I Think I Am Going Crazy!

J.,

I am not going to give you any advice, because I am kind of going through the same thing. I work full time. My husband is taking care of our 18 mo, not by my choice, his. I pay for everything. He does ocassionaly do laundry, vacuum, and do the dishes. He does all of the cooking. But the house is a mess. I have been considering leaving (more kicking him out if I'm paying the morgtage) since our daughter was born. She loves him dearly & he love her.

I have tried marital counseling. He won't go or doesn't like the counselor. He was to pick one & hasn't. So as soon as I get the funds for the retainer, he may have a rude awaking with divorce papers.

Friends of mine say in reagards to the house to lower your expectation.

Do you think you can hold out until you get your degree? See if you can work in counseling into your busy schedule. Either by yourself or with him.

Before you do anything drastic have all of you ducks in a row. Good luck!

Hi J.;

Let me first start by saying that communication is key. I know that sounds cliche', but it's all too true. Before you decide to leave him, and seperate your daughter from her father, you need to talk to him. Men have a hard time facing responsibility, but you have to be the one to push him to understand the importance of being a husband and father, while still allowing him to be his self, but also let him know what can happen if he can't grow up. He loves his daughter, but let him know the repercussions that his inability to face his responsibility may cause. Communicate to him how you feel, let him know how much you love him, but how you truly feel, it's very important for the both of you, and your daughter that you don't keep all of this inside, if all of this doesn't work, then try counseling, don't just give up before you've tried, I know it can be hard, and how your emotional state effects how well your doing in school, that's more reason to try and make things work, tell him how this is affecting your lives as a whole. I hope this helps, keep us updated on how things are going, and if you ever need to talk you can always message me, I'm a good shoulder, take care.

Candi :O)

Hi J.! Here's a little about me...27 years old, mom of a 1 1/2 year old silly little boy, and married for 4 years (together for 7). I don't know anything about you other than what you wrote, but I could tell you are REALLY hurting. My very first thought was, does she know Christ? I'm not at all aware of your spiritual background, but I can tell you that God saved me and my marriage. I truly believe that's the only way to heal and correct a troubled marriage. My husband and I had similar issues to yours. I was beyond my breaking point. I felt that nothing was ever going to change and I was ready to run. Long long story short, I asked the Lord to come into my life and heal my heart. I found a Christian family resource counselor who empowered me with so much knowledge about relationships. J., it's a long, trying journey to save your troubled marriage, but that is what God wants you to do. And it is so worth it! I know it may feel like it's too far gone, but it's not. I can only encourage you to get a Bible for women and start reading. Lifeway is a great place to get one. Pray and ask God to come into your life, and if you mean it, He will. And soon the rest will get better. I would love to talk to you more because problems with a marriage are so much more involved than most people realize. And, as a disclaimer, I am NOT some whackjob Jesus Freak trying to lure you into a cult! Those people give Christians a bad name. I haven't been on this website very often, but today I felt like reading the daily e-mail before I deleted it. Now I know why! God loves you and wants you to be happy again and he'll line things up like this to make it easier for you. Please let me know if you'd like to get in contact with me to talk more. In the meantime, check out this website...www.familylife.com. You will be in my prayers. A.

Your story sounds similar to mine. My husband was raised an only child and never had to do anything. This behaviour carried over into his adult life. When we first started dating, he was working, but only out of necessity. He and his roommate barely did any housework. It was truly bad.

When he moved in with me, he was very much the same and like you, I was constantly telling him what needed to be done. He finally told me to stop constantly telling him what needs to be done - he heard me the first time. Like your husband, he didn't like being told what to do nor being "nagged" about it. So I let things be and he still was not much help.

When our daughter was born, I realized I could not do it all by myself. I finally started asking for help rather than telling him what to do. And it is truly amazing how much more he was willing and able to do with just being asked to help instead of being told what to do.

Now he has been with his job for over 2 years. He works evenings so he can be home during the day with our two children. He still stays up late most nights playing xbox, but that is his quiet time. He gets up in the morning and takes care of the kids all day and helps around the house. Our home is not spotless, but hey, I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. We have both come to realize that time with our children is more important than the house being spotless. And as long as I ask him for help he happily obliges. The few times I have told him what to do, it just goes in one ear and out the other. I have simply come to the conclusion that men don't like being told what to do. But ask them for help and make them feel needed works wonders!

I have been where you are - wanting to just kick him out due to shear frustration with having to do everything myself. But ask yourself this...is it truly worth the love you have for him and your family to give up on your marriage over him not helping around the house? Have you sat down and had an open and honest conversation with him about how all this is making you feel? He may honestly not get it or there may be under lying issues with him that you don't know about. The first step is to have a good talk with him and if that doesn't help, than maybe councelling.

That sucks. It sounds like you may have to play hardball with this one. Have you mentioned counseling? It worked wonders for our marriage and we only did a few sessions. My suggestion would be (and it's only a suggestion- each relationship is different)wait for a time when everything is calm and tell him you need to talk when the baby goes to sleep. Explain why you are unhappy. Try to stay calm and be completely honest. Don't point fingers, just tell him exactly how you feel and that you are NOT HAPPY. If you've considered leaving, tell him calmly. Until you are honest with him, things won't change. Explain what needs to be done to make things easier on you. If he gets ugly, remain calm. I wish you the best of luck.

Is your husband depressed?

If not - you may want to try:

'I statements' - 'I need to finish this assignment, it would help me if you could do the dishes.' - these can be less threatening than 'It's your turn to do those dishes!'

or 'polite hardball' - just stop doing the household tasks that he'll miss most. If he doesn't care about the state of, say, the bathroom but does care if he eats, don't cook anymore. Clean the bathroom so that you're satisfied. Or maybe it's shopping he can handle, especially if he gets to bring along his daughter and make an outing of it. You would know best.

Since he has a 'delayed reaction' to requests, start asking before you really, really, need something done. "Could you please do the laundry tonight?" rather than "Laundry! Now! She's out of onesies!" (Not that you would ever put it like that, right? Except maybe on a really bad day...)

Most important - you're not going crazy. You're just a lot overworked.

Desperate measures. Hire help and let him figure out for himself if it's worth the money.

Good Morning J.,

i am sorry that you are having to go through this. i went through this myself. the first question you have to ask yourself is if you truly love him and if you want to make things work. that is what i had to do with my husband MANY times. the first year and a half was great (before kids) then all the parental responsibilities came along, boy did things change. it took us a good 5 years to get through it. we have been together 10 years now and couldn't be happier. it is really more about understanding who the other one is and deciding that if i am going to argue with him about something it is going to be something important that will make a difference in our lives (it all seems important at times). He still doesn't help out much around the house, but now when i am tired and don't feel like cleaning i just don't do it. i will feed the kids off of paper plates (to minimize dishes) when i am tried at the end of the week and do not want to spend an entire day doing laundry (we have three young ones) i tell my husband he needs to make sure he washes his clothes and i will do a load for me and the kids every day or two. We really have come to understand who one another is and respect that (for the most part//he gets on the xbox kick too, and when he does he can not see or hear anything else going on around him) i figure in the last 10 years he has gone from working, coming home, eating and going to sleep: to getting home earlier, helping with dinner if he gets home first (mind you i still have to ask) taking time off when the kids are sick and helping around the house once in a while.
i guess my advice is that it really depends on what you need and if the love for your husband is enough to pull through the tough times. i know it is so much harder when you have kids. the main questions i think you should ask yourself are: how hard will this be for you daughter? do you really want to live your life without him? do you think give time do you think he will mature more (to me the key is not nagging at them, if you ask them to do something and they don't leave it and don't do it. if it takes him 24 hours as long as it is not something vital that needs to be done at that moment then just leave it until he gets to it).
i have found that i am guilty of telling my husband everything he does wrong but never telling him what he does right. we have to let them know that even the smallest things they may do (even if they are not of much help) are seen and appreciated. i now if up the phone every so often and call my husband at work and tell him how much i appreciate him and the things he does get done around the house.
say a prayer for your husband every night when you go to bed, but do not pray that the Lord will make him who he needs to be, pray that God will give you a better understanding of who he is and guide you with the wisdom you will need to make your life with him work.
i will keep your family in my prayers, if you want to talk please feel free to email me anytime at ____@____.com

I am a single mother to a wonderful 9 year old son and I love it. It is hard sometimes, but I truly wouldn't have it any other way. The relationship between my son's father and myself fell apart when I was at the end of my pregnancy. He just didn't get it and hasn't gotten it until just recently with regards to being a father and the added responsibility. We have a decent relationship now, but that is several years of biting my tongue at times. I believe children see the stress in our lives and relate to it in ways we don't even notice. I would never give someone advice to leave a relationship, but I do believe in not wasting life being stressed and unhappy. I believe those people we choose to have in our lives need to add to it not just take from it. I am sure you are a strong women, especially to be working, going to school, and taking care of a family. You just have to decide what you want out of life. Happiness is within your reach.

Dear J.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this difficult time. I felt compelled to respond to you for two reasons: 1)I can feel your pain and fustration and 2)I also experienced a similar situation.
You did not mention if your husband was helping you financially or whether the love was still alive in the marriage. I think that these are big factors that must be included in your decision making. Do you still believe in your heart that he loves you and that his love is true? Is he sitting playing games all day and all night and still not helping you at home or is he tired from a long day at work like yourself and does not want to be bothered with chores. If you believe the love exists and it's the latter case, then it is obviously a better situation and one that you have hope to work and solve your problems within a solid marriage. However, it is still impossible and unfair for you to do it all on your own. You need help from the outside to relieve your work...maybe a family member or a friend? Counseling would help as well to get your partner involved in the marriage as much as you are!Very important and not to be underestimated is the power of prayer: Pray for strength and guidance and you will receive it. I also advise you to reconnect with your husband; whether it is a night out on the town once a week or a romantic dinner for two....And you MUST stop resenting him because you will fall out of love and that is basically the end of your marriage.
If on the other hand, you believe that his love is not true and that he is using you and/or that he is not employed and not willing to get a job, this is alot more serious and I do not have the answer. This is something that only you in your heart can answer. This was my situation and I stayed five years supporting him while he went out every night. I knew where he was and I always checked to make sure he wasnt lying but it did not ease the difficulty of feeling alone in my marriage. I was working fulltime and also taking care of my son when I came home from work and he did nothing in the home....just lived there. I stayed for my son and because I did not want him to be a product of a broken family. I wanted him to have what I had...parents who just celebrated their 45th anniversary. However, as my resentment built, the verbal fights got uglier...he stayed away more and then one day he got physical. I excused the first physical slap but the second time was uglier and I made sure it was the last time. I left. I am still newly divorced and so I cannot say if this is the best thing for me yet but I do know that I cannot go backwards.
Just pray, get all the help you can get.....and please take your time! This is one of the most important decisions in your life and not something that needs to be rushed. Try all that you can before you accept defeat. Divorce is not easy and it is oh so ugly....so wrong to break up the family unit which is where you should find strength, love and unity. However,sometimes it is unavoidable, but only YOU can be the one to decide if it is the necessary route. I hope for your sake not.
Good luck.

I have been in you shoes. And I noticed everything was 1. in my attitute and 2. in compromise.
I yelled at him 24/7 ( noticed it was not fighting) he realized he did nothing and apologized but the truth is that he "escaped" to his games and work because he was not happy either. Finally I asked what he could do we set several chores for him to do (I still do most), mainly repeat ones that you would not have to keep reminding him about and can even turn into habits, like taking the trash out, emptying the dishwasher, picking up the table and loading the dishwasher, on set day start the laundry (do not expect a man to fold and put away clothes though) things like that, so you do not have to nag but if he did not do them just a gentle reminder will do.
Dont complain or attack him the minute he or you get home, never raise your voice and LISTEN to what he has to say, and tell him how YOU feel not how he makes you feel, maybe he doesn't even know why you are unhappy. for example, I feel rejected when you play your games because it is an activity that does not include me or our daughter, instead of YOU are rejecting me. See the difference?
The compromise has to come from both of you and both of you need to work on your attitude because if he is not willing to work with some of the things that make you unhappy, same goes for you, nothing will be resolved.
Also give him and schedule for you some alone time, for him to hang with his friends or with his games and you go out with your friends, take your daughter to the zoo, do something just you or just you and your daughter. And maybe you can take turns in who taeks the kid so you can have real alone time to do whatever you enjoy. Missing the other person helps you feel like you are still you not just a wife and mom and I'm sure he will enjoy it too.
I know this three things saved my marriage and I hope they help you too.