I'm Sinking Fast

HI mom,

Easy fix,

YOUR doing it wrong. Your trying to force him.

Children learn by watching,

TIVO or DVR or rent, and video where the kids are cleaning,

Barney has a clean up song,

Clean up
clean up

Everybody everywhere

Clean up
clean up

Everybody Do their share.

I sing that song all the time, and it works

I sweetly say , OK c'mon help mommy clean up
c'mon baby.

then I start singing, and picking up
and they pitch in, ( of course at 2 don't expect a miracle)

Next, My kids always listen

BUT my husband gets angry like you when they cry or still want to continue after a long day of fun,

What I tell him,

As long as they are listening it doesn't matter.
They don't have to be happy about it.

So next time, sing and ask him to clean up to make it fun for him, Don't get angry, just start cleaning up and don't worry about what he is doing, he eventually will do it, after about 4-5 times.

Next time he refuses you stop, physically get him,
take his hand to pick it up and place it gently in the toy bin

THEN he gets a time out.

When he does what you ask you praise him,
you say OH thank you my good boy , your great at listening,

WOW your fabulous, LOOK how smart you are,

Amazing , Baby I knew you could do it,

NOW remember, they don't have to like it as long as they do it.

He is a Boy, and boys are diffrent then girls.

-----------------

NOW YOU

have you made friends in this new town, do you have an outlet?

because you seem very stressed out. like you need a break.

second thing, parenting is not easy, and you don't go to college for preparation LOL

parenting is hard, draining, stressfull, time consuming, and worse yet THANKLESS.

no one praises you, there is no bonus, no paycheck, nothing.

So until you learn how to parent you will feel unsucessfull.

Join a mommy and me class , visit the library, and enroll him in a gymnastics class.

reason, he needs an outlet atleast 3 days a week.

first one you do together
second one together

third one he does alone.

Mommy and me is great it teaches them how to listen ad follow the rules and its active.

the library or an art class, great for quiet mommy time.

and gymnastics is great for burning off the energy, and following rules independently.

--You have the gym for you, what does he have for himself.

these things will help you bond, create a positive enviornemt,help you make friends, and show you that your kid is not the only kid who misbehaves.

good luck and email me if you want

M

You are not alone. Most of us go through periods when we don't like our children very much. They are little people who's sole purpose in life is to test us and push our buttons!
And... sometimes they don't like us either! Thats one of the joys of parenthood they don't warn you about. As long as you still love him, you have nothing to be ashamed of! Also, having two kids does not necessarily mean twice the headache...sometimes they'll entertain each other and leave you alone!

I realize how frustrated you are. My first son (now 4 1/2 yrs) was happy, laid back, non aggresive, listened, etc. My second son, now 2 1/2 yrs is the complete opposite. Battles me everyday on everything. I, too use the 10 minute warning thing and eventually they do catch on. Calm, cool and consistency. Not easy to do on a child that is "high spirited". I do believe for the most part this is a phase...they don't call it the terrible two's for nothing. But it is true that the child;s reaction will get worse as your reaction does. There is no easy answer...get down to his level, change your tone when talking to him to a clam low voice and re-instruct him. For me the time out chair did not work since he would never stay there and laughed the whole time. I took out the high chair from the attic and everytime he needed to go to the time out I strapped him in the chair. After two days he caught on. We still have our days but that goes with the territory.
Good luck and this too shall pass..........

I'm really sorry that you're going through such frustrations. I have an almost 2.5 year old, and sometimes he does similar things, but he is generally good and listens. Of course I usually pick up, but there are times that I ask him to. In those instances, I usually have something more fun for him, like painting. I tell him, do you want to paint, and he'll say yes. I then say OK, we have to clean up before you can paint, and boom. I always help him clean up too, I think they get overwhelmed when they look at the mess and think it's all on them to clean it. Although my son is in day care all day and I work. I hear you, I always thought it is very difficult to be a stay home mom 100% of the time.I think you've gotten to a point where you need some you time, and there is nothing wrong with that. You have to take care of you so you can be happy, and in turn your family will be happy. Can you try a different day care, and maybe he'll adjust better? Kids really learn much better from other kids. My son started day care at 21 months, and it has done wonders for him. Don't feel guilty about having some you time. Can you go back to work, even part time? We as mothers loose our identities, and it becomes a life long battle for us. You should have the opportunity to enjoy your family, and vise versa. Please try to schedule some you time (work or otherwise). If day-care is not an option for you, try to schedule play dates, maybe he is board and not stimulated enough. I can see the days my son is home, he gets bored easily, and I always have to plan some activities. I can't even imagine having to do this every single day. Good luck to you and your family.

I strongly recommend that you read literature on child development. Your son is not being bad. He is not trying to make you angry. ALL young children do this. Every single one of them. If you learn about child development it will help you to understand your child much better. which you need to do.

He is typical, he is normal, he is learning. So, whenever he frustrates you, continue with the naughty chair, and teaching him right from wrong (which he will not fully grasp until age 7) and before you loose your cool remind yourselh that he is only 2 years old and every parent in the world who has ever had & who currently has a 2 year old is battling the same exact thing.

Learning about child development, or taking a parenting class will allow you to see that he is doing what a 2 year old should be doing. This will not last forever. But if you want to succeed you need to learn more about typical behaviors because if you go about it in the wrong way it could make things worse for you and him for the rest of your lives.

A.

C.,

First off, you are indeed a good mommy. Anyone that gives the gift of life, and battles it thru to adulthood is def respected and rewarded. You just are not seeing it at the moment. I can't say I am in your situation as my daughter is almost 3 come July, but there are times, she just won't listen. I am a mom to a girl, not a boy, but what I can tell you is I really honestly think he is manipulating you and testing his free will and his decision making. Some children, whether boys or girls are more active and more verbal. How do you think prominent leaders become whom they are today? They are extroverted from the get go and want their voice heard and they want what they want, when they WANT IT!!! I have a good feeling that by the time he gets to be around 4, he will settle in....My daughter became more intolerable when she was about 26 months. I could not take her to malls, she would not sit down in restautants, etc. She is still like that now. I'm so nervous about having another child and to see how it will all pan out.
I read your entire email, and I really think you should bring this up to your Pediatrician and he/she should refer you to a child Psychologist just to get better tips and tricks on how to handle his growing behavior. The more help you get the better off you are. I know you have spoken to your family about this, most likely friends and of course your husband, but keeping reaching out to others. You are just in the dumps right now, but you will indeed get out of it. It is also OK to say the things you said about your son. It is your way of saying, PLEASE HELP ME!
By the way, my background is Psych and social work by degree.
Best,
N.

My baby's doctor gave me the best advice for this and it worked. When you need your son to do something like pick up a toy , put on a jacket, or anything else, always give a 5 minute warning with a big smile on your face. For instance, "oh, (baby's name)those toys have to be put away in 5 minutes. I'll let you know when that is". give him 5 minutes, then (still smiling) say "time to put the toys away". When he starts screaming say (still smiling)"I am going to count to 3 and when I get to 3 we will put the toys away" Count to 3 (still smiling) "1-2-3" and take the toys and put them away(still smiling)( your son will probably still be screaming)! Try to be positive with him and say "let me show you how to do this so you can be Mommy's good boy" and say "all done"(still smiling)when the task is finished then give him a kiss when it is done, and take him out of the room. The important thing is not to get angry but to control the situation. Try to keep your cool and understand that he needs to realize that what you say will get done and use his desire to please you. My doctor said I could have this battle about 20 times but that on the 21st time I would just have to say "1" and my child would realize that what I asked would get done and would start doing what was asked. Make sure your requests are calm, resonable, and made with a smile. It worked for me, and I hope it works for you. The 21st time my baby didn't need more than me counting to 1. Remember to stay as calm as you can and do everything with him calmly (even if you are the only calm one in the room!) He will learn by your example. good luck! you sound like you want to be a great mom and know that you can be.

The best book I ever read was "The Baby Whisperer for Toddlers" by Tracey Hogg. She writes so brilliantly that you feel empowered, not stupid or unknowing. Its an easy, quick, and wonderful read. It gives more than just good advise. You got some pretty good advise from the moms here. Being a mom is the hardest and sometimes the loneliest job ever. No one ever expects the father to give up his career and change his status to stay home. (Rarely!!!) The big career does not prepare us for such unprofessionalism of kids. => How would you feel if someone was trying to force you to do something they wanted you to do? Not a very pleasant feeling!!! Kids are little people with minds of their own and its a lot of getting on their level not ours. Wait until he starts teaching you a thing of two...its a riot!!! =>
Your son is still 2 years old, is he still taking naps? It may be worth your while to take some naps too. My kids and I misbehave the most when they are tired or hungry. Just a thought.
Spring will come and the best thing is the park!!! The fresh air and play will get him tired, while you get to talk with other moms.

I totally understand where you are coming from.. I have a 3year old boy and a 6yr old girl. My son has been testing me for a long time and still continues to do so. It's very frustrating dealing with this especially when you are a stay at home mom. The best thing to do is through play time you can show him how to act the proper way... like when you are playing a game with him teaching him to take turns with you and playing tea party etc. Just spending quality time with him like that is very important to him. When you discipline it's very important to show him that when he doesn't listen to you that there will be a consequence like going on the time out chair/naught chair(that shows him who's the boss) My son screams and sometimes hits me since he doesn't want to go time out but everytime he gets up i put him right back and keep doing it and if he get's up during time out then he has to stay there longer. Do not give up on that! It will get better as time goes on as long as you stick with the time outs and don't give empty promises or threats. -M.

You aren't failing. It's a battle of wills. He's at an age where he's getting his own thoughts and ideas. He's learning the he can have some control over his world. My oldest grandson is tough so I told my daughter to turn things into a game. "Let's have a race to see who can pick up the most blocks?" "I can get my coat faster than you can." It works.

You are not a bad mom or person! I too have had the same feelings that you have had. I also agree with many od the comments already posted. Here's some strategies that I've found have helped me deal with my 21 mos old daughter.

Don't think I'm crazy, but dealing with toddlers is alot like training a dog. I'm not saying our children are dogs, although there are some striking similarities (eat things off the floor, chew on toys, slobber, etc). :-) You have to train yourself & your son. Keep it simple and "stay in the now."

1. Positive Reinforcement- turn negatives into positives: if he is doing something right, no matter how big or small, praise him--not with rewards, but with words & body language. Make a big deal verbally: "Yeah, you did it!" "Great job!" Clap your hands, smile. You'll see that he will start doing whatever he was praised for more often. Saying "no" all the time doesn't work because after awhile you sound like a broken record and "no" loses its power. Reserve "no" for important things; make the "no" count by using it only when necessary.

2. Ignore behavior: Obviously, if he is doing something that can hurt him, you don't want to ignore it. But, if he is doing something to get a reaction, then ignore it. Here's two examples: My daughter used to climb on the coffee table and it would drive me nuts. No matter how many times I said "no" and pulled her off the table, she still did it. It wasn't until I started ignoring her and would not look at her when she was on the table that she stopped. When she would get completely off the table, then I would look at her and interact with her. The same goes for temper tantrums. When your son is throwing a tantrum, ignore him, don't console him, because you are reinforcing that behavior. After he calms himself down, and he will when he sees he is not getting a reaction, then talk to him and address the issue. So the gist is: ignore behavior you don't want, positively praise the behavior you do want.

3. Be consistent. If you say "no" and/or threaten consequences, you must follow through everytime, not when it is convenient. So keep consquences realistic & again, use them sparingly and make them count.

I hope this helps!

Well, first thing is that alot has changed for the whole family in the last couple of months... and if it is unsettling for you, it is for him even moreso. When my daughter was that age I read somewhere that some of this was a period of growth. 6 months settled and 6 months unsettled. It will pass . Think in those terms and you wont want today to change as drastically. If you got alot out of working .. then taking him to a great daycare/enriching program could be beneficial to you both... you could work .. he could learn.. if you feel
omewhat stiffled then he may sense that .. see if you can do it part time. You are not failing :)
And if he doesnt like the daycare at the gym ... try another one.
PS. that is why it is called the terrible two's......

Number 1, you are NOT a failure. Get this out of your mind right this second. You are a mother going through what almost every one of us goes through...the terrible twos. I keep telling my husband that the terrible twos last far beyond 2 yrs old.

Children at this stage of development are beginning to feel their own emotions and they do not understand what is happening to them or how to control it. This can begin far earlier than what most developmental charts will tell you. With my daughter, it began at 19 months. She is a little over 3 now and it is starting to die down.

He also wants to be in control of his world. When you tell him (or ask) to pick up a toy, in his mind, you are taking away his control of where it is, when to move it, and etc. We are so used to rushing through things, that we fail to see the time adjustment that a small child needs. He needs some warning, even if it is only 5 minutes. Try mentioning around 5 minutes before actually getting him to do anything that..."We need to pick up toys soon. Will you help mommy?" or something else along those lines.

Instead of battling, give him choices, too. At his age, two options are best. You can try..."I need to clean the (area here) soon. Do you WANT TO pick up your toys or (insert best option he can do here)?"

Never offer more than two options/choices! He may become confused and then have another meltdown!

When he does throw a tantrum, just let him go with it as long as you are at home. If you are in public, take him to your car or into a restroom and let him get through it. Even at home, be close by. He cannot cope with his anger/frustration in a 'proper' manner, so he is doing what he knows how. If he allows it, pat his back, hold him, or just sit close by until he is done. Then be ready to give him big hugs to soothe the fear he is feeling from losing control.

You are going to needs LOTS of deep breathing exercises, aromatherapy, and warm soaks at night. Anything that you love. you should do to help you relax and cope. Your mantra in your head should always focus on...'it is not my fault, i am a good mother'.

You still have a great career and you ARE making more of a contribution now than you ever were. You are nurturing a human being, the hardest job on the planet. It isn't easy, it's messy, it can drive us nuts, but one day you will have the satisfaction of knowing that YOU helped create and nurture someone who will always love you.

Oh. And everytime he has a huge fit, remember, one day his own son will pee on him.

I agree with so many of the responses here, I will try not to repeat, but I do have a few more ideas for you. Regarding choices, it often helps to offer 2 positives:
"You can help mommy pick up the cars first, or the blocks. Which do you choose?" "We need to get your jacket on and your shoes. What should we do first?" Note that this is not a "do this or there is a consequence" option. There IS a place for that, but your goal is to get the day moving along more pleasantly. The time to include consequences is for the things you feel are non-negotiable. "Throwing food on the floor is not acceptable. You can eat the food on your plate, or you can say All Done. Next time you throw food on the floor, you will have a time-out." Above all, be creative. You can develop a very personal dialog to get your son motivated. For example, my nephew, who is OBSESSED with numbers, was whining horribly because he wanted vanilla ice cream when all that was available was chocolate. My sister calmed him by having him count how many choclate cones we all had, and promised him vanilla at 3:00 that afternoon. This isn't how I would have approched it, but it worked for them.

Also, BE CONSISTENT. Always give 1 (but only 1) warning before going to time-out. If your child throws a toy and you instantly put him in time-out because "he knows" that's not allowed, you will be increasing the power struggle. The warning gives him time to make a choice to behave better, and reminds him that throwing is not allowed (because toddlers do forget!)

I also HIGHLY recommend some Mommy-time. Get away for a day - not an hour, not to the grocery store. Go visit your mom or sister without your child. Plan a day-long shopping spree with a friend (even if all you can afford is window-shopping). You are burning out. It's okay, but it's also time to turn it around. And your son may need some time away from you, too, to help him find his own center again, and rediscover how much he enjoys his days with you.

I know you're strong enough to pull through this. Terrible 2's are our first MAJOR challenge of motherhood, and we can learn a lot about our child and our relationship with him that will help as they get older. You ARE a good mom - you wouldn't have bothered to ask for help if you weren't!

You are not a failure, are not alone, and have a smart boy who is just trying to develop independence. But you do need to change this path or you will have a long road ahead of you.
He just wants control and independence, this is normal, healthy and smart. You are forcing him, this "I'm the mom and that's why" is just asking for him to rebell.
Couple of quick things that help at my house with my 2 1/2 year old-
1. Give him choices- lots of them! Do you want to pick up your trains or your cars?
2. Reward him for even a little bit and the next thing you know he will be doing a whole bunch
3. Let it go- really. I mean choose your battles. Is it more important to have your 2-3 year old clean up the whole room angrily because you told him to, or is it better he tries to do a little and has fun at it?
4. Ignore as much as you can, just walk away. The more of a rise he gets out of you the more feul you are throwing on the fire and you are teaching him how to resolve conflict with you- yelling and getting mad, forcing your way....
5. THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU THINK : Get out and have quality time with him, just you and him. Sit and read together, go places, my toddler loves the library...

Hang in there, This is what healthy smart toddlers do and its not rocket science- you can change this pattern. You already know where the problem is!