I Feel So Guilty for Feeling This Way

Don't feel guilty at all! We need to find each other attractive. Does he go to the dr's regularly? He really should, maybe he has a health problem that you don't know about. Does obesity run in his family? How about diabetes? Could be anything, thyroid too. Heart disease runs in my husbands family. His sister died at the age of 48, heart attack. His brother had major blockage, 4 heart arteries blocked, had to have bypass, age 56. Two other siblings have heart issues. All older than him. But he goes to the extreme! He exercises every freakin day, it drives me nuts! He used to get on me for not working out, so we tried to do it together but he gets on my nerves so I have to go it alone. Maybe the two of you can try something together? Walking, bicycling, tennis......something just to get the body moving. And them fast food places I swear the more you have it the more you want it. Wonder if they put something in the food to get you addicted....hhhmmmm???
So get him off to the dr's for that physical!

First off, you are NOT a bad person. If you genuinely feel this way, then there's nothing you can do to change it. You can't make yourself look at him differently, and you can't force yourself to feel attraction when you don't.

I honestly don't know what words you can use to tell your husband what you're feeling. There's very little that any of us is as sensitive about as we are our bodies and our attractiveness to our partners. I don't know if there is a way to tell someone they are unattractive that won't hurt. If you are fighting about it, then you are telling him something, and if it's not how you truly feel, then you are lying to him. That never helps. He can't fix a problem if he doesn't know what's broken.

When you do broach the topic of his weight, keep focused on good health. Talk to him about being worried about him, worried about the effects of diabetes or heart disease on his future, and on your kids. 60 lbs in five years is a lot. Has he had a physical? He should probably talk to his doctor about the weight gain, and see if there's anything going on with his thyroid or his blood sugar that would account for the gain.

Let's be honest, going to the gym stinks. Can you work a walk after dinner with the kids into your routine a few nights a week? Is it within your financial means to get a treadmill or an eilliptical for the house? Would he have more interest in playing a sport like racketball or taking martial arts classes for exercise than he is in the gym? Maybe you could trade something off with him for gym time. Like if he goes, you'll give the kids a bath and put them to bed, so that you two can do something together when he gets back. Do you two have a date night? If you do, then aim for more physical activities, like dancing or golf, instead of eating out. What about a challenge to him, like a race. Whoever loses more weight by a certain date gets to pick a weekend getaway wherever they want. Even if you lose, you still win!

Trying to work a healthy eating pattern and more activity into your regular lives will help you out, and will also help him achieve the goal, so that once you do go through with explaining to him what you need him to do, he can succeed. About the only thing worse than being told that your partner doesn't find you attractive would be finding yourself unable to do anything about it.

Dear C.,
This response is so difficult for me to write as I was the fat chick post pregnancy. My husband wasn't atracted to me and I did everything I knew how to do to make him feel special, loved and wanted. But, despite the wonderful way I treated him, he didn't want me. I got to feel so awful about the way I felt about myself and not having love (nor intimacy) in my life that I filed for divorce. I found love again with men who thought that I was really atractive despite the weight. Frankly, I think you should try and focus your eyes on his positive physical atributes rather than risk your marriage on shallow appearances. Having said that, it would have helped me to have real support. I would recommend that stock the fridge with healthy foods, don't just push him to the gym (but hire a sitter and go with him!). Put the kids to bed and go for walks or hikes together. Get moving with him! Get thinking about low cal/healthy foods with him! Tell him that next time he wants a pizza, you bought him Healthy Choice/Weight Watchers to satisfy that craving and he can just pop it in the microwave (saving 1000's of calories). Don't make his weight loss entirely his problem. Exercise together and make cheats easier than hitting the pizzeria, McDonalds or Dairy Queen. I wish you well!

I feel like I just wrote this myself. I LOVE my husband with my whole heart, soul, mind. But I find that I'm no longer physically attracted to him. He's always been a large man...but now things are really getting out of control. I'm afraid he's going to have a heart attack, but he refuses to listen to me. We also are arguing about sex (and my lack of desire)...and now he is accusing me of having an affair! I would never cheat on him, so of course that makes me even more angry. I don't really have any advice for you (sorry!) but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Oh...and just one more thing...I think part of the reason I'm not finding him attractive isn't even the extra weight but more that he just doesn't seem to care anymore. I have told him that he needs to be healthy for his family, that his boys need him. And he just snorts in derision. I'm at a loss. I know that only he can make the decision to be healthy, but he won't even go for a walk with us. He'd rather sit in front of the TV and snack. sigh. I love him too much to watch him to do this to himself but am tired of arguing. I'm sorry that you're going through this too :(

First of all you should have lost your weigth and or maintained it for your own benefit not for your husband or a certain profile. to me it sounds like you are not in love with your husband. If you were in love with him, you wouldnt mind him gaining weight and would be able to communicate freely with him about anything. making love takes different forms and you two need to rekindle that love. Love changes too, so it may not be the same way it was before but nonetheless it will be heartfelt love. He has stayed by you and loved you unconditionally. I think you should do the same. You also need to work on not being so vain.

All I can say is put yourself in his shoes or make the situation reverse, then you will be able to understand him better. You pushing him to the gym isn't helping, because he's not doing it for hisself. Good luck with this situation.

Hi C., some advice. I will be honest with you, while attraction in a marriage is so important, and intimacy is the key as well as trust and respect, we as women struggle so much to look good for our signifigant others, esp. after baby, our self image is so low. Maybe hubby is feeling the same way. It sounds like you love him alot, focus on how much healthier, encourage him, and you might see a difference. Don't tell him the attraction level has diminished, just focus on how much healthier he will feel. Bolster his confidence, try that. But if he is comfortable with how he looks, you try to be too. Best to you, D.

hate 2 be the bad news bear here BUT you are being vain..cause know whats most likely gonna happen be4 long is your man will cheat..i've seen too many marriages break up because the women stop giving love to their men..You say his face is getting fat is it puffy also?? could be a medical cause..my hubby is on meds that a side effect is weight gain..we have been together 9 yrs neither one of us look the same as meet.. we do walk at least 1 mile everyday.Just curious what you would be feeling if he ever got in an accident & got some scaring..attraction is way more than phyical for me..2 lunches whats in them? to be considered 2..idk i guess i feel more basly for him in this case than you...just my 2 cents here

I would use the health scare tactic with him. Dr. Mehmet Oz just came out with a book, as well as a special on Discovery Health Channel about the dangers of belly fat, as well as the dangers of processed food. It's very interesting. He talks about how if your close to 40 years old and are over weight by more than a certain amount, you have the same chance of dying from heart disease as you do of dying if you had cancer. I would get the book, or make him watch the special.

My hubby and I are on the diet (it's not that hard, lots of fruits and veggies and whole grains).

I wouldn't use the "your unattractive" approach. He'll probably call you shallow, get pissed and be on the defensive. But trust me, I understand where you're coming from. Good luck.

hey C., really don't feel awful. i'm in the same situation as you.when me and my other half first met he was trim and looked great.now after being married for almost 9 years i'm kind of getting tired of his weight going up and down. and the constant complaining about.he tries and goes to the gym, but like your husband he also makes excuses.either the weather is to bad. there isn't any time.i also want to be intimate , but just like you i can't fake being attracted to someone.so unless they shape up i guess they just won't be getting any for awhile.sorry if this didn't help. but you are not alone.thank you

First, I don't think you should be feeling guilty for feeling this way. I don't care what anyone says, most people, both men and women, are sure to feel the same way you do if their spouse has gained a tremendous amount of weight. Here's my story and how I feel: When I met my husband, he was 160lbs. and I was 118. We got married and I got pregnant. Before I got pregnant though, I'd gradually started gaining weight. Just 7 months after we met, I was already up to 137lbs. When i got pregnant, I went up to 206. After my daughter was born, I got myself down to 175 and found myself pregnant again. I strived to work hard during my pregnancy and even now, where my son is 7 weeks old, and I am down to 170. My husband doesn't like to make love to me. He doesn't tell me why or give me any sign that he isn't attracted to me, but being the woman, I'm automatically self concious and figure, the weight I put on, though striving to take it off, is what's made me unattractive to him. If I were your husband, I'd simply want to be told, "Hun, I love you and I want to be with you, but I can't see myself being intimate with you until you take off some weight. It simply turns me off." Perhaps that's too blunt, but maybe that's what he needs. I know that if my husband told me that, I'd try triple hard to get off my weight. I'm sure he loves you as much as you love him. I hope things work out for you!

Well C., I know the feeling I have been with my daughter's father for 10 yrs on and off we've known each other for 15. When we first started dating he had the nicest shoulders and back and his face was so chiseled, but over the years he has packed on about 40-50lbs I mean he still looks like himself just heavier. I guess you could say I'm not as attracted to him as I use to be but I don't bring up the whole weight issue b/c I know it will just make matters worse so I believe that when he is ready he will bring up the subject of wanting to go to the gym and I will fully support him and even join with him although I'm small I can still use some toning. Well, maybe you can bring up maybe having him take a run or walk with you and the kids. Or maybe even just be honest with him, tell him how hot he use to make you when he was lighter and maybe that will encourage him to lose the weight, but also tell him he doesn't have to do it by himself you'll do it with him and as a reward have an intimate night alone with him and do something for him that he enjoys to encourage him to workout even more. Almost like using the potty-training reward system. Good Luck I hope I have helped in some way.

Are you sure that your hormones arn't just getting in the way??? I have a 4 month old, and 21 month old, and I have had a problem with not wanting it. My husband did not have a weight gain,but I did have a problem with being attracted, but I have overcome that now. Plus with having 2 small kids it is hard to find the time and energy to have romance in the bedroom. Anyways...I was told that it was probably my hormones. I have heard that to be a common thing after having a baby. Maybe you just need a little time, and to focus on the positive things. Try to plan a certain night once or twice a month for some alone time. As for the weight thing, maybe you should just be more supportive to your husband. Loose the weight with him, since you still arn't at your pre-baby weight(assuming you want to reach it, I know I do)Join weight watchers together. Thats whats working for me, I am only 8 pounds away from pre-baby weight. Plus that would be something the two of you could do together once a week, and it would also make it easier if you both do it. Also, as far as lunch goes, make sure he always brings his lunch, then he won't go to the junk food places. I don't know if I was able to help or not, but best of luck!!