, I felt like you were taking the words right out of my mouth. Ecept for the fact that my husband was a skinny guy when we met and not big back then. Hes packin the beer gut now, though. I have decided to move out with my daughter, which is hard b/c I have never made it on my own before. We met in high school and when I graduated he moved us out, etc. I feel better when we are not togethar as well. Its weird to hear your thoughts b/c those are mine, too. Good luck, let me know if ya wanna talk.

I believe you are choosing to fall out of love with your husband. If you start searching for the good in him, you will find it. Try some counseling together. Try a date once per week. If you end up getting divorced, not only is it hard on your children, but it is never a solution. You will find a new guy and probably end up marrying him. You will then find the same pattern with him. In 10 - 11 years from now you will be writing the same things about him. Your problems will be more complicated because your first husband will still be in the picture and be visiting your children. Your 2nd husband may or may not have children and an ex - wife to think about too. You will be much happier in the long run if you search to #1 fall in love with your husband all over again. Tell him that you want to do that. Plan some time for just the two of you. Have fun together. Is it possible that you don't even really know him any more. Join Weight Watchers together, that may be what he needs to lose the weight.

M.,
I understand how you feel. I have felt the same way. I was ready to leave my husband. I actually told him I thought it was over.
But we decided to date for a year.
Act like you just met him and go out on dates. Get to know eachother again. Really listen to eachother. I bet you learn that both of you have changed alot since you married.
I know you feel better about yourself and you should. If you show him some attention he may want to shape up alos.
It's worth a try.
I had a friend who left her husband and realized it was a mistake but he had already fallen for someone else.Then its too late.

Hello M. ,

We all have our days that we feel blah , BUT BUT we shoud not feel like that all the times .( I'm 32, I have my blah days too) I have been with my husband for 10 years as well , I have two boys ( 6 year old & 18 Months ) !!! Through out the years we all change physically & emotionally you gain and lose weight ( especially through pregnancy ) One of the IMPORTANT part in a relationship is the communication & Respect once that is gone , I think everything is gone !!! You said that You only feel happy around your Kids & Friends , not really around your husband !! You need to open up to him and let him know how you feel , You most , I had one of thosse heart to heart talk with my husband , and to tell you the truth I feel much bettter ( I did not have the problems you have with your husband) !!! Yes I don't feel as Sexy at times, but he tells me how much he loves me . If you are not Happy with your husband , well you need to find your happiness . You need to feel Happy, content . Don't just let life pass you by . Life is short and you most find your happines whereever it might be , I adore My boys & Husband and remember is not all of been a MOM they will grow-up and they will live there own life , and then what about you . Have you ever thought about it that way ? Yes we most be there for our kids , I don't dispute that we most spend time and give them lots of love . If we are not Happy they are not , they sense that . I hope my suggestions help you. Wish you luck !!!!!!

Best Wishes,
~ A.

I sent you a personal message but I was just thinking about this topic since there are so many mothers going through this same issue. I recommend the Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil and there are some great articles on his site. Here is one I copied for you and anyone else that might need it...

Here is a really good article from the Dr. Phil website:

Calling It Quits

Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until 1) you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, and 2) you have no unfinished emotional business.

Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.

You need to ask yourself:

What was your marriage like when it worked?

When did it go wrong? Why?

Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage over?

What do you want?

What is it costing you to be in your relationship?

Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?

What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

Divorce Readiness Test:

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."

Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.

Ask yourself:

Are you still in love with your spouse?
Are you hurt?
Are you scared?
Are you angry?
Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.

I highly recommend visiting the site and following up with some more articles under the relationship section. There are some really great article and resources there for free. It was very helpful to me!

Hi M.,

First, none of this is all your fault!
I'm 45, and so is my husband. After four kids, I am still in good shape. My husband is heavier than he has ever been, though not obese. He complains about his weight and has cut out a thing or two, but obviously, needs to do a lot more! Sex is still pretty fun for us, but with him so much heavier than me (I'm petite and only 125 pounds to his 210) we've had to be creative. When we went through a really rough patch aome years ago, we had just 2 kids. Get a good counselor. If she says to split up, get a different one. We'll be married 18 years this October. Communication is a big problem for most couples. Arguements about money and other things are a symptom of bigger issues. You aren't happy with his appearance! Tell him that it doesn't turn you on. Okay, so he isn't Johnny Depp! LOL. You love the man, but not the body he inhabits! It seems that we wives cannot make our husbands diet. Does he have a good friend that might help motivate him? It's Summer, so can you plan family outings to the beach? Nothing like getting into a bathing suit to get a man to realize he's fat! Go on walks together, with the kids to start. Think about what he liked to do before the fat. He gets home and is tired, like mine is, and sits in front of the computer (no calories burned!). A date is a great idea, and little cards to each other sometimes can say what we are trying to say (either the paper ones or the e-cards), to do things that you did when you used to date each other. It sounds like aren't ready to give up. That's good. One thing I've learned is that when we change ourselves, we change those around us. If you find a way to be happy, that will rub off on him. He will treat you better. How to get Happy? Do things you like. Make yourself feel better inside. I know that sounds a bit crazy, but that's what I did. Our marriage is more solid than ever. I am treated better though not perfect! No man wants be around a complaining woman. Yes, it's hard and I have to remind myself to stop. There are better ways to communicate! Good luck! I'm pulling for you. How ever it turns out, you have the support of all the women here.

WOW, my thoughts exactly. I have no real advice. Only that I have been feeling EXACTLY the same, and we've only been married not quite two years, but your not alone. I have no excitement for him anymore at all. We do have a lot of stressors, my kids, lack of $$, we've both been laid off this past year. It's tough, but we both say we're in it for good. I find it much easier, to just do my own thing. I hang out with my friends, run around with the kids, go to work. We're totally like roommates, we even have our own separate money. I love him so much, I just wish I could find something to be excited about. I really think life just becomes overwhelming for us women. The men, all they think they really have to do is go to work, and that's it. While we're left to carry all the stress, all the burden of every day life and issues. My husband says that "You'd be lucky to find another husband as good as me"... he thinks b/c he doesn't beat me, or run around on me, that that's good enough. Well, it sure doesn't feel good enough. I'm sooooo unappreciated. I'm expected to work, to take care of myself and MY 3 kids, clean the house, cook, bathe the kids, laundry, mow the yard, take out the garbage, pay the bills. EVERYTHING. And when I ask for help???? "I'm tired", is the reply...and then ... "why are you so mad all the time?"... So, I've quit being mad... and started worryin about exactly that... ME and MY KIDS... I think that's all we really can do. Good Luck to all of us.