I Have a Right to Be Mad but They Make Me Question My Sanity

I’m sure you realize this is a character issue. Lying and cheating are character flaws. To expect him to come clean is polar opposite of his character and you probably have a better chance of winning the lottery than that ever happening. He would have to accept responsibility for his behavior.

The more pressing issue at hand is how much He is still affecting you. I know betrayal is a very hard thing to deal with. I encourage you to seek help to process all of it. You’re carrying a lot of junk and you’re going to be involved to some degree with him for a long time because of two children you have together.

Carrying this hostility isn’t good. Sometimes you have to forgive people when they don’t ask for it or deserve it so you can move on. Please consider the toll this is taking on you and your kids.

I'm glad you wrote your SWH. And I get why you care. My ex cheated on me for the first several years of our marriage. I found out, we went through hell working through that, etc. Then I found out years later that he had also cheated on me with my SD's mother during that same time period but didn't tell me. At that point the cheating was years in the past but it was a fresh, new hurt for me. We're split up now but I imagine if that if I found out about another horrible betrayal - especially with a sibling!! - that it would open that wound right back up.

That said...he has you where he wants you, which is still going crazy reacting to his bad behavior. He's a fundamentally bad guy and not worthy of your emotions. It's OK to be upset, but don't put any hope in ever getting a satisfactory response from him. He's not capable or willing to give that to you, so stop looking for it from him.

I wish you the best as you move forward in your healing - even post-divorce, this kind of thing can really, really hurt. Share your hurt with your closest girlfriends and your therapist to process the grief so that you can move on. Don't involve him in it.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. (not my quote)

He's a terrible person--he's not going to admit it or apologize. You need to accept the apology you're never going to get and move on. You're losing sleep over it, not him!

As for your sister...why did she suddenly come clean? She sounds like she was bragging or stirring the pot...she should have taken that to the grave...IMO.

It seems to me that you're expecting him to have changed - so no, you're not crazy (I'm not fond of that term), but you're expecting him to have changed, which is kind of ... unrealistic.

So I would say you are being unrealistic. Not crazy.

Just remember, you're the one who has it all. Three beautiful kids, a happy marriage, and your integrity. You're a good person. You didn't betray your husband or sister.

Just stop contacting them about this. Step away from the phone or hand it to your husband if you feel the urge to contact them when you are upset.

Best to you.

It's a shock finding stuff like this out anytime let alone way after the fact.
You need to take some time to digest it.

I'd have to question why your sister felt the need to tell you now about this.
It wasn't kind - and it speaks volumes about how much you can trust your sister.
And I might really think about taking a break from her for quite awhile.

It's like - thank you very much - you've just informed me my former life is a Jerry Springfield show and I'm not appreciating finding out about it.

Your ex is an ex for a reason.
He wasn't faithful to you - several times over.
So with a track record like that - I pity his latest wife and she's welcome to him.

I think that we all have moments where we get irrationally angry and demand things that...in the end will serve no purpose.
You divorced him because he's slimy. You remarried, hopefully someone wonderful. Your sister and your ex did something pretty sh!tty a long time ago. He may NEVER admit it and you have to be ok with that.
It's easier said then done..but you have to stop thinking about it and stop demanding an apology or that he admits it. You will get no satisfaction from it, I guarantee you.

You deserve to hear it, but you can not force him to admit it.
We can not control the behaviors of other people.
Let this go because he does not have to admit it, you can not force it, even if it is the right thing.
Only talk to him about the kids, nothing else. Even though this is a huge betrayal you have to let it go, your relationship is already over so just accept that as closure as far as your ex goes.
As for your sister, that is such a huge betrayal, her I don't think I could forgive, so that is incredibly generous and kind of you if you have been able to forgive her, way to go.

Well, I can understand why you are mad. And no one can or should question your sanity for being angry.

However, I do wonder why you sudden think that a lifelong liar will be compelled to tell the truth. Is it the right thing to do? Yes, but again, does he have a history of doing the right thing? It sounds like the answer is no. Do you deserve to hear him admit it? Yes, but I'm sure you deserved a lot of things from him during your marriage that you didn't get (fidelity for one). You couldn't compel him then, and you can't now.

For your own peace of mind, you need to find a way to move on from this. You don't have to forgive him (or her) and I know you won't forget, but holding onto anger every day is only hurting you, not him. If you can't find a way to move past this on your own, find a therapist to help you handle with your anger.

So, 2 people betrayed you in the past. One of them decided to tell you after 10 years (what did she hope to gain?), and the other has a long history of cheating on you with someone else that you knew about. You want what kind of satisfaction from them? He has shown you who he is but you want him to be different?

You have to get past what you "deserve" from a terrible person. If you have a good marriage and a new baby as well as shared custody of 2 more children, you need to take care of yourself to be a model, calm parent with good sense to rise above other people's nonsense.

Yes it would be nice if he admitted it. Then again, maybe your sister is lying to either stir up trouble or get you to stop obsessing about your ex. I don't know. I DO know you have to coparent with him, so your conversations should ONLY relate to the children, there should be no texts about the past, and his wife should stay out of it. You can't make people do the right thing in your mind. You can only control your own reactions. Whether they think you are crazy is immaterial. Work with an objective and neutral counselor to deal with your understandable anger, and stop expecting others to step up to the plate just because you "deserve" it. Your husband, your 3 children, and you will be the only ones who suffer.

you may have a right to be crazy, you may 'deserve' the truth, you may feel he needs to be held accountable for this decade old sin, but the fact is that you are going to let your old relationship ruin your new one if you don't get a grip.

he's your ex. flipping out on him for lies he told then and now, for betrayals that are long in the past, and feeling as if you are entitled to some sort of comeuppance is not mentally or emotionally healthy.

you divorced him for a reason, right? when you did you took a great step to better yourself, and you also cut yourself off from making emotional demands on him.

you absolutely need to figure out how to handle your relationship with your sister, but your relationship with your ex should involve no more than logistics to do with the kids.

your kids with him and your new baby and your new husband are all standing in the shade of your rage and focus on your ex.

very flattering for him, of course.

but you need help in letting this go.

forcing him to admit will do what, exactly, to better your current circumstances?

cut your clearly huge emotional tie with him and move on.
khairete
S.

You are going to ruin your current marriage because of the baggage of your past. Let this go.

You say you've moved on, your actions and words say you haven't. You "demand" to know the truth. WHY? What purpose will it serve? You already know he's a douche bag. That's why you divorced him, right?

Your sister? Well, she's a special kind of wow. She told you because she knows how to upset you and push your buttons. She wanted to clear her conscience, she should have gone to her priest/rabbi/pastor to clear it.

Yes, you say it's "news" to you. SO what? He was a cheater. Now you know your sister isn't much better. The truth isn't going to change anything RIGHT NOW. It's only going to keep you from being happy where you are now. Stop letting the past get in the way of your here and now and future. Let this go.

Let HIM go. You haven't. Because you are allowing "old news" to be a cornerstone in your life. STOP THE MADNESS!!! LET IT GO!!! You aren't helping ANYONE here. Not even yourself with your demands to know the truth. You already know it, right? so let it go. He's not worth it.

I would stop this now. Your sister has no reason to stir up trouble? Then believe her and accept he's covering his A** so his new wife will still believe him when he tells her you're crazy and he's soooo much better off with her. So she'll believe him and not you.

Of course he's going to deny it. He wants his new life.

I would calm down and let it go as much as possible. I'd also be pissed at my sister. She should have known better than to sleep with her sister's husband. That's a low blow in my opinion.

I just read your SWH. Good for you.

Remember, you are letting go of this for you, not for them. Your are telling yourself that you are not going to let them have that kind of power over you. Holding onto this would only give them more power over you, and you are better than that. You deserve better than that.

They no longer have power over you. You are too good for this nonsense. You have a good life, and you are not going to let their betrayal drag you down.

You are so far above this childishness. You go girl!

How much is his new wife brainwashed from him!!!

I can not imaging to be married with a guy and come to find out he had been involved with his ex-SIL. I would probably start a savings account to be prepared in case he gets back into his habit to have affairs.

However, you are not crazy!!!
Believe me, if he had a pattern of being unfaithful his now wife will go eventually through the same pain as you did. You at least moved on and started a new family.

Are you not upset with your sister? I think this would give me a bigger headache...

But if you look deeper into him saying it did not happen!!! Well, you must understand that he frankly can not say YES because that would cause him trouble with his new wife. At this point he is mad at you that you planted the seed into his new relationship that he is a jerk.

Sorry that you are going through this. Redirect your negative thoughts and see that you moved forward and created a new family that deserves you!

drop it and move on. focus on your current marriage.
my ex cheated. several years after i married my current hubby someone tried to stir the pot by telling me about another lover my ex had. but since i had a husband i let it go. whats another lover added to the tally. its been long enough. don't ruin things further by dwelling on this

I'm glad you wrote your SWH, too.

They say that forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior, but it prevents it from destroying your own heart.

You know what the truth is, but you won't hear it from the person who cheated and lied. You're not crazy, but you're letting your ex husband's actions poison your home and your new family and your life. Don't let that happen.

You will get justice. It will come in the form of having a happy marriage, a peaceful home, a loving husband, a beautiful baby, and a heart full of mercy and grace. There's no better life!

Look, you are absolutely correct that you have a right to be mad. But you aren't going to get what you want, him admitting to you that he did it. He won't admit it because it will make his new wife distrust him. She is calling you crazy because SHE doesn't want to believe that he would do it. If she has to admit it, then she has to realize that he may step out on her in a similar betrayal. And whether you like it or not, he is right to not admit it to her because it will make his current marriage miserable. He doesn't have to do it, and he isn't going to. He isn't married to you anymore and doesn't owe it to you, no matter how you look at it.

You probably cannot help obsessing over this (and that IS what you are doing.) What you should do is go get some counseling. Talk to your doctor and get some help. And stop talking to your sister about this.