I'm Losing My Mind - Please Help!

IMO, this is the age when spanking is appropriate. A little swat on the butt when he tells you 'NO' or screams his head off or throws his toys or any of that other stuff you listed!

I can count on my 2 hands how many times I have spanked all 3 of my kids and this was the age that it is the most effective. My kids are very well behaved and screaming and telling me 'NO' or hitting was NEVER tolerated at my house. When done properly spanking only needs to happen a couple times and then it never needs to happen again...the threat of a spanking will work after that and then eventually you don't need anything else besides 'The Look'!!

This is just my .02 cents...so you can take it or leave it.

He doesn't respect you, or your authority.

A quick swat, or put in him in his room and let him scream. He'll stop screaming - but only when he learns (and YOU teach him) that you'll stop rescuing him every time he throws a tantrum.

No asking. No talking. No reasoning.

Tantrum = room.

Period.

And then let him go.

After a few days of CONSISTENT consequences - you should see improvement.

Try to remember, he is doing what is right for his age...testing limits and questioning authority. If he blindly always did what you told him to do, when he gets to be a teenager, he will turn that unquestioning obedience to his friends, which might not be so great.
Curb your yelling if you possibly can. By just doing that, you will increase the harmony in your household. If you feel your top starting to blow, excuse yourself from the room and yell into a pillow if you have to. When he is melting down, he needs you to keep it together, not melt down along with him. He is looking for the boss in the room, and if you aren't it, then who is it? If you develop a habit of not yelling and practicing patience and quiet speaking, you will come to see that even if he is upset, you can be the bigger person and guide him through a tumultuous time.
You will be repeating yourself over and over and over and over. That's what a lot of parenting is, especially at that age.
You can be both loving and firm at the same time. If you can turn your "no" into a "yes" that might be helpful. I learned this from a cousin of mine who is absolutely great with her kids.
SON: I want to go play at the neighbors house!!
YOU: (old answer) No, they're not home right now.
(New answer) We can go say hi when they get home.
or
SON: I want to climb up in that chair!!
YOU: (old answer) No, it's too dangerous.
(new answer) Why don't we go outside and you can climb on your jungle gym?
Talking like this takes practice but it has worked for me in the past.
You can do it!

As far as the being clothed thing, children that age are not able to understand that something is ok in one circumstance but not in another. If you want him to be clothed this has to be the new rule, all of the time. Expect some difficulty with adjusting to the new rule, but remain firm and be consistent with whatever discipline you choose. Personally, I believe in using a swat or two on the behind for the type of behavior you describe here.

You mention how you try to communicate with him, but is he able to communicate with you? Your post doesn't say if he's verbal or not. And if he's not, or is limited, that could be a big part of the problem as lack of communication is amazingly frustrating for kids. Love and Logic might help. My son also had time out in his room, which was toddler safe and I could lock the door till he calmed down. Good luck!

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Don't yell. Get close and whisper, it's much scarier. My little guy just turned 4 and is mellowing out a bit. I wish I had an answer for you. Just take deep breaths and know you are not alone.

Consistency is the key as already stated. I would tell him no when he hits or screams or knocks things over one time and the next time a swat and put him in his room/ bed and it will stop very soon. Otherwise it will get worse and you will have no authority or respect and he will hit you or kick you or whatever he feels like when he feels like it. He is being taught by you taking charge that you love him but that you expect him to learn to control himself even though he's just starting to learn that. You will show him you mean it by being consistent and when he settles down then you can tell him how nice he's behaving then. Praise when he's good, discipline when he's not. It's an ongoing life with little ones. It's the best way to enjoy them too, as well as for them to be happy themselves.

Don't you love the boundary-pushing stages?

He's at the age where he wants a little more independence, and he's trying to see how far he can go. You actually CAN explain things to him - that doesn't mean he'll pay attention right now, but you'll be surprised when later he'll explain to someone that they might fall out that window, even though he didn't appear to be listening at the time.

Another thing he's doing is exploring all of the things he can get attention for. That's what time out is really for - being alone, and no one paying attention to him. When he starts the tantrum, just quietly pick him up and put him in his room or an out-of-the-way corner, and let him throw the tantrum there - by himself. They'll eventually stop, when he realizes they don't work. When he calms down, y'all can have a quiet chat, and he can get his attention that way, and you and he can calmly help him with the communication skills he's looking for. Because part of what tantrums are, is also frustration because he doesn't have the words to say what he wants to get across - and I'll bet even the word "frustrated" either isn't in his personal vocabulary, or he doesn't have the verbal dexterity to say it. If you can catch him at the build up to a tantrum, taking a few deep breaths together sometimes helps - it did us, anyway.

Disclaimer: no guarantees for anything; every kid is unique, but these are things that help us sometimes.

Hang in there, mama!

Oh do I feel your pain! I am having this same issue with my 3.5 year old. He does not deal well with not getting his way, and we sometimes have the "screaming tantrums", where he will literally scream the same thing over and over and over (...and over, to the point that his throat gets scratchy and my ear drums start to buzz). I recently convinced my husband to do an experienment with me. Me and my son had been playing in the neighborhood, and my son crossed the street by himself. Obvoiusly this is a HUGE no-no, so I got on his level and said "that is unacceptable behaviour. You must always have an adult with you to cross the street. If you do this again, we will go straight inside". Well you know 10 minutes later he does it again. I had my 4 month old in the stroller and I went to my 3 year old and explained "we are going home now. it is not safe to go in the street alone. you broke the rules by going in the street by yourself and now we are going home". Of course he does not want to go, so Iiterally have to drag him by the arm with 1 hand, and push the stroller with the other. I gave him plenty of opportunities to walk on his own free will but he would not do it. So we get inside and he starts screaming "I want to go back outside", over and over and over.... My husband is quick to get mad and yell back. I told my husband to simply ignore him. My husband would be quiet for maybe a minute and then engage with him again (a minute does seem longer with someone screaming at the top of their longs, but still not long enough for this to be effective). I had to pull my husband aside several times and tell him to stop engaging in the behavoir. IGNORE HIM. Dont say a thing. Pay no attention to it. I just go about my business talking to the baby, doing things around the house, talking to my husband as if there is not a screaming child in the background. Soon, the screaming turned from "I want to go outside" to, "you are not listening to me!". And I could tell it was working! So I kept quiet, but by this time we were in the kids bathroom and I was preparing the baby for a bath. I silently got up and turned on the water at the sink and put some bubbles and a truck in there (one of his fav things to play with), but I said nothing. Of course I was hoping this would distract him but I did not try to offer it to him b/c that normally makes this tantrum worse. Within a few minutes he calmed down and started playing! It was over much faster than normal. Then, once he was completely done screaming, I started talking to him again, and we discussed why we cant go in the street and gave him hugs. We are obviously still trying to work through this issue as well, but so you know, you are not alone, and maybe ignoring will work for you as well.

Really think about your NOs. Try really hard to never say No, and if you can't give him X, say "later sweetie" or something like that. But really, it's all about prevention.

And you are right, you can't really explain a lot of things to them. They get very focused, and that is that. In the case of the neighbors, go let him knock on the door. He can then see that they aren't home. When he starts to climb on chairs or furniture, don't say "don't do that," say "we sit on chairs." You will find that he will then do what you just said. So the trick is to always put things in the positive. And then distract, 'shall we go have a cookie?"

If you aren't going anywhere, let him run around naked. One thing my hubby and I do with our son that works is to just say "let us know when you are ready to get dressed." Amazingly, he will usually come to us shortly thereafter asking for our help. And if I need him to do something (like brush his teeth), and he is too busy playing i tell him "let me know when you are ready." This helps sometimes. Mostly, what I find to be the most helpful is to get it all into his routine. They love routine at this age, so if you can convince them that they a have to do X, then you are set. Sometimes just saying "you have to wear a diaper or undies, what would you like to wear" is enough to distract them. They get distracted by questions, so if you can get good at asking the right sort of question, you will find you can prevent a lot. I am still struggling to learn how to do this, but I know it's possible!

wait 'til he's 3....it gets worse. :) That's when the mouth really starts!

& now back to today: with my daycare kids, I have my words only. Only! & they behave...simply because they know they have to. All it takes is one look, one word. This is not a brag, this is the end result of many years of doing this.....& you will find that it comes easier the more you practice consistency. I have worked very hard to achieve this Peace!

With my own sons, yes, I spanked. My older son more so, my younger son simply didn't push boundaries as frequently. Did it scar them for life? NO! & what's interesting is that they both feel spanking is necessary for some kids....& I think they're both going to be firm, consistent parents. Dang proud of them!

In addition to a rare spanking for our younger son, I also used the "1-2-3 Magic" discipline system. It worked on him, & works for my daycare. I recommend this method every time a Mamapedia member asks for help. I am a firm believer in this approach. & funnier than funny, I first watched this video when my older son was 12. He cruised thru the room as we were watching it, & he said, "good luck getting that to work on me"! He's almost 25, & we still laugh over his response. Such a brat....from the very beginning on....:)

Soooo, I have some questions for you: how much tv does he watch? How much time does he spend with other children? How much outside play activity does he receive? Does he encounter any academics at this point? & How much sugar is in his diet? All of these factors can & may affect your days together. Please make sure he's on a healthy diet. Please make sure you're hitting all of the benchmarks when it comes to getting his energy out. & please make sure you have quiet time together!

The next thought is: okay, when he wants something & you say, "no". What would happen if you flipped it? What would happen if you engaged him in a conversation....kinda like a Drama Queen/joking....? What if you said, "oh, you mean you want ____? OMGosh, can you tell me about it? Tell me why you want ___!" By engaging him, you may be able to redirect his interest elsewhere....& do it without a tantrum! It's amazing how a little bit of goofiness can go a long, long way! & the bonus result to this is that you will reduce your own stress & feel happier. :)

& as for that timeout issue: my Mom used to hold my older son IN timeout. She called it the "tar baby" effect. Timeout was on her lap, with her arms around him. If he tried wiggling out, then the offending arm/leg would get "caught in the tar". Eventually, he would calm down & stop crying/fighting....& they would talk peacefully about whatever was at issue. I know some people would consider this a "restraining hold", but it was truly non-offensive & always coupled with humor. By the end, there was no yelling, no arguing, & simply laughter was left.

(sigh) Oh, the memories! You will survive...especially if you find a little humor to throw into your daily life!

this is typical 2 and half year old behavior. he knows there are so many more options now lol. But you need to say no stick to it and do the 1,2,3 magic. if you do it consistantly and also follow through with the consequences it will work. there is a book you can get it at any bookstore.

tell him no and if he continues yelling say 1, then the 2 and on the 3 you pick him up and put him in his crib or a chair for time out. I vote for crib as they can walk away from the time out. if he is in a toddler bed and can get out them put a gate across his room. no anger on your part just calm and firm about it.

he needs to understand that no means no. you can't explain to him dangerous etc at his age. he just knows your saying no and he wants it NOW. but he needs to learn instant compliance with a no as it is sometimes a danger issue (such as running in the road etc) good luck momma

Best method I ever used was "1 2 3 Magic" can't remember the author. Our pediatrician recommended it years ago. It gives you a method to be consistent and uses very clear simple language and very few words. My super oppositional child (very emotional, sensory etc) benefits from a combination 1 2 3 consistency with a little empathy a la "Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber. For example, let them know you hear them and you empathize. THey will usually solve their own problem

My child also responds to humor. "I see in round one of Johnny vs diaper, you have truly dominated. Poor diaper..." At that point my daughter would start to giggle and we would make a game of it.

And, don;t ever be afraid to put yourself in a time out. "Johnny, I hear how frustrated you are. I think I feel that way too. Let's each take a time out in our own rooms and see how we feel in 5 minutes" Then I'd go fold laundry or do some sit ups or breathing exercises and many times they would come and check on me. LOL. "Mom you feeling better? Let's go make lunch"

Last night she wouldn't leave the pool - yes. she's 11 now and we are still dealing with it. My husband and I said, "I see you aren;t ready to go, but we are. We will be waiting for you outside." She was dried off and dressed and met us within two minutes.

Good luck - nothing wrong with a strong personality. Channeling the strength into some good versus evil is the tough part ;-)

Thank you for this post! I am sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I am going through this with my almost three year old. I love the little monster but can't take it anymore. They other day he got mad that I sent him to bed so he took off his diaper and pooped his bed and smeared it on his stuffed animals, rug, and sheets. When I put him in time out he starts banging his head against the chair or starts spitting on the floor. Since timeouts are not working for him I have been giving myself time outs. I go into my bedroom and take a minute or to, to breathe and go back out there and not yell at him, because it doesn't work.