I need another perspective on my dilemma and I apologize if this is long: My house is the one where all the neighborhood kids end up, which I’m fine with most of the time, but about a month ago all of them (6 yrs through 16) where throwing bunchems at each other; one of the neighborhood girls (16 yr) stated to put more of the bunchems on her own hair and shaking it, so of course they got really stuck so she went home to try to somehow take them off.
About 20 minutes later, when my nephew (16) was outside on his own playing basketball, this girl’s father (40’s) grabbed him by the arm and started yelling at him that he lived here in my house and that he was responsible to what happened to this girls hair; my nephew attempted to release himself from his grasp about three time during which this guy grabbed him again until he decided to not try again for fear that the guy would punch him.
After he released my nephew, he banged hardly on my front door until my ex-husband who was here that day while I was out, opened the door not knowing what was going on. The proceeded to yell at my ex while on his face until he realized that my ex was not going to back off but actually moved forward, at which point he just told him that his daughters hair was ruined because of the game, threw his arms in the air and said he couldn’t deal with it and left; all the while my ex was trying to figure out what was happening and trying to calm this guy.
The mother of one of the kids here called my ex to ask what happened after her son went home crying and scared of the neighbor, with whom they have had several unpleasant incidents, when he explained what happened she even urged him to call the police and report the situation but my ex didn’t really want to make things bigger and scare the kids even more, but we told our kids that they were not allowed to play with this girl again, specially at our house, since she has a violent dad that doesn’t have self control and that would turn on a teenager literally because there was an accident the his own daughter cause on herself and that fortunately didn’t have consequences since she didn’t even had to cut her hair.
Now the kids keeps begging me to allow her to come over or to allow them to play with her because “her father is not upset anymore” and she talked to him and “he promised to never do it again” (really, a 40 something grown man) but I just don’t trust this man and his auto control since he showed none; I mean, we all know no matter how careful kids are, accidents are bound to happen and if this guy will blame everyone but his own daughter and then react violently towards the kids.
So what do you think, would you allow your kids to play with this girl anymore?
It's too bad for the girl but her dad is too unstable to risk contact with that family again.
The guy needs some anger management but there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.
The simple answer, no, because it is causing too much drama.
So you don't think this violent man is the only one causing drama, though he is causing most of it, this story is dripping with your drama in the telling. Two dramas are more than any neighborhood can take so take the high road and back out of the dance.
You NEED to file a police report. You NEED to file a police report every time this man gets out of line. Having the police show up should not scare the kids any more than having a raving lunatic grab a child and then scream at an adult. The police officers are trained to handle situations such as these. They will talk to the kids and reassure them the police are there to protect the kids and the peaceful residents in the neighborhood.
Having ongoing documentation of this man's violent activities will help if criminal charges are filed.
Think about this: ... if this man was this out of control in public ---- What is he like in private? While I agree having this girl over to your house may cause another violent outburst by the father; being at your house may be the only time she gets the peace to be just what she is a kid who needs love and acceptance.
If this were me?? I would file a police report - no one man-handles my child.
Doesn't matter if "daddy isn't upset anymore" - he's a drama king and that's just too stressful.
the girl is unwilling to accept responsibility as well - it sounds like she is afraid of her dad and told a lie to keep from getting in trouble.
It also sounds like the kids view your home as a "no rules" kinda place so they can have unlimited fun....boundaries need to be set.
The daughter would no longer be welcome in my home. I would tell her to her face so she understands that drama is not allowed. it would bother me that a 6 year old is playing with a 16 year old....are these YOUR kids or all kids from the block??
If they want to play with her?? Tell them they MUST play out front so there is NOTHING unseen by other people. Otherwise? Nope. It's a no-go.
No.
We had a very similar incident. Man came over and raged. My husband, clueless, walked into it not knowing what was going on. The man sort of backed down, but clearly was pissed off.
His son invited mine over and we allowed it. Big mistake. The father was looking for a fight. He raged. It wasn't pretty.
People like that don't like to be put in their place. So I'd be very careful.
In our case, my kids did not want to play with the child any more. He felt his friend should have stood up for him (my son had done nothing).
No. I would say they are allowed to consider her a "school friend" but no more visits back and forth to homes. Too risky. Sure, the dad may be calm now, but you know he has a short fuse, enough for him to suddenly grab an innocent teen and scare other children. I'd tell the kids when you see someone show that much anger and lack of appropriate self-control, you steer clear, for everyone's safety. And sure the kids can tell you that he's not upset anymore, but I doubt it. If he truly had enough character to understand how wrong his behavior was, he would have apologized to your family himself.
I looked at your previous questions. If I'm correct, you have sons? Who are about 11 and maybe 7-ish? And you don't have a daughter, or at least not one that's about 16?
So I'll proceed with that assumption. If I'm incorrect, just ignore all this.
There's no good reason, other than the occasional birthday cake, or taking shelter from a sudden storm, for a 16 year old girl to be in your house when you have pre-teen boys. I mean, it's not a natural friendship age. She's considerably older than them.
And, if by "unpleasant incidents", do you mean other physical altercations, or has the guy just mouthed off in rude ways? If this is the first time the girl's dad has physically assaulted someone, you might just assume he was having a bad day. If it wasn't the first time, or if his "incidents" have been more than just being heard cursing in his back yard, (like showing up at doorsteps and threatening violence or actually touching someone else in anger), you may need to act, as a group of neighbors, to make sure your kids are safe. But if his actions are usually just the actions of a person who's a jerk but in his own yard or house, just be wary. Do you have a homeowner's association? They may have guidance for you on this.
Assuming the dad is ordinarily just a person whose bark is worse than his bite, I wouldn't ban this 16 year old girl from your front yard if she wants to come over. As others said, she may be seeking a safe place where no one hurts her (verbally or physically or emotionally or all three). If the dad's behavior is actually physically endangering, that's another story. You may need to ask her if she needs to speak with someone, and you may need to tell her you'll get her a phone number or help her make an appointment with the school counselor, and you're sorry but she can't come over, even into your yard.
But I would never allow her in your house without one of her parents. The way her dad is, he could see her come home with her shirt slightly rumpled from sitting on your couch innocently watching tv with the other kids, and he could start making wild accusations that she was raped or assaulted at your house, and make your lives legal nightmares. There's no need for her to come in, since 16 year old girls don't usually hang out with 11 year old boys.
Ummm, no. He assaulted your nephew, put his hands on him. I'd have called the police and filed charges on him for assaulting a child/underage person. Consider what he did to a person that isn't behind closed doors with him and living with him. There's a good chance his family feels his wrath every day.
No way this kid comes to my house without their mom to stay and spend some down time with me. Perhaps she needs a good friend. Maybe she'd appreciate the time away from home. But on the other hand maybe he doesn't let his wife out of the house to have freedom.
I'd say you could gauge how it's going to go by having the mom over at the same time to see her parenting style plus you can get to know her better.
So, I would probably still let the daughter over as she is living with a scary person during a difficult age and being isolated from friends would be hard. I think you made a mistake not reporting what he did to your nephew but just be prepared to contact the police if this guy ever steps on your property again. Also, I would consider if you have seen or heard anything that you could report to child services. I would be vigilant.
Also, of course never let your kids go near their house
No. Why is there such a big difference in age hanging out anyway? They sound like trouble and so I'd just have the kids stay away. They don't realize that it could end up as a big, big problem, so don't let the kids decide, you decide.
She probably told her dad that the other kids did it to her hair to save herself and not knowing he'd react the way he did, which was unreal. Hair can be fixed, cut and grows back, it's hair.
Hi Lovemy,
I am in basic agreement with the previous posts. The situation is too charged and he is clearly unpredictable and unsafe. Having said that, I am also feeling badly for the girl and thinking that she may need some support herself. If he's going to lose it like that in front of a group, acting aggressively and impulsively, imagine what she may have to suffer at his hands behind closed doors. Is there any way you can reach out to her, without risking hers, or your, safety with an open hand? If not, is there anyway you can find out if she has someone to support her in her household? Not so sure I would file a police report, but perhaps a call to social services may be in order.
I'm sorry this happened to ya'll. Hoping the drama dials down. And good for you for being the house in the neighborhood where they all hang. That takes a real temperament that I don't possess but do very much admire. S.
Your house, your rules. They play outside not in your home. Perhaps it is time to break up the everybody goes to "Joe's House" and that is fine as well.
I probably would have a report on file for the nephew. Did anyone ever look at the boy's arm to determine if there was any discoloration from the man's grip? A paper trail maybe in order to protect the daughter and the other neighborhood kids especially since one went home crying. Not a good.
It only takes one person to ruin a neighborhood relationship and this man sounds like that kind of person. The daughter will be gone in a year or two. Hopefully he won't cause any more drama. I do give your ex a pat on the back for his restraint with a "wild man" up in his face about his daughter's hair. Hair does grow back. Her lesson is not to throw or put stuff in her hair and blame someone else for something she did.
the other S.
PS This, too, shall pass. Everyone will learn a lesson from this. Some people or kids may not be friends but it is what it is.
I'd file a report with the police. It's just a report. But it will be there on file for next time.
I'd let her come over. But you need some rules set up.
